emily downward – Page 6 – Emily Downward

Putting It All Together

March 27, 2013emilydownward

I bought a new desk for my office, and it came in approximately 10,000 pieces. As I laid them all out on the floor and began to try to understand the directions and decipher which part resembled the diagram, I was reminded of a do-it-yourself mini robot kit I got one Christmas from an uncle. I was about 13 years old, and the box made it look interesting. Keep in mind, this was way before cell phones and touch screens and most electronic games. So the idea that I could build a robot that could either spin in circles clockwise or counterclockwise, or go straight if you engaged both wheels, and operate it with a remote control seemed pretty cool.

As I pulled out all the pieces and started looking at the enclosed directions, all I saw were Chinese characters that had no meaning for me. There were no English translations. However, I persevered and tried to match up the pieces as best I could using the drawings only. I was able to get it to work…sort of. The robot would go clockwise but not counterclockwise. Having only one wheel that worked, it definitely wouldn’t go straight. I also had an odd number of screws left over, and I was unsure whether they were intended extras or I had missed something. The novelty of directing the robot soon wore off, as it only spun in a circle one direction, and I was overwhelmed by the thought of deconstructing it and starting over.

Isn’t that just like life? Sometimes we want so badly to have directions, to learn exactly how we are supposed to find success, fulfillment and happiness. So we search for mentors, teachers, gurus. We watch how others find success and read self-help books. We take quizzes that promise to reveal that special something.

But the reality is that none of us came with directions. We all have to stumble through, trying to read the signs as best we can, making sense out of what we’ve been given. And sometimes we find that we are spinning in a circle, seemingly going nowhere. We have to take time to slow down, deconstruct what’s not working, chart a new course and make a plan to get us there.

For me, it makes it easier to enjoy the journey, knowing there is no one “right” way. And it helps to have wise mentors, teachers and coaches who can help me find my way back to my path when I feel like I’m lost.

Change in Scenery

March 20, 2013emilydownward

I’ve recently experienced a big transition: I’ve moved across country to be with my boyfriend. I’m an experienced mover: I moved seven times growing up, and this is my fifteenth move as an adult. I have learned a lot about moving, including how to pack well and the value of detachment from material items that can get broken, damaged or lost. Moving always provides me an opportunity to reflect on what’s working, what’s not, and what I want to change in my physical environment. I don’t usually do a complete redecoration, but I refine what I have around me to reflect who I am now.

My mentor Martha Beck teaches in coach training about the Living Space tool. It’s based on the research and experience of Thomas Moore, a former monk and clinical psychologist. Coming out of the monastery and its austere way of life, Moore realized the significance and value of what we choose to put in our living spaces. He believes that every choice we make in the material world reflects the condition of our inner lives.

In the Western world, we seem to accumulate and value material possessions. I have found it interesting to note what I have too much of: kitchen and bathroom items. Some have been gifts, and some I’ve brought in to my home. I obviously get some comfort from having all these things, even though I found many things that haven’t been used in years.

So as I’m choosing what to unpack and what to store away, I’ve also been finding myself questioning what’s working and what’s not working in my habits and activities. What do I want to keep, and what am I ready to let go of? I’m doing more of what serves me and serves my clients and less of those things that drain my energy and don’t provide a good return on investment.

The interesting thing about our environment: when we make a small change in the outside, it can have ripple effects on the inside, too. It’s known as the butterfly effect. Coming from chaos theory, the butterfly effect explains how a small change can have a huge impact on a later state, such as how a butterfly flapping its wings can shift the trajectory of a hurricane.

Try this experiment: Look at your physical space and find the area that bothers you the most. What’s one thing you can change about it, either by taking something away or adding something? This works at home and the office. The changes you make in your surroundings will have effects on your inner state as well.

Strength in Resting

March 13, 2013emilydownward

“The strength comes in the resting.”

It was such a simple statement by my personal trainer (aka my boyfriend) but also very profound.

He was remarking on my progress and complimenting me on sticking to my exercises to strengthen my hip, but he surprised me by telling me to take a day off – to not do anything threw me for a loop. My mind was momentarily puzzled. I had set my mind to do these exercises EVERY DAY and was convinced that if I didn’t do them every single day, I wouldn’t see the progress I wanted.

“The strength comes in the resting.”

Of course, muscle rebuilds during the resting periods. He reminded me of this, and I began to think of the other times when our strength comes during resting periods.

Like many people I know, I can get in a work-work-work mode to the point where I have difficulty switching gears and taking time out. If you’re like me, even when you get a chance to “rest,” your mind keeps up the 10,000-point To-Do list and keeps churning away on coming up with solutions for your challenges. This happens to me quite regularly, as my brain loves to run the program that I’m not doing enough. This thought can keep me very motivated and productive, but it can also drive me to the point of exhaustion and burnout. And I know, as you know, that we all need rest. I know that taking time to do things, like even 15 minutes for meditation, brings me so much additional energy and focus that I’m more productive for taking the break than if I just kept working.

Although this continues to be a struggle for me, what works best for me is to give myself permission for a specific period of time to rest, and to define what “enough” is. It may sound ridiculous, that I have to “give myself permission,” but what I mean by this is to combat the dictatorial voice in my head that tells me I have SO much more to do right now by returning to the thought (for example), “I’m going to sit here and meditate/read a book/play solitaire for the next 15 minutes.” Resting comes in different forms and in different durations depending on my schedule and what feels good in the moment.

Defining what “enough” is also varies based on my goal, energy level and time frame, but this has also been critical for me. By defining exactly what I feel comfortable with – rather than the elusive, undefined and therefore unachievable “enough” – I take back control over my inner dictator. I set the parameters, and I bring in the dictator to then execute it with precision.

I’d love to hear if you have additional techniques that work for you in switching out of work mode and into rest mode. And I wish you much peace and strength in your resting.

One Small Step at a Time

March 6, 2013emilydownward

I’m currently rehabilitating my right hip. Due to scoliosis and some other factors, it’s significantly weaker and has been causing me a lot of pain and making it difficult to walk. I’ve been doing a combination of therapies to relieve the pain and make it stronger, and after a couple of good days, I thought I’d join my boyfriend on a run around the lake. I was excited about getting out there and doing a run/walk, enjoying the nice weather and spending time together.

Unfortunately, I significantly overestimated my body’s current ability. I didn’t get very far at all before I began limping, and less than a mile into it, my leg started giving out completely. When this happens, I can usually catch myself with my other leg so I don’t fall down, but it’s very painful when it gives out. At this point in our “run,” I was hobbling. I decided to let my boyfriend run ahead without me while I turned back to SLOWLY make my way back to the car.

It was ridiculously slow. I had to stop and stretch several times, and I had to take very small steps to prevent my hip giving out. This gave me plenty of time to think, and my critical mind jumped in with a barrage of insults. “I CAN’T BELIEVE I can’t even run a mile! It was less than a year ago that I was doing my last triathlon and now I can barely walk! This is pathetic.”

I realized that although I want very much to be back at my triathlon training level, the reality is I’m not. I can either try to force my leg to do more than it can do (with the consequence of setting myself back and causing more pain), or I can take small steps, doing my physical therapy and allowing my body to rebuild the muscle strength at its own pace.

I am often impatient for things to be different, so this situation reminds me of many other times when I wished things were different NOW, whether it be at a job or in my personal life. I think the first step is recognizing where you are versus where you want to be, and the next challenge is to consistently take small steps towards your goal. It most often cannot be done all at once. Perhaps you want a new promotion. What are the steps to get there, other than talking to your boss or the decision makers about your intention? Notice what skills or expertise you need and determine ways to get that experience. Break down the progression into smaller steps, and keep your focus on executing those smaller steps flawlessly.

I also use coaching to quiet the critical voice inside my head. When I struggle against reality – what is true versus what I think it should be – I cause myself an incredible amount of stress and frustration. Accepting the reality doesn’t mean I give up on making improvements, though. It just means I have more peace in the moment. So I’ve traded the negative self-talk for encouraging thoughts: “Every day I do my exercises, I’m getting stronger.” And I’m taking purposeful, small steps – literally – towards my goal. (It’s working!)

“I’ll Be Happy When…”

February 20, 2013emilydownward

I have spent so much time looking ahead, looking forward to my next achievement. “I’ll be happy when I have ________” is what runs through my head. There are two problems with this way of thinking. One, I’m not in the present moment, grateful for and happy with what I have now (and all we have is Now). And two, when I get my fill-in-the-blank, I often find I’m not as happy as I thought I’d be.

At least I’m on to myself. I know I tend to do this future focusing. When I catch myself, I bring myself back to the present by breathing and focusing on my body. Then I find as many things as possible in my current reality that I’m grateful for. Sometimes, when you’re in a really sucky place, this could be a simple thing like the fact you’re still breathing or that the sun is shining. Anything that shifts you into a state of gratitude works!

The only reason we want things (or to achieve things) is because we want how we think it will make us feel. Ask yourself, “What will I feel when I get __________?”

As I work on growing my business, I’m in a pattern of trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and nearly succeeding, etc. There have been some successes (more things to be grateful for!), and I’m learning TONS along the way. I am still dedicated to my vision. I know in my heart I’m in the right job to best use my talents. Still, the failures and near misses are currently more prevalent than the successes. When I get discouraged, I remember the value in going back to the basics: What do I want, and what will I feel when I get that?

When I’ve identified what I want, I can go about breaking that goal into smaller steps and then taking those steps to get closer to the achievement. Equally important for me is the feeling state. When I know what feeling I’m looking to achieve, I can find ways to achieve that now, while I’m still taking steps towards my goal.

For example, one of the things I want to include in my coaching is to work with companies to help teams have more passion and joy in what they do, creating teams that work well together, and creating more success and efficiency for both the individual and the company. I have a clear vision of what it looks like, what type of people would hire me, and what kind of coaching tools I would use to help them learn more about themselves and connect with their passion and joy. When I ask what I will feel when I’m doing this, the answers include joy, fun, pride in my work, and a sense of fulfillment in helping others. How can I feel these things now? I get all of this out of coaching people, but I also can tap into those feeling states by reading the testimonials my clients have written about me or volunteering. I try to regularly tap into joy and fun, whether it’s sharing laughter with a friend (like the kind of laughter my youngest niece had when she recently told her sister, “You laughed a toot right out of me!”) or watching a cute video online.

Goals are important, and I believe in having a strong vision for where you want to go. But equally important is enjoying your Now. Find ways to be thankful for where you are and what you have in the present moment, and find ways to feel what you want to feel then now, because there’s no time like the present to start feeling better.

What Are You Waiting For?

February 13, 2013emilydownward

I was a senior in high school when the movie Dead Poets Society came out. In it, an unconventional English teacher, played by Robin Williams, inspires his students to seize the day. “Carpe Diem!” The Latin phrase became their rallying cry. I was moved by the movie and its message. What it meant to me was that we don’t know how long we have here on earth, our lives are meant to be fully lived, so take chances and go for your dreams.

I saw a great image on Facebook recently that said “The most dangerous risk of all – the risk of spending your life not doing what you want in the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later.” Are you waiting for that point in the future, when you have enough money, when you have that degree, when you feel confident, when you have the right partner, to follow your heart’s desire? Sometimes, there’s no time like the present. Here’s what you CAN do now:

Define what “enough” is. The portion of our brain that resembles a reptile (officially the reptilian brain) is lovingly referred to by Martha Beck coaches as the Lizard. It is responsible for thoughts of lack and attack. The lack ideas are plentiful (not enough money, not enough credentials, not enough food, not good enough). One way to keep them in check is defining what enough is for you. How much money in savings will make you feel comfortable? If you don’t define it, you’ll never reach the nebulous “enough.” Putting a structure to it gives you a clear goal.
Bring pieces of your Future into your Now. How can you incorporate elements of what you want into your life now? If you want to change careers and have identified what you want to do, consider what activities you can start doing now. This might include anything from reading books about your new area to joining online or local discussion groups to practicing your craft. Finding ways to bring your future state into your present state will give you some of that joy now and make your transition easier.
Take small steps. When people ask me about my career transition, it often seems like I suddenly took a huge leap. I did have to leap a bit, but behind the scenes were many small steps that made the actual leap less frightening. Break things down into small steps and take those small steps each day. Go between keeping your eye on the larger goal (eagle view) to focusing on what you can do today (mouse view) to get one step closer. While it may seem that your progress is slow, remember that those small steps add up. It is far better to take a small step than be overwhelmed and not making any forward progress.

In the movie, Robin Williams tells his students, “You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Don’t be resigned to that. Break out!”

Carpe Diem.

Managing Your Energy

January 31, 2013emilydownward

One of the biggest shifts I’ve made in the last couple years since my training to become a Martha Beck certified life coach has been my awareness of the energy I am bringing to any given situation. I always knew and believed the only thing we can really control is how we react, but I hadn’t always known what a huge impact I can have by managing my energy before going into a challenging situation.

To me, managing my energy has three parts: 1) understanding what brings me energy and what depletes my energy, 2) knowing how to get back to my centered, calm place, and 3) mastering how to maintain that calm even in chaotic or challenging situations.

There are some commonalities on what drains us and what replenishes us, but each of us has our individual preferences, too. For many people, spending time in nature and getting some form of exercise provides us with more energy. Work can be either draining or charging to us, depending on if you’re in the right field for you or in the right role. If you’re in a job that challenges you and allows you to use your strengths, your work can bring you satisfaction and increase your well-being. Conversely, if you’re trying to be something you’re not, finding yourself bored or overwhelmingly challenged, your work might be depleting and a consistent source of stress. Becoming aware of what tasks, roles, activities, people and situations feed you versus drain you is an important first step. If you haven’t explored this for yourself, I’d encourage you to create a list and add things to one of two columns of “Replenish” or “Deplete.”

I’ve written before about getting back to center after being knocked off balance. It’s a fact of life that there will be unforeseen turns in the road and hurdles to face. If you’ve done the first step in identifying what fuels you, you can use that information to help get you back on track, as well as adding activities like meditation and quiet time to help you get calm and reconnected to your soul.

Last but not least is maintaining your positive energy in situations that trigger you. I work with many clients on this and the techniques and tools that work are as individual as each of us. But the benefits are amazing. When you can stay in a place of peace and possibility, knowing that you are okay and that whatever happens will be okay, it’s just magical what can happen. Conversely, if you are anxious and agitated, it’s much more likely that things will escalate or not go how you hoped. I recently had the opportunity to talk to a group of recent graduates who are job seeking, I encouraged them to approach interviews with confidence in who they are and what they are bringing to an employer, rather than the grasping energy of I-really-need-any-job. The first energy is inviting and much more attractive; the second is desperate, clingy and repellant.

Curious about what energy you are bringing? Notice how others react to you and realize it’s all feedback. While you can’t change how others react, you can change what you bring to the table and see if there’s any difference when you make an internal shift.

Are You Ready to Let It Go?

January 23, 2013emilydownward

Budgeting is a skill most of us learn through trial and error. We learn how to budget our time to get necessary tasks completed. We learn how to budget our energy, recognizing that some activities and people replenish us while others drain us. And we learn how to budget our resources, which can include time and energy as well as financial and creative resources. Occasionally, what looks like a good investment at first may end up to be a lost cause. And sometimes you’re smack in the middle of investing when you realize it’s better to cut your losses and redirect your energy.

I’m currently facing just this sort of dilemma…with a tooth. I’ve had my share of dental woes, but the majority of them are with one particular tooth. Tooth #12 has had a crown and two root canals over a period of 6-7 years, but the pain persistently returns. I was recently referred to an oral surgeon who gave me two options and posed the question to me, “How much more are you willing to invest in this? Are you ready to let it go?”

Perhaps it’s because I’m a life coach and I see everything as a great learning opportunity, but I couldn’t help but see the metaphor in this. I’ve spent a great deal of time, effort, money and dealt with a lot of pain from Tooth #12. We’ve drilled it, hollowed it out, given it new insides and outsides and all that’s really left is a shell. My mind jumped to times when I’ve done this with projects, jobs, and relationships.

If you’re feeling like you’ve done all you can to improve your situation, if you’ve contorted yourself to fit the needs of others to the point you hardly recognize yourself anymore, if you’ve tried babying it, medicating it, renovating it, and it’s still not working…perhaps it’s time to let it go. Here are some questions to ask yourself:

What do I want from this?
What am I getting out of this, as it currently stands?
What am I giving up to be in this?

You’ll know it’s time to let it go when what you’re giving up is more than what you’re getting out of it, or what you’re likely to get out of it. And more than likely, there are multiple ways to get to your ultimate goal, or what you really want. Perhaps you have to let go of the idea of one path to see the other roads that open before you.

Being Unabashedly You

January 16, 2013emilydownward

One of my favorite assessments I ask my clients to complete is the Kolbe A Index. Based in decades of research, the Kolbe A Index measures your conative style, or how you take action. It focuses on what you do well, and learning more about your unique conative style can help you to leverage your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.

I’ll admit, I’m an assessment junkie. I love taking quizzes, from the serious to the silly, and learning more about myself in the process…or at least getting some frivolous fun from the results. Getting my results from the Kolbe A Index was the most validating to me, and I felt like a huge piece of the puzzle was snapped into place. As spiritual beings in this human experience, I think it’s natural that we ask ourselves “Who am I?” and “What am I meant to do?” For me, learning about how and why I do things the way I do was a fantastic revelation.

Of course, assessments like this are only as good as the application. Learning about my instinctual action mode has enabled me to leverage my strengths as I go about my daily work. Sometimes we all need a bit of prodding or bribing to get done tasks we’d rather forget. For me, deadlines (albeit realistic ones) are essential. If I don’t have a deadline, the task often languishes at the bottom of my To-Do list for weeks. I also know I prefer to have some sort of process to follow, although I like to modify processes when needed. If I’m starting out on an initiative that I don’t have a process for, providing myself with structure of any kind helps get me out of paralysis.

Kathy Kolbe, creator of the Kolbe A Index, provides an audio summary of your results, and I admire and appreciate how she highlights the value of each type, explaining how someone just like you has such a necessary role to play in our world. As she says, “Who you are is who you were meant to be.” So often we measure ourselves against others or try to do something the way we’ve been taught is the “right way.” I encourage you to forge your own path, do it your way, and celebrate what makes you uniquely you.

Positive Influence

January 9, 2013emilydownward

A few weeks ago I wrote about emotional contagion – how others can affect us and we can affect others, similar to how a virus gets spread from person to person. Most of the time people talk about emotional contagion, it’s in the negative sense, how “one rotten apple spoils the barrel.” My article provided tips for combating negative emotional contagion, but the other side of the contagion factor is, how can we influence others positively?

Researchers have been studying brainwaves for years and have found that when two people are placed together in a room, without talking, their brainwaves synchronize within minutes. Entrainment is the process of causing brainwave frequencies to adjust to a desired state, and scientists have found they can influence entrainment through use of rhythmic sound or light. Enthusiasts of brainwave entrainment have noted that it has been used in one form or another for centuries, such as shamanistic societies use of drumming.

But if people do this to each other naturally, without the introduction of sound or light, which brain state is the stronger one? Which one pulls the other into alignment? You may be surprised to learn it’s the peaceful brainwave state that is the most powerful. Think of the peaceful revolutions led by Gandhi or Martin Luther King, Jr. that were the catalysts for massive change.

My personal practice, and one which I now help many clients with, has been to find my peaceful center and then return to it or maintain it even in stressful or difficult situations. Finding my peace was a process. As a busy executive in a demanding career, I had become quite adept at stuffing my negative emotions and allowing the many distractions in my world to keep me from paying attention to what I really wanted. As coping mechanisms go, it wasn’t the most unhealthy, but coping only works for so long. I feel so much better being in my peaceful state, and now my focus is on holding it during stressful situations or returning to it quickly if I find myself off-kilter.

When you can maintain your peace during intense meetings, negotiations, or confrontations, not only do you feel more calm and content, you are also more likely to positively affect, or entrain, the others in the room. What we do and how we are affects others. Whether your goal is to feel better or to influence others, the starting point is the same: it begins with you.