Yesterday marked Winter Solstice, the darkest day of the year, the day with the shortest amount of daylight. Over the last few months, as the days have been getting shorter and darker, I have been confronting some darkness of my own, in the form of some challenging health issues and the accompanying thought storm that enveloped it.
My first reaction to the extreme fatigue I was experiencing was denial. Denial is a powerful coping mechanism…for a while. It just isn’t sustainable for me. Pretending that I was okay and pushing myself to do, Do, DO wasn’t working: I was getting worse. I first had to admit to myself that something was wrong, that it wasn’t just me being lazy or lacking self-discipline. Stopping the shaming and blaming that was happening in my own head was the first step towards acceptance.
And a word about acceptance…When I speak about acceptance, or surrender, I am referring to the idea of dropping the resistance to What Is. It does not mean giving up things ever being different; it is just giving up the struggle against the reality of what is occurring. For me, it is about acknowledging the truth. It’s important to me to be specific here because I have many friends and colleagues who subscribe to new thought concepts and tend to deny anything negative that is happening, choosing to rather focus on only positive. That doesn’t work for me. I believe in being honest with myself about the current state of things and working through the emotions that come up. In this way, I can clear the feelings and shift my energy towards creating something new.
The second step for me was admitting to others that I wasn’t doing well. I needed help and understanding that I wasn’t up to my usual amount of Doing. This was difficult for me, to admit to people I love and respect, and whose opinion I value, that I needed help, that I wasn’t doing well, that [gasp!] I wasn’t perfect. (I know I’m not perfect. I admit I’m far from it. But there’s a part of me that still strives to appear pretty well-put-together.) So I cut back on work and social activities, and for a time, I cut out everything that wasn’t absolutely necessary. In a way, this was very freeing, to have very clear priorities. I knew my health was paramount and that everything else was less important. Saying No became easier, and I also found I didn’t have the energy to pretend, or to hold on to anger or resentments. That was a gift from this challenge: recognizing the ease of being truthful about what is in my highest good.
My sensitivities have increased during this time, too. I already considered myself highly sensitive, (you can read more about highly sensitive people and Elaine Aron’s work here), and now it seems that my sensitivity has been raised even more. I’ve become acutely aware of which people, activities and foods bolster my energy, as well as those who drain it. It has become imperative to drastically reduce or eliminate those things and people that drain me. Self-care, which has at times felt overly indulgent and selfish to me, has become a necessity for my healing. So I found another gift, as I dropped the stories of being overly indulgent or lazy and respected my body’s needs for good nutrition, rest and silence.
Finally, I had to trust myself, as I was faced with disbelief and some disinterest from doctors who I hoped would help me. I became my own advocate and did a lot of research and reading, as well as talking more about what was happening with me and hearing from some caring friends who have had similar experiences. It was only through sharing what was going on with me that I got the information that pointed me in the right direction, as well as a recommendation to a physician who can help me heal. She is trained in Eastern and Western medicine, as well as being very intuitive and spiritual in her approach. She shared with me that she can see I’m on a spiritual path of surrender. I agree – I have found, especially in the past couple years, that I must surrender my ego, my small self’s desires, and my ideas of what “should be,” and trust in a higher plan. And then she shared that surrender happens in layers: first, on the spiritual level; second, on the emotional and mental level; and finally, on the physical level. She explained that my body is having challenges keeping up with the rate of surrender I am going through. I love the concept of this, and it has given me understanding, compassion for my body, and hope.
I share my personal story as an example of what a journey into the darkness of the time leading up to the Solstice might look like. I believe that by dropping the resistance to the dark, we can gain knowledge, insights and gifts from the process of going within. And I look forward to the light’s return, as the days begin to get longer, as a metaphor for the light returning on my own path.
May the light shine on your path and bring you hope and comfort. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be, and that all is well.
