Author: emilydownward

Don’t Just Survive — Thrive!

emilydownward
Health is more than the absence of disease.

“You cannot get sick enough to help sick people get better. You cannot get poor enough to help poor people thrive. It is only in your thriving that you have anything to offer anyone. If you’re wanting to be of an advantage to others, be as tapped in, turned in, turned on as you can possibly be.”

– Esther Abraham-Hicks

 

Years ago, I chose to get my degree in health education because I am passionate about health. Health is not just the absence of disease, but it’s about wellness and optimal functioning. Health includes several areas: physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. For years, I’ve worked to improve each of these areas of my life, and it’s a constant progression. I know there will never come a time when I’ve achieved ideal health, but I’ve learned that each improvement I make helps me feel better. And when it feels good, I want more of that!

I am looking forward to the upcoming holidays: the great food, the family gatherings, giving my loved ones gifts and singing all the familiar songs. But I know it may be stressful, too: the family dynamics with potential miscommunications and hurt feelings, the overindulging, the financial toll. Here’s 7 tips I’m using to help ease the stress and help me enjoy this holiday season:

1. Set an intention. Get clear on what it is you want to experience individually, and as a family. You may need to remind yourself of this each day, and it provides a great guidepost for choosing which activities and events fit your intention. With an intention of “I’m going to do as much as possible” (which might have been a past year’s unintentional intention!), you will push yourself much more than “I want to cherish the time I get to spend with each of my loved ones.”

2. Stay in the present moment. Rather than thinking ahead to all you need to get done, be mindful of where you are and what you are doing right now. Savor the moment.

3. Plan ahead. Besides purposefully setting an intention, set a budget for your holiday spending before you shop. It’s also helpful to prepare days and times for different activities: shopping, visiting, baking. Start with the activities and people that are most important to you, and fill around those.

4. Be realistic. Rather than overcommitting yourself and setting yourself up for feelings of failure, take your personal power back by choosing what you will do and what you won’t. Don’t be afraid to say “No.”

5. Take care of yourself. As we’re reminded every time we get on an airplane, “put the mask on yourself first.” For many of us (parents especially!), our instinct is to take care of others first. But if you don’t put gas in your tank, you won’t have anything to give.

6. Ask for help. Some of us have a Superwoman or Superman complex and think we can do it all. This is not only overwhelming; it robs others of the chance to participate. Give your loved ones an opportunity to contribute. Even children enjoy feeling a part of the creation, whether that’s in food preparation or gift wrapping.

7. Breathe! Although it’s instinctual to breathe, when we are stressed, we tend to breathe more shallowly or even hold our breath. A deep relaxing breath in through your nose, expanding your belly and chest fully, can help center you and calm the fight or flight response.

I’ll be sharing additional tools for making this holiday season even brighter in my Healthy & Happy Holidays telecourse, which begins tomorrow evening. The four-part telecourse will include tools to help you stay present, ways to simplify expectations, plans for achieving your goals, and strategies for tuning into your inner wisdom. There’s still room for more — hope you can join us!

Taking Care of Self

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“In case there is a loss in cabin pressure, yellow oxygen masks will deploy from the ceiling compartment located above you. To secure, pull the mask towards you, secure the elastic strap to your head, and fasten it so it covers your mouth and nose. Breathe normally. Even if the bag does not inflate, please keep in mind that oxygen is flowing. If you are travelling with a child or someone else who needs assistance, please make sure to secure your own mask before assisting others.”

– Flight attendants everywhere

 

If you’ve ever flown on a plane, you’ve heard the speech above, and for those who are frequent fliers, you probably could recite it verbatim. It becomes like background noise after awhile, and most passengers aren’t even really paying attention.

The vitally important part is to secure your own mask before assisting others. If you pass out, you’re no help to anyone else. They put this in because there are many of us who think first of others before ourselves.

It’s nice to think of others, to be considerate and generous, kind and giving. There are many people around us in our families and communities and world who need our help. You can get so focused on giving your time, energy and money to worthy people and causes that you get burned out. And then you collapse or become ill, and perhaps then you’ll take a break to recharge.

The holidays are nearly upon us, and for many, this means even more activities, expenses, visiting and, of course, eating! There’s much to look forward to…but sometimes, it all seems a little TOO much. If you’re feeling overwhelmed or stressed, or looking for a way to stay more present this holiday season, join me beginning next week for a four-part telecourse which includes tools to help you tune into your inner wisdom, simplify expectations, achieve your goals and enjoy your holidays more. Each 75-minute session will be held on Tuesday evenings and also recorded and distributed, along with handouts.

Wishing

emilydownward


“All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.”
– T. E. Lawrence

This past summer, I often parked by a arts school near the river when I went for my Saturday morning jog. One day, I noticed papers tied to a tree in front of the school. They were twisting and blowing in the breeze. I went to investigate and found many inspirational wishes that had been made by teachers and students. It was a Wishing Tree, and they had been encouraged to wish for whatever their hearts desired.

I wish everything wasn't so hard!

Some of the wishes were fanciful, and some made me smile. Others struck a chord with me, something I have wished for myself. This one, by “Cora,” I could definitely relate to: “I wish everything wasn’t so hard!!!”

 

It made me wonder what Cora was struggling with. But I can read in the exclamation points and squiggly faces the frustration. And some determination.

 

I, too, wish everything wasn’t so difficult. I’ve heard people say that struggle makes the victory sweeter, that you have to work hard for things worth having. But there’s also the fact that sometimes, we make it harder on ourselves.

 

I’ve been struggling in one area of my life lately, and I’ve found what works best for me is to examine my thoughts, do some journaling, get coached, surround myself with people who believe in me even when I’m not so sure, and let go of the expectations. Just like the wishing tree, write it down and let it go.

What do you wish for?

What’s YOUR Story?

emilydownward

“How we narrate our stories reflects and contributes to our interpersonal relationships, our experience of suffering, and our relationship to the transcendent. The ability to authentically narrate our stories is dependent on our willingness to embrace our authority; to literally “author” our story.”

– Martha Beck

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, probably because dressing up is celebrated. As a child, I always loved playing dress-up, but as an adult, my budget is much bigger to indulge this fantasy world.

This  year, I dressed as the Wicked Witch to play opposite my niece’s choice of Dorothy. However, rather than see her as “wicked,” I prefer the version of Elphaba that is put forth in the Broadway story Wicked. She was unfortunately born green, but she really wasn’t as terrible as people made her out to be — she was actually very powerful. As I was applying my green makeup, (which took considerable time!), I got an inspiration to record a video about the paradigm shifts between The Wizard of Oz and Wicked.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0OPwQsvYn0Q&feature=youtu.be]

So what’s YOUR story? What’s the role that you play in the story of your life? This may not be a story you necessarily speak out loud — perhaps it just runs for a private viewing in your head. But do you enjoy the story? If not, it may be time to question some of your assumptions and change the narrative. And if you need help deconstructing the not-so-great version in your mind, I’m here to help.

Happy Halloween!

Surprise Grief

emilydownward
View of Manhattan from Statue of Liberty

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another.”

– Anatole France

Even so called “good” changes mean saying goodbye to what was. When I was recruited up to New York City and left Dallas, I felt conflicting emotions. It was an amazing opportunity, and I was thrilled, nervous, excited and couldn’t wait to experience everything NYC had to offer. At the same time, I was leaving behind some amazing friends, moving hundreds of miles away from my family, TexMex food and everything familiar.

The grief — although I didn’t really recognize it as such at the time — came in waves. Sometimes I would just need to cry. Other times I felt it helpful to walk, especially down by the Hudson River. I find water to be very calming and restorative. I often found myself looking for a familiar face in the crowd, thinking I recognized someone, only to realize the person I was looking at just slightly resembled someone from my previous life in Dallas.

It was a difficult transition, but one I’m glad I did. Over time, it got easier. The tears for what I left behind ended, and I made new connections. And of course, there were fantastic experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t been in NYC. I learned so much about myself, became much more independent and comfortable in different situations, and met many interesting people.

If you are facing a new beginning, or saying goodbye to a situation, relationship or job, I invite you to be gentle with yourself. Allow the grief, even along with the excitement and hope of new possibilities. As Richard Bach said, “What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.”

Follow Your Dreams

emilydownward

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

– Howard Thurman

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsEk7ywtmfk]

And for some musical inspiration, here’s Colbie Callait (as captured by my iPhone) singing “Brighter than the Sun.” I love this song!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6qff_fyyo4]

These lyrics are inspiring to me: “Oh, we could be the stars falling from the sky, shining how we want, brighter than the sun.” Let your light shine!

Lots of Great, Free Stuff

emilydownward

“As you become more clear about who you really are, you’ll be better able to decide what is best for you – the first time around.”

– Oprah Winfrey

If you’re not already aware, Oprah has started a new “Life Class” show on OWN. Even if you don’t have cable to watch the shows, you can catch the webcasts (live or afterwards on recordings) at Oprah’s Life Class. There are also online workbooks that provide thought-provoking questions and inspiration. Lots of great stuff!

Pretending to be Happy When You’re Not

emilydownward
Flickr: frandi-shooters

“In oneself lies the whole world and if you know how to look and learn, the door is there and the key is in your hand. Nobody on earth can give you either the key or the door to open, except yourself.”

– Jiddu Krishnamurti

We all do it sometimes…pretend everything’s fine, act as if we’re happy to be at a party, or act interested when your elderly relative tells you the same story for the umpteenth time. Life isn’t always fun, and we all have responsibilities that we may not enjoy but need to do. But do you find yourself going through life with a plastered-on smile to mask your true feelings? If you find yourself pretending most, or all of the time, do you know what truly makes you happy?

If you’re an empathic person who easily identifies and feels others’ emotions, you may be especially prone to picking up cues from others and not knowing your own mind. Or, if you’re a People Pleaser, a Yes Man or Woman, or addicted to approval from others, you might not even realize you’re making choices based on what others’ think or want, rather than your own preferences. Do you even know your own preferences?

If this sounds familiar, the first step to finding yourself is awareness. You don’t have to change your behavior, but become aware of when you are choosing to say “Yes” when you would rather say “No,” when you agree to do something that you’d rather not do. Recognizing you are consciously making the choice allows you to see that you have the power to choose, allows you to own your decisions and not feel like a powerless victim.

If you’re not aware or not sure what you feel about your choices, I invite you to get some space from others where you can be alone for a few minutes and tune into your body. Your body will never steer you wrong. If you feel tightness and constriction, or even nausea or breathless, your body is telling you “No.” A “Yes” to the body feels lighter, relaxed, even tingly sometimes. No one can truly tell you what’s best for you — only you know that. Each of us comes into this world with our own set of preferences, likes and dislikes. And it’s a wonderful journey to discover yours and start bringing more of the things that light you up into your life.

Dissolving Painful Thoughts

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[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCA0-tSD7fU]

There are many tools for dissolving painful thoughts, but one of the simplest ones I learned is by Master Certified Martha Beck Coach Brooke Castillo, called Self Coaching 101. It helps me to realize my feelings are a result of my thoughts — not my circumstances. I provide a personal example in the above video, but it works for professional issues as well. Here’s an example:

Circumstance: You don’t get the promotion you were expecting.

Thought: “I’m not respected and valued at this organization.”

Feeling: Sad, Angry, Frustrated

Action: Treat others with less respect. Don’t participate or engage in conversations. Only doing the bare minimum at your job.

Result: Less respect from those around you because you’re not doing your job to the best of your ability.

 

And the result always proves the original thought. As I mentioned in another post, the way our left brain works is that it always looks for evidence to prove itself right. (You may have experienced this with a jealous lover who is SURE that you are cheating and interprets all your silences, phone calls with friends or time with others as proof of infidelity.) However, that doesn’t mean it’s the truth. Try changing the thought and see if you can find evidence to prove that it could be as true or truer than the original thought. In the example above, it could be that there was a better candidate for the promotion, or that the company is struggling and can’t afford to promote you at this time.

The goal is to feel better. So if your thoughts are serving you — not causing you extra stress — then great! But if they’re not serving you, question them and find a better thought. Use your brain as a tool, rather than letting it run rampant and affect your emotions adversely.

Courage

emilydownward

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” – Steve Jobs

I have my share of Apple products and love them. But I was also inspired by Steve Jobs and the way he approached his life.

Launching my own business as a life coach, many people have remarked to me that it’s very brave of me, that it takes courage to follow your dreams. They say it with a bit of amazement and wistfulness on their faces. And when I say that they, too, can follow their dreams, change their career and do what they love, they begin to tell me all the reasons why they can’t.

  • “I’m too old to make a change. I should have done it when I was younger, but now I have to think about retirement.”
  • “I have too many responsibilities – kids, a mortgage, a spouse to support. You can do it because you don’t have all that.”
  • “I can’t quit my job because I need the benefits (particularly insurance). And I can’t get my own insurance like you did because of my health problems.”
  • “I can’t make enough money if I did what I want to do.”

It’s interesting the way our minds work. Our culture is very left-brain dominant, and the left brain looks to the past and predicts the future based on the patterns it sees in the past. This is helpful when you are learning a new skill, but not so helpful for “out of the box” thinking. The left brain also looks for evidence to prove its theories are correct, so if we think a thought of “I can’t make enough money being an artist,” we will look for and find examples of starving artists, of people who only do their art on the weekends and keep working at a job they loathe. If you tell someone to go into a room for 5 minutes and look for as many red objects as possible, and when they exit, ask them how many blue objects they saw, they will be at a loss. Our brains are programmed that way.

The cool thing is — our brains are a tool, not our whole being. We can use them for our purposes, instead of letting our thoughts rule us. A belief is just a thought we’ve said to ourselves over and over again. If it’s working for you, great! If not, choose to believe something different. For example, make a list of all the artists you know of that ARE making a living, and a good one at that, by following their passion. (Hint: NY and Hollywood have lots of examples!)

Trying something new isn’t easy. But for me, staying with what wasn’t working wasn’t easy either. So I decided to try something else. And I am so very happy that I did.