There are times when life throws you a curve ball. You’re going along, everything’s going great, and suddenly Wham! You get the wind knocked out of you with something that totally throws you for a loop. It could be a layoff, a death in the family, a break up, a diagnosis. Or sometimes it’s an opportunity, a promotion, a new relationship, the birth of a child. These are all catalytic events, and they throw you into what we Martha Beck coaches call Square One, where the way you defined yourself before no longer works now. It causes an internal identity crisis (the motto for Square One is “I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s okay.”), and we go through this many times in our lives. It’s not exactly pleasant, but it is survivable.
I’ve been going through some of my own Square One stuff in my life lately, and I thought it might be helpful to share a few things that help me survive the chaos.
1. Don’t make any major decisions or life changes. Wait a bit, until things settle — and they will settle. Square One doesn’t last forever, if you allow yourself to work through the emotions, which leads to…
2. Allow your emotions space to be. I’ve written before (and it’s still true) that I don’t always (ever?) find it easy to allow my emotions to be present, particularly those which feel unpleasant to me, like anger or sadness. But emotions are “energy in motion,” and as Jill Bolte Taylor describes in her book My Stroke of Insight, if we allow them to flow through our system, they course through our body in 90 seconds. It’s when we stuff them and resist them that they linger. 90 seconds seems doable to me, and I have found that it’s true: I feel better and get through the muck faster when I can allow these emotions space. (Note: it took me quite a bit of coaching and personal work to get reconnected to my emotions after stuffing and numbing them for years. I highly recommend getting help if you are feeling stuck in this area.)
3. Question everything. With your new perspective on how things are in your life now, you may realize that the assumptions you had before no longer apply. Take this opportunity to question your assumptions and create better thoughts and beliefs that work for you. For instance, when I got divorced, I came smack up against the idea I’d always held in my mind that divorced people didn’t really try hard enough to make it work. I hadn’t realized I had this judgment in my head, until of course I was in that situation myself. That judging thought made me feel awful about myself, and so I revised that belief. Coaching has given me great tools to identify and change my thoughts, and I believe it’s the ability to choose our thoughts that brings us the most internal peace and happiness.
4. Give yourself permission to ask for help. I’m fiercely independent and often have the can-do-it-myself attitude that is often demonstrated by young children. But when things get messy, when everything feels like it’s falling apart, it feels so good to know I’m not alone and that there is help out there. We aren’t meant to be solitary beings — the human experience is all about interconnectedness and relationships. Find someone who can give you some support and help you through your Square One mess.
5. Focus on gratitude. While it may seem counter intuitive when things are crappy, focusing on what you have instead of what you don’t will help shift your energy to a more positive place. You also may notice some really good things that come out of a Square One identity crisis. Perhaps in some ways you were ready to shed that old identity, and the catalytic event was a blessing in a strange way. Find the good things, even if they’re small, to be grateful for.
And as it’s Thanksgiving week here in the U.S., I am so very grateful for you, my readers and my clients, and for being able to serve as a life coach in this world. Wishing you all a good week and hoping you have some quiet time to reflect on your gratitude list.
