emily downward – Page 5 – Emily Downward

My Personal Tutor: My Hip

June 26, 2013emilydownward

My teacher Martha Beck stresses the importance of listening to the wisdom in our bodies. Our bodies are talking to us all the time, and I’ve heard that the body is primarily how our souls communicate to us. Of course, it’s a more subtle conversation than the constant chatter of our minds. Over the past couple years, I’ve gotten a lot better at listening, but I have to admit, I recently missed a big one. Guess what? If you don’t pay attention, the body gets louder to get your attention.

About nine months ago, I started having pain in my right hip. It was annoying and making it more difficult to run, but I pushed on, convinced it was due to muscle weakness and the scoliosis I’ve had since my teens. I began doing strengthening exercises and continued to run. It didn’t get better. Swimming seemed easier but wasn’t always accessible. I tried ice, heat, deep tissue massage, acupuncture – all with limited success. Running was soon out of the picture, but I kept walking and joined a yoga studio, thinking the stretching and strengthening would help. The pain continued. One day my favorite yoga teacher told us all at the beginning of class to consider this yoga practice as a conversation with our bodies and reminded us that conversations include listening. A light bulb moment for me, as I realized I had been pushing my body to do the advanced poses, trying to prove to myself, the teacher and my classmates that I was good enough to be there. I began to listen a little more.

I finally asked my doctor about it, got a referral to an orthopedic surgeon, and discovered I have a tear in the cartilage in my hip (due in part to scoliosis, the way I’m made, and in part due to repetitive motion). All the exercises I’ve been doing have probably made it worse, which is why the pain is increasing. I’m now at the point where I can barely walk, and I have humbly had to utilize a wheelchair in the airport and rented a motorized scooter for a recent convention. I’m planning on getting surgery soon, but in the meantime, I’m using this as a lesson. And I’m finding that the insights I’m having from this apply to the rest of my life as well:

I need to listen more. Yeah, this is pretty obvious. I am working on listening and not judging – if my body says “I’m not walking,” I need to honor that. This applies to the rest of my life, too, because I often forget to listen first and jump into talking and sharing my POV right away.
Go slowly. To be able to walk at all right now, I need to go VERY slowly. If I don’t, my hip either completely gives out or the pain intensifies even more. In our society, the pace of life has gotten so fast, and this injury has forced me to slow down. It makes me more conscious of what is going on around me.
Focus on one thing at a time. Be mindful. I am used to doing many things almost at once, but again, my hip is forcing me to concentrate. If I try to pivot or spin around while walking (like in the kitchen), I get a sharp pain or the hip gives out. While multitasking has become the norm, researchers have proven that we really can only do one thing at a time. In my current state, I must be mindful of what I am doing and how I am doing it. It’s a good exercise in focusing, and I can use more of that in everything I do.
Rest and recover. A lot. I like to do a lot of different things, and there is so much I want to do. I push myself to do more, such as trying to squeeze in an errand on the way to an appointment, or carrying what my dad would call “a lazy man’s load,” piling many things into my hands and arms to transport from one place in the house to another, which nearly always results in something being dropped. Now, I’m finding that I need a LOT of rest, including time for just putting my feet up and time for sleep. And I’ve had to battle with my inner taskmaster who thinks this is lazy and at odds with being an entrepreneur.
Be willing to ask for help. This one is tough for me, but again, the state my hip is in now has made it a necessity. I have had to ask a lot of people for help, particularly my partner. I have realized how much of my self-esteem is wrapped up in what I do, and this has made me question that. Who am I if I can’t do everything I’m used to? What do I have to offer if I’m not able to do that?

Pain is a persistent teacher. It tells you when to stop and when to ask for help. Of course, you have to listen. May you listen to the whispers of your own body as it shares its wisdom with you.

Making It Easy

June 19, 2013emilydownward

We all have things to do that we don’t necessarily enjoy. Some of us have A LOT of things in our life we don’t enjoy. Some of us look around and have so much in our life that is making us unhappy, we wonder how we got to this place. It seems like we’re stuck. We trudge through, suffer through, telling ourselves that life is tough but we will persevere, or maybe that “this is my lot in life” and wonder when it’s going to get easier, when it will be our turn.

I’ve experienced this, both in my professional and personal life. I felt completely stuck, not knowing which direction to go in next when it seemed everything was not going right. Even though I’m now in a job I love, working with people I adore and have a fantastic flexible schedule, those thoughts still come up sometimes. “Why is this so difficult?” I ask myself.

Now, when I hear myself saying something is “difficult,” it’s my cue that I am most likely making things more difficult than they actually are and it’s time to start investigating my thoughts. Our thoughts cause our feelings, which influence our actions. Cleaning up the thoughts goes right to the source of the problem and enables me to take action from a much better place.

To clean up my thoughts, I use Byron Katie’s The Work. (I highly recommend you check out her free resources online.) And after doing that, I ask myself instead, “How can I make this easier?”

The Messy Side of Becoming

June 12, 2013emilydownward

[My lovely teacher Martha Beck developed the Cycle of Change model that describes the process we go through with any major change. It begins with Square One: Death & Rebirth. I’ve been experiencing a lot of major change this year and getting intimately familiar with Square One. I thought I’d share my experience in hopes it sheds a little light for someone else.]

I think what’s so hard about Square 1 is the Death part. I have some friends who beautifully model a graceful embracing of death and dying. I value that quality and thought I was making strides towards that, but there’s this petulant part of me that is more like child that doesn’t want to go to sleep and miss something. I cling to who I once was, or what I thought I was, or, more aptly, my old way of thinking. The kicker is, even if I didn’t really completely like everything about who I once was, I still cling to it all just because of its familiarity, rather than seeing this as an opportunity to jettison those parts that weren’t working and create something new that fits better.

Logically, I know that death is a part of life, and that it’s the natural order and cycle of things. But emotionally, I struggle with the grief, fear, sadness, and anger. I fear the feelings will be permanent, so I resist them (thereby prolonging them, ironically). I try to mask my feelings, pretending everything’s fine, which takes so much more energy and creates dissonance inside me as my heart yearns to speak the truth. I dip my toe into the feelings and feel nearly overwhelmed by the undertow, so I quickly jump back on to the shore of resistance. There I am, clinging to the sand as the waves are sweeping it out of my clenched fists anyway. It’s painful to hold on, but I’m more afraid of letting go. But at some point, the pain gets to be too much, and I feel like quitting, giving up. “What’s the point of it all?” I feel like screaming.

Still petulant, I say to the Universe, “Fine! I give up!” and I let go. I let go of everything. I let go of my ideas and my dreams of who I thought I was and what I wanted so badly, and I let go of the pain of trying to be okay. I fall into the depths of my emotion. Falling, falling, I relax and let it carry me down. But then, I’m not down. There’s peace. Glorious peace that feels like a balm of contentment. Having finally let go, I can see new possibilities. I have so many more options than just the one I was clinging to. And I don’t have to let go of my dreams, it’s just the plans I had to get there that have changed.

I can see light again, the calm after the storm. And it feels so sweet. Still scary, as I navigate new territory that I haven’t been through before. I feel as vulnerable as a crab that’s just outgrown its shell, having split the old shelter and crawled my way out, I find that my new self is tender and exposed. But also hopeful. And I know the contrast between the storm and the peaceful aftermath are what make it so sweet, even though I wish I could bypass the storm altogether. (Maybe next time? Nah, probably not.)

Energizers vs. Drainers

May 22, 2013emilydownward

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who energize you and people who drain you.

Those who energize you leave you feeling better. You catch a sense of their confidence in you and find yourself thinking more positively. You find time with them just flies by and you can’t wait to spend more time with them. And I’m not just talking about love relationships either. These are the people in your life that you always count among your blessings, who inspire you and provide a safe space for you to just be you.

And then there are the drainers, those people who, for whatever reason, zap the energy right out of you. They may be people who need constant reinforcement and attention, who always want more, more, more (the term hungry ghosts comes to mind – you can never fill them). Or they could be the downers in your life that always look for how things can never work out and give you all the reasons why you should worry, prepare for ultimate doom, and just give up now. Maybe you don’t know exactly why, but after spending time with them, you feel completely and utterly spent.

If you’re lucky, you can surround yourself in your personal and professional life with only those who energize you. More likely, you have some energizers and some drainers in your family, social circle and at work. So how do you keep the drainers from depleting your energy resources?

Awareness. It sounds so simple, and yet, if you’re not conscious about it, you can’t change it. Start noticing how you feel after interactions with different people.
Reduce exposure, where possible. Think of it like x-rays: a couple dental x-rays are okay, but you don’t want full-body radiation all the time. When and where you can, limit your time and exposure to the drainers. For example, I love my relatives dearly but some drain the life force right out of me. I try to reduce the duration of time I spend with them to a couple hours at any one time when possible.
Balance with energizers. We can’t always limit our exposure to the drainers, so find ways you can fill up your energy deficit by scheduling in time with people or activities that raise you up. When I was in the corporate world, even a quick walk around the block or taking the stairs instead of the elevator between floors gave me a chance to breathe and reflect.
Set a boundary. This may sound crazy, but try it with an open mind. I don’t know how it works, but I know it does. Before you encounter the drainers in your life, or at the beginning of your day, imagine a boundary around you, like an orb that completely surrounds you. The surface is semi-permeable: love can pass through. All other stuff is kept out. Try it and see if you can feel a difference.

I recently read a great analogy on energy that resonated with me. Think of your energy for each given day as a bowl with 24 beads in it. You get to choose how you want to spend them, but you only have so many. Make conscious decisions about how and on whom you want to spend your energy beads, and don’t forget to keep a few for yourself.

Instead of Worrying

May 15, 2013emilydownward

I’m writing my blog post early this week, as this Wednesday I’ll be getting oral surgery. Eek. Probably one of my LEAST favorite things to do, and unfortunately, I’ve had my share of dental procedures over the years. I can describe the procedure to others, and when I see their reaction – wincing or pretend gagging – I realize I’m a bit detached from it. If I truly think about what the procedure entails, I get a little queasy myself.

I’ve known for several months that this procedure was going to happen, and there were times when I could easily get into feeling anxiety and dread, not to mention feeling sorry for myself that I have to go through this. My thoughts would churn, and my imagination would create all the worst-case scenarios. Our brain is so powerful, we can create something out of nothing. This can be used for great effect, such as any creative person can attest, or it can be used to create a lot of extra stress for yourself. Since the body reacts (with cortisol and adrenalin) to real or imagined threats, your thoughts can easily create a state of fight or flight. (I’ve written before about the effects of fight or flight on creativity, as well as the easiest way to get out of that state.)

I didn’t spend too much time worrying – I’ll admit, I did some – but I don’t find it to be a very productive use of my time or my mind. Worrying steals your peace in the present, and it doesn’t change what is going to happen. In fact, it may even prepare your mind to expect the worst, rather than the ideal, outcome. And the mind is a powerful tool. Numerous studies have shown the results of setting and focusing on positive intentions.

So here’s how I’ve prepared:

Take responsibility for my decisions. I realized this is my choice. I don’t HAVE TO get this procedure. I am choosing to, because I am looking forward to the completed, and better, outcome. Switching from “I have to” to “I choose to” is more than simple word choice. It switches me from being in the powerless role to one that is empowered.
Stay in the present. The procedure itself only lasts an hour or two, and the recovery time will be a few days. If I choose to worry about it, I can extend that misery for MONTHS. Staying focused on what’s present enables me to enjoy myself more, and I’m all for feeling good.
Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I have prepared for the contingencies, but I have spent most of my energy focusing on what I want the outcome to be.

If you’ve got something you’re not looking forward to doing, such as firing an employee, getting a performance review that you know isn’t going to be great, or even giving a presentation in front of a critical audience, calm your worrying mind by taking responsibility – recognizing your control in the situation, staying in the present moment, and using your mind to imagine positive outcomes. While you may not be able to change the fact that something unpleasant is going to occur, you will (at the very least) make your present much more enjoyable. And you may just impact the future outcome in a positive light, too.

Five Steps to Move Past Self Doubt

May 8, 2013emilydownward

What if I fail?

What if I’m not good enough?

This will never work.

How the hell am I going to do this?

I don’t know what to do next, but I should do something. What am I supposed to do?

Who do I think I am?

What if I make a mistake (AGAIN)?

What if I’m making the wrong choice?

Ah, my old friend Self Doubt. There have been times in my life when I felt confident, but it seems those times are fewer than the ones in which I’ve been accompanied by my steadfast companion Self Doubt. I honestly thought, by this point in my life, I would be past all this nonsense, that I would have mastered the doubts and felt more sure of myself and my abilities. Lately, I’ve stopped trying to get rid of it. I’ve come to accept that Doubt’s along for the ride. In fact, as long as I keep trying new things – and I do so love new experiences and challenges – then Self Doubt will continue to be my companion.

I’ll admit, there are times when Self Doubt gets the better of me, when I am so wrapped up in all the “what if’s” and “I can’t’s” that I’m paralyzed into indecision. But I’ve found that these simple steps can help me continue to move forward:

Speak your fears. Often times, the fears seem so large in my head, but if I actually say them out loud to a compassionate witness, they are so silly I might even laugh. Speaking them out loud can take the energy right out of them. It’s important to find the right person to share them with – I highly recommend NOT saying them to someone you know is a worry-wort. Bless their hearts, but they will just stir it up to be worse and more fearful. Find someone you know can provide calm, honest feedback, and if you don’t have someone like this, hire a coach to be your sounding board.
It’s all feedback. Evaluate your fears and determine which have merit. They may be trying to tell you something, like you need to do more research or preparation. Or they may just be frightened in general. It helps me to evaluate them from a higher perspective, taking myself out of the moment and looking at it from the broad picture of my life.
Minimize risk where possible. If your doubts have merit, address those issues to minimize risk where you can. Determine what is acceptable risk to you, and realize that for each of us that’s different.
Wait to worry. What do you know and what do you not know? Focus on what you know, and wait to worry about the possible outcomes until you know more. There is always time to worry about that later. (Or not.)
Take a leap of faith. At some point, you’re going to have to take that leap, or at least a step, into the unknown. After you have done the research, made preparations as best you can, and addressed the potential risks, take a chance. It actually helps me to think of worst-case scenarios and figure out how I would deal with them. Yes, I may fail. I have failed before, some real whoppers of failures, and I have survived them. This too shall pass.

(Full disclosure: I had doubts about posting this.)

Counting My Blessings

May 1, 2013emilydownward

“Is your life as fabulous as it looks on Facebook?” I was recently asked by a friend I hadn’t spoken to in awhile.

So I’ve decided to come clean: Yes and No.

How my life isn’t as fabulous as it looks on Facebook: I’ve had some crappy days lately. I don’t post about that. Actually, after attempting to get through it on my own, I finally “broke down” and asked for help from some of my trusted and loving colleagues (my ego hates to admit this, but it’s true, I can’t do it all alone). Coaches rock!

How my life IS as fabulous as it looks on Facebook: Even on the crappy days, I count my blessings. I know how lucky I am to have found someone amazing to share love, to have a loving family, to have an incredible group of friends, colleagues, and past colleagues who are supportive and inspiring. I am so thankful to know my passion for coaching and to be a certified coach. I have phenomenal clients that I get to work with, and to watch them grow in their confidence and realize their dreams is my distinct honor.

The field of positive psychology, the basics of which I apply in my life and in my coaching and find myself craving even more, focuses on increasing people’s resiliency, our ability to bend without breaking, to bounce back when life knocks us down. One of the quick ways to help yourself is by using the ratio of 3:1. For every negative experience, have 3 positive ones to increase your positive emotion over negative emotion. Interestingly, the frequency is more important than the intensity, so even if you count the simple positive things, it can work. I think this also helps by focusing your attention on what you do want rather than what you don’t want. Positivity, besides just feeling good, also broadens your mind and inspires you to be more creative. It also leads to stronger relationships with others. All these benefits can give you even more positive experiences to cherish.

Oh, and another thing? Positivity is contagious! (Did you catch it?)

Catalytic Events

April 17, 2013emilydownward

Early on in my career, I had the privilege of working with a sassy, sweet and inspiring group of breast cancer survivors. Coming in at the age of 22 with my freshly printed college degree, I was hired to manage a group of volunteers who ranged in age from 35 to 65. Thankfully I had the presence of mind to listen more than I talked, as they had so much wisdom to share. Over time, I heard each of their personal stories, as well as hundreds of stories from women who called in to our helpline. A cancer diagnosis is one of the most shocking and dreaded things to hear, and yet, there was a remarkable beauty in how each woman chose to live her life and what meaning they gave their cancer diagnosis. It can be the worst thing that can happen to you, or, as many of them would tell me, it can be the best thing that ever happened to you. It gave them the opportunity to take stock of what was working for them – in jobs and relationships – and what wasn’t.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about catalytic events – those occurrences in our lives that knock us off our feet, take the wind out of our sails, and cause us to redefine who we are and how we think. Catalytic events come in three types: shock, opportunity and transition. Shock and opportunity are pretty self-explanatory and arrive unexpectedly. Transition events come from within, often beginning as a slight inner dissonance that grows and becomes impossible to ignore. All types of catalytic events send us into a period of death and rebirth, as we grieve what we were, or how we once defined ourselves, and give birth to a new, redefined version of ourselves.

I’ve been going through a few catalytic events simultaneously in my life recently, all of the opportunity variety. I am thoroughly grateful for these opportunities, so I have struggled a bit to allow myself the accompanying grief. It took a loving friend-coach pointing out to me that I was ignoring my grief. I then realized I was avoiding it, afraid of the depth of the sadness.

Catalytic events bring up our issues, and I’m finding that although I’ve done a lot of personal work on my issues already, there’s still a little more to work through. What I thought was a banana is now looking like an onion, as I peel off one layer to uncover yet another. Martha Beck teaches her coaches to “live it to give it.” So I will continue to peel away the layers, exposing the limiting beliefs in my mind and creating new ones that will serve me better (hint: they are more kind and empowering).

If you are grieving, and if you, like me, tend to want to avoid that, remember that pretending to be happy or to not feel what you’re feeling only prolongs the process. Allowing yourself to feel it, although it seems unpleasant, is the quickest way through. Resisting the feelings only makes them persist longer.

Trusting Through Change

April 3, 2013emilydownward

I was recently watching an educational video that included time-lapse video of a flower blooming. I love watching nature unfold in time-lapse. It’s fascinating to me to see the progress, which normally occurs so slowly over time that you hardly notice it.

The narrator said, “You can’t make a flower bloom more quickly.” It reminded me how often I want and try to hurry things along. I wonder…if we are like a seed under ground or a butterfly still in its cocoon, if perhaps things are happening under the surface to prepare us for what will come.

I think change can come to us externally, like a new job offer you didn’t expect, a layoff, or the death of someone close to you, or it can come from internal changes, by steady effort to make a change happen. Either way, there is a necessary adjustment period, as our perspective shifts to adjust to a new reality.

If you’re finding yourself in the midst of change, whether it’s by design or by surprise, I encourage you to relax, to let the river of change carry you to your new destination. You may feel like resisting it, and for a while, you may feel like that’s working. But there’s a freedom in letting go of the resistance, of accepting the change and trusting in the process. Trust that things are happening under the surface and that they are happening FOR you, not TO you.