square one

The Messy Side of Becoming

emilydownward

[My lovely teacher Martha Beck developed the Cycle of Change model that describes the process we go through with any major change. It begins with Square One: Death & Rebirth. I’ve been experiencing a lot of major change this year and getting intimately familiar with Square One. I thought I’d share my experience in hopes it sheds a little light for someone else.]

I think what’s so hard about Square 1 is the Death part. I have some friends who beautifully model a graceful embracing of death and dying. I value that quality and thought I was making strides towards that, but there’s this petulant part of me that is more like child that doesn’t want to go to sleep and miss something. I cling to who I once was, or what I thought I was, or, more aptly, my old way of thinking. The kicker is, even if I didn’t really completely like everything about who I once was, I still cling to it all just because of its familiarity, rather than seeing this as an opportunity to jettison those parts that weren’t working and create something new that fits better.

Logically, I know that death is a part of life, and that it’s the natural order and cycle of things. But emotionally, I struggle with the grief, fear, sadness, and anger. I fear the feelings will be permanent, so I resist them (thereby prolonging them, ironically). I try to mask my feelings, pretending everything’s fine, which takes so much more energy and creates dissonance inside me as my heart yearns to speak the truth. I dip my toe into the feelings and feel nearly overwhelmed by the undertow, so I quickly jump back on to the shore of resistance. There I am, clinging to the sand as the waves are sweeping it out of my clenched fists anyway. It’s painful to hold on, but I’m more afraid of letting go. But at some point, the pain gets to be too much, and I feel like quitting, giving up. “What’s the point of it all?” I feel like screaming.

Still petulant, I say to the Universe, “Fine! I give up!” and I let go. I let go of everything. I let go of my ideas and my dreams of who I thought I was and what I wanted so badly, and I let go of the pain of trying to be okay. I fall into the depths of my emotion. Falling, falling, I relax and let it carry me down. But then, I’m not down. There’s peace. Glorious peace that feels like a balm of contentment. Having finally let go, I can see new possibilities. I have so many more options than just the one I was clinging to. And I don’t have to let go of my dreams, it’s just the plans I had to get there that have changed.

I can see light again, the calm after the storm. And it feels so sweet. Still scary, as I navigate new territory that I haven’t been through before. I feel as vulnerable as a crab that’s just outgrown its shell, having split the old shelter and crawled my way out, I find that my new self is tender and exposed. But also hopeful. And I know the contrast between the storm and the peaceful aftermath are what make it so sweet, even though I wish I could bypass the storm altogether. (Maybe next time? Nah, probably not.)

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. ” ~ Pema Chödrön

What Now?

emilydownward

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” ~ Joseph CampbellThere are times when life throws you a curve ball. You’re going along, everything’s going great, and suddenly Wham! You get the wind knocked out of you with something that totally throws you for a loop. It could be a layoff, a death in the family, a break up, a diagnosis. Or sometimes it’s an opportunity, a promotion, a new relationship, the birth of a child. These are all catalytic events, and they throw you into what we Martha Beck coaches call Square One, where the way you defined yourself before no longer works now. It causes an internal identity crisis (the motto for Square One is “I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s okay.”), and we go through this many times in our lives. It’s not exactly pleasant, but it is survivable.

I’ve been going through some of my own Square One stuff in my life lately, and I thought it might be helpful to share a few things that help me survive the chaos.

1. Don’t make any major decisions or life changes. Wait a bit, until things settle — and they will settle. Square One doesn’t last forever, if you allow yourself to work through the emotions, which leads to…

2. Allow your emotions space to be. I’ve written before (and it’s still true) that I don’t always (ever?) find it easy to allow my emotions to be present, particularly those which feel unpleasant to me, like anger or sadness. But emotions are “energy in motion,” and as Jill Bolte Taylor describes in her book My Stroke of Insight, if we allow them to flow through our system, they course through our body in 90 seconds. It’s when we stuff them and resist them that they linger. 90 seconds seems doable to me, and I have found that it’s true: I feel better and get through the muck faster when I can allow these emotions space. (Note: it took me quite a bit of coaching and personal work to get reconnected to my emotions after stuffing and numbing them for years. I highly recommend getting help if you are feeling stuck in this area.)

3. Question everything. With your new perspective on how things are in your life now, you may realize that the assumptions you had before no longer apply. Take this opportunity to question your assumptions and create better thoughts and beliefs that work for you. For instance, when I got divorced, I came smack up against the idea I’d always held in my mind that divorced people didn’t really try hard enough to make it work. I hadn’t realized I had this judgment in my head, until of course I was in that situation myself. That judging thought made me feel awful about myself, and so I revised that belief. Coaching has given me great tools to identify and change my thoughts, and I believe it’s the ability to choose our thoughts that brings us the most internal peace and happiness.

4. Give yourself permission to ask for help. I’m fiercely independent and often have the can-do-it-myself attitude that is often demonstrated by young children. But when things get messy, when everything feels like it’s falling apart, it feels so good to know I’m not alone and that there is help out there. We aren’t meant to be solitary beings — the human experience is all about interconnectedness and relationships. Find someone who can give you some support and help you through your Square One mess.

5. Focus on gratitude. While it may seem counter intuitive when things are crappy, focusing on what you have instead of what you don’t will help shift your energy to a more positive place. You also may notice some really good things that come out of a Square One identity crisis. Perhaps in some ways you were ready to shed that old identity, and the catalytic event was a blessing in a strange way. Find the good things, even if they’re small, to be grateful for.

And as it’s Thanksgiving week here in the U.S., I am so very grateful for you, my readers and my clients, and for being able to serve as a life coach in this world. Wishing you all a good week and hoping you have some quiet time to reflect on your gratitude list.