moving

Getting Through the Muck

emilydownward

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” ~ Pema ChödrönA coach friend called me recently to catch up. She is near and dear to me, but we hadn’t spoken in about four weeks. The last four weeks have been quite a rollercoaster for me, and I’ve gotten so used to riding along, it wasn’t until I heard her response that I realized it’s true: I’ve had a lot going on. A lot of chaos and unknown and just crappy stuff.

I’m in the midst of a cross-country move, going from the Charlotte, NC area to just north of San Diego, CA. My boyfriend received a well-deserved promotion, and we both were thrilled with the opportunity to live in the San Diego area. Being a corporate relocation, the move is being coordinated by my boyfriend’s company. I was grateful, having moved from Austin to Charlotte earlier this year and not completely looking forward to doing it again. Unfortunately, every single step of this process has gone badly, including lack of communication and miscommunication with the coordinator, the poor skills and sloppiness of the packers, multiple delays of the movers, careless handling of our stuff by the movers (they dropped at least three boxes that I saw), the damage to our vehicles by the shippers, and difficulty in obtaining permanent housing due to the shortage of available properties where we want to live. We’ve been put in a temporary apartment for the past month – it’s incredibly small, especially considering we are both working from home, and the traffic noise from the nearby busy street keeps us awake. (I’m happy to report that we finally get into a permanent place next week!)

My hip has been paining me for several months, slowly getting more painful and less flexible. I’ve gone from a triathlon last year to using crutches and a cane to get around. It significantly worsened (pain and inability to walk) while we were moving out of our place in the Charlotte area. I figured I had overdone it and with rest it would get better…but it hasn’t. Before the move, I saw an orthopedic surgeon who said I needed surgery, but I purposefully delayed it until we are settled in our new place. I’ve now seen an orthopedic surgeon in California who recommends a cortisone shot. I’m holding tightly to the belief that this will fix it.

I supplement my coaching income with some consulting work, and the company I’ve been working for has recently changed the terms of our arrangement. While I know that they want to continue to work with me (yes!), my future income is less predictable.

Suffice it to say, I have a LOT of uncertainty in my life. It’s very disconcerting and frightening and scary. So much unknown.

I realized that in some ways, I’ve gotten used to the chaos. I’ve been able to switch between eagle view – taking the big picture, and knowing that this will pass and will someday seem like a very small time frame – and mouse view – focusing solely on what is directly in front of me. It’s not necessarily one day at a time but sometimes just one step, literally. It’s what I learned to get myself through the triathlon: when I looked far in the distance and was overwhelmed by the hill I was biking or the distance I had to run, I put my head down and just looked two feet in front of me. I asked myself, can you go that far (2 feet)? Well, yes, of course. It’s so easy. And then repeat. Breaking down any large project into tiny, infinitesimal steps makes it nearly easy to achieve, and therefore more likely to lead to progress, rather than being paralyzed by overwhelm.

I read a great blog post recently by Danielle LaPorte on how validating your pain is the first step to getting stronger. It’s so true. It was so nice to hear my friend validate that I’ve got a lot going on. I’ve been trying desperately not to focus on all the negativity and frustration and pain I’m experiencing, but ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. “What we resist, persists.” So I’m putting it all out here, to give you the permission to share your own pain, and to give hope to others who are struggling through their own desert of uncertainty. Find support for your struggle, and then press on, one step at a time, and know that this too shall pass.

Change in Scenery

emilydownward

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~ Wayne DyerI’ve recently experienced a big transition: I’ve moved across country to be with my boyfriend. I’m an experienced mover: I moved seven times growing up, and this is my fifteenth move as an adult. I have learned a lot about moving, including how to pack well and the value of detachment from material items that can get broken, damaged or lost. Moving always provides me an opportunity to reflect on what’s working, what’s not, and what I want to change in my physical environment. I don’t usually do a complete redecoration, but I refine what I have around me to reflect who I am now.

My mentor Martha Beck teaches in coach training about the Living Space tool. It’s based on the research and experience of Thomas Moore, a former monk and clinical psychologist. Coming out of the monastery and its austere way of life, Moore realized the significance and value of what we choose to put in our living spaces. He believes that every choice we make in the material world reflects the condition of our inner lives.

In the Western world, we seem to accumulate and value material possessions. I have found it interesting to note what I have too much of: kitchen and bathroom items. Some have been gifts, and some I’ve brought in to my home. I obviously get some comfort from having all these things, even though I found many things that haven’t been used in years.

So as I’m choosing what to unpack and what to store away, I’ve also been finding myself questioning what’s working and what’s not working in my habits and activities. What do I want to keep, and what am I ready to let go of? I’m doing more of what serves me and serves my clients and less of those things that drain my energy and don’t provide a good return on investment.

The interesting thing about our environment: when we make a small change in the outside, it can have ripple effects on the inside, too. It’s known as the butterfly effect. Coming from chaos theory, the butterfly effect explains how a small change can have a huge impact on a later state, such as how a butterfly flapping its wings can shift the trajectory of a hurricane.

Try this experiment: Look at your physical space and find the area that bothers you the most. What’s one thing you can change about it, either by taking something away or adding something? This works at home and the office. The changes you make in your surroundings will have effects on your inner state as well.