Have you ever had one of those days where you ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me again?!?!?”
I had one of those recently. Frankly, I was pissed. I know I have changed so much about how I deal with things, and it’s beyond annoying to have the same results show up. It could be seen as evidence that all the positive changes I’ve made don’t amount to anything. I know our brains always look for evidence to prove our beliefs correct, and it seems that my brain is STILL focused on those old beliefs, even though I’ve done so much to change my thinking to work for me and for my goals. I know I’m still focused on what I don’t want because my thoughts went something like, “I’m so tired of this! It’s not FAIR! I don’t deserve this!” and I felt like shouting, screaming or crying – or some combination of all three. And then there’s the additional judgment about this thought-storm in my mind: “This is NOT very evolved, mature, or a good example of how a life coach ‘should’ be.”
I recently read a great article by a coach I love from a deliberate creation perspective. Jeannette wrote that those circumstances where it looks like nothing has changed is an echo of what we used to get. Her writing really resonated with me, as she gave the metaphor of how Facebook will ask “Are you sure you really want to do that?” and requiring a Yes or No from us before taking the action we initiated.
Or, as Martha Beck puts it, “Our external circumstances don’t change our feeling states. Our feeling states change our external circumstances.” Martha teaches we have to change our internal feelings first, and that shifting our feelings affects the external circumstances. We often want things because of how we think they will make us feel: for example, “once I get that promotion, then I’ll feel confident and empowered.” Unfortunately, that’s just not the way it works. We have to feel confident and empowered (or whatever your desired state is) FIRST. I’ve seen this happen in my own life and in my clients’ lives. Once the shift is made, the circumstances come about so quickly.
But in the moment of frustration, when I’m raging against what is happening, that this is NOT what I want, it’s so tempting to go back to old patterns of thinking and coping. At least this time, I recognized exactly what was happening and I was aware of what I was thinking and feeling. This is crucial – as I tell my clients all the time, awareness seems so obvious once we have it, but it’s a HUGE first step towards changing things. In that moment, I could see how I could easily think the things I’ve always thought, and do the same things that I used to do to comfort myself. BUT I also know that doing things the same way will keep me in the same, or similar, circumstances. And that’s not where I’m going. I’m choosing a new road. And the answer to “why am I still getting this situation?” is just because I need practice. I haven’t quite mastered this lesson yet.
When do YOU say “enough is enough; what I’m doing isn’t working. I’m willing to try something else”? Are you ready to try something new?