chaos

Getting Through the Muck

emilydownward

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” ~ Pema ChödrönA coach friend called me recently to catch up. She is near and dear to me, but we hadn’t spoken in about four weeks. The last four weeks have been quite a rollercoaster for me, and I’ve gotten so used to riding along, it wasn’t until I heard her response that I realized it’s true: I’ve had a lot going on. A lot of chaos and unknown and just crappy stuff.

I’m in the midst of a cross-country move, going from the Charlotte, NC area to just north of San Diego, CA. My boyfriend received a well-deserved promotion, and we both were thrilled with the opportunity to live in the San Diego area. Being a corporate relocation, the move is being coordinated by my boyfriend’s company. I was grateful, having moved from Austin to Charlotte earlier this year and not completely looking forward to doing it again. Unfortunately, every single step of this process has gone badly, including lack of communication and miscommunication with the coordinator, the poor skills and sloppiness of the packers, multiple delays of the movers, careless handling of our stuff by the movers (they dropped at least three boxes that I saw), the damage to our vehicles by the shippers, and difficulty in obtaining permanent housing due to the shortage of available properties where we want to live. We’ve been put in a temporary apartment for the past month – it’s incredibly small, especially considering we are both working from home, and the traffic noise from the nearby busy street keeps us awake. (I’m happy to report that we finally get into a permanent place next week!)

My hip has been paining me for several months, slowly getting more painful and less flexible. I’ve gone from a triathlon last year to using crutches and a cane to get around. It significantly worsened (pain and inability to walk) while we were moving out of our place in the Charlotte area. I figured I had overdone it and with rest it would get better…but it hasn’t. Before the move, I saw an orthopedic surgeon who said I needed surgery, but I purposefully delayed it until we are settled in our new place. I’ve now seen an orthopedic surgeon in California who recommends a cortisone shot. I’m holding tightly to the belief that this will fix it.

I supplement my coaching income with some consulting work, and the company I’ve been working for has recently changed the terms of our arrangement. While I know that they want to continue to work with me (yes!), my future income is less predictable.

Suffice it to say, I have a LOT of uncertainty in my life. It’s very disconcerting and frightening and scary. So much unknown.

I realized that in some ways, I’ve gotten used to the chaos. I’ve been able to switch between eagle view – taking the big picture, and knowing that this will pass and will someday seem like a very small time frame – and mouse view – focusing solely on what is directly in front of me. It’s not necessarily one day at a time but sometimes just one step, literally. It’s what I learned to get myself through the triathlon: when I looked far in the distance and was overwhelmed by the hill I was biking or the distance I had to run, I put my head down and just looked two feet in front of me. I asked myself, can you go that far (2 feet)? Well, yes, of course. It’s so easy. And then repeat. Breaking down any large project into tiny, infinitesimal steps makes it nearly easy to achieve, and therefore more likely to lead to progress, rather than being paralyzed by overwhelm.

I read a great blog post recently by Danielle LaPorte on how validating your pain is the first step to getting stronger. It’s so true. It was so nice to hear my friend validate that I’ve got a lot going on. I’ve been trying desperately not to focus on all the negativity and frustration and pain I’m experiencing, but ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. “What we resist, persists.” So I’m putting it all out here, to give you the permission to share your own pain, and to give hope to others who are struggling through their own desert of uncertainty. Find support for your struggle, and then press on, one step at a time, and know that this too shall pass.

What Now?

emilydownward

“We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.” ~ Joseph CampbellThere are times when life throws you a curve ball. You’re going along, everything’s going great, and suddenly Wham! You get the wind knocked out of you with something that totally throws you for a loop. It could be a layoff, a death in the family, a break up, a diagnosis. Or sometimes it’s an opportunity, a promotion, a new relationship, the birth of a child. These are all catalytic events, and they throw you into what we Martha Beck coaches call Square One, where the way you defined yourself before no longer works now. It causes an internal identity crisis (the motto for Square One is “I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s okay.”), and we go through this many times in our lives. It’s not exactly pleasant, but it is survivable.

I’ve been going through some of my own Square One stuff in my life lately, and I thought it might be helpful to share a few things that help me survive the chaos.

1. Don’t make any major decisions or life changes. Wait a bit, until things settle — and they will settle. Square One doesn’t last forever, if you allow yourself to work through the emotions, which leads to…

2. Allow your emotions space to be. I’ve written before (and it’s still true) that I don’t always (ever?) find it easy to allow my emotions to be present, particularly those which feel unpleasant to me, like anger or sadness. But emotions are “energy in motion,” and as Jill Bolte Taylor describes in her book My Stroke of Insight, if we allow them to flow through our system, they course through our body in 90 seconds. It’s when we stuff them and resist them that they linger. 90 seconds seems doable to me, and I have found that it’s true: I feel better and get through the muck faster when I can allow these emotions space. (Note: it took me quite a bit of coaching and personal work to get reconnected to my emotions after stuffing and numbing them for years. I highly recommend getting help if you are feeling stuck in this area.)

3. Question everything. With your new perspective on how things are in your life now, you may realize that the assumptions you had before no longer apply. Take this opportunity to question your assumptions and create better thoughts and beliefs that work for you. For instance, when I got divorced, I came smack up against the idea I’d always held in my mind that divorced people didn’t really try hard enough to make it work. I hadn’t realized I had this judgment in my head, until of course I was in that situation myself. That judging thought made me feel awful about myself, and so I revised that belief. Coaching has given me great tools to identify and change my thoughts, and I believe it’s the ability to choose our thoughts that brings us the most internal peace and happiness.

4. Give yourself permission to ask for help. I’m fiercely independent and often have the can-do-it-myself attitude that is often demonstrated by young children. But when things get messy, when everything feels like it’s falling apart, it feels so good to know I’m not alone and that there is help out there. We aren’t meant to be solitary beings — the human experience is all about interconnectedness and relationships. Find someone who can give you some support and help you through your Square One mess.

5. Focus on gratitude. While it may seem counter intuitive when things are crappy, focusing on what you have instead of what you don’t will help shift your energy to a more positive place. You also may notice some really good things that come out of a Square One identity crisis. Perhaps in some ways you were ready to shed that old identity, and the catalytic event was a blessing in a strange way. Find the good things, even if they’re small, to be grateful for.

And as it’s Thanksgiving week here in the U.S., I am so very grateful for you, my readers and my clients, and for being able to serve as a life coach in this world. Wishing you all a good week and hoping you have some quiet time to reflect on your gratitude list.