stress – Emily Downward

The Thing about Stuff

April 3, 2014emilydownward

I’ve recently completed my fourth cross-country move in 12 months. (Yes, I’m exhausted and the sight of moving boxes sends me into fight-or-flight mode.) I’ve found a nice little place to start my new home on a quiet street in North Seattle. I love the quiet. I am glad to have my own space. And, I could describe my apartment as Cozy.

The truth is, it’s small.

Or, I have too much stuff.

I have been battling the boxes, unpacking them and trying to find a place to put everything, and noticing how creative I can get with the space I have. Finally, though, I had to admit, there is NO MORE SPACE. Every drawer is filled, every closet packed, every cabinet has enough in it.

I’m not a hoarder, and I purge my things at least yearly, going through my closet to identify anything I haven’t worn in a year – besides the Halloween costumes. You never know when you might need to reprise one of those – and combing through the vast collection of bathroom items I seem to collect, including soaps, makeup, skin care samples, aromatherapy, lotion, hair products, travel size toiletries,… you get the idea.

So I’ve been purging more, but I reached a point at which I can’t get rid of much else and I STILL have too much stuff. And it’s stuff I either need to keep (like paperwork that needs to be kept for a few more years) or want to keep (like my Christmas decorations and the china from my great aunt). I realized I have two options: allow it to be piled in an anti-feng-shui manner in corners, OR admit I need more space and rent a damn storage unit.

After trying option 1 for nearly a week, I realized how much this Stuff is getting to me. It stresses me out! One of the questions I love to pose to clients is, “What’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself right now?” Initially, the answer was that it was kinder not to have to think about a storage unit. I didn’t want to pay a monthly fee and really wanted to try and achieve some minimalism ideal. But this week the answer changed to Admit I can’t do any more with what I have and rent some space. Immediately, I felt better. Lighter. Less stress. Ah…

I think many of us do this to ourselves a lot. Life serves us up a challenge (stress), and we Try To Solve It! We go into work-mode. The I-can-do-it and the try-harder mode. And we have pressed our nose to the grindstone so hard that we can’t see the solution: Give Up. It sounds so easy, so lazy, like you’re not trying hard enough. But where has all the trying got you?

Obviously, it’s a balance between trying and giving up that’s the true answer. For me, (and perhaps some of you dear readers) a little more giving up is not only the kinder way to go, it’s also where the solution lives.

Making It Easy

June 19, 2013emilydownward

We all have things to do that we don’t necessarily enjoy. Some of us have A LOT of things in our life we don’t enjoy. Some of us look around and have so much in our life that is making us unhappy, we wonder how we got to this place. It seems like we’re stuck. We trudge through, suffer through, telling ourselves that life is tough but we will persevere, or maybe that “this is my lot in life” and wonder when it’s going to get easier, when it will be our turn.

I’ve experienced this, both in my professional and personal life. I felt completely stuck, not knowing which direction to go in next when it seemed everything was not going right. Even though I’m now in a job I love, working with people I adore and have a fantastic flexible schedule, those thoughts still come up sometimes. “Why is this so difficult?” I ask myself.

Now, when I hear myself saying something is “difficult,” it’s my cue that I am most likely making things more difficult than they actually are and it’s time to start investigating my thoughts. Our thoughts cause our feelings, which influence our actions. Cleaning up the thoughts goes right to the source of the problem and enables me to take action from a much better place.

To clean up my thoughts, I use Byron Katie’s The Work. (I highly recommend you check out her free resources online.) And after doing that, I ask myself instead, “How can I make this easier?”

Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

September 12, 2012emilydownward

As I write this week’s blog post, I’m sitting in an airport. I’m freezing, and I’m so cold I’m actually considering putting on all the clothes in my suitcase. I’ve had a job assignment the past couple days that has kept me on my feet for hours at a time. While I wore comfortable shoes, the long amounts of standing triggered the scoliosis in my back, and my lower back and right hip are painful. Sometimes I can ignore it, but the pain is at the point at which it will not be ignored any longer. The scoliosis (curvature of the spine) usually acts up during PMS each month, and oh, yeah, I might be experiencing that fun, too.* I’m tired – having spent a couple nights in a noisy hotel, just down the street from a busy firehouse and across the street from an active, early-starting construction crew – and being sleep deprived never helps anything.

All of this “background” helps explain (at least to me) why I’m having such difficulty writing a decent blog post this week. Usually, writing for the blog comes easy to me, and I find it enjoyable. But today, I’ve gone through three different topics, none of which turned into anything worth sharing, and the last one, which I thought maybe was good enough, disappeared when I unexpectedly and inexplicably lost my Internet connection. (F*&K! Saving ridiculously often now.)

So I realized all of this Uncomfortableness is actually a pretty decent topic. My mentor, Martha Beck, talks about the Cycle of Change in her book Finding Your Own North Star. In it, she describes four squares we go through during any major change in our life. Square 1 is known as “Death and Rebirth,” and this is the stage at which we feel the most confusion (“I don’t know what the hell is going on”) as the way we had defined ourselves has changed, and we haven’t yet figured out who we are without the old role or title. Square 2, “Dreaming & Scheming,” is when we begin to create concepts of a new future, and Square 3, “the Hero’s Saga,” is where we test out those schemes and figure out what really works for us. Square 4 is “the Promised Land,” where things smooth out, but the mantra is “Everything’s changing, and that’s okay” because everything always does change. I love sharing the Cycle of Change with my clients because it provides people with a sense of understanding and community (“Oh, so that’s what’s happening to me! And everyone feels this at some point”) and also a sense of hope (Square 2 and 4 are the most-looked-forward to).

Martha’s been saying lately that with the rapid pace of change in our world, we are pretty much in Square 1 nearly all the time. (So much for my hope idea.) So to survive, to not drive ourselves insane, we have to get more comfortable with being a little uncomfortable. We have to learn to roll with the punches, surf the chaotic waters, and maintain our equilibrium.

How do we do this? By going within. Peace cannot be found outside of ourselves; it must be found within. And when there is peace within, then we can take that peace out into the world.

As I play out the role of airport hobo today and stop fighting the Uncomfortableness, I let myself sink into feeling grumpy, tired and in pain, and I actually find a little relief. I don’t have to be anything more than what I am in this moment, and there’s some peace in that. Struggling against it all, wishing it wasn’t happening or thinking it should be better just prolongs the suffering. Accepting the present moment, just as it is, not trying to MAKE it be better than it is, actually feels better.

Or maybe the ibuprofen I took is finally kicking in. Peace out!

* If you want (or need) a really funny (and accurate) Life Coach’s Guide to PMS, go visit Bridgette Boudreau’s site. Hilarious and some great advice for getting through it!

The Splinter You Can’t Ignore

August 14, 2012emilydownward

Have you ever noticed that once you notice something, you can’t “un-notice” it? It’s like when you notice a splinter in your finger but don’t have the means to get it out. You may try to put it out of your mind, but you can’t stop picking at it. You know it’s THERE and you become fixated on it.

Sometimes we’re not ready for the truth. We tell ourselves everything’s fine or that we’re doing the “right thing,” but our bodies don’t lie: the stress shows up in our muscles, our digestion, our shallow breathing. And when we finally face the truth we’ve been avoiding, admit to ourselves that something isn’t right, that’s the point at which you can’t un-notice.

Perhaps this is why we like the state of pretending like it’s all okay. Because if we truly admitted to ourselves that something wasn’t right, then we’d have to DO SOMETHING about it. So we hang out in the “I’m fine,” self-medicate and pamper ourselves with massages, mani/pedi’s and decadent foods to distract us and try to make up for the splinter that we are avoiding. But then the splinter gets worse. It gets infected and more painful than before.

I once heard Oprah talking about how God whispers to us. First it’s a gentle whisper, or a tap on the shoulder. If you don’t pay attention, the next one might be a shake of your arm. If you keep ignoring the message, you get hit upside the head with a brick.

In my personal journey (and by personal, I mean both my personal & professional life), I’ve learned how to listen to those whispers and gentle taps. It’s MUCH easier to deal with those than the brick. But it’s been a long journey: I was so deaf and numb to those messages for so long, trying to convince myself that what I had (or what I was doing) was what I wanted, or rather what I should want.

One of my coach colleagues loves to say, “Stop shoulding on yourself.”

If you’ve got a splinter in your life, here’s three steps to making it better:

Acknowledge it. Admit that there’s something wrong. This doesn’t mean it will always be wrong, or that you’re a failure for thinking so. It also doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. But how can you fix it if you don’t first acknowledge it?
Imagine what you do want. Even if you don’t know the particulars, think about how you want to feel. Recognize and believe that you can have what you want.
Each day, take one small step closer to what you want. And by small, I mean SMALL. Martha Beck calls these Turtle Steps. A step so small it seems impossibly easy to accomplish and it also doesn’t in the slightest overwhelm you.

Turtle steps can include researching your options, asking for help, following your “feel good.” If you need some assistance, drop me an email or leave a comment below. I absolutely love helping people get on track to their right and best lives.

Work Success Secret #2: Nourish Your Creativity

July 17, 2012emilydownward

Have you been feeling increased pressure at work? One of the effects of the economic downturn has been for companies to create leaner teams, so if it feels like there are less people to do the same or more work, you’re not alone. In addition, we have amazing technology which allows us to be connected 24/7. Great in so many ways, especially in an emergency or if you get lost, but it doesn’t allow for much, if any, down time. Western society is so busy, and there’s a constant pressure to do more, more, more! It’s exhausting, and it takes a toll on your body. It also takes a toll on your ability to be creative. This is the second of three posts of what you can do for yourself in this situation.

Our bodies are designed to respond to times of stress by shifting our hormones, getting us prepared for fight-or-flight. It was very helpful when we were in caveman and cavewoman days. When a saber-toothed tiger showed up, we could leverage the burst of energy from our body’s response to escape. Some of the physical changes that occur include taking blood flow away from digestion to the muscles in your arms and legs, increased heart rate and respiration. The brain also shifts function from the outermost layer, the cerebral cortex, to the inner, more instinctual parts. When the danger had passed, we would breathe a sigh of relief – a physical way to tell your body the time for fight-or-flight is over, and your body could release the stress hormones and go back to calm.

Although the dangers in our lives have changed, our bodies still react the same way. I frequently talk to clients who experience stress at work and describe a sense of panic. I can hear over the phone their breathing is shallow and fast, and many people notice their heart beating quickly. The “tigers” today are constantly ringing phones, over-booked calendars and schedules, and never-ending email. (I remember when I was in the corporate world my set-point for email was to try and keep it under 100 or less unread. Most of the emails I received needed a response from me, and the incoming volume was more than I could keep up with. 100 was significant, but I really noticed my stress levels skyrocketing when it got above that.) The New York Times recently covered the issue of the insane amount of emails that are sent and received and noted how it is a major cause of stress.

Unfortunately, this fight-or-flight state of being shifts you out of your creative mind and makes you less productive. The brain is focused on survival and can’t make the connections and associations that create new ideas. And our work is not just demanding that we do more, more, more, they also want you to be brilliantly creative and conceptualize the next big thing. Or in fields like medicine and science, the creative brain is key to solving puzzles and treating patients with unique combinations of symptoms or conditions.

The simplest and quickest way to shift your body and brain out of the fight-or-flight mode is through breathing. Our breathing is the one thing that can be either automatically controlled, such as during sleep or fight-or-flight, or controlled by our conscious decision. By taking a few minutes to focus on your breathing, consciously drawing in a deeper breath and releasing it more slowly, your body will realize you are safe and you will be able to access your amazingly creative side. An easy way to do this is to breathe in to a count of 5 and breathe out to a count of 5. Do at least 3 inhalation and exhalation cycles.

I would suggest adding “Breathe” reminders to your calendar or phone. While this may seem ridiculous – who forgets to breathe??? – taking a short time-out several times a day can have amazing benefits to your physical and mental processes. If you want to take it to the next level, take 15 minutes to do a brief meditation or take a short walk outside. (I call these my non-smoking breaks.) While this doesn’t change the stressors in your work life, it can change your perception of them and therefore reduce your stress level. And your creativity should get a boost as well.

Making Your Brain Work FOR You

May 15, 2012emilydownward

I like to include a picture with each post. How do you show “enough” in a picture? Oh well, I like turtles.

“How you do anything is how you do everything.” ~ Derek Sivers, incredibly successful entrepreneur, author of Anything You Want

I knew starting my own business would be challenging, and it has been. There are lots of unknowns, many things I had (and still have) to learn as I go. One of the most unexpected and interesting learnings for me has been about myself.

I honestly didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself. All the time.

Being a coach puts my analytic powers to good use. I use the tools I learned through training on myself daily, digging in to understand what’s motivating me, what’s holding me back, what is causing me frustration or stress. A lot of the frustration and stress I experience is completely due to the thoughts in my head. While this is somewhat annoying (why do I DO that?), I also know how to change it.

One of the thoughts that is on the frequent playlist in my head is “I’m not doing enough.” This can apply to many areas of my life: triathlon training, housework, family time. (The way we do one thing is the way we do everything.) But I’d like to share how it shows up in my work life. I hope that by sharing this, you may gain some insight and relief in your own work life.

What I’ve realized is that this thought comes up regardless of where I work, who I work for, or what I’m working on. And while it may seem like this is a motivating thought that makes me do more, more, more (and therefore achieve more, more, more), that’s not the case. When I have the thought that I’m not doing enough, it’s demoralizing. I feel overwhelmed and feel like it’s impossible to achieve. And it is. “Enough” must be defined, or it is always an impossible goal.

I’ve learned that the brain always tries to prove itself right. It constantly looks for evidence to support its thinking. So if I’m thinking “I’m not doing enough,” I can find piles of papers that need to be filed, unfinished projects, and of course there’s always the never-ending email inbox. All these pieces of evidence support that faulty thought.

But turn it around. After defining for yourself (understanding that your boss likely has some input) what “enough” is, find evidence for how you ARE doing enough. For me, I set aside a number of hours a day and a week to work on my different projects. I make a list of to-do’s (I get much satisfaction from checking them off!). I set deadlines for myself and meet them. And I focus on what I’ve accomplished instead of what I haven’t yet.

The other key to making my brain work for me instead of against me…reminding myself why I’m doing this. I’m an entrepreneur because I wanted more flexibility. I wanted to do something that helps people. And because coaching makes me happy. So I can ask myself: did I take advantage of the flexibility of my job today? Did I help someone today? Am I happy? And if the answer to those is yes, then I can put my over-active brain at ease: I did enough.

Do you need help identifying where you might be overworking yourself? I help professionals set and achieve goals that really matter to them. I can help you love the job you’re in or make a plan to create a job you’ll love.

Calling Your Energy Home

March 1, 2012emilydownward

“When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

We often get so scattered, pulled in different directions by our families, our work, our electronic devices, the multitude of marketing and advertising around us vying for our attention.

While our culture prizes multi-tasking, scientists have shown it’s not a true concept. The brain really can’t focus on multiple things at the same time, but only one. And shifting between things takes energy, as anyone who constantly switches between tasks can tell you. Have you ever tried to write a white paper (or book, or thesis, or any large body of work) while simultaneously tending to your email, periodic phone calls, coworkers stopping by to ask brief questions and calendar reminders popping up? How much did you get accomplished?

Besides the practical advice of blocking out chunks of time to work on different tasks (and by all means, consider NOT checking email, Facebook, Twitter or other potential addictive and time-sucking social networks constantly – in fact, close the windows or programs for awhile), a simple, yet extremely effective technique is to Center yourself.

One of my favorite definitions of centering is “calling all your energy home.” I like that explanation because I know what it feels like to have my attention scattered among multiple projects, concerns and an endless to-do list. The most basic way to center yourself is to breathe. And while yes, I know if you’re reading this you’re still breathing, we often breathe very shallowly, especially when our bodies are in “fight-or-flight” mode, trying to battle all the information and demands in our environment. For just a few minutes, try out this exercise.

Centering Exercise

Sit with your feet flat on the floor, relax your belly and take three deep breaths. As you feel the air expand your rib cage, drop your shoulders away from your ears. Feel your body, this amazing vehicle we get to inhabit, and for just this one moment, simply Be.

Benefits of Centering

Centering yourself like this has many benefits, including feeling more peaceful, feeling less stressed and being able to think more creatively. (When you’re in fight-or-flight mode, the creative process is stifled.) The more often you do it, the more benefits you will realize.

So leverage the technology that makes you a chained slave to its persistent demands: create a daily reminder to take a few minutes (just 2-5…you can fit this in!) to Breathe and Center yourself. Call all your energy home. Your body will thank you.

Quiet Time

August 25, 2011emilydownward

Aspen tress — Aspen trees, photographed in Cloudcroft, NM

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose.”

– Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Our lives are so busy. Perhaps not every culture is like this, but here in America, we push ourselves to do More, More, More! Countless articles and books have been written about the art and challenge of multi-tasking, the incredible demands that are placed on us with 24/7 email, mobile devices, social media, etc. I began working at my first job after college before email was commonplace. Do you remember? (or Can you imagine?) We would print MEMOS and put them in each person’s mailbox slot. They would read it at their convenience (or not). There was less expectation of everything having to be done NOW.

Today, of course, we fill our time to overflowing. If you find yourself waiting in line or stuck at a traffic light or sitting on a subway, do you reach for your smart phone to check email, read the news headlines or play a quick game? When you’re in your car, do you ever NOT have music or an audio recording of some kind playing? Do you ever take time to listen to the silence?

I believe sometimes we distract ourselves with noise. We aren’t ready to feel what we know is below the surface or to admit to ourselves that we aren’t happy. We come home from a non-stop day at work and immediately turn on the TV. Perhaps the only time we experience silence is right before we go to sleep. And then we wonder why we can’t fall asleep! Our mind runs through the endless task lists and the “don’t forget to’s” and we don’t give a name to the yearning feeling beneath it all.

I am still learning the art of doing nothing. I have found that meditation — like exercise — brings me great benefits, even if I can only do it for short periods of time. Some is better than none.

I invite you to try to sit with yourself for 3-5 minutes. Just breathe. Try to quiet your task-driven mind chatter and feel the breath entering your body, expanding your lungs and then moving out again. You will gain more connection with your inner self, your soul, at the very least. And if you can make this a practice and find the courage to listen to your feelings, you can gather additional guidance to the longings of your heart.