thoughts – Emily Downward

Stop the Internal Violence

September 4, 2012emilydownward

“Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.”

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

The people who come to me for coaching aren’t struggling with self-control over whether to shoot someone or not. (Whew!) But this quote by MLK made me think of violence or nonviolence towards the self. Many of my clients would never act violently towards others, and yet the thoughts in their heads about themselves are atrocious.

What does your inner dialogue say to you about you? Is it mostly encouraging, focusing on your unique strengths and talents? Or does it constantly keep a record of your mistakes, noting all the things you don’t do well, comparing you to others in a poor light?

I’m always so impressed by those who have a mostly positive inner dialogue. As for me, I wasn’t wired that way. My inner dialogue was mostly negative, perfectionistic (an impossible goal that keeps one frustrated and dejected), and critical. And while I’ve made great progress at strengthening and listening to my positive inner voice, the negative voice is still there. It’s like the weakened Voldemort in the Harry Potter series. It doesn’t have as much power as it once did, but you know it could still be dangerous.

In the field of positive psychology, researchers have created a formula for happiness:

Happiness = Set Point + Circumstances + Voluntary Variables

Your Happiness level (a subjective measure) is about 50% due to your Set Point, or your genetic predisposition on how you view the world. Another 8-12% is the Circumstances or conditions you were born into: your socioeconomic status, your gender, the family you are born into. That leaves 38-42% of your happiness up to Voluntary Variables, the ways in which you intentionally intervene on yourself, your choices and actions. (That’s where the magic can happen!)

Isn’t it interesting that Circumstances are only 8-12%? We often hear the differences between the Haves and the Have-Not’s emphasized, the privileges or lack of opportunities between groups or countries being touted as determining factors of success or failure. But researchers have shown that the Circumstances are not NEARLY as important as how we think about things, how we look at the situation. It’s not what you have or not, it’s the story you’re telling yourself about it.

When I went through coach training, in addition to learning amazing tools to help others live their best lives, it was an intensive experience to rewire my own brain, creating new ways of thinking that serve me, rather than crippling me. It is my great joy to be able to help others now with what I’ve learned and help them find more peace, joy and success.

So what is your inner dialogue telling you? Is it working for you, or against you?

Work Success Secret #3: Shift Your Focus

July 24, 2012emilydownward

This is the third in a series of posts designed to provide you with tips to be more successful at work, despite the increasing demands that are occurring across industries and across job titles. In the first post, I talked about creating, setting and communicating boundaries (Set Your Hard Limits). I covered how I learned this the hard way, and realistic, small ways to begin to enforce your own limits. The second post talked about shifting your physical state out of fight-or-flight mode to access your creative mind (Nourish Your Creativity). I provided a couple of easy ways to calm and center yourself. This third post is all about your focus.

Through my life coach training and in my continuing studies, I’ve been fascinated to learn more about how the brain works. Our brain is constantly adapting to our environment, our responses and our thoughts. When we think a thought, our brain likes to prove itself right, so it looks for evidence to back up this thought. So whether we think “I work with a bunch of idiots” or “I work with some really great people,” your brain will be focused on finding evidence to prove either one. (Which thought do you think is going to make you enjoy your work more? You get to choose. And before you go defending yourself with “But Emily, I really DO work with a bunch of idiots!” notice my second thought said SOME great people.)

Thoughts that we think over and over again become beliefs. These are created over time, influenced by our families, our upbringing and our communities. Some of your beliefs may be more conscious than others, but regardless of whether you are conscious of them or not, they shape the patterns of your thoughts, and therefore, what you experience.

Right now, take a minute and jot down the first three words that come to your mind when you think about Work.

Surprising? I was blown away to discover some of my own undercover beliefs about work. The connections in my mind were not at all positive. (If you didn’t write down your own beliefs about Work, do it now. Just write the first things that pop into your head.)

If the beliefs you hold about Work do not match what you want for yourself (and mine sure didn’t!), try this: write what you’d like to experience and try to find evidence for it in your current job. For example, perhaps you want to experience fun at work.

Now your brain is used to its existing patterns. You’ve built up strong neural connections between work and the beliefs you wrote down, compiling evidence to support those beliefs for years. It’s completely natural for you to have resistance to this, but you can create new neural pathways, new ways of thinking. It’s like a brain teaser, so play with this idea for a minute.

If you consider “Work is fun,” try and come up with at least 3 pieces of evidence how this could be true. Perhaps it’s fun when you get to collaborate with certain people, or it’s fun when you finish a big project. The more evidence you find, the more this new idea will get cemented in your brain.

If you go into a situation looking for trouble, you’re bound to find it. But if you go looking to be amazed, it’s amazing what you’ll find.

It’s the Journey

June 20, 2012emilydownward

Our culture is very goal-oriented. It’s difficult to avoid this mindset, and although I remind myself to enjoy the journey, remind myself it’s not about the destination, I still fall into the usual, accepted way of measuring myself by my accomplishments.

This past weekend, I was participating in my 7^th sprint triathlon. Last year was the first year I did 2 in one year; I usually do one annually. I know how to train for them by now, and while I’m not the fastest by a long shot, I give myself a personal goal of trying to best my previous year’s time. Some years, I just beat my time by a few minutes. I am proud to finish and proud to know I got a little better. Growing up, I was never an athlete, and I get a kick out of knowing and calling myself a triathlete now. They also remind me that I can do things I think I can’t.

Sunday morning, the day of the race…I’m feeling good, well-prepared, ready to go. The swim went well, and I found a steady rhythm. I completed the swim in my best time yet, and I headed out on the 14-mile bike course. This course is close to where I live, and I’ve been training on it at least weekly. As the miles pass by, I’m happy with my time and feeling good. I pass mile 8 and then Bam! I hit something and my back tire is flat. I pull over and one of the volunteers who is helping direct traffic helps me patch and reinflate the inner tube. At this point, I’ve lost at least 15 minutes. I’m off again, but within a few yards the tire is flat again. I try one more time to reinflate it, but it doesn’t work. I finally realize I’m going to have to accept that I can’t finish the race and start to walk my bike back.

My thoughts were swirling. The word “forfeit” tasted bitter in my mouth. It sounded like quitting. I don’t want to be a quitter! But of course, there was nothing I could do. I didn’t fail; my equipment failed. I did chastise myself for not having another inner tube or not being able to fix it better. (I learned later that whatever I hit had torn through the rubber tire, too. There was no way I could have fixed it at that point.) And of course, I thought, “Why is this happening to me?”

As I walked along – slowly, as bike shoes aren’t meant for walking – I watched all the other cyclists pass me. Soon, it seemed I was the only one left on the course, so I walked in silence. I noticed the beautiful corn field beside me and noticed and was grateful for the cloud cover above. I was trying to focus on the positive as much as possible, and I was also grateful that I wasn’t physically hurt. I wish I could tell you I was completely peaceful and serene, but I still had some processing to do. I cried a bit when the police officer came and picked me up to drive me back, and I got choked up admitting to the race director that I had to forfeit.

Even when we are completely prepared for something, when we’ve done all we can do, there’s still so much that is out of our control. I realized the other day (many days before the triathlon) that life gives you a series of lessons to teach you you’re really not in control. And then, it’s as if life asks you, how are you going to respond? What are you going to do now? That’s where our control comes in, in our response.

Making Your Brain Work FOR You

May 15, 2012emilydownward

I like to include a picture with each post. How do you show “enough” in a picture? Oh well, I like turtles.

“How you do anything is how you do everything.” ~ Derek Sivers, incredibly successful entrepreneur, author of Anything You Want

I knew starting my own business would be challenging, and it has been. There are lots of unknowns, many things I had (and still have) to learn as I go. One of the most unexpected and interesting learnings for me has been about myself.

I honestly didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself. All the time.

Being a coach puts my analytic powers to good use. I use the tools I learned through training on myself daily, digging in to understand what’s motivating me, what’s holding me back, what is causing me frustration or stress. A lot of the frustration and stress I experience is completely due to the thoughts in my head. While this is somewhat annoying (why do I DO that?), I also know how to change it.

One of the thoughts that is on the frequent playlist in my head is “I’m not doing enough.” This can apply to many areas of my life: triathlon training, housework, family time. (The way we do one thing is the way we do everything.) But I’d like to share how it shows up in my work life. I hope that by sharing this, you may gain some insight and relief in your own work life.

What I’ve realized is that this thought comes up regardless of where I work, who I work for, or what I’m working on. And while it may seem like this is a motivating thought that makes me do more, more, more (and therefore achieve more, more, more), that’s not the case. When I have the thought that I’m not doing enough, it’s demoralizing. I feel overwhelmed and feel like it’s impossible to achieve. And it is. “Enough” must be defined, or it is always an impossible goal.

I’ve learned that the brain always tries to prove itself right. It constantly looks for evidence to support its thinking. So if I’m thinking “I’m not doing enough,” I can find piles of papers that need to be filed, unfinished projects, and of course there’s always the never-ending email inbox. All these pieces of evidence support that faulty thought.

But turn it around. After defining for yourself (understanding that your boss likely has some input) what “enough” is, find evidence for how you ARE doing enough. For me, I set aside a number of hours a day and a week to work on my different projects. I make a list of to-do’s (I get much satisfaction from checking them off!). I set deadlines for myself and meet them. And I focus on what I’ve accomplished instead of what I haven’t yet.

The other key to making my brain work for me instead of against me…reminding myself why I’m doing this. I’m an entrepreneur because I wanted more flexibility. I wanted to do something that helps people. And because coaching makes me happy. So I can ask myself: did I take advantage of the flexibility of my job today? Did I help someone today? Am I happy? And if the answer to those is yes, then I can put my over-active brain at ease: I did enough.

Do you need help identifying where you might be overworking yourself? I help professionals set and achieve goals that really matter to them. I can help you love the job you’re in or make a plan to create a job you’ll love.

Dissolving Painful Thoughts

October 13, 2011emilydownward

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HCA0-tSD7fU]

There are many tools for dissolving painful thoughts, but one of the simplest ones I learned is by Master Certified Martha Beck Coach Brooke Castillo, called Self Coaching 101. It helps me to realize my feelings are a result of my thoughts — not my circumstances. I provide a personal example in the above video, but it works for professional issues as well. Here’s an example:

Circumstance: You don’t get the promotion you were expecting.

Thought: “I’m not respected and valued at this organization.”

Feeling: Sad, Angry, Frustrated

Action: Treat others with less respect. Don’t participate or engage in conversations. Only doing the bare minimum at your job.

Result: Less respect from those around you because you’re not doing your job to the best of your ability.

And the result always proves the original thought. As I mentioned in another post, the way our left brain works is that it always looks for evidence to prove itself right. (You may have experienced this with a jealous lover who is SURE that you are cheating and interprets all your silences, phone calls with friends or time with others as proof of infidelity.) However, that doesn’t mean it’s the truth. Try changing the thought and see if you can find evidence to prove that it could be as true or truer than the original thought. In the example above, it could be that there was a better candidate for the promotion, or that the company is struggling and can’t afford to promote you at this time.

The goal is to feel better. So if your thoughts are serving you — not causing you extra stress — then great! But if they’re not serving you, question them and find a better thought. Use your brain as a tool, rather than letting it run rampant and affect your emotions adversely.

Courage

October 11, 2011emilydownward

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” – Steve Jobs

I have my share of Apple products and love them. But I was also inspired by Steve Jobs and the way he approached his life.

Launching my own business as a life coach, many people have remarked to me that it’s very brave of me, that it takes courage to follow your dreams. They say it with a bit of amazement and wistfulness on their faces. And when I say that they, too, can follow their dreams, change their career and do what they love, they begin to tell me all the reasons why they can’t.

“I’m too old to make a change. I should have done it when I was younger, but now I have to think about retirement.”
“I have too many responsibilities – kids, a mortgage, a spouse to support. You can do it because you don’t have all that.”
“I can’t quit my job because I need the benefits (particularly insurance). And I can’t get my own insurance like you did because of my health problems.”
“I can’t make enough money if I did what I want to do.”

It’s interesting the way our minds work. Our culture is very left-brain dominant, and the left brain looks to the past and predicts the future based on the patterns it sees in the past. This is helpful when you are learning a new skill, but not so helpful for “out of the box” thinking. The left brain also looks for evidence to prove its theories are correct, so if we think a thought of “I can’t make enough money being an artist,” we will look for and find examples of starving artists, of people who only do their art on the weekends and keep working at a job they loathe. If you tell someone to go into a room for 5 minutes and look for as many red objects as possible, and when they exit, ask them how many blue objects they saw, they will be at a loss. Our brains are programmed that way.

The cool thing is — our brains are a tool, not our whole being. We can use them for our purposes, instead of letting our thoughts rule us. A belief is just a thought we’ve said to ourselves over and over again. If it’s working for you, great! If not, choose to believe something different. For example, make a list of all the artists you know of that ARE making a living, and a good one at that, by following their passion. (Hint: NY and Hollywood have lots of examples!)

Trying something new isn’t easy. But for me, staying with what wasn’t working wasn’t easy either. So I decided to try something else. And I am so very happy that I did.