frustration – Emily Downward

Why is This Happening Again?

February 26, 2014emilydownward

Have you ever had one of those days where you ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me again?!?!?”

I had one of those recently. Frankly, I was pissed. I know I have changed so much about how I deal with things, and it’s beyond annoying to have the same results show up. It could be seen as evidence that all the positive changes I’ve made don’t amount to anything. I know our brains always look for evidence to prove our beliefs correct, and it seems that my brain is STILL focused on those old beliefs, even though I’ve done so much to change my thinking to work for me and for my goals. I know I’m still focused on what I don’t want because my thoughts went something like, “I’m so tired of this! It’s not FAIR! I don’t deserve this!” and I felt like shouting, screaming or crying – or some combination of all three. And then there’s the additional judgment about this thought-storm in my mind: “This is NOT very evolved, mature, or a good example of how a life coach ‘should’ be.”

I recently read a great article by a coach I love from a deliberate creation perspective. Jeannette wrote that those circumstances where it looks like nothing has changed is an echo of what we used to get. Her writing really resonated with me, as she gave the metaphor of how Facebook will ask “Are you sure you really want to do that?” and requiring a Yes or No from us before taking the action we initiated.

Or, as Martha Beck puts it, “Our external circumstances don’t change our feeling states. Our feeling states change our external circumstances.” Martha teaches we have to change our internal feelings first, and that shifting our feelings affects the external circumstances. We often want things because of how we think they will make us feel: for example, “once I get that promotion, then I’ll feel confident and empowered.” Unfortunately, that’s just not the way it works. We have to feel confident and empowered (or whatever your desired state is) FIRST. I’ve seen this happen in my own life and in my clients’ lives. Once the shift is made, the circumstances come about so quickly.

But in the moment of frustration, when I’m raging against what is happening, that this is NOT what I want, it’s so tempting to go back to old patterns of thinking and coping. At least this time, I recognized exactly what was happening and I was aware of what I was thinking and feeling. This is crucial – as I tell my clients all the time, awareness seems so obvious once we have it, but it’s a HUGE first step towards changing things. In that moment, I could see how I could easily think the things I’ve always thought, and do the same things that I used to do to comfort myself. BUT I also know that doing things the same way will keep me in the same, or similar, circumstances. And that’s not where I’m going. I’m choosing a new road. And the answer to “why am I still getting this situation?” is just because I need practice. I haven’t quite mastered this lesson yet.

When do YOU say “enough is enough; what I’m doing isn’t working. I’m willing to try something else”? Are you ready to try something new?

Getting Through the Muck

July 17, 2013emilydownward

A coach friend called me recently to catch up. She is near and dear to me, but we hadn’t spoken in about four weeks. The last four weeks have been quite a rollercoaster for me, and I’ve gotten so used to riding along, it wasn’t until I heard her response that I realized it’s true: I’ve had a lot going on. A lot of chaos and unknown and just crappy stuff.

I’m in the midst of a cross-country move, going from the Charlotte, NC area to just north of San Diego, CA. My boyfriend received a well-deserved promotion, and we both were thrilled with the opportunity to live in the San Diego area. Being a corporate relocation, the move is being coordinated by my boyfriend’s company. I was grateful, having moved from Austin to Charlotte earlier this year and not completely looking forward to doing it again. Unfortunately, every single step of this process has gone badly, including lack of communication and miscommunication with the coordinator, the poor skills and sloppiness of the packers, multiple delays of the movers, careless handling of our stuff by the movers (they dropped at least three boxes that I saw), the damage to our vehicles by the shippers, and difficulty in obtaining permanent housing due to the shortage of available properties where we want to live. We’ve been put in a temporary apartment for the past month – it’s incredibly small, especially considering we are both working from home, and the traffic noise from the nearby busy street keeps us awake. (I’m happy to report that we finally get into a permanent place next week!)

My hip has been paining me for several months, slowly getting more painful and less flexible. I’ve gone from a triathlon last year to using crutches and a cane to get around. It significantly worsened (pain and inability to walk) while we were moving out of our place in the Charlotte area. I figured I had overdone it and with rest it would get better…but it hasn’t. Before the move, I saw an orthopedic surgeon who said I needed surgery, but I purposefully delayed it until we are settled in our new place. I’ve now seen an orthopedic surgeon in California who recommends a cortisone shot. I’m holding tightly to the belief that this will fix it.

I supplement my coaching income with some consulting work, and the company I’ve been working for has recently changed the terms of our arrangement. While I know that they want to continue to work with me (yes!), my future income is less predictable.

Suffice it to say, I have a LOT of uncertainty in my life. It’s very disconcerting and frightening and scary. So much unknown.

I realized that in some ways, I’ve gotten used to the chaos. I’ve been able to switch between eagle view – taking the big picture, and knowing that this will pass and will someday seem like a very small time frame – and mouse view – focusing solely on what is directly in front of me. It’s not necessarily one day at a time but sometimes just one step, literally. It’s what I learned to get myself through the triathlon: when I looked far in the distance and was overwhelmed by the hill I was biking or the distance I had to run, I put my head down and just looked two feet in front of me. I asked myself, can you go that far (2 feet)? Well, yes, of course. It’s so easy. And then repeat. Breaking down any large project into tiny, infinitesimal steps makes it nearly easy to achieve, and therefore more likely to lead to progress, rather than being paralyzed by overwhelm.

I read a great blog post recently by Danielle LaPorte on how validating your pain is the first step to getting stronger. It’s so true. It was so nice to hear my friend validate that I’ve got a lot going on. I’ve been trying desperately not to focus on all the negativity and frustration and pain I’m experiencing, but ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. “What we resist, persists.” So I’m putting it all out here, to give you the permission to share your own pain, and to give hope to others who are struggling through their own desert of uncertainty. Find support for your struggle, and then press on, one step at a time, and know that this too shall pass.

Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

September 12, 2012emilydownward

As I write this week’s blog post, I’m sitting in an airport. I’m freezing, and I’m so cold I’m actually considering putting on all the clothes in my suitcase. I’ve had a job assignment the past couple days that has kept me on my feet for hours at a time. While I wore comfortable shoes, the long amounts of standing triggered the scoliosis in my back, and my lower back and right hip are painful. Sometimes I can ignore it, but the pain is at the point at which it will not be ignored any longer. The scoliosis (curvature of the spine) usually acts up during PMS each month, and oh, yeah, I might be experiencing that fun, too.* I’m tired – having spent a couple nights in a noisy hotel, just down the street from a busy firehouse and across the street from an active, early-starting construction crew – and being sleep deprived never helps anything.

All of this “background” helps explain (at least to me) why I’m having such difficulty writing a decent blog post this week. Usually, writing for the blog comes easy to me, and I find it enjoyable. But today, I’ve gone through three different topics, none of which turned into anything worth sharing, and the last one, which I thought maybe was good enough, disappeared when I unexpectedly and inexplicably lost my Internet connection. (F*&K! Saving ridiculously often now.)

So I realized all of this Uncomfortableness is actually a pretty decent topic. My mentor, Martha Beck, talks about the Cycle of Change in her book Finding Your Own North Star. In it, she describes four squares we go through during any major change in our life. Square 1 is known as “Death and Rebirth,” and this is the stage at which we feel the most confusion (“I don’t know what the hell is going on”) as the way we had defined ourselves has changed, and we haven’t yet figured out who we are without the old role or title. Square 2, “Dreaming & Scheming,” is when we begin to create concepts of a new future, and Square 3, “the Hero’s Saga,” is where we test out those schemes and figure out what really works for us. Square 4 is “the Promised Land,” where things smooth out, but the mantra is “Everything’s changing, and that’s okay” because everything always does change. I love sharing the Cycle of Change with my clients because it provides people with a sense of understanding and community (“Oh, so that’s what’s happening to me! And everyone feels this at some point”) and also a sense of hope (Square 2 and 4 are the most-looked-forward to).

Martha’s been saying lately that with the rapid pace of change in our world, we are pretty much in Square 1 nearly all the time. (So much for my hope idea.) So to survive, to not drive ourselves insane, we have to get more comfortable with being a little uncomfortable. We have to learn to roll with the punches, surf the chaotic waters, and maintain our equilibrium.

How do we do this? By going within. Peace cannot be found outside of ourselves; it must be found within. And when there is peace within, then we can take that peace out into the world.

As I play out the role of airport hobo today and stop fighting the Uncomfortableness, I let myself sink into feeling grumpy, tired and in pain, and I actually find a little relief. I don’t have to be anything more than what I am in this moment, and there’s some peace in that. Struggling against it all, wishing it wasn’t happening or thinking it should be better just prolongs the suffering. Accepting the present moment, just as it is, not trying to MAKE it be better than it is, actually feels better.

Or maybe the ibuprofen I took is finally kicking in. Peace out!

* If you want (or need) a really funny (and accurate) Life Coach’s Guide to PMS, go visit Bridgette Boudreau’s site. Hilarious and some great advice for getting through it!

Ebb and Flow

June 11, 2012emilydownward

“Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.” ~ Bertolt Brecht, German poet

Last week, I took a day off work to join my sister and a handful of kids to celebrate my nephew’s birthday at Schlitterbahn, an award-winning water park in New Braunfels, Texas. I hadn’t been to Schlitterbahn since I was a teenager, and I was excited to get to experience it again, especially with the kids’ enthusiasm and sense of wonder and adventure.

Most of the rides require you to be in an inner tube. Some are lazily slow-moving rides and others mimic mild rapids, with twists and turns and spins that elicit whoops and cries of glee. The rapids also create vortexes, little areas of whirlpools that cause you to stay in one place while you watch the other riders pass you by. I helped one boy in our party who kept slipping into these vortexes. “I’m stuck! I’m stuck!” he cried as I was coming by, and I would reach out with a hand to pull him along or bump him out with my inner tube. Sometimes, bumping him out would free him but put me in the stuck spot, and other times, I found the vortexes all on my own. It is a frustrating place to be, and given that you’re stuck in the tube with minimal access to your limbs to help you, it’s difficult to get out on your own.

The experience at the park was such an obvious metaphor for me; I couldn’t help but think of the vortexes and stuck places we experience in life outside the water park. When I found myself stuck and not moving forward, I could struggle and tense my muscles, kick off from the side or paddle with my arms, or…I could relax, and enjoy being in the water on a beautiful day, remembering that eventually, someone else would come along to bump me out and that the water would carry me down to the end of the ride where I would meet up with my friends again.

I’d like to say I took the Zen approach more often than the Workaholic approach, but my sore muscles the next day were an obvious sign that that wasn’t the case! However, when I noticed my frustration and sense of mild panic — accompanied by thoughts of, “Everyone’s ahead of me! I need to catch up! Ah, I’m stuck!” — and in noticing, I could take a breath and calm myself, deliberately focusing on something else — like the fact that I’m floating along at water park and not working! — I enjoyed myself so much more. It made the whole ride more pleasurable, and after all, isn’t that what it’s about? Enjoyment.

Back on dry land, I’m looking for the parallels between the water park vortexes and the parts of my life that seem stuck: relationships not working the way I’d like, projects stalling or failing, not being able to reach the next level of fitness I aspire to… I’ve been trying to push my way through these, and to be honest, it hasn’t worked so well. While accepting that where I am is where I’m supposed to be isn’t as pleasurable as realizing I’m floating in cool water on a warm day, it does take the self-imposed pressure off. And maybe, for now, that’s enough. I’m not going to be in this place of stuckness forever. I will continue to work towards my goals, and I know I’ll eventually get there. Acceptance isn’t about giving up, it’s a state of allowing. Because whether I struggle against it or not, where I am is where I am. It feels a lot better to accept it rather than fighting against it.

What Energy Are You Bringing?

June 6, 2012emilydownward

"I've learned that people will forget what you say, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." ~ Maya Angelou — With my lovely niece Paige

In work (as in life), there are some people you enjoy being around and easily collaborate with. And then there are others…some who don’t inspire you but don’t annoy you, and some that really frustrate you and become the motivation for happy hour or the face you conjure up in kickboxing class. Unfortunately, you can’t change other people, so that leaves you. Even small changes in your own behavior and attitude can have ripple effects on others, even those really frustrating others.

Science is beginning to explain what the poet Maya Angelou said so eloquently: “People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” When brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor was recovering from a left-hemisphere stroke, she quickly realized the energy people brought with them into the room – everyone from family to healthcare workers – had a profound impact on her, especially since she was primarily using the right hemisphere of her brain, which focuses on the present moment and processes information intuitively. Dr. Taylor asked that everyone who entered her room be responsible for the energy they brought into it. (You can see Jill Bolte Taylor share her beautiful, heartfelt description of her stroke and the impact it had on her view of life in her TED Talk. It’s worth watching.)

Scientists have also discovered mirror neurons in our brains, which allow us to understand how others are feeling. Think of how your body reacts when you’re watching a scary or suspenseful movie, and how you may even jump physically when watching a surprise on screen. In one-on-one conversations, we affect each other on an energetic and emotional level, even if we’re not aware of it. If we approach someone with anger, they are more likely to respond in anger or defensively. And while we can’t change others energy, we can and have the responsibility of what energy we are bringing to a situation or encounter. If you remain in a state of peace and love, you are more likely to diffuse another’s anger. Being in that peaceful state also allows you to think more clearly and creatively. When we are in fight-or-flight mode, we don’t have access to the more creative, problem-solving portion of our brains.

I’ve found the quickest way to shift my energy is to take a few deep breaths (this relaxes your body and gets you out of fight-or-flight) and think of as many positive things about the person as you can. This changes your focus from what you dislike about them to what you do, even if it’s something your critical mind thinks is inconsequential, and helps you make a positive connection with them.

I’m not saying it’s always easy. Some people just know how to push our buttons, but the more you can stay centered and come with positive energy, the more successful the interaction will be.