journey – Emily Downward

Hurry Up, Already!

October 3, 2012emilydownward

I don’t know about you, but I am, at times, very impatient. Take, for instance, the Internet. When I click on something, I want (expect) it to immediately appear. Don’t make me wait, Internet. Give me what I want when I want it.

This impatience extends to other areas of my life, too. I get an idea for a new program, I want to make it happen. I have an idea for what I want in my life – whether that’s a relationship or attaining a particular weight or reaching a certain level of fitness – and I want to have it NOW. I don’t want a long “process of becoming,” thank you very much. I want to be there already!

Naturally, this leads to much frustration, as very little in life comes to us instantaneously. (Sometimes the Internet obliges. I appreciate that tremendously…actually, I end up taking it for granted and then expecting it all the time so when it doesn’t instantaneously work, I curse it.)

Of course, I know that “it’s the journey, not the destination.” I’ve read Tolle’s The Power of Now and know that all we have is the present moment. I endeavor to stay present, in the Now, and appreciate what is. I light candles and incense and ring my meditation bell and try to channel my inner peace.

But sometimes, you just have to scream. Rage in frustration. Feel the icky feelings. Because pushing them away doesn’t work – what we resist persists – the only way out is through. As Winston Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

No, it’s not pretty. But it is survivable. And once you get through the muck, it’s like the calm after a storm. In the calm, you can explore what these feelings are trying to tell you. Your feelings are part of your guidance system. To ignore them or not leverage them is like navigating without instruments. So I ask myself, “What is my anger/frustration/fear trying to tell me?” To me, it’s a bit like a game of Hot-and-Cold. More of this, less of that, steering me closer and closer to what’s right for me.

I’m sure I will still get impatient, still want things to happen already, still wish I was “there,” wherever there may be. I also know that I don’t know everything, and that there is a reason – even if I can’t figure it out – for why I’m where I am right now. When I look back on how I achieved other goals, I can see the reason and the value of the process. And I honestly don’t know if I’d appreciate things as much if they came instantaneously.

Except the Internet. Please continue to work instantaneously. Thanks.

It’s the Journey

June 20, 2012emilydownward

Our culture is very goal-oriented. It’s difficult to avoid this mindset, and although I remind myself to enjoy the journey, remind myself it’s not about the destination, I still fall into the usual, accepted way of measuring myself by my accomplishments.

This past weekend, I was participating in my 7^th sprint triathlon. Last year was the first year I did 2 in one year; I usually do one annually. I know how to train for them by now, and while I’m not the fastest by a long shot, I give myself a personal goal of trying to best my previous year’s time. Some years, I just beat my time by a few minutes. I am proud to finish and proud to know I got a little better. Growing up, I was never an athlete, and I get a kick out of knowing and calling myself a triathlete now. They also remind me that I can do things I think I can’t.

Sunday morning, the day of the race…I’m feeling good, well-prepared, ready to go. The swim went well, and I found a steady rhythm. I completed the swim in my best time yet, and I headed out on the 14-mile bike course. This course is close to where I live, and I’ve been training on it at least weekly. As the miles pass by, I’m happy with my time and feeling good. I pass mile 8 and then Bam! I hit something and my back tire is flat. I pull over and one of the volunteers who is helping direct traffic helps me patch and reinflate the inner tube. At this point, I’ve lost at least 15 minutes. I’m off again, but within a few yards the tire is flat again. I try one more time to reinflate it, but it doesn’t work. I finally realize I’m going to have to accept that I can’t finish the race and start to walk my bike back.

My thoughts were swirling. The word “forfeit” tasted bitter in my mouth. It sounded like quitting. I don’t want to be a quitter! But of course, there was nothing I could do. I didn’t fail; my equipment failed. I did chastise myself for not having another inner tube or not being able to fix it better. (I learned later that whatever I hit had torn through the rubber tire, too. There was no way I could have fixed it at that point.) And of course, I thought, “Why is this happening to me?”

As I walked along – slowly, as bike shoes aren’t meant for walking – I watched all the other cyclists pass me. Soon, it seemed I was the only one left on the course, so I walked in silence. I noticed the beautiful corn field beside me and noticed and was grateful for the cloud cover above. I was trying to focus on the positive as much as possible, and I was also grateful that I wasn’t physically hurt. I wish I could tell you I was completely peaceful and serene, but I still had some processing to do. I cried a bit when the police officer came and picked me up to drive me back, and I got choked up admitting to the race director that I had to forfeit.

Even when we are completely prepared for something, when we’ve done all we can do, there’s still so much that is out of our control. I realized the other day (many days before the triathlon) that life gives you a series of lessons to teach you you’re really not in control. And then, it’s as if life asks you, how are you going to respond? What are you going to do now? That’s where our control comes in, in our response.

When is Enough Enough?

September 13, 2011emilydownward

“Our obsession with attaining prevents us from finding contentment. We strive to attain wealth and status and possessions, but there is no end to that desire to attain. It never ends. We’re never content. And so we strive for more, and never find enough. This has led to huge waste, huge inequalities, bad health, and a culture where we look out for ourselves and not for each other.”

– Leo Babauta, author of Zen Habits in an interview

Ooh, this totally resonates with me. I’m always looking towards the next horizon, the next goal, the next race. I like projects, especially completing them, but immediately upon finishing something, I’m on to the next project.

For some things, I find it very beneficial to have goals. After completing my first triathlon, I signed up for the following year. But then I moved to NYC and skipped a year. I realized that making that commitment to do the triathlon in June kept me motivated to exercise, especially for the six months prior to the event. The year I skipped…well, that’s when that fat pic was taken of me! So I’ve done it every year since, and even added a couple additional events this year.

Working with my own life coach this year, we talked prior to my annual triathlon. I told her how my goal each year is to beat my previous time, and this year I trained harder than ever before. I got discouraged when I got sidelined for a bit by viruses, a minor bike crash and work travel. I told her I was frustrated that I wasn’t doing enough training. She deftly asked, “What is ‘enough?'” By setting a goal for myself that was undefined, I would never reach it. She wisely reminded me, it’s the JOURNEY, not the destination, and encouraged me to remember why I do this — to keep myself motivated throughout the year, not just that one day.

And I’m trying to enjoy the in-between times, too. Instead of signing up for another event this fall, I’ve decided to still keep up my training (although not at such an intense level) but also add yoga and meditation time. Time to Just Be. And while I still struggle with my inner over-achiever, I’ve also learned to really enjoy the pleasures of taking time to sit by the river, take a nap, or enjoy long lunches with friends. My hope is that you can find and take some time out for yourself today, too.