emily downward – Page 2 – Emily Downward

My Journey to Become a Master Coach

November 13, 2014emilydownward

I recently finished my masters program and received certification as a Martha Beck Master Life Coach. To me, this is the culmination of a dream, and at the same time, the process and achievement were completely different than what I had imagined.

Many people have asked me what the Master Coach certification means. On paper, it means I have been completed the rigorous training, which included honing and strengthening my coaching skills and finishing several real-world assignments, such as public speaking, product development, writing assignments, and retreat planning. I submitted several actual coaching calls and received feedback from my instructors and colleagues, as well as reviewing others’ calls to provide feedback. I gained more confidence in my abilities and skills as a coach, and I became more certain in my purpose and next steps for my practice. We coached each other regularly, and the more willing I was to dive deep into my personal issues and challenges, the more I got out of it. But it wasn’t easy.

I recently heard “those on the spiritual path must be continually willing to let go,” and I believe this is true. It’s not letting go of material things or relationships, although that sometimes happens in the process. It’s more about letting go of the way you thought things were, letting go of the way YOU are, in order to become who you are meant to be.

For me, the tension reached its peak mid-way through the training. Through a series of events, I became so frustrated and fed-up that I nearly quit the program. I did a lot of self-coaching and got coached by some dear friends, and I realized that the certification truly didn’t matter to me anymore – because I already felt like a Master. I knew at a deep level that I was at the master level, and whether someone else could see that or not truly didn’t make a difference. In fact, I realized that just like in some of my past intimate relationships, if the other person didn’t see my value and respect me, why would I want to stay in that kind of relationship? At the time, I could only see two options: leave the program, or pretend to be something I’m not and stay (and my tolerance for being something I’m not has dwindled to dust). However, I know that this binary way of thinking is evidence that I’m missing something, so I reached out and asked if anyone could see another option. Working through this with one of my instructors, she suggested rather than the issue itself, the whole process I was in the midst of could be about breaking my patterns of behavior. It was a strange revelatory experience. Could that be it? I agreed to stay, for the moment, and see how things played out. But in my mind, I had one foot out the door and was ready to jump if that felt better to me.

While I was in this I-can-stay-or-I-can-go mode and having the inner acknowledgement of being a master, something shifted. I no longer got quite as caught up in the stress of the assignments, even the big ones that were challenging. I was able to stay in a state of peace with more frequency, knowing that I already had in myself the feeling of mastery – having already given myself that, I knew that acknowledgement meant more than anything anyone else could say.

I’ve heard before that there’s nothing anyone can give you to make up for what you aren’t willing to give to yourself, but now I’ve learned it on a visceral level.

And while all my issues and self-defeating patterns haven’t been eradicated through this experience, I’m more aware of the patterns my mind plays and having been through this process, I know I can break the ones that don’t serve me. I’m proud of my accomplishments, both of the external assignments I completed and more importantly, of the inner work I’ve done. And I’m more certain and excited than ever to share what I’ve learned with others, through coaching, speaking and writing.

Getting Past Stuck

October 17, 2014emilydownward

I talk to a lot of clients who tell me they feel stuck.

I know that place. It’s not one of my favorites. When I’ve been mired in it, I feel a sense of powerlessness, like I can’t do anything to change my circumstances.

Fortunately, this is completely untrue.

You can ALWAYS do something – even if you can’t take action, you can always change your thoughts.

I used to think it was all a bunch of nonsense. Choose your thoughts? I was so wrapped up in my mind and so very attached to my thoughts that I couldn’t see I was separate from them.

One of my favorite stories I share with my clients is when I first heard my mentor Martha Beck say in our coach training, “Any thought that causes you pain probably isn’t true.” My immediate thought was, “That sounds like bullsh*t.” Yes, I was a skeptic, and I wasn’t easily convinced otherwise. But I decided to just play along with what she was saying and tried out the tools we coaches call “thoughtwork.”

Turns out, she’s right. I’ve never been so happy to be so wrong before, because I found SO much freedom in recognizing that I am not my thoughts. And once I could see that, I could see that I had a choice in which thoughts I wanted to focus on, to feed with evidence and strengthen.

If you’re feeling stuck – and I would say it may be more accurate to say you’re feeling frustrated or disappointed or unhappy – you may be thinking the thought “I’m stuck.” (It could also be more complex, like “I’m stuck and this SUCKS!” but you get the idea.)

When you think a thought, your brain looks for evidence to prove the thought correct. So basically your brain goes on a recognizance mission with the sole purpose of finding proof for this thought. The more evidence you find, the stronger the thought becomes. It’s as if your brain sees evidence and says, “See? I was right!” and it keeps on looking for more.

Unfortunately, this can create a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you say “I’m stuck,” your brain only looks for evidence that you are, in fact, stuck. So it ignores evidence of say, new opportunities. New ideas. Helpful friends.

If you can shift the thought even a wee bit – say, to something like “I used to be stuck, but now I’m open to new opportunities.” – your brain suddenly has a fresh mission: New Opportunities.

Your brain can be a powerful tool to help you – once you get it focused in the direction you want to go.

If you can’t see what thoughts you have that are holding you back, don’t worry. We all have that blindness sometimes. That’s why it can be so helpful to work with a coach. I still get so mired in my own thoughts sometimes that I need an objective and compassionate outsider to help me sort it out. And afterwards, I have so much more freedom and am more open to the possibilities, rather than just the limitations.

The Roles We Play

October 8, 2014emilydownward

I’ve been in Seattle now for about seven months. Not long, if you consider that many people live in the same area their whole lives. But it seems like a good amount of time to me, after last year’s scattered approach of living in three different cities in seven months.

I’ve realized as I meet new people and begin developing friendships, I have the opportunity to redefine myself. Not that I’m pretending to be something that I’m not – at this point in my life, I’m comfortable with who I am at my core and comfortable sharing that with others – it’s that I’ve realized I have the opportunity to drop some of my own stories about who I am and the roles I’m carrying from the past that may not be serving me anymore.

For example, if I tell the story of living with chronic pain and hip injury, I am repeating that pattern for myself, setting myself up to play that role. Some days it’s easier to let go of that story than others, depending on my current level of pain, but, because each day is different, that in itself is a reason to define it in the moment rather than defining it by what it was.

If I continue to tell the story of myself as hurt, wounded, or a victim (and I’m speaking of more than just a physical injury – this could apply to a number of situations), not only do others see me in that light and mirror back to me that reality, I also continue to show up for that role.

Sometimes it helps me to get distance from an event or experience by imagining it as a play. Say for example, I am to play the role of the victim. The actors (my friends and family and those I interact with) have all been given their parts. They have their scripts of supportive comments, compassionate remarks, or suggestions for coping.

And then the play begins…but here, I have a choice: I can play the part as it has been written (based on my past experience and past story), OR I can choose to go off-script. Create a new role for myself. And everyone else will shift accordingly, like in an Improv.

Suddenly, there are so many new possibilities open to me and to the other players. I feel excitement and am eager to see what happens next.

How are you defining yourself? Are you happy playing the role you’ve chosen? And if not, what’s one small thing you can shift in the way you’re showing up? All it takes is a small shift to create a ripple of changes.

How Losing the Ability to Walk Taught Me a Valuable Lesson

September 12, 2014emilydownward

One of the significant losses for me last year was the loss of my physical abilities. I went from being a proud 7-time triathlete to someone who had to reserve a wheelchair in the airport because I couldn’t walk the distance from the check-in to the gate without excruciating pain.

At the beginning, it was mostly an annoyance. A couple months after my last triathlon, I noticed pain in my right hip when I ran. Training for triathlons taught me I could do more than I thought I could do, and I had learned how to push myself past the whining voice in my head that said it was too difficult. So I pushed on.

The pain increased, and I became frustrated with my body. I was in a relationship with a man who was a former personal trainer, and he encouraged me to push through it. Given his experience and also the fact that I wanted to impress him, I pushed on.

The pain got worse, and I had to completely stop running. Thinking it was a temporary setback, I made myself walk every day and began doing yoga 4-5 times a week to increase my flexibility and strength. Still, the pain worsened and my mobility declined.

I heard a motivational speaker recently, who in recounting her personal story of transformational weight loss, said, “The one thing you have control over is your body.” I hope she never experiences how very untrue that statement is, because it was incredibly difficult to surrender for me.

But when your body stops walking, you have to start listening.

First, I had to surrender to the idea that this was truly happening. I had so much resistance to the idea that I couldn’t do what I’d been doing. Eventually, it was obvious. I couldn’t walk without assistance, like a cane or crutches. I consulted a variety of specialists, and learned that a combination of scoliosis, the way my muscles learned to compensate, and repetitive training for triathlons had created the perfect storm for my hip.

Second, I had to learn to truly listen to and trust my body. I have always been more reliant on my mind than anything else. I had learned how to push myself. Now, I had to learn to let my body set the speed. Some days, I could walk a mile. Some days, I could barely walk around the block. Other days, I needed to rest. There was no pattern to it – each day was different. But my body no longer responded to force – it would simply shut down. As I slowly began to get infinitesimally better, I didn’t want to go back to being completed crippled, so I listened.

I also had to trust my body with what helped, and what didn’t. Frequently, even what the doctors or therapists were telling me wasn’t working for me. I learned to trust what I was feeling more, to distinguish between different kinds of pain – like the good kind of pain in a stretch or in a muscle you are building versus the you-overdid-it and now there’s inflammation. Lots of trial and error, but I’m learning and getting better at it.

Finally, I had to change my thoughts and ideas about myself. I had to create a new normal. I don’t think I’ll do another triathlon again, and I had to grieve that. I had to be okay with what my good-enough is. Not that I’m giving up on improving – not at all! But I accept and honor the limitations I have on any given day.

If you’re facing a big transition like this, you may also find these steps work for you:

Surrender to what’s happening. Byron Katie says, “When you fight with reality, you’re going to lose 100% of the time.” Acknowledge that this is what’s happening right now. When you come to a place of acceptance, then you can begin to find your way out.
Listen and trust your body. This is true not just in physical challenges but also in times of grief. Some days are up and others are down. Follow your inner rhythms.
Shift your thinking to accommodate your new reality. Let go of the idea of who you thought you were, and dig deeper to the inner knowing of who you are – that part of you that never changes, that is worthy and good enough without titles or accomplishments.

Today, I can hike three miles on a good day. I’ve even had days where I have no pain at all, and it feels amazing. I continue to accept, listen and be flexible in my thinking, and in addition to the ability to walk, I also have a lot more peace.

Recalibrating the Internal GPS

July 29, 2014emilydownward

I have a GPS map component that came with my car. It’s been very helpful to glance over and see where I am on the larger map as I’m learning new areas of Seattle. But occasionally, it gets completely off – the GPS locator isn’t working and rather than driving down the road, on the screen it looks as if I’m driving right through the middle of the lake. I notice it and try to reset the system, which may or may not work. I become a bit disconcerted as I realize I was relying on it to help me find my next turn.

I think this is an apt metaphor for life. I often wish for a map or blueprint which would provide me with a reliable way to reach my intended destination. Instead of “In a quarter mile, turn right,” it could tell me which classes to take to ensure success, where to go to meet my next partner, and where to invest my money to provide the best return. Wouldn’t that be nice? Instead, my life (and I hazard to assume yours as well) is more of a trial and error approach. Occasionally, there are helpful guides and teachers along the way who can answer some of the questions of which way to go next, but even their advice can be fallible when it comes to your life because YOU are unique. What worked for them may or may not work for you. And so, I find myself yet again with the often-frustrating answer of “the answers are inside of you.” (This occasionally makes me want to scream, “Then WHERE are they?!?!”)

If you find yourself in a place in your life where the GPS has lost your signal – you feel like you’ve gone off-road, have lost sight of your destination or are questioning whether you even want to continue to strive for that particular destination anymore – here are my tips for recalibrating your internal compass:

Breathe. I always find this helpful. Of course, yes, I know our breathing is always on default and our brain happily keeps us from completely stopping our oxygen intake, but our breathing is also very sensitive to our emotions and stress response. Taking even 1 minute to notice your breathing, notice if you are clenching any muscles or if you can relax your stomach and take a nice deep breath, immediately helps you feel safer and access the higher processing parts of your brain.
Shift your attention to what is working well. Our brains are geared to look for the negative, to find what needs improving. Actively shifting your brain to start collecting evidence of what’s going well – even if it’s small, simple things like “I’m breathing better right now” – gets your brain into the state of looking for those clues that you are on the right track. It starts tuning in to what’s Warmer in the Hot/Cold game.
Notice what you can ditch. While you are actively working on looking for what’s working well, your brain still loves to serve up all that’s not working well. Notice if there are things you’ve been doing, activities or people you’ve been spending your time and energy on, that aren’t serving you. What can you let go of to give you back some of your attention to focus on what’s working well?

You really do have an internal compass, some call it their gut reaction or intuition, and it is always trying to steer you towards what’s best for you. The more you tune into it, the more trust you can develop in your own indicators, and you’ll find the episodes of feeling lost are shorter.

If you’re interested in learning more about intuition, energy and how to incorporate it into your life, you may want to check out my upcoming teleclass, the Magical Mystical Tour.

Finding Your Way

July 15, 2014emilydownward

I keep getting more and more reminders that success for each of us is really very individual. While we may look to experts or others who have “made it” for inspiration and ideas, we still have to find our own way. And for most of us, this requires quite a bit of trial and error.

I’m seeing this in my life in multiple areas. One is my diet. My body has become extremely sensitive to all kinds of foods – and “sensitive” is the nice way to say it violently rejects things that aren’t good for it. I’ve done some reading and research of why this might be happening. I found both medical and spiritual explanations for the cause, and there are numerous diets and cleanses all claiming to have the answer to fix it.

A part of me often wishes for, and looks for, an easy solution to things. I buy books and read articles online looking for The Answer. I find it comforting to learn and follow guidelines with an expected outcome. Unfortunately, someone else’s idea of The Way doesn’t mean it will work for everyone. I must try different ideas and processes, learning what works for me and what doesn’t, creating my own hodge-podge version with pieces of this and parts of that, mixed with my own preferences and style.

The same is true for my clients. Many times a new client will ask me what my process is, what steps I will take them through. And while I do have a set of tools I regularly teach and use, I don’t have one prescribed process I take everyone through. I value the uniqueness of each person’s strengths, challenges and journey, and I customize the sessions to best meet each client’s goals and current situation.

That’s one of the reasons I’m so excited about my new program, which I have whimsically called the Magical Mystical Tour. Rather than putting forward one way of thinking about how to use and leverage energy and intuition, I’m introducing you to five of my favorite practitioners of “the Woo.” Listening to each of these incredible women will give you a variety of styles and ways to explore. If you’re looking for a way to learn more about how to use energy in your life, this is a great way to get a sampling of several different ways.

As always, keep searching for the path that works best for you, realizing that it’s likely a unique one, just as you are a unique expression of the Universe. And if you find that you’ve somehow lost the trail, or that what you used to do is no longer working for you, I can help you find your way.

Claim What You Want

June 19, 2014emilydownward

Over coffee with a friend, I encourage her to claim what she wants, to state it aloud, and as I’m saying it, I recognize the irony as I realize this is EXACTLY what I have been not doing for myself. Why can’t I claim what I want for myself?

Perhaps it’s a strange attempt at protection – if I don’t admit what I want, I won’t be so disappointed when in doesn’t happen.

Or maybe it’s that if I don’t say it out loud, no one will know when I fail to get it, compounding the disappointment.

Or it could be that I just don’t believe I deserve what I want. That it only happens for other people, those who work hard or are better people or more enlightened or always do what’s right.

As I put it down on paper, I can see how silly this reasoning is. In my mind, it seems completely logical. My mind tells me not to claim what I want, and by following its reasoning, I stay completely stuck in ways of thinking and doing that keep me from EVER getting what I want.

How can I possibly achieve or receive what I want if I don’t ask for it?

And I know I must ask and release my attachment to it. This is tricky for me sometimes, and probably part of the reason my mind twists itself up in not stating what I want. Because if you ask the Universe in a state of “I NEED this,” that grasping energy repels what you want, just like a desperate lover can repel the person they want to connect with.

By the grace of a friend who lent me a book, I found this prayer by Tosha Silver: “Let what wants to come, come. Let what wants to go, go. If it is mine, it will stay. If not, something better will replace it.”

I truly believe holding on to something that wants to go is not only futile but also keeps that “something better” from getting to you. We must create a vacuum to allow the space for that better thing to come in.

Today, I am going to claim one thing that I want, stating it in the present tense as if it is true. I’m going to write it on a slip of paper and burn it, letting it go with this prayer – Let what wants to come, come. Let what wants to go, go. If it is mine, it will stay. If not, something better will replace it. – knowing that I am always taken care of and that the Universe often has better ideas than I do about how to fulfill my wants.

The Thing about Stuff

April 3, 2014emilydownward

I’ve recently completed my fourth cross-country move in 12 months. (Yes, I’m exhausted and the sight of moving boxes sends me into fight-or-flight mode.) I’ve found a nice little place to start my new home on a quiet street in North Seattle. I love the quiet. I am glad to have my own space. And, I could describe my apartment as Cozy.

The truth is, it’s small.

Or, I have too much stuff.

I have been battling the boxes, unpacking them and trying to find a place to put everything, and noticing how creative I can get with the space I have. Finally, though, I had to admit, there is NO MORE SPACE. Every drawer is filled, every closet packed, every cabinet has enough in it.

I’m not a hoarder, and I purge my things at least yearly, going through my closet to identify anything I haven’t worn in a year – besides the Halloween costumes. You never know when you might need to reprise one of those – and combing through the vast collection of bathroom items I seem to collect, including soaps, makeup, skin care samples, aromatherapy, lotion, hair products, travel size toiletries,… you get the idea.

So I’ve been purging more, but I reached a point at which I can’t get rid of much else and I STILL have too much stuff. And it’s stuff I either need to keep (like paperwork that needs to be kept for a few more years) or want to keep (like my Christmas decorations and the china from my great aunt). I realized I have two options: allow it to be piled in an anti-feng-shui manner in corners, OR admit I need more space and rent a damn storage unit.

After trying option 1 for nearly a week, I realized how much this Stuff is getting to me. It stresses me out! One of the questions I love to pose to clients is, “What’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself right now?” Initially, the answer was that it was kinder not to have to think about a storage unit. I didn’t want to pay a monthly fee and really wanted to try and achieve some minimalism ideal. But this week the answer changed to Admit I can’t do any more with what I have and rent some space. Immediately, I felt better. Lighter. Less stress. Ah…

I think many of us do this to ourselves a lot. Life serves us up a challenge (stress), and we Try To Solve It! We go into work-mode. The I-can-do-it and the try-harder mode. And we have pressed our nose to the grindstone so hard that we can’t see the solution: Give Up. It sounds so easy, so lazy, like you’re not trying hard enough. But where has all the trying got you?

Obviously, it’s a balance between trying and giving up that’s the true answer. For me, (and perhaps some of you dear readers) a little more giving up is not only the kinder way to go, it’s also where the solution lives.

Freedom in Being Yourself

March 26, 2014emilydownward

I recently asked the question, “Why am I having so much physical pain? (And, what can I do to not have so much?)” in a guided meditation. The message I got was clear and emphatic: Stop trying to be something you’re not!

On some levels, I’ve never been as congruent as I am now. I think back to when I was in a job I really didn’t like, knowing it absolutely wasn’t the right job for me but partially seduced by the financial benefits and partially just overwhelmed into inaction by the indecision of what else to do. Now, I choose what projects and clients I get to work on. It’s been such a relief and feels so freeing to do the work that I am best at, and refuse projects that do not fit what I do best.

So where am I still not being fully who I am designed to be? That’s the question I’m still pondering for myself, in meditation and journaling. I know there is relief in letting go of trying to be something I’m not, and freedom and self-acceptance in being who I am. I have a hunch my focus in coaching is shifting. My coaching practice for the past three years has focused on coaching people on work, helping them find more joy, passion and success in what they do. I love it, and yet lately, more people are coming to me looking for something bigger than work, and the coaching is going into more big picture purpose and spiritual connections. It’s extremely fun and interesting, and I feel very much of a fellow traveler on this journey with my clients, perhaps leading them from just a step or two ahead on the path. I don’t know where it’s going yet, but I am totally in for the ride.

Where are you trying to be something you’re not? What steps can you take to be more authentically You?

'Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.' — Me in 1979. I marvel at the 7-year-old me who is so confident and sure of who she is.

Holding On, Letting Go

March 11, 2014emilydownward

For the past six months, I’ve been on a journey, emotionally, spiritually and physically. The ending of my relationship thrust me into the chaos of grief and being uprooted without a home base, and it also sent me into an intense healing period and connecting to myself at an even deeper level. I’ve become more in tune with my spiritual center, and less interested in superficiality. I’ve had to let go of many attachments, to people and things, and I’ve found I can get by on much less stuff than I thought.

When I packed a couple suitcases in September, I had no idea it would be six months before I discovered and decided where I wanted to live, found a place, and recollected my things from storage. I guess I could have sped up the process – with my work being virtual, I can live and work from anywhere with good internet and phone service – but I wanted to allow myself time to grieve and not make a hasty decision, to not make a quick decision out of fear and uncertainty but to allow the time to regain my peace and choose wisely.

It hasn’t been easy. Even with all the coaching tools and knowledge, it’s still difficult to let go sometimes. I cling to old ideas of who I thought I was, how I thought my dreams would look, and my heart still wants some of those dreams. I’ve had to grieve the loss and tease out the parts of my dreams that I can hold on to, and those I have to surrender. I still get to keep the essence of the dream, but I know it won’t look like I thought it would. I’m choosing to believe it will look even better than I thought, even though that is currently an exercise in faith.

Trying to hold on is painful – it’s impossible to succeed and it’s painful. The pain for me manifests physically, and I’ve been dealing with some extreme physical pains lately – an indication that the letting go is a process, and I’m still working on allowing it.

I listened to a guided meditation recently that included this phrase: “It all melts away…all that doesn’t serve.” I liked it – I liked it enough to open my eyes and write it down before resuming the meditation! It makes me feel better about letting go, realizing that those things (people, ideas, or objects) no longer serve me. And it reminds me to focus instead on what DOES serve me. I’ve also found this refocusing helpful when dealing with so much uncertainty – focusing instead on what I am certain about, even if sometimes that’s not much! For example, I can get pretty wound up about being technically homeless, or I can give thanks for the friends and family who have graciously invited me into their homes and to their tables. I can recognize that I have a roof over my head, somewhere to sleep, food in my belly. And, I can remember that having always moved around and travelled (being, as my Auntie Norma calls me, a gypsy at heart), I am always at home in my body, wherever on the earth that happens to be. Focusing on the certainties helps me relax, even if just a bit, and that enables access to the creative parts of my brain, allowing me to come up with solutions and ideas.

Many people I know, friends and clients and colleagues, are also dealing with incredible changes and losses. If you are experiencing massive changes and letting go, I encourage you to focus inwardly, find your inner peace – the part of you that is always okay, always perfect. Some may call this the soul or the spirit or your essential self. Connect with that part as often as you can and allow yourself time and space to grieve, feeling your emotions and allowing them to wash through you. Find the essence of your dreams, those pieces you can keep, and let go of the rest. In letting go of those things you try to grasp in your hands, you open your hands to receive something new.