dreams

Getting What You Want

emilydownward

"“External circumstances do not create feeling states. Feeling states create external circumstances.” ~ Martha BeckWhat do you want? What do you really want?

It’s a standard question coaches pose to clients, one that I pose to new clients, and one that I have pondered myself. What do I really want?

During times of great stress, sometimes all I could muster as an answer is for the stress or cause of pain to end. I think when you’re in the thick of it, it’s difficult to dream big. Like if you’re in the foyer of an Italian restaurant and someone asks you what you want to eat, you think of the Italian options – lasagna, spaghetti, manicotti, ravioli – you don’t even consider other cuisines, like Thai, Indian, or French, which you could have if you stepped out the door and walked down the street. You limit your options subconsciously. We do this in other areas of our lives, too.

So allow yourself to dream big, dream without rules or limitations, dream beyond your current circumstances, and come up with your heart’s desire. Got it?

Now, consider that what you really want isn’t what you’ve got in mind, but rather what you think having that thing or experience will make you feel. It’s all about the feeling state. How do you imagine you’ll feel when you have that perfect job, tons of money, the ideal body or your soul mate? That’s what you’re really after.

As Martha Beck writes in her book Steering by Starlight, while we think we’ll get these feelings by getting what we want, “External circumstances do not create feeling states. Feeling states create external circumstances.” Martha gives this example in the book:

“You’re an employer looking for someone to hire. Two candidates apply. One is desperate and frantic. ‘Please, please, I need this job; you’ve got to help me,’ he begs. The other candidate is calm and confident. He asks, ‘How can I help you?’”

Once you recognize the feeling state you’re after and find ways to feel that (or recognize where you already have this in your life), you’re much more likely to get what you’re wanting. (And you may find you don’t want it anymore, or at least not as much, once you realize you’ve already got what you really want, the feeling.)

Several of my clients are working towards their next promotion, and one mentioned to me that she really wanted the next title, that when she got that, then she would feel confident. Having been on both sides of that title (before and after), I told her from my experience that having the title doesn’t bestow that confidence. In fact, acting with confidence now, she’s more likely to receive that promotion.

So consider what you want, and then go deeper: what will you feel when you have that or experience that? Finding ways to experience that feeling now will not only give you more happiness, it will also make it easier for you to get those things you wanted in the first place.

Follow Your Dreams

emilydownward

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

– Howard Thurman

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsEk7ywtmfk]

And for some musical inspiration, here’s Colbie Callait (as captured by my iPhone) singing “Brighter than the Sun.” I love this song!

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w6qff_fyyo4]

These lyrics are inspiring to me: “Oh, we could be the stars falling from the sky, shining how we want, brighter than the sun.” Let your light shine!

Courage

emilydownward

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” – Steve Jobs

I have my share of Apple products and love them. But I was also inspired by Steve Jobs and the way he approached his life.

Launching my own business as a life coach, many people have remarked to me that it’s very brave of me, that it takes courage to follow your dreams. They say it with a bit of amazement and wistfulness on their faces. And when I say that they, too, can follow their dreams, change their career and do what they love, they begin to tell me all the reasons why they can’t.

  • “I’m too old to make a change. I should have done it when I was younger, but now I have to think about retirement.”
  • “I have too many responsibilities – kids, a mortgage, a spouse to support. You can do it because you don’t have all that.”
  • “I can’t quit my job because I need the benefits (particularly insurance). And I can’t get my own insurance like you did because of my health problems.”
  • “I can’t make enough money if I did what I want to do.”

It’s interesting the way our minds work. Our culture is very left-brain dominant, and the left brain looks to the past and predicts the future based on the patterns it sees in the past. This is helpful when you are learning a new skill, but not so helpful for “out of the box” thinking. The left brain also looks for evidence to prove its theories are correct, so if we think a thought of “I can’t make enough money being an artist,” we will look for and find examples of starving artists, of people who only do their art on the weekends and keep working at a job they loathe. If you tell someone to go into a room for 5 minutes and look for as many red objects as possible, and when they exit, ask them how many blue objects they saw, they will be at a loss. Our brains are programmed that way.

The cool thing is — our brains are a tool, not our whole being. We can use them for our purposes, instead of letting our thoughts rule us. A belief is just a thought we’ve said to ourselves over and over again. If it’s working for you, great! If not, choose to believe something different. For example, make a list of all the artists you know of that ARE making a living, and a good one at that, by following their passion. (Hint: NY and Hollywood have lots of examples!)

Trying something new isn’t easy. But for me, staying with what wasn’t working wasn’t easy either. So I decided to try something else. And I am so very happy that I did.