life coach – Page 3 – Emily Downward

Why is This Happening Again?

February 26, 2014emilydownward

Have you ever had one of those days where you ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me again?!?!?”

I had one of those recently. Frankly, I was pissed. I know I have changed so much about how I deal with things, and it’s beyond annoying to have the same results show up. It could be seen as evidence that all the positive changes I’ve made don’t amount to anything. I know our brains always look for evidence to prove our beliefs correct, and it seems that my brain is STILL focused on those old beliefs, even though I’ve done so much to change my thinking to work for me and for my goals. I know I’m still focused on what I don’t want because my thoughts went something like, “I’m so tired of this! It’s not FAIR! I don’t deserve this!” and I felt like shouting, screaming or crying – or some combination of all three. And then there’s the additional judgment about this thought-storm in my mind: “This is NOT very evolved, mature, or a good example of how a life coach ‘should’ be.”

I recently read a great article by a coach I love from a deliberate creation perspective. Jeannette wrote that those circumstances where it looks like nothing has changed is an echo of what we used to get. Her writing really resonated with me, as she gave the metaphor of how Facebook will ask “Are you sure you really want to do that?” and requiring a Yes or No from us before taking the action we initiated.

Or, as Martha Beck puts it, “Our external circumstances don’t change our feeling states. Our feeling states change our external circumstances.” Martha teaches we have to change our internal feelings first, and that shifting our feelings affects the external circumstances. We often want things because of how we think they will make us feel: for example, “once I get that promotion, then I’ll feel confident and empowered.” Unfortunately, that’s just not the way it works. We have to feel confident and empowered (or whatever your desired state is) FIRST. I’ve seen this happen in my own life and in my clients’ lives. Once the shift is made, the circumstances come about so quickly.

But in the moment of frustration, when I’m raging against what is happening, that this is NOT what I want, it’s so tempting to go back to old patterns of thinking and coping. At least this time, I recognized exactly what was happening and I was aware of what I was thinking and feeling. This is crucial – as I tell my clients all the time, awareness seems so obvious once we have it, but it’s a HUGE first step towards changing things. In that moment, I could see how I could easily think the things I’ve always thought, and do the same things that I used to do to comfort myself. BUT I also know that doing things the same way will keep me in the same, or similar, circumstances. And that’s not where I’m going. I’m choosing a new road. And the answer to “why am I still getting this situation?” is just because I need practice. I haven’t quite mastered this lesson yet.

When do YOU say “enough is enough; what I’m doing isn’t working. I’m willing to try something else”? Are you ready to try something new?

Do It Anyway

February 19, 2014emilydownward

I spoke recently to a group and one of the questions they asked me has continued to circulate in my mind. I keep thinking of additional answers, not in a “I-wish-I-had-answered-it-better” kind of way, but rather, in a deeper understanding of my own truth to the question.

The question was, “How do you teach about such things at your young age?” (Everyone in the group I was speaking to happened to be older in age than me.)

First, I must admit, I don’t think I’m at such a young age anymore! (I recently saw a quote about how I’ll never be as young as I am today, and I’ve never been as old as I am today. Always true!) But being young has consistently been a challenge for me in my professional career. I have been blessed with good genes, and combined with a near obsessive use of sunscreen, I have often been mistaken for a younger woman. It’s a blessing, to be sure, EXCEPT when you are judged critically as being too young to be credible or knowledgeable.

However, the question didn’t make me go on the defensive. It was asked sincerely, without cynicism or doubt in my abilities.

Initially, I was reminded of my first job out of college, working for the Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, where I managed a group of volunteers who were breast cancer survivors and were mostly my mother’s or my grandmother’s age. I respected their knowledge and experience and approached them as a servant leader. I did push them – such as shifting all their resources to computer rather than notebooks and making them all learn how to use computers – but I recognized the value they brought to the group, as well as sharing my strengths.

“How do you teach about such things at your young age?”

The question also makes me think of the somewhat ridiculous name of “life coach.” As if I have all of life figured out and am telling people how to best live theirs! (That’s not what coaching is.) I do not believe I have everything figured out…far from it. But I have learned some amazing tools that have helped me tremendously in rewiring my brain to work more FOR me than against me, as well as tools that help me regain my peace and balance much more quickly when life, as it sometimes does, knocks me off. My life has been impacted by coaching so incredibly that I can’t help but want to share this with others, so they too can experience the joy, peace and success that I’ve been blessed to experience.

“How do you teach about such things at your young age?”

Additionally, the question brings to my mind Marianne Williamson’s often shared quote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

And so I will continue to speak, teach and coach to people of all ages who will listen, about my experience, my truth and what I have to offer the world. Because if I shrink away from it, believing that I’m not old enough, accomplished enough or accredited enough, I’m not helping anyone. And in braving the potential critics or naysayers and doing it anyway, I just might make a huge difference in someone’s life.

Where are you shining your light? Where are you hiding it?

What Impact Are You Having?

February 5, 2014emilydownward

I’m laying on my back on the floor in a semi-darkened room. The sunlight is streaming through the window shining its rays above me, and I can see minute dust particles dancing in the space above me. I watch them swirl as I exhale and think about how they must also enter me as I inhale. I’m reminded of how everything is connected, and how at the elemental level, we (and everything else) are made up of energy.

We can’t see it, but we have an effect on our environment and the people around us, in subtle energetic ways.

When you become conscious of this, you can choose the effect you want to have. Are you adding to the negativity around you? Or are you making a positive impact, shining light wherever you go?

Clean Getaway

January 29, 2014emilydownward

I wrote last week about signs that it’s time to quit your job. However, I strongly believe and encourage my clients to get clean about their job before leaving, if possible. What do I mean by clean? Cleaning up your thoughts, taking responsibility for your part of the relationship, and making peace with it all.

[Caveat: I’m talking in generalizations. Obviously, there are some instances and environments when you need to get out NOW. Take care of yourself and do what is best for you.]

1. Cleaning up your thoughts

I believe our thoughts have incredible power. They also influence our feelings, so if you are feeling something you don’t enjoy (like sadness, frustration, fear or anger), examining your thoughts is critical to help you identify WHY you are feeling that emotion. By identifying your thoughts about the job you want to leave and examining them to understand the story you are telling yourself about the circumstance, you can more objectively make decisions that are based on what’s best for you, and not just making choices because of the story your brain is concocting.

When I work with my clients, I help them identify the thoughts that are causing them pain. There are several resources that can help you with your thoughts; one of my favorites is Byron Katie.

2. Taking responsibility

Another lesson from Byron Katie is the concept of business, as in, “Who’s business are you in?” Katie classifies three kinds of business: your business, other people’s business, and God’s business. Your business includes how you think and feel about things. Other people’s business is how they think and feel, including how they think and feel about you. You have no control over that, which you may know if you’ve ever had an experience where you did everything “right” and they still didn’t like you. Finally, God’s business encompasses natural disasters, weather and other big things we have no control over.

When you stay focused on your business, life gets a lot more simple. By taking responsibility for how you feel, you take back your power and also let others off the hook of making you happy.

3. Making peace

Peace is two-fold: it’s best to leave a job in a professional manner (think about the Golden Rule), and keep your mind focused on the positive. That may sound counter-intuitive…after all, you’re leaving the job. But by focusing on the positive – what you learned (either skills, or learned about yourself), the people you connected with, the experience you gained – helps your brain continue to look for what’s positive in your life. Our brains are naturally wired to look for the negative, to keep us out of danger, so shifting your brain to focus on the positive takes diligence and practice. It has immense benefits, as I recently wrote about. Recognize that this job, for the length of time you were in it, played some role for you. If nothing else, it helped you get to the place where you are now.

Leaving a job cleanly not only makes for a smoother transition for you and the company, it also puts you in a better position to begin something new without dragging the old habits, negative thoughts and patterns with you.

7 Signs that It’s Time to Change Jobs

January 23, 2014emilydownward

When I started my career, I had the belief (instilled by my parents and what worked in their generation) that you stay with a company for the long-haul. Of course, that has changed dramatically, and hiring managers don’t negatively view a resume with multiple companies. (However, it’s still a bit suspicious if someone only stays at a place for a year or less.)

Our human propensity for homeostasis and fear of the unknown can keep us stuck, perhaps staying too long in a no-win situation. Here are 7 symptoms that indicate you may need to shift something at work:

You dread going into work. Sunday night panic attacks, Monday morning queasiness, and your shoulders tied in knots are regular occurrences. This is more than the mild letdown after a great weekend or vacation. I’m talking about that sick-to-your-stomach feeling, thoughts of “I don’t know how much longer I can do this” and debating whether to call in sick for your mental health.
You look around and realize you don’t respect or want to emulate any of your superiors. ‘Nuff said.
You are asked to do things against your own moral or ethical values. When you go against your own values, you disrespect yourself and your self-esteem suffers.
You’re not given the resources (time, staff, equipment, other) to do your job well. Despite multiple attempts on your part to make things better (including asking for help and more resources), your efforts are thwarted and/or you get no support.
You aren’t learning anything new or given new challenges to develop your skill set. We want to evolve in life, and part of living is learning. If you’ve stopped learning and being challenged, it’s time to look elsewhere for growth.
Your boss is sadistic. Life is too short, and you deserve to be treated fairly. Abusive relationships, whether in your personal life or professional life, are unacceptable. Save yourself by getting out.
You’re consistently overlooked and underappreciated. If you are achieving your goals and meeting your responsibilities and don’t get recognition for your accomplishments consistently – and by consistently, I don’t mean just once – you may want to look for a more supportive environment. Recognition can come in many forms, including salary, bonuses, verbal praise, company publicity, promotions, etc.

If you are experiencing one or more of the above, (or if you’re Googling “how to know when to quit your job”) you may be a prime candidate for a job change. However, I encourage you to end your job on a clean note: don’t burn any bridges. I’ll write more next week about ending cleanly. Until then, you may want to check out my free Remedy for Mondayitis to create an empowered mindset to take into your work week.

Take Charge of Your Thoughts

January 15, 2014emilydownward

Our brains can be one of our biggest assets in helping us achieve amazing feats and seemingly impossible goals…or they can be our biggest liability in keeping us small, low and stuck.

I’m not sure when I became more aware of my thoughts, but it’s been a huge revelation for me in changing my life and shifting from days where I was barraged with depression, loneliness, anxiety and overwhelm to days with more peace, happiness and contentment. I certainly don’t feel like I’ve reached nirvana: I still have some days when I forget that I can choose my thoughts, and I slide down the tunnel, following the spiraling train of negative crap that my inner voice knows how to do so well. But I’m getting much better at catching it and stopping it.

The brain always searches for evidence to prove our thoughts true. So if you’re in a rut of thinking “I can’t handle this” or “My life is out of control,” your brain will look for examples of how that is true. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more evidence your brain finds, the stronger that thought becomes in your mind.

Learning to become aware of your thoughts can be a process. Even now, I often ask for assistance from a fellow coach to help me see what I’m not seeing. It may be easier to start with how you’re feeling. Identifying what emotions are coming up for you can help you identify the thoughts driving those emotions. For example, “I can’t handle this” may bring up feelings of panic, anger, fear, and/or overwhelm. Shifting the thought to a question “how could I best handle this?” or even dissecting the issue and moving to “I can handle this piece right now” puts you more in a state of control and will shift your emotions to curiosity and confidence.

You are so much more than your thoughts. Remember to choose the thoughts that serve you in doing your best work, living your best life.

Finding Your Focus for 2014

January 8, 2014emilydownward

I like the opportunity of a new year. It is ripe for fresh starts, and the turn of the calendar reminds me of a clean slate to begin anew.

Perhaps it’s because I work in the self-help arena, but I have been bombarded with marketing messages to join new programs that promise to fix me. It’s exhausting and overwhelming. It could be overwhelming because of where I am in my life…I’m dreaming and scheming about what I want my Next to look and feel like.

Often, when I am searching for answers to those big life questions like “What do I do now?” or “What am I supposed to be?” I find myself signing up for classes, buying lots of books and consulting the Experts. I’ve done my share of that in the past few months, diving in and learning a lot. But interestingly, the answers to the questions I’m asking can’t come from outside of me. They have to come from inside.

So as I begin this new year, I find myself simplifying more. I have chosen to focus on a few key areas to learn more about that will help me personally and help me be a better coach. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed, I remind myself of my focus and purpose for this year and question if the thoughts or activities I’m considering are in service with that purpose. If they’re not, I drop them and consciously choose to direct my thoughts and actions towards my purpose again. It’s only the second week, but I already feel clearer by doing this.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed already by all the demands on your time, all the goals you want to accomplish, and all the dreams you want to create in your reality, I invite you to simplify with me. Choose one or two ideas, concepts or activities you want to focus on. You can do this mentally, as I am, being aware of your thoughts and feelings and directing them back on track when needed. Or, you can write yourself reminders, posting a word or phrase in a place you will see it daily, like the bathroom mirror, your computer monitor or the refrigerator.

Wishing you a blessed and enlightening 2014.

Changing Habits

December 4, 2013emilydownward

Sometimes we make changes to our habits because we have to: we are faced with something so big that it’s obvious that we cannot continue to do things the way we’ve always done them. I’ve seen people make huge changes when faced with a serious diagnosis, an impending new addition to the family, or a change in employment.

Other times, we get the idea to make changes all on our own. We may decide to be healthier by eating better or exercising. We start a meditation practice or begin consciously using more positive thinking. We begin to see or feel a difference and gain some momentum with the new way of doing things.

And then, life turns up the heat. Stress escalates, as it sometimes does, and our default is to go back to our old programming – what we “know,” what feels comfortable. We eat the junk food or “comfort food” that we believe we deserve. We scrap the exercise or meditation because we are overwhelmed with the stress at hand.

It’s ironic that it is exactly these times of great stress when we need those healthy behaviors most of all.

Take, for example, the adage that we should drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. It feels good to be well hydrated. Our bodies and brains work better. Drinking adequate amounts of water helps with satiety, keeps our kidneys happy and helps flush out all sorts of things from our system. If you get a viral infection, like the common cold, what’s the number one advice? “Drink plenty of liquids.” Even though I KNOW that’s the advice, I always appreciate the reminder because I’m so focused on my stuffy nose or headache that I forget to do the basics.

This year, I had some massive stress, like a tsunami ran through my life. For a short while, I considered going back to my old ways. Fortunately, I listened to my body, which was all kinds of tense and anxious when considering that. I also had my amazing support team to help me keep focused on what’s best for me.

What serves us better is to keep on with our new, improved behaviors, even if they feel uncomfortable or if you doubt they will work or make a difference. Even if you doubt it – you KNOW the old ways don’t work. You’ve already proved that to yourself. Stick with the new ways, and give them a chance to create something new in your life. (I’m here to tell you…it’s working for me!)

I’m not Fine (And You Might Not Be Either)

September 25, 2013emilydownward

“Hi! How are you?”

“I’m fine. And you?”

“Fine. Nice seeing you!”

How many times do we have this type of conversation with people in our lives? It is appallingly shallow and so common and pervasive that it seems normal. But does that make it right? I recently learned this quote from Thomas Payne: “A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.”

As I’m going through a major transformation in my life – it makes every earlier transition period in my life seem inconsequential – I am finding I have no energy for the superficial. I have become much more protective of what I spend my time and energy on, as it is critical for me at this time. I hope I can keep this clarity and conviction to maintain healthy boundaries and doing what is right for me (not at the expense or detriment of anyone else), as it feels like I am honoring my soul or my essential self more than ever before.

I’m reading the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser, “how difficult times can help us grow.” In the first section, she talks about her years of study and experience in personal growth, both individually and as co-founder of the Omega Institute. She refers to the Sufi poet Rumi’s idea of the Open Secret – that each of us hides from others that we are human, that we stumble and fall, that we are afraid and grieve what we’ve lost, dreams and people. When we hide it all from others, they go away and think, “How does she do it all? How come she has it all together? What’s wrong with me?” The irony is that we are all hiding the same secret, making it not such a secret after all. And when you can open the door on your secret, you make it safe for another to open, too.

As my heart is broken open and seemingly bleeding all over the place, I can’t hold it in, so I’m not trying. When I encounter a dear friend or sister or even my caring dental hygienist yesterday who asks, “How are you?” I may begin to tear up or cry. Because truly, that’s often how I am right now: sad, broken-hearted. Most people have been loving and supportive and offer what words or gestures they can of consoling and hope. But others are so uncomfortable. I am not attached to their reaction, which is new for me, but perhaps it’s because I have enough to take care of myself right now. I find it fascinating that MY willingness to share my emotions and feelings makes THEM uncomfortable.

How much life do we waste not truly connecting with others?

Granted, huge caveat here, you need to be careful whom you choose to be vulnerable with. I have learned through trial and error that some people cannot be trusted and may hurt you. I’m choosing to see that as a learning for me, to be more discerning in the future, but not to shut down. Because shutting your heart off, to protect yourself from the pain, also shuts you off from true connection and deep love. And that’s not a bargain I’m willing to make.

And the gifts from being open, from admitting your humanness, are amazing. To be truly seen and acknowledged, just as I am, gives more freedom and security than I’ve ever felt. Freedom to just be, just as I am, and security knowing that even in my broken humanness, I am accepted and loved. I am not alone. And that gives me strength to keep going.

Let Go

September 5, 2013emilydownward

This quote came to mind for me today, as I’m consistently and repeatedly being asked to let go:

Some of the things I’m being asked to let go of are easier than others. For example, letting go of a career a couple years ago that never really felt like it was a good fit was exhilarating. And it was also scary, as I contemplated the unknown and began life as an entrepreneur. Sometimes we hold onto things that are familiar even if we know they aren’t a good fit for us because we’re afraid of the unknown. “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” goes the saying, but I never liked that way of thinking. It only gives two options, and both aren’t that attractive. What about heaven? And by heaven, I mean joy, bliss, contentment, excitement? Why would I stay in a situation that I KNOW doesn’t work for me rather than take a chance that a new situation will REALLY work for me?

And then it seems that taking that leap of faith opened up the door to other leaps of faith, and some of them haven’t been so easy to accept. The song from Les Miserables comes to mind: “I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I’m living. So different now than what it seemed…now life has killed the dream I dreamed.” Sometimes it’s not so easy to let go of our original dream of how we thought it would be.

So you have a choice: you can choose to stay in the hell that Fontine captures so eloquently in her song, or you can choose to let go of the dream. And letting go isn’t easy. If your journey is anything like mine, it includes grief and fear and frustration, which all must be felt and allowed to flow through your body. And when it seems that the dark night will never end, you come to a place of acceptance of what is the reality, at least for now, and it opens you up to new possibilities, new dreams, and magic. For I don’t believe we were given our human life to suffer, but rather to find our way back to peace and happiness again and again.