life coach – Page 4 – Emily Downward

6 Tips for Doing Stuff You Don’t Like (But Need to Do)

August 28, 2013emilydownward

This week, I’ve been doing a lot of things that aren’t particularly pleasant but that must be done. Some of these are work-related, and some are personal. Some are things I’ve been putting off for YEARS. I didn’t plan on packing them all into one week….it just happened. But I decided when I woke on Monday morning that I didn’t want to be in a state of dread and feel like I was slogging through the week. That doesn’t feel good.

We all sometimes need to do things that we would rather avoid. But avoiding has its price, too. One of the fun tasks I have this week is going to the California Department of Motor Vehicles for a driver’s license and vehicle registration. (I know, you’re jealous!) I have put it off for a bit, but it needs to be done. If I get pulled over for some infraction of the law (I never speed, I’m sure that wouldn’t be it), I could end up with a handful of tickets and some hefty fees to pay. As it is now, anytime I’m driving around and see a police car, I tense up. This is stealing my peace. In addition, it is a part of the large “things to do” list that is always in the back of my mind.

There are ways to “better” unpleasant but necessary tasks. Here are my tips for getting those things done:

Set your intention. When I first woke on Monday morning, I had that “UGH!” feeling. While it’s true I’ve never been a morning person, I quickly realized this wasn’t how I wanted to feel throughout the day or the week. I decided to refocus my intention for the day. How would I like to feel? Now, I knew it wasn’t realistic for me to go all the way to “blissful” this week, but I decided to settle for satisfaction: satisfaction at taking action and getting things done. That felt much better, and I noticed a difference in my day. While I still wake up pretty much every morning with a “I don’t want to get up” feeling, as soon as I’m conscious, I’m setting my intention for how I DO want to feel.
Check it off. I get a lot of satisfaction of checking things off my list. If you’re also motivated by lists and checking them off, experiment with what gives you the most satisfaction: a checkmark, crossing through the item, or marking it with “DONE!” (The last one is my favorite. It makes me feel like I achieved something.) Be aware not to overwhelm yourself: don’t put too many things in any one day.
Reward yourself! When I was a kid, I had to have a painful ingrown toenail procedure. My mom rewarded me afterwards by buying me my first bra. I was so excited! Of course, I didn’t really NEED a bra in those days, but I felt special and very grown-up wearing it. Find different ways to reward yourself for accomplishing unpleasant, dreadful or painful tasks. Create a reward sheet with small items (like a Starbucks coffee drink, a phone call with a treasured friend or a short walk in nature) and big ones and use them as needed to motivate yourself to get through big or small tasks.
Make a plan. Some things you need to do may be complex or have many smaller tasks within them. Rather than put the huge summary item on your to-do list, break it into the smaller pieces. These are more digestible to your brain – it won’t seem as overwhelming – and it’s much easier to chip away at something. Think of how much pollen a bee must collect to create even a drop of honey. Does the bee sit around thinking, “Oh my, how will I ever do it all? I’ll never have enough!” No. He gets to work on the flower in front of him.
Create accountability. If the task you are facing doesn’t already have accountability built in (like your boss is waiting for you), create your own by telling someone what you are planning on achieving and by when. You can even ask them to check in with you to make sure you’re doing it. Some writers and dieters I know use social media for this purpose and get encouragement from their friends’ comments.
Remind yourself Why. It is helpful for me to remember why I am doing this task. It could be for my health, for my profitability, to obey the law (driver’s license & registration), or for my peace of mind. Keeping focused on the outcome motivates your sense of purpose.

There’s still a few days left in this week, and still more tasks I’d rather avoid…what did I forget? Do you have some other ways that help you get things done? I’d love to learn from you — please leave me a comment.

What Are You Missing?

August 21, 2013emilydownward

It’s minutes before the meeting, and you are frantically searching for the report you KNOW is on your desk. You go through the piles and files and finally decide to print another one. Running down to the printer, you see it’s jammed and several people are in queue in front of you – you’re not going to be able to get another copy in time. You go back to your desk – they’re calling you from the meeting room – and exasperated, go without it. Later, after lunch or the next day, when you’re calmly doing something else, you find the exact report you were frantically looking for, and it IS on your desk. You wonder how you could have missed it!

Has this happened to you? Whether at work or at home, sometimes I get in such a panic looking for the thing I’m needing…and it’s precisely that state that makes it more difficult to discover anything useful. It’s a fight-or-flight state of panic, and it feels grasping and anxious. In that state, our vision is narrowed. It’s a state that is meant to protect us from danger, but our bodies respond to physical danger and perceived danger the same. Unfortunately, many of our workplaces are structured to be hurried and “everything’s urgent,” which can stimulate our fight-or-flight state quite easily.

Last week, my boyfriend and I visited the San Diego Zoo. It was a vacation day for us, we weren’t in a hurry, and since we joined as members, we knew we could come back again and didn’t need to try to see the whole park in that one visit. I’m still rehabilitating my hip, so I’m still walking slower. (But I’m walking! So grateful.) We meandered through, occasionally annoyed at others who pushed ahead of us to jockey for a prime viewing position, but soon they were gone, rushing to the next thing. We noticed how many of these people would remark that they didn’t see the animal they were looking for before moving on. We just looked at each other and smiled before turning back to look at the “missing” animal in the exhibit.

When you are in a calm state, you can use a soft focus – not pinpointed on any one thing, your vision is broader, and you are more able to take in a wider perspective. This is helpful not only for finding “lost” items, but also for collaboration and negotiation, critical skills in any business. A broader perspective allows you to “see” others’ viewpoints more easily.

The quickest way to get out of fight-or-flight is [at least] three deep breaths. Relax your belly and breathe deeply, filling your belly and chest with air. As you exhale, try to make the exhalation longer than the inhalation. Repeat twice (or more). And then take another look.

In Dealings with Others, Be Smarter than Your Brain

August 14, 2013emilydownward

I’m fascinated by how the brain works. Until we can watch our thoughts, and even after we know to do that, our stories or our inner dialogue drive so much of our experience and our behavior. It’s no wonder we get stuck in the same patterns month after month, year after year.

Our brains, particularly the left brain, looks to the past to predict the future. We base what will happen by what has happened before. This can be very helpful in many situations. Take cooking for example. You know how to make a certain recipe and the steps and ingredients involved. You may have even played with the recipe a bit and know what you can leave out and what’s essential.

But in other areas, such as in relationship with others, this predictive process of the brain can be extremely limiting and cause conflict, both for you and for others. If others have experienced you during a trying or difficult time in your life, and if they experience you as cranky or emotional or impatient, they may assume this is how you always react to others. We do the same to others in our life – in our social circles, families and in the workplace. We see how others react to us and our brain stores the information away as evidence of “this is how he/she is.”

Unfortunately, if someone has changed, through conscious work or just due to the passage of time, we may miss the change.

I recently watched a British documentary 56 Up that followed 13 people in 7-year increments throughout their lives, from the age of 7 to 56. It was fascinating to see the differences in their progress across the ages. Several of the participants remarked on the local notoriety they received, as well as how they were judged, even years later, for a flippant opinion they gave at a certain age. One man wisely noted that the brief interviews were a snapshot of how a person changes over time but not necessarily a complete view of who he was. I thought that was a brilliant assessment. Who of us would want to be confined to the opinions we espoused at age 14 or 21? We want the freedom to evolve, to grow and improve.

This week, try to look at those around you with new eyes. Allow others the freedom to be whoever they are. You don’t have to agree with them or do things like they do – you get to choose for yourself how YOU want to be. Remember that we are all doing the best we can with the knowledge and resources and experience that we have at the moment, and we are all on different journeys and at different points along those journeys. Namasté.

(“Namasté” is Sanskrit and means “that which is sacred in me greets that which is sacred in you.”)

5 Tips on Working Location Independent

July 24, 2013emilydownward

For the past few years, I’ve been working out of my home, or wherever I may be travelling, and have been able to continue to build my coaching business and work on consulting projects to keep a steady income flowing. This has been very helpful this year especially, as I’ve had two interstate moves taking me from coast to coast. I’ve learned as I’ve gone along what works well – and what doesn’t. Here are my top five tips on how to successfully work location-independent:

Meticulously Plan – Before leaving on a trip or an extended stay away from my office, I mentally go through what will be happening each day and what supplies I’ll need. I visualize each step, even the small ones, to help me remember all the components I’ll need, such as files, power cables, presentation adapters, headset, and my favorite writing instruments. I also think through back-ups. (For example, what if I can’t get my computer to work with a client’s system for presentation? Bring a USB drive.) Much of this has come from learning from my mistakes. I’ve accumulated extra power cords from trips when I had to buy one because I forgot mine at home, so I now keep these ready to go in my backpack.
Get the Essentials – To be able to do my work, I must be connected with phone and Internet. It’s pretty easy now to find internet access somewhere, and for those few hours here or there when I don’t have it, I focus on the work I can do that doesn’t need internet, such as writing next week’s blog post. I also have times when I’m coaching clients that I need a quiet space for phone conversations. I plan ahead for these to ensure I’ll have the privacy and quiet required.
Be Vigilant of Time Zones – Between my cross-country moves this year and multiple trips, I have to double-check time zones to make sure I don’t miss an important meeting or call. For me, this includes changing the time zone on my calendar when I’m landing in a new place, as well as coordinating my time zone with my clients’ locations. I frequently check TimeandDate.com to make sure I’m calculating it right.
Over-Communicate – Remember the saying “tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, and tell them what you told them?” I highly recommend this for working remotely: tell them what you’re planning on doing, tell them what you’re currently working on, and tell them what you’ve completed. If you’re not in the office, people aren’t sure what you’re up to. It’s better to over communicate than to assume they know what you’re working on. Quick status phone calls and (at minimum) weekly emails give you the opportunity to share what you’re doing. I also have found it’s extremely important to share your accomplishments and kudos. Some people do this more easily than others. For me, it doesn’t come naturally, but I’ve found if I don’t note my accomplishments, others won’t either. Don’t assume your supervisor or upper management know what your contribution is. Make sure they know the part you played.
Set Boundaries – For me, boundaries work both ways: I need to clearly define when I’m available and when I’m not for others AND for me. It’s critical to let others know, but it’s just as important for me to honor my boundaries for myself. I know I have a tendency to give more to others, and chronically doing this only burns me out. I set times for work and times to allow myself to turn off email and phone, to let myself recharge. I still have to battle the thoughts in my head that I need to do more. If my mind is churning on what needs to be done, I’ll write a quick list, truly determining if anything is actually urgent, and prioritizing those. I also find meditation helps to calm my mind, but often, I need to get it all written down in a list before I can let it go.

One of the benefits of connectivity in today’s world is being able to work remotely from just about anywhere. I enjoy working location independently, but I’ve also learned it’s vital for me to disconnecting from electronics to connect inward and cultivate inner peace, to connect with nature and experience wonder, and to connect with others to experience love.

Getting Through the Muck

July 17, 2013emilydownward

A coach friend called me recently to catch up. She is near and dear to me, but we hadn’t spoken in about four weeks. The last four weeks have been quite a rollercoaster for me, and I’ve gotten so used to riding along, it wasn’t until I heard her response that I realized it’s true: I’ve had a lot going on. A lot of chaos and unknown and just crappy stuff.

I’m in the midst of a cross-country move, going from the Charlotte, NC area to just north of San Diego, CA. My boyfriend received a well-deserved promotion, and we both were thrilled with the opportunity to live in the San Diego area. Being a corporate relocation, the move is being coordinated by my boyfriend’s company. I was grateful, having moved from Austin to Charlotte earlier this year and not completely looking forward to doing it again. Unfortunately, every single step of this process has gone badly, including lack of communication and miscommunication with the coordinator, the poor skills and sloppiness of the packers, multiple delays of the movers, careless handling of our stuff by the movers (they dropped at least three boxes that I saw), the damage to our vehicles by the shippers, and difficulty in obtaining permanent housing due to the shortage of available properties where we want to live. We’ve been put in a temporary apartment for the past month – it’s incredibly small, especially considering we are both working from home, and the traffic noise from the nearby busy street keeps us awake. (I’m happy to report that we finally get into a permanent place next week!)

My hip has been paining me for several months, slowly getting more painful and less flexible. I’ve gone from a triathlon last year to using crutches and a cane to get around. It significantly worsened (pain and inability to walk) while we were moving out of our place in the Charlotte area. I figured I had overdone it and with rest it would get better…but it hasn’t. Before the move, I saw an orthopedic surgeon who said I needed surgery, but I purposefully delayed it until we are settled in our new place. I’ve now seen an orthopedic surgeon in California who recommends a cortisone shot. I’m holding tightly to the belief that this will fix it.

I supplement my coaching income with some consulting work, and the company I’ve been working for has recently changed the terms of our arrangement. While I know that they want to continue to work with me (yes!), my future income is less predictable.

Suffice it to say, I have a LOT of uncertainty in my life. It’s very disconcerting and frightening and scary. So much unknown.

I realized that in some ways, I’ve gotten used to the chaos. I’ve been able to switch between eagle view – taking the big picture, and knowing that this will pass and will someday seem like a very small time frame – and mouse view – focusing solely on what is directly in front of me. It’s not necessarily one day at a time but sometimes just one step, literally. It’s what I learned to get myself through the triathlon: when I looked far in the distance and was overwhelmed by the hill I was biking or the distance I had to run, I put my head down and just looked two feet in front of me. I asked myself, can you go that far (2 feet)? Well, yes, of course. It’s so easy. And then repeat. Breaking down any large project into tiny, infinitesimal steps makes it nearly easy to achieve, and therefore more likely to lead to progress, rather than being paralyzed by overwhelm.

I read a great blog post recently by Danielle LaPorte on how validating your pain is the first step to getting stronger. It’s so true. It was so nice to hear my friend validate that I’ve got a lot going on. I’ve been trying desperately not to focus on all the negativity and frustration and pain I’m experiencing, but ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. “What we resist, persists.” So I’m putting it all out here, to give you the permission to share your own pain, and to give hope to others who are struggling through their own desert of uncertainty. Find support for your struggle, and then press on, one step at a time, and know that this too shall pass.

Recap of the World Domination Summit

July 10, 2013emilydownward

I attended the World Domination Summit last weekend in Portland. Led by Chris Guillebeau with the idea of “living a remarkable life in a conventional world,” the conference inspires positive social change. Here are a few takeaways from my experience:

I found Pam Slim’s the Art of Action seminar to be practical and inspiring. She gave us a simple formula to begin taking action on our dreams and asked us to brainstorm with the person next to us. The quick collaboration gave me a new idea to approach my goal of presenting and coaching within companies, and I have a straightforward list of actions and deadlines, as well as a new buddy for accountability.
I enjoyed Darren Rowse’s presentation on the main stage about the importance of dreams, and his breakout session with Chris Garrett was chock-full of best practices for blogging. I’m using one of their tips right now by asking you, reader: What topics or questions would you be interested in me covering on this blog? Leave a comment to this post below.
I found Steve Schalchlin’s performance (piano and singing) incredibly moving. Through his songs, he tells the story of his experience with HIV in the mid-90’s and the amazing return to life from death’s door when he was chosen through a lottery to receive a new medication. He calls his life now as “living in the bonus round,” and his message of hope and triumph were inspiring.
Donald Miller was the final speaker, and he shared his story and experience about stepping out of the false self we create to avoid shame and showing who we truly are. He spoke from the heart, and his authenticity gave strength to his message.

A lot of emphasis throughout the weekend was on entrepreneurship, and while the audience was largely entrepreneurs or those who want to leave their corporate job, I was surprised that there wasn’t any discussion on making a difference from within an organization. It was proudly mentioned several times that WDS is not sponsored by any corporations, but it seemed that the massive impact that corporations can have for good was completely overlooked. Not everyone wants to be an entrepreneur. Fortunately, you can still have a positive impact on the world, especially your world and those around you, by being a force for good where you are.

Personal Independence

July 3, 2013emilydownward

Here in the U.S., we celebrate Independence Day tomorrow. I’m celebrating with my sweetie by travelling up to Portland where we’ll be attending the World Domination Summit over the weekend. (If you’re not familiar with WDS, it’s all about positive social change, started by author Chris Guillebeau. This will be my first year attending, and I’m excited about the planned content and speakers.)

What does independence mean to you? Is it about having enough money to do what you want when you want? Is it having time to rest, create and play? Is it being your own boss and setting your own schedule?

I have found it so helpful and illuminating to define exactly what I want. After all, if you don’t know what you want, it’s very challenging to chart your course to get it. I get most clarity by writing, so I make lists or descriptions of what I want in my journal, being as specific as feels good to me. It may sound simple, but it can be a very eye-opening because pesky thoughts about not being good enough or not being worthy may pop up as I begin to dream big. Cleaning up those thoughts (using Byron Katie’s The Work) helps me clear the path and get my brain to work FOR me instead of getting in my own way.

If independence doesn’t get your creative juices flowing, try defining success. Then make a list of what you want – it’s important to focus on what you want, not what you don’t, so write in the affirmative. If you’re feeling too separated from what you might really want, start with broad strokes and begin to notice what people, activities and events bring you energy and joy.

My Personal Tutor: My Hip

June 26, 2013emilydownward

My teacher Martha Beck stresses the importance of listening to the wisdom in our bodies. Our bodies are talking to us all the time, and I’ve heard that the body is primarily how our souls communicate to us. Of course, it’s a more subtle conversation than the constant chatter of our minds. Over the past couple years, I’ve gotten a lot better at listening, but I have to admit, I recently missed a big one. Guess what? If you don’t pay attention, the body gets louder to get your attention.

About nine months ago, I started having pain in my right hip. It was annoying and making it more difficult to run, but I pushed on, convinced it was due to muscle weakness and the scoliosis I’ve had since my teens. I began doing strengthening exercises and continued to run. It didn’t get better. Swimming seemed easier but wasn’t always accessible. I tried ice, heat, deep tissue massage, acupuncture – all with limited success. Running was soon out of the picture, but I kept walking and joined a yoga studio, thinking the stretching and strengthening would help. The pain continued. One day my favorite yoga teacher told us all at the beginning of class to consider this yoga practice as a conversation with our bodies and reminded us that conversations include listening. A light bulb moment for me, as I realized I had been pushing my body to do the advanced poses, trying to prove to myself, the teacher and my classmates that I was good enough to be there. I began to listen a little more.

I finally asked my doctor about it, got a referral to an orthopedic surgeon, and discovered I have a tear in the cartilage in my hip (due in part to scoliosis, the way I’m made, and in part due to repetitive motion). All the exercises I’ve been doing have probably made it worse, which is why the pain is increasing. I’m now at the point where I can barely walk, and I have humbly had to utilize a wheelchair in the airport and rented a motorized scooter for a recent convention. I’m planning on getting surgery soon, but in the meantime, I’m using this as a lesson. And I’m finding that the insights I’m having from this apply to the rest of my life as well:

I need to listen more. Yeah, this is pretty obvious. I am working on listening and not judging – if my body says “I’m not walking,” I need to honor that. This applies to the rest of my life, too, because I often forget to listen first and jump into talking and sharing my POV right away.
Go slowly. To be able to walk at all right now, I need to go VERY slowly. If I don’t, my hip either completely gives out or the pain intensifies even more. In our society, the pace of life has gotten so fast, and this injury has forced me to slow down. It makes me more conscious of what is going on around me.
Focus on one thing at a time. Be mindful. I am used to doing many things almost at once, but again, my hip is forcing me to concentrate. If I try to pivot or spin around while walking (like in the kitchen), I get a sharp pain or the hip gives out. While multitasking has become the norm, researchers have proven that we really can only do one thing at a time. In my current state, I must be mindful of what I am doing and how I am doing it. It’s a good exercise in focusing, and I can use more of that in everything I do.
Rest and recover. A lot. I like to do a lot of different things, and there is so much I want to do. I push myself to do more, such as trying to squeeze in an errand on the way to an appointment, or carrying what my dad would call “a lazy man’s load,” piling many things into my hands and arms to transport from one place in the house to another, which nearly always results in something being dropped. Now, I’m finding that I need a LOT of rest, including time for just putting my feet up and time for sleep. And I’ve had to battle with my inner taskmaster who thinks this is lazy and at odds with being an entrepreneur.
Be willing to ask for help. This one is tough for me, but again, the state my hip is in now has made it a necessity. I have had to ask a lot of people for help, particularly my partner. I have realized how much of my self-esteem is wrapped up in what I do, and this has made me question that. Who am I if I can’t do everything I’m used to? What do I have to offer if I’m not able to do that?

Pain is a persistent teacher. It tells you when to stop and when to ask for help. Of course, you have to listen. May you listen to the whispers of your own body as it shares its wisdom with you.

Making It Easy

June 19, 2013emilydownward

We all have things to do that we don’t necessarily enjoy. Some of us have A LOT of things in our life we don’t enjoy. Some of us look around and have so much in our life that is making us unhappy, we wonder how we got to this place. It seems like we’re stuck. We trudge through, suffer through, telling ourselves that life is tough but we will persevere, or maybe that “this is my lot in life” and wonder when it’s going to get easier, when it will be our turn.

I’ve experienced this, both in my professional and personal life. I felt completely stuck, not knowing which direction to go in next when it seemed everything was not going right. Even though I’m now in a job I love, working with people I adore and have a fantastic flexible schedule, those thoughts still come up sometimes. “Why is this so difficult?” I ask myself.

Now, when I hear myself saying something is “difficult,” it’s my cue that I am most likely making things more difficult than they actually are and it’s time to start investigating my thoughts. Our thoughts cause our feelings, which influence our actions. Cleaning up the thoughts goes right to the source of the problem and enables me to take action from a much better place.

To clean up my thoughts, I use Byron Katie’s The Work. (I highly recommend you check out her free resources online.) And after doing that, I ask myself instead, “How can I make this easier?”

The Messy Side of Becoming

June 12, 2013emilydownward

[My lovely teacher Martha Beck developed the Cycle of Change model that describes the process we go through with any major change. It begins with Square One: Death & Rebirth. I’ve been experiencing a lot of major change this year and getting intimately familiar with Square One. I thought I’d share my experience in hopes it sheds a little light for someone else.]

I think what’s so hard about Square 1 is the Death part. I have some friends who beautifully model a graceful embracing of death and dying. I value that quality and thought I was making strides towards that, but there’s this petulant part of me that is more like child that doesn’t want to go to sleep and miss something. I cling to who I once was, or what I thought I was, or, more aptly, my old way of thinking. The kicker is, even if I didn’t really completely like everything about who I once was, I still cling to it all just because of its familiarity, rather than seeing this as an opportunity to jettison those parts that weren’t working and create something new that fits better.

Logically, I know that death is a part of life, and that it’s the natural order and cycle of things. But emotionally, I struggle with the grief, fear, sadness, and anger. I fear the feelings will be permanent, so I resist them (thereby prolonging them, ironically). I try to mask my feelings, pretending everything’s fine, which takes so much more energy and creates dissonance inside me as my heart yearns to speak the truth. I dip my toe into the feelings and feel nearly overwhelmed by the undertow, so I quickly jump back on to the shore of resistance. There I am, clinging to the sand as the waves are sweeping it out of my clenched fists anyway. It’s painful to hold on, but I’m more afraid of letting go. But at some point, the pain gets to be too much, and I feel like quitting, giving up. “What’s the point of it all?” I feel like screaming.

Still petulant, I say to the Universe, “Fine! I give up!” and I let go. I let go of everything. I let go of my ideas and my dreams of who I thought I was and what I wanted so badly, and I let go of the pain of trying to be okay. I fall into the depths of my emotion. Falling, falling, I relax and let it carry me down. But then, I’m not down. There’s peace. Glorious peace that feels like a balm of contentment. Having finally let go, I can see new possibilities. I have so many more options than just the one I was clinging to. And I don’t have to let go of my dreams, it’s just the plans I had to get there that have changed.

I can see light again, the calm after the storm. And it feels so sweet. Still scary, as I navigate new territory that I haven’t been through before. I feel as vulnerable as a crab that’s just outgrown its shell, having split the old shelter and crawled my way out, I find that my new self is tender and exposed. But also hopeful. And I know the contrast between the storm and the peaceful aftermath are what make it so sweet, even though I wish I could bypass the storm altogether. (Maybe next time? Nah, probably not.)