Author: emilydownward

What is Your Original Medicine?

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Part of my medicine is being an auntie.

“You can’t work someone else’s medicine.”

~ Michael Trotta

I’ve just returned from the Martha Beck Summit in Phoenix, where I had the honor of meeting so many inspiring teachers, connecting with good friends, meeting new friends, and experiencing so much that words can’t describe. I will likely write many blog posts with all the information I received and wanted to begin with what I learned from nature-based coach Michael Trotta and Susan Dahl-Robertson.

Michael spoke to us about finding your own original medicine – the gifts you have to bring to the world. This is your purpose in life. I could identify with his story of seeing others you admire and trying to be like them. Much of my career was spent this way, seeing how others were succeeding and trying to be like that. I did a fairly good job, “succeeding” to the point of senior vice president, but the higher the position and the longer I did something that didn’t fulfill me, the more painful it was to be me. Because I WASN’T being Me.

We often define things is by what they are not, as well as using metaphors. If you were to describe a watermelon to someone who had never seen or tasted one, you might say, “It’s a fruit, but not like an apple or a banana. It’s similar to a cantaloupe, in that it has an outer rind that you don’t eat, but a watermelon’s seeds aren’t like those in a cantaloupe…”

When I got to the point in my life where I realized that what I was doing was making me very unhappy, when my body was screaming at me to do something differently, it was simply telling me “Not this.” I had been forcing myself to do things they way others did, the way it seemed it *should* be done, for so long, I had forgotten what it felt like when my essential self said “YES!”

Michael took us back to our childhoods, when we ran and played hide-and-seek, climbed trees and built forts. He explained how the ways children naturally play are practice for survival skills. Hide-and-seek is similar to tracking for hunting. Building forts is creating shelter. As children, we naturally go towards the activities that we excel at.

Susan asked us to think of an experience when we lost track of time and asked what did you love about it? Think of experiences when you felt powerful, free, incredibly useful and inspired. These are all clues to what medicine you bring.

Where in your life are you trying to force yourself to be other than you? I’m reminded of Dr. Seuss, who brilliantly said, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”

Career Possibilities

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Possibilities AheadI’m thrilled to announce the launch of a free podcast series — Possibilities Ahead — I’ve created with the supremely talented and organized Kanesha Baynard. Kanesha and I were in Martha Beck’s Life Coach Training program together, and she is a fireball of energy and ideas! We have collaborated on this podcast series to answer career questions and challenges from people who are wondering what to do next in their career, those who are struggling with making changes, and others who are trying to meld their passions with their careers. Through inquiry based tools and effective resources, Kanesha and I provide practical tips on each podcast to motivate listeners to explore possibilities that will positively impact and support their professional goals.

There are three podcasts available now, with additional podcasts produced monthly. You can get the whole list of Possibilities Ahead here on my site, or you can subscribe to have them delivered to your inbox. Have a question? Submit your question online for consideration for future episodes.

“We all have possibilities we don’t know about. We can do things we don’t even dream we can do.” ~ Dale Carnegie

Value

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My minister is doing a series of sermons on the Beatitudes, and one statement he made last week really stood out for me:

“Success doesn’t make you more valuable. Failure won’t make you less valuable.”

Wow. That hit me dead-on. I’ve always been a bit of an over-achiever, a perfectionist, pushing myself to achieve MORE.

But his assessment rings true for me because I believe, as C.S. Lewis so succinctly put it, “You are a soul. You have a body.”

So these two parts of me are a bit dissonant. On the one hand, I know that as a soul, I have value just as any other soul does. No more, no less. But on the other side, (supported strongly by our culture), I feel I must DO something to be valuable, and that DOING should be successful.

In Finding Your Own North Star, Martha Beck talks about how all major life transitions go through a cyclical course, what she calls the Cycle of Change. The third of four squares is called The Hero’s Saga, and it’s characterized by a series of attempts and failures. After all, as humans, we learn through trial and error. When I heard Martha speak on it, she talked about how this stage is similar to playing golf. You keep hitting towards the hole, hopefully getting closer and closer each time. Eventually, you succeed, but it usually takes a fair bit of missing first. The mantra for this part of the cycle is “This is a lot harder than I thought, and that’s okay.” (Of course, part of you doesn’t agree with the “that’s okay” bit — it feels entirely too long and frustrating, but the “that’s okay” is to remind you it’s a normal part of the cycle.)

It has been challenging for me to welcome failure, even though I know it’s good for me (on some level). Perhaps I still measure my value by how much I’m succeeding, versus how I am being.

What do you think? I’d love to hear if this rings true for you as well.

Calling Your Energy Home

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“When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

We often get so scattered, pulled in different directions by our families, our work, our electronic devices, the multitude of  marketing and advertising around us vying for our attention.

While our culture prizes multi-tasking, scientists have shown it’s not a true concept. The brain really can’t focus on multiple things at the same time, but only one. And shifting between things takes energy, as anyone who constantly switches between tasks can tell you. Have you ever tried to write a white paper (or book, or thesis, or any large body of work) while simultaneously tending to your email, periodic phone calls, coworkers stopping by to ask brief questions and calendar reminders popping up? How much did you get accomplished?

Besides the practical advice of blocking out chunks of time to work on different tasks (and by all means, consider NOT checking email, Facebook, Twitter or other potential addictive and time-sucking social networks constantly – in fact, close the windows or programs for awhile), a simple, yet extremely effective technique is to Center yourself.

One of my favorite definitions of centering is “calling all your energy home.” I like that explanation because I know what it feels like to have my attention scattered among multiple projects, concerns and an endless to-do list. The most basic way to center yourself is to breathe. And while yes, I know if you’re reading this you’re still breathing, we often breathe very shallowly, especially when our bodies are in “fight-or-flight” mode, trying to battle all the information and demands in our environment. For just a few minutes, try out this exercise.

Centering Exercise

Sit with your feet flat on the floor, relax your belly and take three deep breaths. As you feel the air expand your rib cage, drop your shoulders away from your ears. Feel your body, this amazing vehicle we get to inhabit, and for just this one moment, simply Be.

Benefits of Centering

Centering yourself like this has many benefits, including feeling more peaceful, feeling less stressed and being able to think more creatively. (When you’re in fight-or-flight mode, the creative process is stifled.) The more often you do it, the more benefits you will realize.

So leverage the technology that makes you a chained slave to its persistent demands: create a daily reminder to take a few minutes (just 2-5…you can fit this in!) to Breathe and Center yourself. Call all your energy home. Your body will thank you.

Open to Adventures

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I’ve been leading a virtual book club this month for Martha Beck‘s newest book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World. One of the benefits of holding this virtually is that participants come from varied places, from Canada, Austria, and multiple states in the U.S., including Alaska! I love how technology can be such a great convener.

This week’s topic focused on the Imagination section of the book, where Martha explains how humans can leverage our amazing minds to solve problems and puzzles. I particularly enjoy how she defines adventures as “actively inviting into your life a problem or puzzle you could just as easily avoid.” Adventures can be big or small, from trying out a new restaurant or finding a new route home, to moving across country or travelling to a different country.

I can relate to this, inviting new adventures into my life. And I realize I do it quite often! A part of me enjoys the challenge, whether it’s testing my physical limitations through a triathlon, learning a new skill like editing a podcast (working on this now – FUN!), or exploring new parts of this amazing world we’re on. My love for adventures is what sparked the idea to lead an urban retreat to New York City. And while I strive to do my best in any endeavor, I’ve experienced my share of setbacks, failures and face-plants. It’s not always easy, but the journey provides so much value.

As Martha remarks, “Willingly encountering unfamiliar situations, you maximize the experiences that, though often inconvenient and uncomfortable, trigger huge leaps of Imagination.”

It’s difficult to picture my life without the adventures I’ve had. Through the “good” and the “bad” (in quotations because those are really just labels), I’ve learned so much and each experience has shaped who I’ve become. Learning about different cultures, ideas or customs gives me opportunities to include new ways into my beliefs or strengthens my existing beliefs as right for me. Travelling to other countries and living in different parts of the U.S. has opened my world view and given me a greater appreciation for what I have, our beautiful planet, and the remarkable similarities among people everywhere. And whether I travelled alone or with others, I learned more about myself along the way.

If you’re feeling like you’re stuck, in a rut, or stymied by a particular problem, I encourage you to invite a little adventure into your life. Whether you choose to go somewhere you’ve never been (locally or globally), learn a new skill, or plan a big event, you will get a new perspective, and that just might be the shift you need to provide a solution for your problem.

For Love of Travel

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Southern view of Manhattan from the Empire State Building
Southern view of Manhattan from the Empire State Building

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.” – Henry Miller

My father came to the United States when he was just 17, looking for job opportunities that weren’t available to him back home in Runcorn in the United Kingdom. He found and worked at several different jobs before finding a place to make a career in the airline industry. His roots in the UK, his love of travel, and the benefits of working for an airline opened a door of opportunity for me. He passed on his love of travel to me, and I was always grateful that I grew up knowing of a world beyond my borders.

When I first began training as a life coach and started exploring what my niche might be, I knew I wanted it to include destination coaching. I want to take people out of their normal environments to amazing places all over the world, where they can learn more about themselves through coaching and their experiences. I knew I wanted it to be experiential — not just sitting in a classroom setting listening to me speak. My idea was to go to places that had a lot to offer, and allow the participants to “choose their own adventure” from an array of physical, cultural and historical activities. I think besides our interactions with others, travel is one of the most educational experiences we can have.

I’m thrilled to announce my first adventure in destination coaching, to New York City. The place of my birth, where I also lived for three years as an adult (2007-2010). New York City has an incomparable number and variety of things to do, and as a city where I learned so much about myself, I think it’s an ideal place to hold such an adventure for others. I’m calling it the Big Apple Adventure. For three days in mid-July, Wednesday through Friday, we will have group workshops in the mornings, with the afternoons and evenings open for the “choose your adventure” portion. Sharing the adventures with the group the next day will provide additional opportunities for personal exploration.

If you’re interested in joining me, I invite you to sign up to be notified when registration opens in March. I’ll also be holding a Q&A call later this month to answer any questions and give additional information about the trip. There will be a limited number of seats for this urban retreat, so I invite you to register for more information if you’d like to join me. It’s going to be an amazing trip!

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” – Mark Twain

When is the Right Time?

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Ocean view
You choose the destination.

“Your journey has molded you for greater good, and it was exactly what it needed to be. Don’t think that you’ve lost time. It took each and every situation you have encountered to bring you to the Now. And Now is right on time.”– Asha Tyson

Often times I hear clients or friends asking, “when do you know it’s the right time?” They are often weighing their choices, trying to make a decision, like whether to stay or to go, from a job or a relationship.

And that’s when I pick up my magic 8 ball…wouldn’t it be great if we had something so definitive like that toy? But how many times have you played with a magic 8 ball and when you didn’t get the answer you wanted, you shook it and tried again?

So often I talk to people who try to find their answer in items like magic 8 balls, horoscopes, psychics, or by polling their friends and family. And “life coach” is one more person they ask for the answers. But my job is not to tell you what you should do. Rather than spend all that time searching for the answer in others, I recommend going within yourself. I believe we all have the answers we need inside. It takes getting quiet and listening, maybe journaling, and paying attention to what people, places, activities and things really make your heart sing. As a life coach, I have learned from amazing teachers and have some great tools to get you in touch with that inner wisdom, and I can support you on that journey. But you decide what the destination will be.

So if you’re going to flip a coin to make your decision, ask yourself – which way do you hope it lands? And if the “right decision” could truly be determined by a coin toss or a magic 8 ball, would you follow it’s direction? What’s really holding you back?

Maybe Now is the right time. Maybe there’s never a “right” time. What do you want to create in this one, beautiful, amazing life of yours?

Pain and Suffering

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Buddha
Buddha at the Valley of the Temples, Oahu

“Pain in life is inevitable but suffering is not. Pain is what the world does to you, suffering is what you do to yourself. Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” – first noble truth of Buddhism

This past Friday, I finally decided to have a root canal done. The tooth that has been annoyingly painful for the last six weeks or so had previously had a root canal, about 4-5 years ago. But it was acting up again, and when I mentioned it to my dentist, he took an x-ray and saw a shadowy area that indicated there was still infection. He referred me to a specialist, an endodontist, and she was great. I liked her and trusted her immediately. She was intelligent and caring, listening to my previous dental horror stories and believing me when I told her my mouth was difficult to numb.

I stressed about the procedure, but everything went fine (and nitrous oxide helps a lot for anxiety). What I wasn’t prepared for was the pain afterwards. I guess I’ve blocked out the memory from the last time. The endodontist did warn me I’d likely be in some pain and gave me a prescription, saying she’d done “major work” in there. I went straight to the pharmacy and waited to have it filled. While I waited, the local anesthetic she had given me was wearing off, and the pain became more and more excruciating. It’s hard to think straight when that kind of pain hits. All you can think is “PAIN! Ah, make it STOP! I can’t take it! Why is this happening to me? Is this amount of pain normal? It’s getting WORSE! How much worse is it going to get? Why are they taking so long to fill my prescription? AHHHH!”

Fortunately, one of my wise coaching colleagues reminded me in a message to use this as an opportunity to practice Wordlessness. In Martha Beck‘s latest book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, she talks about different paths to Wordlessness, that state where you quiet the constant chatter in your mind. I’ve been practicing Wordlessness for months and can still only keep it quiet for a couple minutes at a time, but the value is incredible. I feel more peaceful and more clear-headed. While it isn’t one of my preferred methods for getting to Wordlessness, Martha does write about the “path of torment,” using those times when we are fatigued, hungry or in pain.

Having nothing to lose, I tried Wordlessness. I was amazed to “listen” to my thoughts in a detached way and then to get to the place where I could just let the pain be and not be IN the pain. This is difficult to describe in words (it’s called “wordlessness” after all!), but I can tell you that it’s easier to just deal with the pain. The escalating thoughts of anxiety and alarm make it worse.

I’m also reminded of my dear great aunt Sudie, who had severe scoliosis that twisted her back and hips. I have slight scoliosis and have experienced the pain it causes, as one side of your back’s muscles are stretched while the other side gets bunched up. But Sudie’s back was visibly distorted, and I can’t imagine the pain she must have been in on a daily basis. Pain often makes us short-tempered with others, and we may lash out at those closest to us. Not Sudie. She was always so loving and sweet, encouraging and patient. She was a model to me that although you may have pain, you don’t have to be one.

So, I was in pain. But I chose not to suffer. I also like to think that this kind of pain is healing, towards a better, new normal. Like washing out scrapes or cuts with clean water and soap, it stings, but you know it will keep out infection and help your body to heal stronger.

But the second night after the procedure, the pain got even worse. On a 1-10 scale, the pain was a 10, and I had to sleep propped up. I took the maximum amount of pain killers and put ice on my face, but I had a couple hours of excruciating pain where sleep just wasn’t possible. A few tears seeped out the corners of my eyes as I meditated, prayed and begged for relief. The next morning, that side of my face was swollen like I had the mumps, distorting my mouth and nose on that side. The swelling went all the way up to just under my eye. A weekend call to the endodontist got me some additional prescriptions, and I feel like the worst is over. Sometimes, pain is a signal that something’s not right. You have to know when to listen to your body and when to call for reinforcements.

 

What’s Your Rhino?

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In Martha Beck‘s new book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, she recounts her thrilling up-close experience with a protective mama rhinoceros. Martha uses the rhino as a metaphor, as she describes,

“Your ‘rhinoceros’ is anything that so fulfills your life’s real purpose that if someone told you, ‘It’s right outside – but watch out, it could kill you!,’ you’d run straight out through the screen door without even opening it. Barefoot.”

While I haven’t had an adventure with a rhinoceros, I can relate to the feeling Martha describes. It’s those times when you feel most alive. The activities and people that make your heart feel so full, you imagine it must be glowing just like E.T.’s heart.

Hanauma Bay

I’ve had many of these experiences while travelling, and several included interactions with animals. Like the time I was snorkeling in Hanauma Bay in Oahu, Hawaii and was told there were sea turtles around. I SO wanted to see a sea turtle! I searched and covered one end of the Bay to the other, but no sea turtle. I finally gave up and just amused myself with the diverse and colorful fish in front of me. And I got that feeling like someone was watching me. You know, that hair-stands-up-on-the-back-of-your-neck feeling? I looked to my right, and there was a sea turtle swimming beside me. It was huge! Several other snorkelers were on the other side of the turtle, but it was closest to me. I was struck with awe and gratitude. It was so beautiful and graceful. I think I forgot to breathe. I definitely forgot to take a picture. But it’s one of those moments I treasure in my memory. And how does this encounter factor in to my life’s purpose? Two ways. One of the areas I’ve loved learning more about through my coaching community is the connection of all living things and how we can get messages from animal totems and symbols. Also, I am planning on leading destination coaching trips, where I can take people to explore different parts of the world and learn more about themselves in the process.

I’d love to hear about your “rhino.” Leave a comment, or join me as we kick off the virtual book club for Finding Your Way in a Wild New World next Monday. It’s not too late to sign up!

What to Do When it Sucks

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Sometimes, you have to wait it out.

My normally positive, sunshine-y niece had a rough day and told me, “You know what I learned? ‘Life sucks and then you die.'” I was so sad to hear that jaded phrase from her. Now, granted, she is getting to the precipice of puberty — you remember, that fun time when your hormones are bouncing around inside you like in a bounce house and you can go from euphoria to tears in mere seconds — but this was a pretty “normal” reaction to a crappy thing that happened.

Sometimes, there’s just no sugar-coating it. Sometimes, it really does suck. What to do? I have tried several coping techniques in the past that don’t work — or work for a short time but have disastrous consequences. Things like:

* Eating brownie fudge sundaes. Make a pan of brownies. Pour on chocolate syrup and (if you live in Texas and can get Blue Bell) Blue Bell homemade vanilla ice cream. Repeat at least daily until the pan is empty, then start over. Disastrous consequences: [You probably guessed this…] Weight gain. And that doesn’t make me feel better!

* Drinking a lot of wine, vodka or other alcoholic beverage. Temporary numbing and occasional hilarity. But similar to those wild hormones in puberty, the emotions can turn on a dime. Disastrous consequences may include doing things you’ll regret, hangovers, drunk dialing or texting (see doing things you’ll regret), and weight gain.

* Shopping or other ways to spend money, especially more money than you have. Can be crazy fun in the moment, but if you’re racking up those credit card bills…Disastrous consequences!

Too much of pretty much anything isn’t going to be good. (Even too much sex can cause bladder infections!) Balance in everything is important, but now I’ve got a few more healthy ways to cope with the times that suck:

  • Hang out with some really great friends. Even if it’s just a virtual get-together on a conference call, the support of good friends is hard to beat. People who understand what you’re going through, who love and support you no matter what, and who will also nudge you when you’re going off-course — I am so fortunate to have an amazing group like this.
  • Find the funny. If possible, if you can laugh at yourself or the situation, it makes it easier. For me, the friends help me see this. And if you can’t laugh at the situation or at yourself, watching a funny movie or a silly video on YouTube can lift your spirits. (A favorite funny of mine is Engrish.com. This one is my all-time fave of bad English translation.)
  • Feel the sadness, anger, fear. Believe me, I tried avoiding it. I’m quite good at stuffing it. The problem is, stuffing affects your body in strange and bad ways, everything from headaches to ulcers to knots in your muscles to IBS or worse! “What we resist, persists.” And if you actually give yourself a chance to just feel the emotion, it passes MUCH more quickly. If you’re scared that once you open that door, you’ll never be able to stop the torrent of emotion, be reassured:  if you really allow yourself to feel it, it only lasts about 90 seconds. Now, granted you might have a few waves of 90-second emotion, but the body is actually very good at processing and releasing these things.
  • Find the good. Rarely are things ALL bad. Even on the darkest days, you can find something to appreciate, even if it’s something small like “I love my cat.” (I do!) The brain is always looking for evidence that it’s right, so if you’re focused on negative, you’ll find more and more negative. If you focus on positive, even if it’s tough at first to get off the negative, you will find more and more positive. (Hopefully not in more and more cats. Remember, too much of anything isn’t a good thing!)
  • Remember, this too shall pass. The sun will come up again tomorrow. One thing about getting older (yay), I do realize that things never, never stay the same. (Even those things we wish would!) From the broader perspective, this will be one small part of my life. And even if the metaphoric sun doesn’t come up on this problem or time period for awhile, I know it will eventually. Trusting that, having that faith, gives me relief.

[Update – can’t believe I forgot these! Thanks, Steph for the reminder.]

  • Get physical! Move your body. Even if it’s just a gentle walk, getting the body moving helps move that emotion through the system. “E-motion” — you need motion! I also really enjoy boxing for getting anger out. And you don’t need a fancy punching bag. You can always just use pillows or your mattress.
  • Music soothes the soul. Music can be a powerful trigger. I have playlists for anger, sadness and happy. While the sad music can be helpful to feel the emotion, don’t stay there too long. Give yourself a time limit and then put on some good tunes to shake your booty to.
  • Nature heals. Martha Beck talks about the healing effects of nature in her new book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World. When you’re feeling low, get outside. If possible, get some sunshine. Walk around barefoot, or lean up against a tree for support. Notice how nature is constantly renewing itself. Your life will too.
  • Positivity on the horizon. Give yourself something to look forward to — whether that’s lunch with a friend, a weekend away, or setting aside some time to read a really good book. Knowing that you’ve got a little reward in the future can help get you through.

What do you do? It would be great to hear what works for you and have a grab-bag of ideas to try.