life coach – Page 5 – Emily Downward

Energizers vs. Drainers

May 22, 2013emilydownward

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who energize you and people who drain you.

Those who energize you leave you feeling better. You catch a sense of their confidence in you and find yourself thinking more positively. You find time with them just flies by and you can’t wait to spend more time with them. And I’m not just talking about love relationships either. These are the people in your life that you always count among your blessings, who inspire you and provide a safe space for you to just be you.

And then there are the drainers, those people who, for whatever reason, zap the energy right out of you. They may be people who need constant reinforcement and attention, who always want more, more, more (the term hungry ghosts comes to mind – you can never fill them). Or they could be the downers in your life that always look for how things can never work out and give you all the reasons why you should worry, prepare for ultimate doom, and just give up now. Maybe you don’t know exactly why, but after spending time with them, you feel completely and utterly spent.

If you’re lucky, you can surround yourself in your personal and professional life with only those who energize you. More likely, you have some energizers and some drainers in your family, social circle and at work. So how do you keep the drainers from depleting your energy resources?

Awareness. It sounds so simple, and yet, if you’re not conscious about it, you can’t change it. Start noticing how you feel after interactions with different people.
Reduce exposure, where possible. Think of it like x-rays: a couple dental x-rays are okay, but you don’t want full-body radiation all the time. When and where you can, limit your time and exposure to the drainers. For example, I love my relatives dearly but some drain the life force right out of me. I try to reduce the duration of time I spend with them to a couple hours at any one time when possible.
Balance with energizers. We can’t always limit our exposure to the drainers, so find ways you can fill up your energy deficit by scheduling in time with people or activities that raise you up. When I was in the corporate world, even a quick walk around the block or taking the stairs instead of the elevator between floors gave me a chance to breathe and reflect.
Set a boundary. This may sound crazy, but try it with an open mind. I don’t know how it works, but I know it does. Before you encounter the drainers in your life, or at the beginning of your day, imagine a boundary around you, like an orb that completely surrounds you. The surface is semi-permeable: love can pass through. All other stuff is kept out. Try it and see if you can feel a difference.

I recently read a great analogy on energy that resonated with me. Think of your energy for each given day as a bowl with 24 beads in it. You get to choose how you want to spend them, but you only have so many. Make conscious decisions about how and on whom you want to spend your energy beads, and don’t forget to keep a few for yourself.

Instead of Worrying

May 15, 2013emilydownward

I’m writing my blog post early this week, as this Wednesday I’ll be getting oral surgery. Eek. Probably one of my LEAST favorite things to do, and unfortunately, I’ve had my share of dental procedures over the years. I can describe the procedure to others, and when I see their reaction – wincing or pretend gagging – I realize I’m a bit detached from it. If I truly think about what the procedure entails, I get a little queasy myself.

I’ve known for several months that this procedure was going to happen, and there were times when I could easily get into feeling anxiety and dread, not to mention feeling sorry for myself that I have to go through this. My thoughts would churn, and my imagination would create all the worst-case scenarios. Our brain is so powerful, we can create something out of nothing. This can be used for great effect, such as any creative person can attest, or it can be used to create a lot of extra stress for yourself. Since the body reacts (with cortisol and adrenalin) to real or imagined threats, your thoughts can easily create a state of fight or flight. (I’ve written before about the effects of fight or flight on creativity, as well as the easiest way to get out of that state.)

I didn’t spend too much time worrying – I’ll admit, I did some – but I don’t find it to be a very productive use of my time or my mind. Worrying steals your peace in the present, and it doesn’t change what is going to happen. In fact, it may even prepare your mind to expect the worst, rather than the ideal, outcome. And the mind is a powerful tool. Numerous studies have shown the results of setting and focusing on positive intentions.

So here’s how I’ve prepared:

Take responsibility for my decisions. I realized this is my choice. I don’t HAVE TO get this procedure. I am choosing to, because I am looking forward to the completed, and better, outcome. Switching from “I have to” to “I choose to” is more than simple word choice. It switches me from being in the powerless role to one that is empowered.
Stay in the present. The procedure itself only lasts an hour or two, and the recovery time will be a few days. If I choose to worry about it, I can extend that misery for MONTHS. Staying focused on what’s present enables me to enjoy myself more, and I’m all for feeling good.
Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I have prepared for the contingencies, but I have spent most of my energy focusing on what I want the outcome to be.

If you’ve got something you’re not looking forward to doing, such as firing an employee, getting a performance review that you know isn’t going to be great, or even giving a presentation in front of a critical audience, calm your worrying mind by taking responsibility – recognizing your control in the situation, staying in the present moment, and using your mind to imagine positive outcomes. While you may not be able to change the fact that something unpleasant is going to occur, you will (at the very least) make your present much more enjoyable. And you may just impact the future outcome in a positive light, too.

Five Steps to Move Past Self Doubt

May 8, 2013emilydownward

What if I fail?

What if I’m not good enough?

This will never work.

How the hell am I going to do this?

I don’t know what to do next, but I should do something. What am I supposed to do?

Who do I think I am?

What if I make a mistake (AGAIN)?

What if I’m making the wrong choice?

Ah, my old friend Self Doubt. There have been times in my life when I felt confident, but it seems those times are fewer than the ones in which I’ve been accompanied by my steadfast companion Self Doubt. I honestly thought, by this point in my life, I would be past all this nonsense, that I would have mastered the doubts and felt more sure of myself and my abilities. Lately, I’ve stopped trying to get rid of it. I’ve come to accept that Doubt’s along for the ride. In fact, as long as I keep trying new things – and I do so love new experiences and challenges – then Self Doubt will continue to be my companion.

I’ll admit, there are times when Self Doubt gets the better of me, when I am so wrapped up in all the “what if’s” and “I can’t’s” that I’m paralyzed into indecision. But I’ve found that these simple steps can help me continue to move forward:

Speak your fears. Often times, the fears seem so large in my head, but if I actually say them out loud to a compassionate witness, they are so silly I might even laugh. Speaking them out loud can take the energy right out of them. It’s important to find the right person to share them with – I highly recommend NOT saying them to someone you know is a worry-wort. Bless their hearts, but they will just stir it up to be worse and more fearful. Find someone you know can provide calm, honest feedback, and if you don’t have someone like this, hire a coach to be your sounding board.
It’s all feedback. Evaluate your fears and determine which have merit. They may be trying to tell you something, like you need to do more research or preparation. Or they may just be frightened in general. It helps me to evaluate them from a higher perspective, taking myself out of the moment and looking at it from the broad picture of my life.
Minimize risk where possible. If your doubts have merit, address those issues to minimize risk where you can. Determine what is acceptable risk to you, and realize that for each of us that’s different.
Wait to worry. What do you know and what do you not know? Focus on what you know, and wait to worry about the possible outcomes until you know more. There is always time to worry about that later. (Or not.)
Take a leap of faith. At some point, you’re going to have to take that leap, or at least a step, into the unknown. After you have done the research, made preparations as best you can, and addressed the potential risks, take a chance. It actually helps me to think of worst-case scenarios and figure out how I would deal with them. Yes, I may fail. I have failed before, some real whoppers of failures, and I have survived them. This too shall pass.

(Full disclosure: I had doubts about posting this.)

Change in Scenery

March 20, 2013emilydownward

I’ve recently experienced a big transition: I’ve moved across country to be with my boyfriend. I’m an experienced mover: I moved seven times growing up, and this is my fifteenth move as an adult. I have learned a lot about moving, including how to pack well and the value of detachment from material items that can get broken, damaged or lost. Moving always provides me an opportunity to reflect on what’s working, what’s not, and what I want to change in my physical environment. I don’t usually do a complete redecoration, but I refine what I have around me to reflect who I am now.

My mentor Martha Beck teaches in coach training about the Living Space tool. It’s based on the research and experience of Thomas Moore, a former monk and clinical psychologist. Coming out of the monastery and its austere way of life, Moore realized the significance and value of what we choose to put in our living spaces. He believes that every choice we make in the material world reflects the condition of our inner lives.

In the Western world, we seem to accumulate and value material possessions. I have found it interesting to note what I have too much of: kitchen and bathroom items. Some have been gifts, and some I’ve brought in to my home. I obviously get some comfort from having all these things, even though I found many things that haven’t been used in years.

So as I’m choosing what to unpack and what to store away, I’ve also been finding myself questioning what’s working and what’s not working in my habits and activities. What do I want to keep, and what am I ready to let go of? I’m doing more of what serves me and serves my clients and less of those things that drain my energy and don’t provide a good return on investment.

The interesting thing about our environment: when we make a small change in the outside, it can have ripple effects on the inside, too. It’s known as the butterfly effect. Coming from chaos theory, the butterfly effect explains how a small change can have a huge impact on a later state, such as how a butterfly flapping its wings can shift the trajectory of a hurricane.

Try this experiment: Look at your physical space and find the area that bothers you the most. What’s one thing you can change about it, either by taking something away or adding something? This works at home and the office. The changes you make in your surroundings will have effects on your inner state as well.

Strength in Resting

March 13, 2013emilydownward

“The strength comes in the resting.”

It was such a simple statement by my personal trainer (aka my boyfriend) but also very profound.

He was remarking on my progress and complimenting me on sticking to my exercises to strengthen my hip, but he surprised me by telling me to take a day off – to not do anything threw me for a loop. My mind was momentarily puzzled. I had set my mind to do these exercises EVERY DAY and was convinced that if I didn’t do them every single day, I wouldn’t see the progress I wanted.

“The strength comes in the resting.”

Of course, muscle rebuilds during the resting periods. He reminded me of this, and I began to think of the other times when our strength comes during resting periods.

Like many people I know, I can get in a work-work-work mode to the point where I have difficulty switching gears and taking time out. If you’re like me, even when you get a chance to “rest,” your mind keeps up the 10,000-point To-Do list and keeps churning away on coming up with solutions for your challenges. This happens to me quite regularly, as my brain loves to run the program that I’m not doing enough. This thought can keep me very motivated and productive, but it can also drive me to the point of exhaustion and burnout. And I know, as you know, that we all need rest. I know that taking time to do things, like even 15 minutes for meditation, brings me so much additional energy and focus that I’m more productive for taking the break than if I just kept working.

Although this continues to be a struggle for me, what works best for me is to give myself permission for a specific period of time to rest, and to define what “enough” is. It may sound ridiculous, that I have to “give myself permission,” but what I mean by this is to combat the dictatorial voice in my head that tells me I have SO much more to do right now by returning to the thought (for example), “I’m going to sit here and meditate/read a book/play solitaire for the next 15 minutes.” Resting comes in different forms and in different durations depending on my schedule and what feels good in the moment.

Defining what “enough” is also varies based on my goal, energy level and time frame, but this has also been critical for me. By defining exactly what I feel comfortable with – rather than the elusive, undefined and therefore unachievable “enough” – I take back control over my inner dictator. I set the parameters, and I bring in the dictator to then execute it with precision.

I’d love to hear if you have additional techniques that work for you in switching out of work mode and into rest mode. And I wish you much peace and strength in your resting.

One Small Step at a Time

March 6, 2013emilydownward

I’m currently rehabilitating my right hip. Due to scoliosis and some other factors, it’s significantly weaker and has been causing me a lot of pain and making it difficult to walk. I’ve been doing a combination of therapies to relieve the pain and make it stronger, and after a couple of good days, I thought I’d join my boyfriend on a run around the lake. I was excited about getting out there and doing a run/walk, enjoying the nice weather and spending time together.

Unfortunately, I significantly overestimated my body’s current ability. I didn’t get very far at all before I began limping, and less than a mile into it, my leg started giving out completely. When this happens, I can usually catch myself with my other leg so I don’t fall down, but it’s very painful when it gives out. At this point in our “run,” I was hobbling. I decided to let my boyfriend run ahead without me while I turned back to SLOWLY make my way back to the car.

It was ridiculously slow. I had to stop and stretch several times, and I had to take very small steps to prevent my hip giving out. This gave me plenty of time to think, and my critical mind jumped in with a barrage of insults. “I CAN’T BELIEVE I can’t even run a mile! It was less than a year ago that I was doing my last triathlon and now I can barely walk! This is pathetic.”

I realized that although I want very much to be back at my triathlon training level, the reality is I’m not. I can either try to force my leg to do more than it can do (with the consequence of setting myself back and causing more pain), or I can take small steps, doing my physical therapy and allowing my body to rebuild the muscle strength at its own pace.

I am often impatient for things to be different, so this situation reminds me of many other times when I wished things were different NOW, whether it be at a job or in my personal life. I think the first step is recognizing where you are versus where you want to be, and the next challenge is to consistently take small steps towards your goal. It most often cannot be done all at once. Perhaps you want a new promotion. What are the steps to get there, other than talking to your boss or the decision makers about your intention? Notice what skills or expertise you need and determine ways to get that experience. Break down the progression into smaller steps, and keep your focus on executing those smaller steps flawlessly.

I also use coaching to quiet the critical voice inside my head. When I struggle against reality – what is true versus what I think it should be – I cause myself an incredible amount of stress and frustration. Accepting the reality doesn’t mean I give up on making improvements, though. It just means I have more peace in the moment. So I’ve traded the negative self-talk for encouraging thoughts: “Every day I do my exercises, I’m getting stronger.” And I’m taking purposeful, small steps – literally – towards my goal. (It’s working!)

“I’ll Be Happy When…”

February 20, 2013emilydownward

I have spent so much time looking ahead, looking forward to my next achievement. “I’ll be happy when I have ________” is what runs through my head. There are two problems with this way of thinking. One, I’m not in the present moment, grateful for and happy with what I have now (and all we have is Now). And two, when I get my fill-in-the-blank, I often find I’m not as happy as I thought I’d be.

At least I’m on to myself. I know I tend to do this future focusing. When I catch myself, I bring myself back to the present by breathing and focusing on my body. Then I find as many things as possible in my current reality that I’m grateful for. Sometimes, when you’re in a really sucky place, this could be a simple thing like the fact you’re still breathing or that the sun is shining. Anything that shifts you into a state of gratitude works!

The only reason we want things (or to achieve things) is because we want how we think it will make us feel. Ask yourself, “What will I feel when I get __________?”

As I work on growing my business, I’m in a pattern of trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and nearly succeeding, etc. There have been some successes (more things to be grateful for!), and I’m learning TONS along the way. I am still dedicated to my vision. I know in my heart I’m in the right job to best use my talents. Still, the failures and near misses are currently more prevalent than the successes. When I get discouraged, I remember the value in going back to the basics: What do I want, and what will I feel when I get that?

When I’ve identified what I want, I can go about breaking that goal into smaller steps and then taking those steps to get closer to the achievement. Equally important for me is the feeling state. When I know what feeling I’m looking to achieve, I can find ways to achieve that now, while I’m still taking steps towards my goal.

For example, one of the things I want to include in my coaching is to work with companies to help teams have more passion and joy in what they do, creating teams that work well together, and creating more success and efficiency for both the individual and the company. I have a clear vision of what it looks like, what type of people would hire me, and what kind of coaching tools I would use to help them learn more about themselves and connect with their passion and joy. When I ask what I will feel when I’m doing this, the answers include joy, fun, pride in my work, and a sense of fulfillment in helping others. How can I feel these things now? I get all of this out of coaching people, but I also can tap into those feeling states by reading the testimonials my clients have written about me or volunteering. I try to regularly tap into joy and fun, whether it’s sharing laughter with a friend (like the kind of laughter my youngest niece had when she recently told her sister, “You laughed a toot right out of me!”) or watching a cute video online.

Goals are important, and I believe in having a strong vision for where you want to go. But equally important is enjoying your Now. Find ways to be thankful for where you are and what you have in the present moment, and find ways to feel what you want to feel then now, because there’s no time like the present to start feeling better.

What Are You Waiting For?

February 13, 2013emilydownward

I was a senior in high school when the movie Dead Poets Society came out. In it, an unconventional English teacher, played by Robin Williams, inspires his students to seize the day. “Carpe Diem!” The Latin phrase became their rallying cry. I was moved by the movie and its message. What it meant to me was that we don’t know how long we have here on earth, our lives are meant to be fully lived, so take chances and go for your dreams.

I saw a great image on Facebook recently that said “The most dangerous risk of all – the risk of spending your life not doing what you want in the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later.” Are you waiting for that point in the future, when you have enough money, when you have that degree, when you feel confident, when you have the right partner, to follow your heart’s desire? Sometimes, there’s no time like the present. Here’s what you CAN do now:

Define what “enough” is. The portion of our brain that resembles a reptile (officially the reptilian brain) is lovingly referred to by Martha Beck coaches as the Lizard. It is responsible for thoughts of lack and attack. The lack ideas are plentiful (not enough money, not enough credentials, not enough food, not good enough). One way to keep them in check is defining what enough is for you. How much money in savings will make you feel comfortable? If you don’t define it, you’ll never reach the nebulous “enough.” Putting a structure to it gives you a clear goal.
Bring pieces of your Future into your Now. How can you incorporate elements of what you want into your life now? If you want to change careers and have identified what you want to do, consider what activities you can start doing now. This might include anything from reading books about your new area to joining online or local discussion groups to practicing your craft. Finding ways to bring your future state into your present state will give you some of that joy now and make your transition easier.
Take small steps. When people ask me about my career transition, it often seems like I suddenly took a huge leap. I did have to leap a bit, but behind the scenes were many small steps that made the actual leap less frightening. Break things down into small steps and take those small steps each day. Go between keeping your eye on the larger goal (eagle view) to focusing on what you can do today (mouse view) to get one step closer. While it may seem that your progress is slow, remember that those small steps add up. It is far better to take a small step than be overwhelmed and not making any forward progress.

In the movie, Robin Williams tells his students, “You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Don’t be resigned to that. Break out!”

Carpe Diem.

Being Unabashedly You

January 16, 2013emilydownward

One of my favorite assessments I ask my clients to complete is the Kolbe A Index. Based in decades of research, the Kolbe A Index measures your conative style, or how you take action. It focuses on what you do well, and learning more about your unique conative style can help you to leverage your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.

I’ll admit, I’m an assessment junkie. I love taking quizzes, from the serious to the silly, and learning more about myself in the process…or at least getting some frivolous fun from the results. Getting my results from the Kolbe A Index was the most validating to me, and I felt like a huge piece of the puzzle was snapped into place. As spiritual beings in this human experience, I think it’s natural that we ask ourselves “Who am I?” and “What am I meant to do?” For me, learning about how and why I do things the way I do was a fantastic revelation.

Of course, assessments like this are only as good as the application. Learning about my instinctual action mode has enabled me to leverage my strengths as I go about my daily work. Sometimes we all need a bit of prodding or bribing to get done tasks we’d rather forget. For me, deadlines (albeit realistic ones) are essential. If I don’t have a deadline, the task often languishes at the bottom of my To-Do list for weeks. I also know I prefer to have some sort of process to follow, although I like to modify processes when needed. If I’m starting out on an initiative that I don’t have a process for, providing myself with structure of any kind helps get me out of paralysis.

Kathy Kolbe, creator of the Kolbe A Index, provides an audio summary of your results, and I admire and appreciate how she highlights the value of each type, explaining how someone just like you has such a necessary role to play in our world. As she says, “Who you are is who you were meant to be.” So often we measure ourselves against others or try to do something the way we’ve been taught is the “right way.” I encourage you to forge your own path, do it your way, and celebrate what makes you uniquely you.