emotions – Emily Downward

Living in the Moment

November 7, 2013emilydownward

In the past couple months, my whole life has been turned upside down. Some might say everything fell apart; it could be that it’s falling together. I have become very aware that none of it is in my control, other than how I choose to react to it. I’ve been utilizing my coaching skills and my family, friends and extended network of coaches and energy healers to lean on. I wanted to take this opportunity to deal with this crisis differently than I ever have before.

What that looks like was first, allowing myself to feel all my emotions. There were lots of tears. I also experimented with meditation using mantras, Trauma Releasing Exercises, and Emotional Freedom Technique. All were very helpful, particularly in the most intense times where I felt like I was drowning in the powerful emotions I was feeling. What I didn’t want to do was stuff the feelings. I know stuffing is only a temporary solution, at best, and the energy of those emotions gets channeled in other ways, often causing extreme distress on our bodies.

In the state of extreme emotion and grief, I found I couldn’t make very good decisions, if I could make decisions at all. This is unusual for me, as I’m generally very decisive, but it’s not unusual for grief. My mind still struggles with “figuring it all out.” My thoughts tell me I’ve “had enough time for this grieving sh*t, that it’s time to make moves and DO something.” When I listen to that voice and go through the motions of making plans, I get completely overwhelmed and indecisive. Basically, my heart isn’t ready. Even though my mind thinks it knows best, I’m listening to my heart this time.

Not being able to make big decisions (or even medium-sized ones), I had to take my vision from eagle view down to mouse view. At first, I could only plan day-to-day. I’m now up to week-to-week and moving up to a couple weeks at a time. The only focus for this time is to answer for myself, “What sounds good next?” It may sound too simple, but when you’re in extreme grief, keeping things simple is good. It’s the only thing you can do, really. And when thinking about the long-term decisions gets overwhelming, it’s been extremely comforting to me to bring my attention to the present moment, reminding myself that for today, I have what I need: food, shelter, loved ones, enough money. I have enough for now. This shifts me into a state of gratitude, rather than panic and worry, and it feels so much more peaceful, as well as a better state from which to create a life that I want.

The other critical factor for me during this time period has been reaching out for help. I generally consider myself as someone who is very independent and self-reliant, and I love helping others…I’m not so good at asking for and receiving help. A dear friend and mentor told me in times of grief, we tend to isolate ourselves, when in actuality, it’s the time when we need communities the most. So I have reached out, again and again, and I’ve been given so many gifts of love, friendship, support, from phone calls and emails to shared meals and warm beds to stay in. In losing what I thought was “the love of my life,” I’ve found SO much love in my life. In losing my home, I’m remembering what it’s like to come home to myself, in a soul sense.

I’m still on the journey, still figuring things out as I’m able to, but I can see light on the horizon. The sun is breaking through the clouds of this dark time, and I know that all is well.

What Now?

November 21, 2012emilydownward

There are times when life throws you a curve ball. You’re going along, everything’s going great, and suddenly Wham! You get the wind knocked out of you with something that totally throws you for a loop. It could be a layoff, a death in the family, a break up, a diagnosis. Or sometimes it’s an opportunity, a promotion, a new relationship, the birth of a child. These are all catalytic events, and they throw you into what we Martha Beck coaches call Square One, where the way you defined yourself before no longer works now. It causes an internal identity crisis (the motto for Square One is “I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s okay.”), and we go through this many times in our lives. It’s not exactly pleasant, but it is survivable.

I’ve been going through some of my own Square One stuff in my life lately, and I thought it might be helpful to share a few things that help me survive the chaos.

1. Don’t make any major decisions or life changes. Wait a bit, until things settle — and they will settle. Square One doesn’t last forever, if you allow yourself to work through the emotions, which leads to…

2. Allow your emotions space to be. I’ve written before (and it’s still true) that I don’t always (ever?) find it easy to allow my emotions to be present, particularly those which feel unpleasant to me, like anger or sadness. But emotions are “energy in motion,” and as Jill Bolte Taylor describes in her book My Stroke of Insight, if we allow them to flow through our system, they course through our body in 90 seconds. It’s when we stuff them and resist them that they linger. 90 seconds seems doable to me, and I have found that it’s true: I feel better and get through the muck faster when I can allow these emotions space. (Note: it took me quite a bit of coaching and personal work to get reconnected to my emotions after stuffing and numbing them for years. I highly recommend getting help if you are feeling stuck in this area.)

3. Question everything. With your new perspective on how things are in your life now, you may realize that the assumptions you had before no longer apply. Take this opportunity to question your assumptions and create better thoughts and beliefs that work for you. For instance, when I got divorced, I came smack up against the idea I’d always held in my mind that divorced people didn’t really try hard enough to make it work. I hadn’t realized I had this judgment in my head, until of course I was in that situation myself. That judging thought made me feel awful about myself, and so I revised that belief. Coaching has given me great tools to identify and change my thoughts, and I believe it’s the ability to choose our thoughts that brings us the most internal peace and happiness.

4. Give yourself permission to ask for help. I’m fiercely independent and often have the can-do-it-myself attitude that is often demonstrated by young children. But when things get messy, when everything feels like it’s falling apart, it feels so good to know I’m not alone and that there is help out there. We aren’t meant to be solitary beings — the human experience is all about interconnectedness and relationships. Find someone who can give you some support and help you through your Square One mess.

5. Focus on gratitude. While it may seem counter intuitive when things are crappy, focusing on what you have instead of what you don’t will help shift your energy to a more positive place. You also may notice some really good things that come out of a Square One identity crisis. Perhaps in some ways you were ready to shed that old identity, and the catalytic event was a blessing in a strange way. Find the good things, even if they’re small, to be grateful for.

And as it’s Thanksgiving week here in the U.S., I am so very grateful for you, my readers and my clients, and for being able to serve as a life coach in this world. Wishing you all a good week and hoping you have some quiet time to reflect on your gratitude list.

Embracing Anger

October 17, 2012emilydownward

Anger is a tricky emotion for me, not one I generally enjoy. For years, I pushed it away, buried it inside or just avoided it altogether. Of course, this doesn’t work. Stuffing any emotion causes a negative reaction in the body. I’ve heard “Emotion” defined as “energy in motion,” and when we dam it inside, stifle it, it’s similar to shaking up a soda can just before you open it. The energy builds up, ready to blow.
I still don’t enjoy all my emotions, like anger, but I’ve become a student of them. I see them as teachers, as feedback, trying to tell me something. Feeling them also allows them to pass, where stuffing them keeps them around for a lot longer.
If you – like me for many years – have a difficult time feeling your emotions, I highly recommend breathwork, yoga or a similar form of exercise. I was recently in a challenging yoga class and while trying to keep up with the instructor’s series of poses (and not doing too well), I suddenly was FILLED with anger. Anger at myself, anger at my current situation, even a little anger at the teacher for expecting too much of me. Fortunately, I was with a group of people I trust and can be vulnerable around. While still uncomfortable for me, I allowed the tears to come and sank into child’s pose to let it all out. I became the “watcher of my thoughts,” as Eckhart Tolle calls it, and noticed all the dirty-pain thoughts that were coming up. As I described in this video, our thoughts precede our feelings, so finding the thoughts provides me with the map to where to follow up with some coaching at a later time. In the moment, though, I just felt the anger.
Anger is often an emotion that spurs us to action. Anger can inspire someone to fight for justice, search for answers, or create a new solution to a problem. And what I’ve learned is letting them course through my body and truly feeling them allows me to get to a clearer state of mind where I can make decisions from a place of peace.
Wishing you a peace-filled week.