self-care

Calling Your Energy Home

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“When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

We often get so scattered, pulled in different directions by our families, our work, our electronic devices, the multitude of  marketing and advertising around us vying for our attention.

While our culture prizes multi-tasking, scientists have shown it’s not a true concept. The brain really can’t focus on multiple things at the same time, but only one. And shifting between things takes energy, as anyone who constantly switches between tasks can tell you. Have you ever tried to write a white paper (or book, or thesis, or any large body of work) while simultaneously tending to your email, periodic phone calls, coworkers stopping by to ask brief questions and calendar reminders popping up? How much did you get accomplished?

Besides the practical advice of blocking out chunks of time to work on different tasks (and by all means, consider NOT checking email, Facebook, Twitter or other potential addictive and time-sucking social networks constantly – in fact, close the windows or programs for awhile), a simple, yet extremely effective technique is to Center yourself.

One of my favorite definitions of centering is “calling all your energy home.” I like that explanation because I know what it feels like to have my attention scattered among multiple projects, concerns and an endless to-do list. The most basic way to center yourself is to breathe. And while yes, I know if you’re reading this you’re still breathing, we often breathe very shallowly, especially when our bodies are in “fight-or-flight” mode, trying to battle all the information and demands in our environment. For just a few minutes, try out this exercise.

Centering Exercise

Sit with your feet flat on the floor, relax your belly and take three deep breaths. As you feel the air expand your rib cage, drop your shoulders away from your ears. Feel your body, this amazing vehicle we get to inhabit, and for just this one moment, simply Be.

Benefits of Centering

Centering yourself like this has many benefits, including feeling more peaceful, feeling less stressed and being able to think more creatively. (When you’re in fight-or-flight mode, the creative process is stifled.) The more often you do it, the more benefits you will realize.

So leverage the technology that makes you a chained slave to its persistent demands: create a daily reminder to take a few minutes (just 2-5…you can fit this in!) to Breathe and Center yourself. Call all your energy home. Your body will thank you.

How Do You Spell ‘Relief?’

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Ultimate Relief: Looking over my knees at the beautiful beach in Roatan, Honduras

Do you remember that old Rolaids commercial? I know I’m dating myself by sharing this, but it popped into my head during a cold walk around a local lake in the misty rain and I couldn’t help but giggle! (If you want a trip down commercial memory lane, watch this 1981 Rolaids ad with Roger Staubach!)

So often, we are looking for things or people or experiences that we think will make us feel better. Maybe we are looking for a partner or spouse to feel loved. Or a new job that will make us feel appreciated. Or better finances to make us feel secure. But it’s our interpretation that those things will give us those feelings — certainly not everyone who has a partner feels loved all the time. And most jobs have times when it’s just hard work and appreciation goes by the wayside. And money? Well, it cures everything, right? (I’m hoping that you can read the sarcasm in my words here!)

Perhaps the best thing we can do for ourselves is answer the question, how can I feel better now, in my current circumstances? It could be doing something nice for yourself — like after that cold walk in the rain and wind, I took a hot bath — PLEASE NOTE, you must be able to turn off the critical voice in your head for a few minutes while you enjoy your treat. You know the one, that says horrible things like “You don’t have time for a bath! There’s laundry to do! You should be doing something productive, but now that you’re going for it, look how fat you’ve gotten.” Give that voice a peanut butter sandwich to munch on and for a few minutes, just relax.

But back to relief…if you can’t think of something to do, consider NOT doing something. Give yourself a break from the incredible pace of your overachieving life and leave something undone. I’m not suggesting that you decide not to pick up your kids from the babysitter or not stop at a red light, but there are plenty of things we do each day, that we tell ourselves we HAVE TO do, that truly aren’t necessary for our life to continue.

How do I spell relief? A hot bath is pretty wonderful. Music also brings me joy, and this time of year, I enjoy singing and harmonizing the holiday favorites with my family. Another small thing — and I’m doing it right now! — is heating up my cinnamon & cloves heating pad (similar to this one) and wrapping it around my shoulders. (A great gift from my sister a few years ago.)

So how do you spell relief?

Taking Care of Self

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“In case there is a loss in cabin pressure, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. To secure, pull the mask towards you, secure the elastic strap to your head, and fasten it so it covers your mouth and nose. Breathe normally. Even if the bag does not inflate, please keep in mind that oxygen is flowing. If you are travelling with a child or someone else who needs assistance, please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others.”

– Flight attendants everywhere

 

If you’ve ever flown on a plane, you’ve heard the speech above, and for those who are frequent fliers, you probably could recite it verbatim. It becomes like background noise after awhile, and most passengers aren’t even really paying attention.

The vitally important part is to secure your own mask before assisting others. If you pass out, you’re no help to anyone else. They put this in because there are many of us who think first of others before ourselves.

It’s nice to think of others, to be considerate and generous, kind and giving. There are many people around us in our families and communities and world who need our help. You can get so focused on giving your time, energy and money to worthy people and causes that you get burned out. And then you collapse or become ill, and perhaps then you’ll take a break to recharge.

The holidays are nearly upon us, and for many, this means even more activities, expenses, visiting and, of course, eating! There’s much to look forward to…but sometimes, it all seems a little TOO much. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed, or looking for a way to stay more present this holiday season, join me beginning next week for a four-part telecourse which includes tools to help you tune into your inner wisdom, simplify expectations, achieve your goals and enjoy your holidays more. Each 75-minute session will be held on Tuesday evenings and also recorded and distributed, along with handouts.

Dissolving Painful Thoughts

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[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCA0-tSD7fU]

There are many tools for dissolving painful thoughts, but one of the simplest ones I learned is by Master Certified Martha Beck Coach Brooke Castillo, called Self Coaching 101. It helps me to realize my feelings are a result of my thoughts — not my circumstances. I provide a personal example in the above video, but it works for professional issues as well. Here’s an example:

Circumstance: You don’t get the promotion you were expecting.

Thought: “I’m not respected and valued at this organization.”

Feeling: Sad, Angry, Frustrated

Action: Treat others with less respect. Don’t participate or engage in conversations. Only doing the bare minimum at your job.

Result: Less respect from those around you because you’re not doing your job to the best of your ability.

 

And the result always proves the original thought. As I mentioned in another post, the way our left brain works is that it always looks for evidence to prove itself right. (You may have experienced this with a jealous lover who is SURE that you are cheating and interprets all your silences, phone calls with friends or time with others as proof of infidelity.) However, that doesn’t mean it’s the truth. Try changing the thought and see if you can find evidence to prove that it could be as true or truer than the original thought. In the example above, it could be that there was a better candidate for the promotion, or that the company is struggling and can’t afford to promote you at this time.

The goal is to feel better. So if your thoughts are serving you — not causing you extra stress — then great! But if they’re not serving you, question them and find a better thought. Use your brain as a tool, rather than letting it run rampant and affect your emotions adversely.

Time for Something to Change

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“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”

– M. Scott Peck

 

Pain in this human life is inevitable. Our hearts will be broken (and sometimes our bones), our hopes will get dashed. We must learn how to pick ourselves back up again, and learn how to keep going after we experience loss. Sometimes life hits us hard with something that knocks the physical or metaphorical breath out of us, and other times it’s more like a nagging feeling that something’s just not right. Whatever the instigator, our discomfort can influence change. We realize that what we’re currently doing isn’t working, or is no longer working, for us.

My dear friend and fellow coach Kanesha had a revelation of this sort just last month, when she put herself on a self-care diet. Kanesha is one of those women who have so much going on, it’s exhausting to me just to contemplate it all! I don’t know how she gets it all done — and done WELL — and still looks so happy and put-together. But I can relate to the practice of doing so much and forgetting to take care of me. Self-care is very individual for each of us, but if you need some suggestions, I invite you to check out Kanesha’s self-care series — and it’s absolutely free. She has pulled together some inspiring experts, motivating worksheets and daily reminders all geared to help you take a few minutes each day to take care of the often overlooked but essential self. Oh, and I will be making a guest appearance later in the month. Don’t miss it!Self-Care

Tend Your Own Garden

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Keukenhof gardens, the Netherlands

“If I make one point in this book, I hope it is that the surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to send to our own affairs… Self-care is an attitude of mutual respect. It means learning to live our lives responsibly. It means allowing others to live their lives as they choose, as long as they don’t interfere with our decisions to live as we choose.”

– Melody Beattie from her book “Codependent No More”

Codependent. Enmeshed. These are terms I’ve heard from counselors and therapists — unfortunately, they were talking about me! I’m an empathetic, caring person, and in the past, I would dive so deeply into caretaking that I lost sight of me. Many people want to please others, and there’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for those you love. It becomes a problem when you’re continuously choosing to do what’s best for someone else and ignoring what’s best for you.

I once had a boyfriend who told me, “You’re such a giver, you make it easy to take.” Wow! That said a lot about him AND a lot about me. (If you’re a “giver” like me, you may have attracted people like this into your life. Be careful: there are some people who will attach onto you like a parasite and suck the life out of you!) I believe our relationships — with partners, siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, etc. — are in our lives for a purpose and can help us to learn more about ourselves. This statement was a wake-up call for me. I realized I had been looking to him and his approval to assess my self-worth. That is an impossible situation — I had to determine for myself what I valued and then live those values. Some people are in our lives to demonstrate to us that we aren’t valuing ourselves.

Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent No More” was one of the first steps in the right direction for me. It helped me recognize how to set healthy boundaries and understand that self-care is not selfish. You have to tend your own garden first — if you’re always tending someone else’s, yours will quickly become a mess of weeds and wilted plants. What small step can you take today to take care of you?