life coaching – Emily Downward

Choosing Your Focus

January 29, 2015emilydownward

Emily_Downward_Coaching-Fisherman in Seattle — This man is not bothered by the gray sky melding into the gray sea at all.

When I told people I was moving to Seattle, several of them said, “You’ll hate it there! It rains all the time, and it’s so GRAY.”

I would just smile and reply, “It’s not for everyone.”

And while it does rain quite a bit in Seattle (especially this time of year), and the sky can be a dreary shade of gray, there’s also something more.

Green.

There is so much green here, from the green grass to the bright-almost-neon green of the mosses, the blue-green of the blue spruce, the Kelly green of the ferns, and the deeper shade of green in the Western Hemlocks. (Not to mention all the blue and green around town in support of the Seattle Seahawks.) When I walk through the forest, I’m awestruck by the lushness and the beauty, the evidence of life in everything around me.

Yes, Seattle is often gray. And, Seattle is very green. I think it’s a perfect example of the power of our ability to focus.

Emily_Downward_Coaching-pic of Seattle forest Our brains naturally look for the negative – being on the lookout for danger is a survival instinct we’re hardwired for. However, we can shift our perspective by consciously putting our attention on the positive. And what we give our attention and focus to grows. Are you focusing on what’s wrong? Or on what’s right? Which do you want more of?

Seattle also has several large bodies of water. There’s the Puget Sound, the Salish Sea, Lake Union, and Lake Washington. And when the sky is gray, the water reflects the gray. But when the sky is blue, the water becomes a beautiful shade of blue. Sometimes, we are like this. We unconsciously reflect back what we experience around us in the world. When people around us in the workplace or in traffic are stressed and angry, it’s easy to get angry and short with them as well.

But there’s another option. You can choose to be like the green growing things that are found throughout Seattle. Choose how you want to show up, no matter what the weather is like around you. $Emily_Downward_Coaching-pic of fractals in plant$

Living in the Moment

November 7, 2013emilydownward

In the past couple months, my whole life has been turned upside down. Some might say everything fell apart; it could be that it’s falling together. I have become very aware that none of it is in my control, other than how I choose to react to it. I’ve been utilizing my coaching skills and my family, friends and extended network of coaches and energy healers to lean on. I wanted to take this opportunity to deal with this crisis differently than I ever have before.

What that looks like was first, allowing myself to feel all my emotions. There were lots of tears. I also experimented with meditation using mantras, Trauma Releasing Exercises, and Emotional Freedom Technique. All were very helpful, particularly in the most intense times where I felt like I was drowning in the powerful emotions I was feeling. What I didn’t want to do was stuff the feelings. I know stuffing is only a temporary solution, at best, and the energy of those emotions gets channeled in other ways, often causing extreme distress on our bodies.

In the state of extreme emotion and grief, I found I couldn’t make very good decisions, if I could make decisions at all. This is unusual for me, as I’m generally very decisive, but it’s not unusual for grief. My mind still struggles with “figuring it all out.” My thoughts tell me I’ve “had enough time for this grieving sh*t, that it’s time to make moves and DO something.” When I listen to that voice and go through the motions of making plans, I get completely overwhelmed and indecisive. Basically, my heart isn’t ready. Even though my mind thinks it knows best, I’m listening to my heart this time.

Not being able to make big decisions (or even medium-sized ones), I had to take my vision from eagle view down to mouse view. At first, I could only plan day-to-day. I’m now up to week-to-week and moving up to a couple weeks at a time. The only focus for this time is to answer for myself, “What sounds good next?” It may sound too simple, but when you’re in extreme grief, keeping things simple is good. It’s the only thing you can do, really. And when thinking about the long-term decisions gets overwhelming, it’s been extremely comforting to me to bring my attention to the present moment, reminding myself that for today, I have what I need: food, shelter, loved ones, enough money. I have enough for now. This shifts me into a state of gratitude, rather than panic and worry, and it feels so much more peaceful, as well as a better state from which to create a life that I want.

The other critical factor for me during this time period has been reaching out for help. I generally consider myself as someone who is very independent and self-reliant, and I love helping others…I’m not so good at asking for and receiving help. A dear friend and mentor told me in times of grief, we tend to isolate ourselves, when in actuality, it’s the time when we need communities the most. So I have reached out, again and again, and I’ve been given so many gifts of love, friendship, support, from phone calls and emails to shared meals and warm beds to stay in. In losing what I thought was “the love of my life,” I’ve found SO much love in my life. In losing my home, I’m remembering what it’s like to come home to myself, in a soul sense.

I’m still on the journey, still figuring things out as I’m able to, but I can see light on the horizon. The sun is breaking through the clouds of this dark time, and I know that all is well.

Finding Your Path to Achieve Your Goals

July 31, 2013emilydownward

I’ve recently moved (yes, it’s my second cross-country move this year), and as someone recently said to me, “it’s great to move because you find all the stuff you forgot about, but it’s terrible to move because you find all the stuff you forgot about.” I’m definitely finding that to be the case and am more inclined than ever to be more minimalist in stuff.

One of my finds was an old journal from 3 ½ years ago. Taking a brief respite from unpacking, I flipped through it and read a bit, my own words taking me back to that time of frustration. “I wonder…am I running away or running toward? There’s currently a commercial for a financial company that plots a green line that directs you where to go to reach your goal. The direction changes based on the goal. I wish I knew which line to follow – or that there was a clear line to begin with. What are my goals? I’d like to make a difference, leave the world better somehow. Sometimes I wonder if that’s possible in my current frustrating job. There are times when I can so clearly see the changes and processes that are needed to make things better. But I feel powerless to make a difference or influence such a change.”

This is why I coach others who are struggling at work. I get it. I know what it’s like to feel like your shoulders are permanently up around your ears due to stress and your stomach churning with anxiety. I know how demoralizing it is to feel like nothing is ever enough, and all you ever hear is “more, more, more!”

So much of our life is spent at work, and I believe everyone deserves to enjoy that time. Sure, there are always tasks that are unpleasant or loathsome (time entry in the agency world comes to mind), but no one needs to feel trapped, consistently burned out, or stuck. I help people find joy and passion in their work, whether that’s in their current job or one that better utilizes their strengths. And through my work, I get to achieve my goal of making a difference, making things better for my clients, and I get to use my experience in the corporate workforce to influence positive change.

I believe you don’t need fixing. You have all the answers inside you. And I know from experience that coaching can help you uncover those answers more quickly than you may be able to on your own. It may not be as graphic as the green line from the commercial that leads you to your financial goal, but there are signs along the way, within you and around you, that can lead you to a happier, more fulfilling life.

Catalytic Events

April 17, 2013emilydownward

Early on in my career, I had the privilege of working with a sassy, sweet and inspiring group of breast cancer survivors. Coming in at the age of 22 with my freshly printed college degree, I was hired to manage a group of volunteers who ranged in age from 35 to 65. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to listen more than I talked, as they had so much wisdom to share. Over time, I heard each of their personal stories, as well as hundreds of stories from women who called in to our helpline. A cancer diagnosis is one of the most shocking and dreaded things to hear, and yet, there was a remarkable beauty in how each woman chose to live her life and what meaning they gave their cancer diagnosis. It can be the worst thing that can happen to you, or, as many of them would tell me, it can be the best thing that ever happened to you. It gave them the opportunity to take stock of what was working for them – in jobs and relationships – and what wasn’t.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about catalytic events – those occurrences in our lives that knock us off our feet, take the wind out of our sails, and cause us to redefine who we are and how we think. Catalytic events come in three types: shock, opportunity and transition. Shock and opportunity are pretty self-explanatory and arrive unexpectedly. Transition events come from within, often beginning as a slight inner dissonance that grows and becomes impossible to ignore. All types of catalytic events send us into a period of death and rebirth, as we grieve what we were, or how we once defined ourselves, and give birth to a new, redefined version of ourselves.

I’ve been going through a few catalytic events simultaneously in my life recently, all of the opportunity variety. I am thoroughly grateful for these opportunities, so I have struggled a bit to allow myself the accompanying grief. It took a loving friend-coach pointing out to me that I was ignoring my grief. I then realized I was avoiding it, afraid of the depth of the sadness.

Catalytic events bring up our issues, and I’m finding that although I’ve done a lot of personal work on my issues already, there’s still a little more to work through. What I thought was a banana is now looking like an onion, as I peel off one layer to uncover yet another. Martha Beck teaches her coaches to “live it to give it.” So I will continue to peel away the layers, exposing the limiting beliefs in my mind and creating new ones that will serve me better (hint: they are more kind and empowering).

If you are grieving, and if you, like me, tend to want to avoid that, remember that pretending to be happy or to not feel what you’re feeling only prolongs the process. Allowing yourself to feel it, although it seems unpleasant, is the quickest way through. Resisting the feelings only makes them persist longer.

Putting It All Together

March 27, 2013emilydownward

I bought a new desk for my office, and it came in approximately 10,000 pieces. As I laid them all out on the floor and began to try to understand the directions and decipher which part resembled the diagram, I was reminded of a do-it-yourself mini robot kit I got one Christmas from an uncle. I was about 13 years old, and the box made it look interesting. Keep in mind, this was way before cell phones and touch screens and most electronic games. So the idea that I could build a robot that could either spin in circles clockwise or counterclockwise, or go straight if you engaged both wheels, and operate it with a remote control seemed pretty cool.

As I pulled out all the pieces and started looking at the enclosed directions, all I saw were Chinese characters that had no meaning for me. There were no English translations. However, I persevered and tried to match up the pieces as best I could using the drawings only. I was able to get it to work…sort of. The robot would go clockwise but not counterclockwise. Having only one wheel that worked, it definitely wouldn’t go straight. I also had an odd number of screws left over, and I was unsure whether they were intended extras or I had missed something. The novelty of directing the robot soon wore off, as it only spun in a circle one direction, and I was overwhelmed by the thought of deconstructing it and starting over.

Isn’t that just like life? Sometimes we want so badly to have directions, to learn exactly how we are supposed to find success, fulfillment and happiness. So we search for mentors, teachers, gurus. We watch how others find success and read self-help books. We take quizzes that promise to reveal that special something.

But the reality is that none of us came with directions. We all have to stumble through, trying to read the signs as best we can, making sense out of what we’ve been given. And sometimes we find that we are spinning in a circle, seemingly going nowhere. We have to take time to slow down, deconstruct what’s not working, chart a new course and make a plan to get us there.

For me, it makes it easier to enjoy the journey, knowing there is no one “right” way. And it helps to have wise mentors, teachers and coaches who can help me find my way back to my path when I feel like I’m lost.

Managing Your Energy

January 31, 2013emilydownward

One of the biggest shifts I’ve made in the last couple years since my training to become a Martha Beck certified life coach has been my awareness of the energy I am bringing to any given situation. I always knew and believed the only thing we can really control is how we react, but I hadn’t always known what a huge impact I can have by managing my energy before going into a challenging situation.

To me, managing my energy has three parts: 1) understanding what brings me energy and what depletes my energy, 2) knowing how to get back to my centered, calm place, and 3) mastering how to maintain that calm even in chaotic or challenging situations.

There are some commonalities on what drains us and what replenishes us, but each of us has our individual preferences, too. For many people, spending time in nature and getting some form of exercise provides us with more energy. Work can be either draining or charging to us, depending on if you’re in the right field for you or in the right role. If you’re in a job that challenges you and allows you to use your strengths, your work can bring you satisfaction and increase your well-being. Conversely, if you’re trying to be something you’re not, finding yourself bored or overwhelmingly challenged, your work might be depleting and a consistent source of stress. Becoming aware of what tasks, roles, activities, people and situations feed you versus drain you is an important first step. If you haven’t explored this for yourself, I’d encourage you to create a list and add things to one of two columns of “Replenish” or “Deplete.”

I’ve written before about getting back to center after being knocked off balance. It’s a fact of life that there will be unforeseen turns in the road and hurdles to face. If you’ve done the first step in identifying what fuels you, you can use that information to help get you back on track, as well as adding activities like meditation and quiet time to help you get calm and reconnected to your soul.

Last but not least is maintaining your positive energy in situations that trigger you. I work with many clients on this and the techniques and tools that work are as individual as each of us. But the benefits are amazing. When you can stay in a place of peace and possibility, knowing that you are okay and that whatever happens will be okay, it’s just magical what can happen. Conversely, if you are anxious and agitated, it’s much more likely that things will escalate or not go how you hoped. I recently had the opportunity to talk to a group of recent graduates who are job seeking, I encouraged them to approach interviews with confidence in who they are and what they are bringing to an employer, rather than the grasping energy of I-really-need-any-job. The first energy is inviting and much more attractive; the second is desperate, clingy and repellant.

Curious about what energy you are bringing? Notice how others react to you and realize it’s all feedback. While you can’t change how others react, you can change what you bring to the table and see if there’s any difference when you make an internal shift.

Are You Ready to Let It Go?

January 23, 2013emilydownward

Budgeting is a skill most of us learn through trial and error. We learn how to budget our time to get necessary tasks completed. We learn how to budget our energy, recognizing that some activities and people replenish us while others drain us. And we learn how to budget our resources, which can include time and energy as well as financial and creative resources. Occasionally, what looks like a good investment at first may end up to be a lost cause. And sometimes you’re smack in the middle of investing when you realize it’s better to cut your losses and redirect your energy.

I’m currently facing just this sort of dilemma…with a tooth. I’ve had my share of dental woes, but the majority of them are with one particular tooth. Tooth #12 has had a crown and two root canals over a period of 6-7 years, but the pain persistently returns. I was recently referred to an oral surgeon who gave me two options and posed the question to me, “How much more are you willing to invest in this? Are you ready to let it go?”

Perhaps it’s because I’m a life coach and I see everything as a great learning opportunity, but I couldn’t help but see the metaphor in this. I’ve spent a great deal of time, effort, money and dealt with a lot of pain from Tooth #12. We’ve drilled it, hollowed it out, given it new insides and outsides and all that’s really left is a shell. My mind jumped to times when I’ve done this with projects, jobs, and relationships.

If you’re feeling like you’ve done all you can to improve your situation, if you’ve contorted yourself to fit the needs of others to the point you hardly recognize yourself anymore, if you’ve tried babying it, medicating it, renovating it, and it’s still not working…perhaps it’s time to let it go. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

What do I want from this?
What am I getting out of this, as it currently stands?
What am I giving up to be in this?

You’ll know it’s time to let it go when what you’re giving up is more than what you’re getting out of it, or what you’re likely to get out of it. And more than likely, there are multiple ways to get to your ultimate goal, or what you really want. Perhaps you have to let go of the idea of one path to see the other roads that open before you.

Love, Birds & Happiness

September 18, 2012emilydownward

When you’re in love, everything seems special: the birds sing so sweetly, there is beauty all around you, and you can’t stop smiling. If only there was a way to bottle this feeling and pull it out on days when you don’t feel so good!

Maybe we can…

Scientists have discovered we have mirror neurons in our brain, which enable us to feel what another is feeling. This allows us to empathize with others, and it also comes into play when we are reading a great novel or watching a play or a movie and feel the emotions of the character within our own bodies. Have you ever identified with a character so much you laughed out loud? (I’ve done this before reading a great book by myself in a restaurant. Who cares if I got crazy looks? Laughter is good!) Or found yourself crying during a touching scene in a movie? (Steel Magnolias or Terms of Endearment are sure tear-jerkers for me.)

Mirror neurons make it possible to feel something even if you’re not experiencing it yourself.

Knowing that our brains control what we feel, we can leverage it in our favor: saturate our minds with treasured memories and flood our brains with the feel good emotions and chemicals.

Martha Beck describes the technique of Sense-Drenching in her latest book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, as one of the techniques to get to Wordlessness, a state of being where you shift your consciousness out of the verbal processing and into the more creative, intuitive and sensory brain regions. To try it, you simply come up specific sensory experiences or memories for each of the five senses. Start with your favorite tastes, imagining experiencing them in detail. Add in memories of your favorite scents, unrelated to the taste memory. Next, add in tactile sensations, like touching a kitten or holding a newborn. Then, call to mind the memory of sounds you love, like birds singing, wind chimes or the ocean. Finally, remember your favorite sights: a scenic overlook, a beautiful painting, or a loved one’s face. Try holding all these sense memories in your mind at the same time – this shifts your brain from thinking verbally to the peaceful state of Wordlessness.

In the field of Positive Psychology, researchers have determined to maintain a more positive outlook, you need to have 3 positive experiences for every 1 negative one, and interestingly, they found that the frequency is more important that the severity. You can leverage this, especially on tough days, by increasing the positive experiences in your day. Listen to your favorite music, take a favored snack with you to work, or wear your favorite color. Gratitude helps me, too, by keeping my focus on what I have rather than what I don’t have or don’t want.

Wishing you all a little extra happiness this week!