emily downward – Page 4 – Emily Downward

I’m not Fine (And You Might Not Be Either)

September 25, 2013emilydownward

“Hi! How are you?”

“I’m fine. And you?”

“Fine. Nice seeing you!”

How many times do we have this type of conversation with people in our lives? It is appallingly shallow and so common and pervasive that it seems normal. But does that make it right? I recently learned this quote from Thomas Payne: “A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.”

As I’m going through a major transformation in my life – it makes every earlier transition period in my life seem inconsequential – I am finding I have no energy for the superficial. I have become much more protective of what I spend my time and energy on, as it is critical for me at this time. I hope I can keep this clarity and conviction to maintain healthy boundaries and doing what is right for me (not at the expense or detriment of anyone else), as it feels like I am honoring my soul or my essential self more than ever before.

I’m reading the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser, “how difficult times can help us grow.” In the first section, she talks about her years of study and experience in personal growth, both individually and as co-founder of the Omega Institute. She refers to the Sufi poet Rumi’s idea of the Open Secret – that each of us hides from others that we are human, that we stumble and fall, that we are afraid and grieve what we’ve lost, dreams and people. When we hide it all from others, they go away and think, “How does she do it all? How come she has it all together? What’s wrong with me?” The irony is that we are all hiding the same secret, making it not such a secret after all. And when you can open the door on your secret, you make it safe for another to open, too.

As my heart is broken open and seemingly bleeding all over the place, I can’t hold it in, so I’m not trying. When I encounter a dear friend or sister or even my caring dental hygienist yesterday who asks, “How are you?” I may begin to tear up or cry. Because truly, that’s often how I am right now: sad, broken-hearted. Most people have been loving and supportive and offer what words or gestures they can of consoling and hope. But others are so uncomfortable. I am not attached to their reaction, which is new for me, but perhaps it’s because I have enough to take care of myself right now. I find it fascinating that MY willingness to share my emotions and feelings makes THEM uncomfortable.

How much life do we waste not truly connecting with others?

Granted, huge caveat here, you need to be careful whom you choose to be vulnerable with. I have learned through trial and error that some people cannot be trusted and may hurt you. I’m choosing to see that as a learning for me, to be more discerning in the future, but not to shut down. Because shutting your heart off, to protect yourself from the pain, also shuts you off from true connection and deep love. And that’s not a bargain I’m willing to make.

And the gifts from being open, from admitting your humanness, are amazing. To be truly seen and acknowledged, just as I am, gives more freedom and security than I’ve ever felt. Freedom to just be, just as I am, and security knowing that even in my broken humanness, I am accepted and loved. I am not alone. And that gives me strength to keep going.

Let Go

September 5, 2013emilydownward

This quote came to mind for me today, as I’m consistently and repeatedly being asked to let go:

Some of the things I’m being asked to let go of are easier than others. For example, letting go of a career a couple years ago that never really felt like it was a good fit was exhilarating. And it was also scary, as I contemplated the unknown and began life as an entrepreneur. Sometimes we hold onto things that are familiar even if we know they aren’t a good fit for us because we’re afraid of the unknown. “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” goes the saying, but I never liked that way of thinking. It only gives two options, and both aren’t that attractive. What about heaven? And by heaven, I mean joy, bliss, contentment, excitement? Why would I stay in a situation that I KNOW doesn’t work for me rather than take a chance that a new situation will REALLY work for me?

And then it seems that taking that leap of faith opened up the door to other leaps of faith, and some of them haven’t been so easy to accept. The song from Les Miserables comes to mind: “I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I’m living. So different now than what it seemed…now life has killed the dream I dreamed.” Sometimes it’s not so easy to let go of our original dream of how we thought it would be.

So you have a choice: you can choose to stay in the hell that Fontine captures so eloquently in her song, or you can choose to let go of the dream. And letting go isn’t easy. If your journey is anything like mine, it includes grief and fear and frustration, which all must be felt and allowed to flow through your body. And when it seems that the dark night will never end, you come to a place of acceptance of what is the reality, at least for now, and it opens you up to new possibilities, new dreams, and magic. For I don’t believe we were given our human life to suffer, but rather to find our way back to peace and happiness again and again.

6 Tips for Doing Stuff You Don’t Like (But Need to Do)

August 28, 2013emilydownward

This week, I’ve been doing a lot of things that aren’t particularly pleasant but that must be done. Some of these are work-related, and some are personal. Some are things I’ve been putting off for YEARS. I didn’t plan on packing them all into one week….it just happened. But I decided when I woke on Monday morning that I didn’t want to be in a state of dread and feel like I was slogging through the week. That doesn’t feel good.

We all sometimes need to do things that we would rather avoid. But avoiding has its price, too. One of the fun tasks I have this week is going to the California Department of Motor Vehicles for a driver’s license and vehicle registration. (I know, you’re jealous!) I have put it off for a bit, but it needs to be done. If I get pulled over for some infraction of the law (I never speed, I’m sure that wouldn’t be it), I could end up with a handful of tickets and some hefty fees to pay. As it is now, anytime I’m driving around and see a police car, I tense up. This is stealing my peace. In addition, it is a part of the large “things to do” list that is always in the back of my mind.

There are ways to “better” unpleasant but necessary tasks. Here are my tips for getting those things done:

Set your intention. When I first woke on Monday morning, I had that “UGH!” feeling. While it’s true I’ve never been a morning person, I quickly realized this wasn’t how I wanted to feel throughout the day or the week. I decided to refocus my intention for the day. How would I like to feel? Now, I knew it wasn’t realistic for me to go all the way to “blissful” this week, but I decided to settle for satisfaction: satisfaction at taking action and getting things done. That felt much better, and I noticed a difference in my day. While I still wake up pretty much every morning with a “I don’t want to get up” feeling, as soon as I’m conscious, I’m setting my intention for how I DO want to feel.
Check it off. I get a lot of satisfaction of checking things off my list. If you’re also motivated by lists and checking them off, experiment with what gives you the most satisfaction: a checkmark, crossing through the item, or marking it with “DONE!” (The last one is my favorite. It makes me feel like I achieved something.) Be aware not to overwhelm yourself: don’t put too many things in any one day.
Reward yourself! When I was a kid, I had to have a painful ingrown toenail procedure. My mom rewarded me afterwards by buying me my first bra. I was so excited! Of course, I didn’t really NEED a bra in those days, but I felt special and very grown-up wearing it. Find different ways to reward yourself for accomplishing unpleasant, dreadful or painful tasks. Create a reward sheet with small items (like a Starbucks coffee drink, a phone call with a treasured friend or a short walk in nature) and big ones and use them as needed to motivate yourself to get through big or small tasks.
Make a plan. Some things you need to do may be complex or have many smaller tasks within them. Rather than put the huge summary item on your to-do list, break it into the smaller pieces. These are more digestible to your brain – it won’t seem as overwhelming – and it’s much easier to chip away at something. Think of how much pollen a bee must collect to create even a drop of honey. Does the bee sit around thinking, “Oh my, how will I ever do it all? I’ll never have enough!” No. He gets to work on the flower in front of him.
Create accountability. If the task you are facing doesn’t already have accountability built in (like your boss is waiting for you), create your own by telling someone what you are planning on achieving and by when. You can even ask them to check in with you to make sure you’re doing it. Some writers and dieters I know use social media for this purpose and get encouragement from their friends’ comments.
Remind yourself Why. It is helpful for me to remember why I am doing this task. It could be for my health, for my profitability, to obey the law (driver’s license & registration), or for my peace of mind. Keeping focused on the outcome motivates your sense of purpose.

There’s still a few days left in this week, and still more tasks I’d rather avoid…what did I forget? Do you have some other ways that help you get things done? I’d love to learn from you — please leave me a comment.

What Are You Missing?

August 21, 2013emilydownward

It’s minutes before the meeting, and you are frantically searching for the report you KNOW is on your desk. You go through the piles and files and finally decide to print another one. Running down to the printer, you see it’s jammed and several people are in queue in front of you – you’re not going to be able to get another copy in time. You go back to your desk – they’re calling you from the meeting room – and exasperated, go without it. Later, after lunch or the next day, when you’re calmly doing something else, you find the exact report you were frantically looking for, and it IS on your desk. You wonder how you could have missed it!

Has this happened to you? Whether at work or at home, sometimes I get in such a panic looking for the thing I’m needing…and it’s precisely that state that makes it more difficult to discover anything useful. It’s a fight-or-flight state of panic, and it feels grasping and anxious. In that state, our vision is narrowed. It’s a state that is meant to protect us from danger, but our bodies respond to physical danger and perceived danger the same. Unfortunately, many of our workplaces are structured to be hurried and “everything’s urgent,” which can stimulate our fight-or-flight state quite easily.

Last week, my boyfriend and I visited the San Diego Zoo. It was a vacation day for us, we weren’t in a hurry, and since we joined as members, we knew we could come back again and didn’t need to try to see the whole park in that one visit. I’m still rehabilitating my hip, so I’m still walking slower. (But I’m walking! So grateful.) We meandered through, occasionally annoyed at others who pushed ahead of us to jockey for a prime viewing position, but soon they were gone, rushing to the next thing. We noticed how many of these people would remark that they didn’t see the animal they were looking for before moving on. We just looked at each other and smiled before turning back to look at the “missing” animal in the exhibit.

When you are in a calm state, you can use a soft focus – not pinpointed on any one thing, your vision is broader, and you are more able to take in a wider perspective. This is helpful not only for finding “lost” items, but also for collaboration and negotiation, critical skills in any business. A broader perspective allows you to “see” others’ viewpoints more easily.

The quickest way to get out of fight-or-flight is [at least] three deep breaths. Relax your belly and breathe deeply, filling your belly and chest with air. As you exhale, try to make the exhalation longer than the inhalation. Repeat twice (or more). And then take another look.

In Dealings with Others, Be Smarter than Your Brain

August 14, 2013emilydownward

I’m fascinated by how the brain works. Until we can watch our thoughts, and even after we know to do that, our stories or our inner dialogue drive so much of our experience and our behavior. It’s no wonder we get stuck in the same patterns month after month, year after year.

Our brains, particularly the left brain, looks to the past to predict the future. We base what will happen by what has happened before. This can be very helpful in many situations. Take cooking for example. You know how to make a certain recipe and the steps and ingredients involved. You may have even played with the recipe a bit and know what you can leave out and what’s essential.

But in other areas, such as in relationship with others, this predictive process of the brain can be extremely limiting and cause conflict, both for you and for others. If others have experienced you during a trying or difficult time in your life, and if they experience you as cranky or emotional or impatient, they may assume this is how you always react to others. We do the same to others in our life – in our social circles, families and in the workplace. We see how others react to us and our brain stores the information away as evidence of “this is how he/she is.”

Unfortunately, if someone has changed, through conscious work or just due to the passage of time, we may miss the change.

I recently watched a British documentary 56 Up that followed 13 people in 7-year increments throughout their lives, from the age of 7 to 56. It was fascinating to see the differences in their progress across the ages. Several of the participants remarked on the local notoriety they received, as well as how they were judged, even years later, for a flippant opinion they gave at a certain age. One man wisely noted that the brief interviews were a snapshot of how a person changes over time but not necessarily a complete view of who he was. I thought that was a brilliant assessment. Who of us would want to be confined to the opinions we espoused at age 14 or 21? We want the freedom to evolve, to grow and improve.

This week, try to look at those around you with new eyes. Allow others the freedom to be whoever they are. You don’t have to agree with them or do things like they do – you get to choose for yourself how YOU want to be. Remember that we are all doing the best we can with the knowledge and resources and experience that we have at the moment, and we are all on different journeys and at different points along those journeys. Namasté.

(“Namasté” is Sanskrit and means “that which is sacred in me greets that which is sacred in you.”)

Finding Your Path to Achieve Your Goals

July 31, 2013emilydownward

I’ve recently moved (yes, it’s my second cross-country move this year), and as someone recently said to me, “it’s great to move because you find all the stuff you forgot about, but it’s terrible to move because you find all the stuff you forgot about.” I’m definitely finding that to be the case and am more inclined than ever to be more minimalist in stuff.

One of my finds was an old journal from 3 ½ years ago. Taking a brief respite from unpacking, I flipped through it and read a bit, my own words taking me back to that time of frustration. “I wonder…am I running away or running toward? There’s currently a commercial for a financial company that plots a green line that directs you where to go to reach your goal. The direction changes based on the goal. I wish I knew which line to follow – or that there was a clear line to begin with. What are my goals? I’d like to make a difference, leave the world better somehow. Sometimes I wonder if that’s possible in my current frustrating job. There are times when I can so clearly see the changes and processes that are needed to make things better. But I feel powerless to make a difference or influence such a change.”

This is why I coach others who are struggling at work. I get it. I know what it’s like to feel like your shoulders are permanently up around your ears due to stress and your stomach churning with anxiety. I know how demoralizing it is to feel like nothing is ever enough, and all you ever hear is “more, more, more!”

So much of our life is spent at work, and I believe everyone deserves to enjoy that time. Sure, there are always tasks that are unpleasant or loathsome (time entry in the agency world comes to mind), but no one needs to feel trapped, consistently burned out, or stuck. I help people find joy and passion in their work, whether that’s in their current job or one that better utilizes their strengths. And through my work, I get to achieve my goal of making a difference, making things better for my clients, and I get to use my experience in the corporate workforce to influence positive change.

I believe you don’t need fixing. You have all the answers inside you. And I know from experience that coaching can help you uncover those answers more quickly than you may be able to on your own. It may not be as graphic as the green line from the commercial that leads you to your financial goal, but there are signs along the way, within you and around you, that can lead you to a happier, more fulfilling life.

5 Tips on Working Location Independent

July 24, 2013emilydownward

For the past few years, I’ve been working out of my home, or wherever I may be travelling, and have been able to continue to build my coaching business and work on consulting projects to keep a steady income flowing. This has been very helpful this year especially, as I’ve had two interstate moves taking me from coast to coast. I’ve learned as I’ve gone along what works well – and what doesn’t. Here are my top five tips on how to successfully work location-independent:

Meticulously Plan – Before leaving on a trip or an extended stay away from my office, I mentally go through what will be happening each day and what supplies I’ll need. I visualize each step, even the small ones, to help me remember all the components I’ll need, such as files, power cables, presentation adapters, headset, and my favorite writing instruments. I also think through back-ups. (For example, what if I can’t get my computer to work with a client’s system for presentation? Bring a USB drive.) Much of this has come from learning from my mistakes. I’ve accumulated extra power cords from trips when I had to buy one because I forgot mine at home, so I now keep these ready to go in my backpack.
Get the Essentials – To be able to do my work, I must be connected with phone and Internet. It’s pretty easy now to find internet access somewhere, and for those few hours here or there when I don’t have it, I focus on the work I can do that doesn’t need internet, such as writing next week’s blog post. I also have times when I’m coaching clients that I need a quiet space for phone conversations. I plan ahead for these to ensure I’ll have the privacy and quiet required.
Be Vigilant of Time Zones – Between my cross-country moves this year and multiple trips, I have to double-check time zones to make sure I don’t miss an important meeting or call. For me, this includes changing the time zone on my calendar when I’m landing in a new place, as well as coordinating my time zone with my clients’ locations. I frequently check TimeandDate.com to make sure I’m calculating it right.
Over-Communicate – Remember the saying “tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, and tell them what you told them?” I highly recommend this for working remotely: tell them what you’re planning on doing, tell them what you’re currently working on, and tell them what you’ve completed. If you’re not in the office, people aren’t sure what you’re up to. It’s better to over communicate than to assume they know what you’re working on. Quick status phone calls and (at minimum) weekly emails give you the opportunity to share what you’re doing. I also have found it’s extremely important to share your accomplishments and kudos. Some people do this more easily than others. For me, it doesn’t come naturally, but I’ve found if I don’t note my accomplishments, others won’t either. Don’t assume your supervisor or upper management know what your contribution is. Make sure they know the part you played.
Set Boundaries – For me, boundaries work both ways: I need to clearly define when I’m available and when I’m not for others AND for me. It’s critical to let others know, but it’s just as important for me to honor my boundaries for myself. I know I have a tendency to give more to others, and chronically doing this only burns me out. I set times for work and times to allow myself to turn off email and phone, to let myself recharge. I still have to battle the thoughts in my head that I need to do more. If my mind is churning on what needs to be done, I’ll write a quick list, truly determining if anything is actually urgent, and prioritizing those. I also find meditation helps to calm my mind, but often, I need to get it all written down in a list before I can let it go.

One of the benefits of connectivity in today’s world is being able to work remotely from just about anywhere. I enjoy working location independently, but I’ve also learned it’s vital for me to disconnecting from electronics to connect inward and cultivate inner peace, to connect with nature and experience wonder, and to connect with others to experience love.

Getting Through the Muck

July 17, 2013emilydownward

A coach friend called me recently to catch up. She is near and dear to me, but we hadn’t spoken in about four weeks. The last four weeks have been quite a rollercoaster for me, and I’ve gotten so used to riding along, it wasn’t until I heard her response that I realized it’s true: I’ve had a lot going on. A lot of chaos and unknown and just crappy stuff.

I’m in the midst of a cross-country move, going from the Charlotte, NC area to just north of San Diego, CA. My boyfriend received a well-deserved promotion, and we both were thrilled with the opportunity to live in the San Diego area. Being a corporate relocation, the move is being coordinated by my boyfriend’s company. I was grateful, having moved from Austin to Charlotte earlier this year and not completely looking forward to doing it again. Unfortunately, every single step of this process has gone badly, including lack of communication and miscommunication with the coordinator, the poor skills and sloppiness of the packers, multiple delays of the movers, careless handling of our stuff by the movers (they dropped at least three boxes that I saw), the damage to our vehicles by the shippers, and difficulty in obtaining permanent housing due to the shortage of available properties where we want to live. We’ve been put in a temporary apartment for the past month – it’s incredibly small, especially considering we are both working from home, and the traffic noise from the nearby busy street keeps us awake. (I’m happy to report that we finally get into a permanent place next week!)

My hip has been paining me for several months, slowly getting more painful and less flexible. I’ve gone from a triathlon last year to using crutches and a cane to get around. It significantly worsened (pain and inability to walk) while we were moving out of our place in the Charlotte area. I figured I had overdone it and with rest it would get better…but it hasn’t. Before the move, I saw an orthopedic surgeon who said I needed surgery, but I purposefully delayed it until we are settled in our new place. I’ve now seen an orthopedic surgeon in California who recommends a cortisone shot. I’m holding tightly to the belief that this will fix it.

I supplement my coaching income with some consulting work, and the company I’ve been working for has recently changed the terms of our arrangement. While I know that they want to continue to work with me (yes!), my future income is less predictable.

Suffice it to say, I have a LOT of uncertainty in my life. It’s very disconcerting and frightening and scary. So much unknown.

I realized that in some ways, I’ve gotten used to the chaos. I’ve been able to switch between eagle view – taking the big picture, and knowing that this will pass and will someday seem like a very small time frame – and mouse view – focusing solely on what is directly in front of me. It’s not necessarily one day at a time but sometimes just one step, literally. It’s what I learned to get myself through the triathlon: when I looked far in the distance and was overwhelmed by the hill I was biking or the distance I had to run, I put my head down and just looked two feet in front of me. I asked myself, can you go that far (2 feet)? Well, yes, of course. It’s so easy. And then repeat. Breaking down any large project into tiny, infinitesimal steps makes it nearly easy to achieve, and therefore more likely to lead to progress, rather than being paralyzed by overwhelm.

I read a great blog post recently by Danielle LaPorte on how validating your pain is the first step to getting stronger. It’s so true. It was so nice to hear my friend validate that I’ve got a lot going on. I’ve been trying desperately not to focus on all the negativity and frustration and pain I’m experiencing, but ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. “What we resist, persists.” So I’m putting it all out here, to give you the permission to share your own pain, and to give hope to others who are struggling through their own desert of uncertainty. Find support for your struggle, and then press on, one step at a time, and know that this too shall pass.

Recap of the World Domination Summit

July 10, 2013emilydownward

I attended the World Domination Summit last weekend in Portland. Led by Chris Guillebeau with the idea of “living a remarkable life in a conventional world,” the conference inspires positive social change. Here are a few takeaways from my experience:

I found Pam Slim’s the Art of Action seminar to be practical and inspiring. She gave us a simple formula to begin taking action on our dreams and asked us to brainstorm with the person next to us. The quick collaboration gave me a new idea to approach my goal of presenting and coaching within companies, and I have a straightforward list of actions and deadlines, as well as a new buddy for accountability.
I enjoyed Darren Rowse’s presentation on the main stage about the importance of dreams, and his breakout session with Chris Garrett was chock-full of best practices for blogging. I’m using one of their tips right now by asking you, reader: What topics or questions would you be interested in me covering on this blog? Leave a comment to this post below.
I found Steve Schalchlin’s performance (piano and singing) incredibly moving. Through his songs, he tells the story of his experience with HIV in the mid-90’s and the amazing return to life from death’s door when he was chosen through a lottery to receive a new medication. He calls his life now as “living in the bonus round,” and his message of hope and triumph were inspiring.
Donald Miller was the final speaker, and he shared his story and experience about stepping out of the false self we create to avoid shame and showing who we truly are. He spoke from the heart, and his authenticity gave strength to his message.

A lot of emphasis throughout the weekend was on entrepreneurship, and while the audience was largely entrepreneurs or those who want to leave their corporate job, I was surprised that there wasn’t any discussion on making a difference from within an organization. It was proudly mentioned several times that WDS is not sponsored by any corporations, but it seemed that the massive impact that corporations can have for good was completely overlooked. Not everyone wants to be an entrepreneur. Fortunately, you can still have a positive impact on the world, especially your world and those around you, by being a force for good where you are.

Personal Independence

July 3, 2013emilydownward

Here in the U.S., we celebrate Independence Day tomorrow. I’m celebrating with my sweetie by travelling up to Portland where we’ll be attending the World Domination Summit over the weekend. (If you’re not familiar with WDS, it’s all about positive social change, started by author Chris Guillebeau. This will be my first year attending, and I’m excited about the planned content and speakers.)

What does independence mean to you? Is it about having enough money to do what you want when you want? Is it having time to rest, create and play? Is it being your own boss and setting your own schedule?

I have found it so helpful and illuminating to define exactly what I want. After all, if you don’t know what you want, it’s very challenging to chart your course to get it. I get most clarity by writing, so I make lists or descriptions of what I want in my journal, being as specific as feels good to me. It may sound simple, but it can be a very eye-opening because pesky thoughts about not being good enough or not being worthy may pop up as I begin to dream big. Cleaning up those thoughts (using Byron Katie’s The Work) helps me clear the path and get my brain to work FOR me instead of getting in my own way.

If independence doesn’t get your creative juices flowing, try defining success. Then make a list of what you want – it’s important to focus on what you want, not what you don’t, so write in the affirmative. If you’re feeling too separated from what you might really want, start with broad strokes and begin to notice what people, activities and events bring you energy and joy.