change – Emily Downward

How Losing the Ability to Walk Taught Me a Valuable Lesson

September 12, 2014emilydownward

One of the significant losses for me last year was the loss of my physical abilities. I went from being a proud 7-time triathlete to someone who had to reserve a wheelchair in the airport because I couldn’t walk the distance from the check-in to the gate without excruciating pain.

At the beginning, it was mostly an annoyance. A couple months after my last triathlon, I noticed pain in my right hip when I ran. Training for triathlons taught me I could do more than I thought I could do, and I had learned how to push myself past the whining voice in my head that said it was too difficult. So I pushed on.

The pain increased, and I became frustrated with my body. I was in a relationship with a man who was a former personal trainer, and he encouraged me to push through it. Given his experience and also the fact that I wanted to impress him, I pushed on.

The pain got worse, and I had to completely stop running. Thinking it was a temporary setback, I made myself walk every day and began doing yoga 4-5 times a week to increase my flexibility and strength. Still, the pain worsened and my mobility declined.

I heard a motivational speaker recently, who in recounting her personal story of transformational weight loss, said, “The one thing you have control over is your body.” I hope she never experiences how very untrue that statement is, because it was incredibly difficult to surrender for me.

But when your body stops walking, you have to start listening.

First, I had to surrender to the idea that this was truly happening. I had so much resistance to the idea that I couldn’t do what I’d been doing. Eventually, it was obvious. I couldn’t walk without assistance, like a cane or crutches. I consulted a variety of specialists, and learned that a combination of scoliosis, the way my muscles learned to compensate, and repetitive training for triathlons had created the perfect storm for my hip.

Second, I had to learn to truly listen to and trust my body. I have always been more reliant on my mind than anything else. I had learned how to push myself. Now, I had to learn to let my body set the speed. Some days, I could walk a mile. Some days, I could barely walk around the block. Other days, I needed to rest. There was no pattern to it – each day was different. But my body no longer responded to force – it would simply shut down. As I slowly began to get infinitesimally better, I didn’t want to go back to being completed crippled, so I listened.

I also had to trust my body with what helped, and what didn’t. Frequently, even what the doctors or therapists were telling me wasn’t working for me. I learned to trust what I was feeling more, to distinguish between different kinds of pain – like the good kind of pain in a stretch or in a muscle you are building versus the you-overdid-it and now there’s inflammation. Lots of trial and error, but I’m learning and getting better at it.

Finally, I had to change my thoughts and ideas about myself. I had to create a new normal. I don’t think I’ll do another triathlon again, and I had to grieve that. I had to be okay with what my good-enough is. Not that I’m giving up on improving – not at all! But I accept and honor the limitations I have on any given day.

If you’re facing a big transition like this, you may also find these steps work for you:

Surrender to what’s happening. Byron Katie says, “When you fight with reality, you’re going to lose 100% of the time.” Acknowledge that this is what’s happening right now. When you come to a place of acceptance, then you can begin to find your way out.
Listen and trust your body. This is true not just in physical challenges but also in times of grief. Some days are up and others are down. Follow your inner rhythms.
Shift your thinking to accommodate your new reality. Let go of the idea of who you thought you were, and dig deeper to the inner knowing of who you are – that part of you that never changes, that is worthy and good enough without titles or accomplishments.

Today, I can hike three miles on a good day. I’ve even had days where I have no pain at all, and it feels amazing. I continue to accept, listen and be flexible in my thinking, and in addition to the ability to walk, I also have a lot more peace.

Holding On, Letting Go

March 11, 2014emilydownward

For the past six months, I’ve been on a journey, emotionally, spiritually and physically. The ending of my relationship thrust me into the chaos of grief and being uprooted without a home base, and it also sent me into an intense healing period and connecting to myself at an even deeper level. I’ve become more in tune with my spiritual center, and less interested in superficiality. I’ve had to let go of many attachments, to people and things, and I’ve found I can get by on much less stuff than I thought.

When I packed a couple suitcases in September, I had no idea it would be six months before I discovered and decided where I wanted to live, found a place, and recollected my things from storage. I guess I could have sped up the process – with my work being virtual, I can live and work from anywhere with good internet and phone service – but I wanted to allow myself time to grieve and not make a hasty decision, to not make a quick decision out of fear and uncertainty but to allow the time to regain my peace and choose wisely.

It hasn’t been easy. Even with all the coaching tools and knowledge, it’s still difficult to let go sometimes. I cling to old ideas of who I thought I was, how I thought my dreams would look, and my heart still wants some of those dreams. I’ve had to grieve the loss and tease out the parts of my dreams that I can hold on to, and those I have to surrender. I still get to keep the essence of the dream, but I know it won’t look like I thought it would. I’m choosing to believe it will look even better than I thought, even though that is currently an exercise in faith.

Trying to hold on is painful – it’s impossible to succeed and it’s painful. The pain for me manifests physically, and I’ve been dealing with some extreme physical pains lately – an indication that the letting go is a process, and I’m still working on allowing it.

I listened to a guided meditation recently that included this phrase: “It all melts away…all that doesn’t serve.” I liked it – I liked it enough to open my eyes and write it down before resuming the meditation! It makes me feel better about letting go, realizing that those things (people, ideas, or objects) no longer serve me. And it reminds me to focus instead on what DOES serve me. I’ve also found this refocusing helpful when dealing with so much uncertainty – focusing instead on what I am certain about, even if sometimes that’s not much! For example, I can get pretty wound up about being technically homeless, or I can give thanks for the friends and family who have graciously invited me into their homes and to their tables. I can recognize that I have a roof over my head, somewhere to sleep, food in my belly. And, I can remember that having always moved around and travelled (being, as my Auntie Norma calls me, a gypsy at heart), I am always at home in my body, wherever on the earth that happens to be. Focusing on the certainties helps me relax, even if just a bit, and that enables access to the creative parts of my brain, allowing me to come up with solutions and ideas.

Many people I know, friends and clients and colleagues, are also dealing with incredible changes and losses. If you are experiencing massive changes and letting go, I encourage you to focus inwardly, find your inner peace – the part of you that is always okay, always perfect. Some may call this the soul or the spirit or your essential self. Connect with that part as often as you can and allow yourself time and space to grieve, feeling your emotions and allowing them to wash through you. Find the essence of your dreams, those pieces you can keep, and let go of the rest. In letting go of those things you try to grasp in your hands, you open your hands to receive something new.

Why is This Happening Again?

February 26, 2014emilydownward

Have you ever had one of those days where you ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me again?!?!?”

I had one of those recently. Frankly, I was pissed. I know I have changed so much about how I deal with things, and it’s beyond annoying to have the same results show up. It could be seen as evidence that all the positive changes I’ve made don’t amount to anything. I know our brains always look for evidence to prove our beliefs correct, and it seems that my brain is STILL focused on those old beliefs, even though I’ve done so much to change my thinking to work for me and for my goals. I know I’m still focused on what I don’t want because my thoughts went something like, “I’m so tired of this! It’s not FAIR! I don’t deserve this!” and I felt like shouting, screaming or crying – or some combination of all three. And then there’s the additional judgment about this thought-storm in my mind: “This is NOT very evolved, mature, or a good example of how a life coach ‘should’ be.”

I recently read a great article by a coach I love from a deliberate creation perspective. Jeannette wrote that those circumstances where it looks like nothing has changed is an echo of what we used to get. Her writing really resonated with me, as she gave the metaphor of how Facebook will ask “Are you sure you really want to do that?” and requiring a Yes or No from us before taking the action we initiated.

Or, as Martha Beck puts it, “Our external circumstances don’t change our feeling states. Our feeling states change our external circumstances.” Martha teaches we have to change our internal feelings first, and that shifting our feelings affects the external circumstances. We often want things because of how we think they will make us feel: for example, “once I get that promotion, then I’ll feel confident and empowered.” Unfortunately, that’s just not the way it works. We have to feel confident and empowered (or whatever your desired state is) FIRST. I’ve seen this happen in my own life and in my clients’ lives. Once the shift is made, the circumstances come about so quickly.

But in the moment of frustration, when I’m raging against what is happening, that this is NOT what I want, it’s so tempting to go back to old patterns of thinking and coping. At least this time, I recognized exactly what was happening and I was aware of what I was thinking and feeling. This is crucial – as I tell my clients all the time, awareness seems so obvious once we have it, but it’s a HUGE first step towards changing things. In that moment, I could see how I could easily think the things I’ve always thought, and do the same things that I used to do to comfort myself. BUT I also know that doing things the same way will keep me in the same, or similar, circumstances. And that’s not where I’m going. I’m choosing a new road. And the answer to “why am I still getting this situation?” is just because I need practice. I haven’t quite mastered this lesson yet.

When do YOU say “enough is enough; what I’m doing isn’t working. I’m willing to try something else”? Are you ready to try something new?

Changing Habits

December 4, 2013emilydownward

Sometimes we make changes to our habits because we have to: we are faced with something so big that it’s obvious that we cannot continue to do things the way we’ve always done them. I’ve seen people make huge changes when faced with a serious diagnosis, an impending new addition to the family, or a change in employment.

Other times, we get the idea to make changes all on our own. We may decide to be healthier by eating better or exercising. We start a meditation practice or begin consciously using more positive thinking. We begin to see or feel a difference and gain some momentum with the new way of doing things.

And then, life turns up the heat. Stress escalates, as it sometimes does, and our default is to go back to our old programming – what we “know,” what feels comfortable. We eat the junk food or “comfort food” that we believe we deserve. We scrap the exercise or meditation because we are overwhelmed with the stress at hand.

It’s ironic that it is exactly these times of great stress when we need those healthy behaviors most of all.

Take, for example, the adage that we should drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. It feels good to be well hydrated. Our bodies and brains work better. Drinking adequate amounts of water helps with satiety, keeps our kidneys happy and helps flush out all sorts of things from our system. If you get a viral infection, like the common cold, what’s the number one advice? “Drink plenty of liquids.” Even though I KNOW that’s the advice, I always appreciate the reminder because I’m so focused on my stuffy nose or headache that I forget to do the basics.

This year, I had some massive stress, like a tsunami ran through my life. For a short while, I considered going back to my old ways. Fortunately, I listened to my body, which was all kinds of tense and anxious when considering that. I also had my amazing support team to help me keep focused on what’s best for me.

What serves us better is to keep on with our new, improved behaviors, even if they feel uncomfortable or if you doubt they will work or make a difference. Even if you doubt it – you KNOW the old ways don’t work. You’ve already proved that to yourself. Stick with the new ways, and give them a chance to create something new in your life. (I’m here to tell you…it’s working for me!)

Trusting Through Change

April 3, 2013emilydownward

I was recently watching an educational video that included time-lapse video of a flower blooming. I love watching nature unfold in time-lapse. It’s fascinating to me to see the progress, which normally occurs so slowly over time that you hardly notice it.

The narrator said, “You can’t make a flower bloom more quickly.” It reminded me how often I want and try to hurry things along. I wonder…if we are like a seed under ground or a butterfly still in its cocoon, if perhaps things are happening under the surface to prepare us for what will come.

I think change can come to us externally, like a new job offer you didn’t expect, a layoff, or the death of someone close to you, or it can come from internal changes, by steady effort to make a change happen. Either way, there is a necessary adjustment period, as our perspective shifts to adjust to a new reality.

If you’re finding yourself in the midst of change, whether it’s by design or by surprise, I encourage you to relax, to let the river of change carry you to your new destination. You may feel like resisting it, and for a while, you may feel like that’s working. But there’s a freedom in letting go of the resistance, of accepting the change and trusting in the process. Trust that things are happening under the surface and that they are happening FOR you, not TO you.

Change in Scenery

March 20, 2013emilydownward

I’ve recently experienced a big transition: I’ve moved across country to be with my boyfriend. I’m an experienced mover: I moved seven times growing up, and this is my fifteenth move as an adult. I have learned a lot about moving, including how to pack well and the value of detachment from material items that can get broken, damaged or lost. Moving always provides me an opportunity to reflect on what’s working, what’s not, and what I want to change in my physical environment. I don’t usually do a complete redecoration, but I refine what I have around me to reflect who I am now.

My mentor Martha Beck teaches in coach training about the Living Space tool. It’s based on the research and experience of Thomas Moore, a former monk and clinical psychologist. Coming out of the monastery and its austere way of life, Moore realized the significance and value of what we choose to put in our living spaces. He believes that every choice we make in the material world reflects the condition of our inner lives.

In the Western world, we seem to accumulate and value material possessions. I have found it interesting to note what I have too much of: kitchen and bathroom items. Some have been gifts, and some I’ve brought in to my home. I obviously get some comfort from having all these things, even though I found many things that haven’t been used in years.

So as I’m choosing what to unpack and what to store away, I’ve also been finding myself questioning what’s working and what’s not working in my habits and activities. What do I want to keep, and what am I ready to let go of? I’m doing more of what serves me and serves my clients and less of those things that drain my energy and don’t provide a good return on investment.

The interesting thing about our environment: when we make a small change in the outside, it can have ripple effects on the inside, too. It’s known as the butterfly effect. Coming from chaos theory, the butterfly effect explains how a small change can have a huge impact on a later state, such as how a butterfly flapping its wings can shift the trajectory of a hurricane.

Try this experiment: Look at your physical space and find the area that bothers you the most. What’s one thing you can change about it, either by taking something away or adding something? This works at home and the office. The changes you make in your surroundings will have effects on your inner state as well.

I Don’t Know! (Or Do I?)

October 10, 2012emilydownward

I struggled for many years not knowing what I wanted to be doing, just knowing it wasn’t what I was doing. I was good at my job and had gotten promotions, moving my way up to additional responsibilities and larger salaries. I enjoyed having people report to me and mentoring them, but most of my responsibilities, which had at one time seemed like interesting challenges, had become uninteresting and incredibly stressful to me. In addition, I was overwhelmed with a never-ending amount of work, unrealistic deadlines and intense pressure from all sides. It took a huge toll on me, and my body was screaming for my attention. I knew I had to make a change.

And yet, I didn’t know what else to do. I figured I might as well keep doing what I was doing until I figured it out.

Now, I realize that when I was telling myself I didn’t know what to do, it was kind of a lie. Now, I know that our brains can spin incredibly believable stories, and most of them aren’t true.

Sometimes, when faced with making a big change, we get freaked out. Change can be scary. Even known terrible conditions and situations are sometimes chosen over the unknown, as depicted in the movie Shawshank Redemption. When faced with release from prison, long-time inmates struggle with their newfound freedom, preferring to stay in the known and confined community they’ve become a part of. While it’s inconceivable to think any of us would choose prison over freedom, I wonder, how many of us are living in a prison of our own making?

When you’re not sure what to do – ask yourself, “What DO I know?” Like a game of Hot and Cold, keep following what feels hotter, and take steps towards what feels better. You don’t have to have the whole plan figured out. (In fact, it may be better if you don’t: life may throw new opportunities or challenges at you that you can’t imagine now.) As I once heard Martha Beck say, when you’re driving from New York to Los Angeles, you don’t have to see the whole road. You only need to see as far as your headlights shine in front of you.

For me, when I was struggling several years ago, while not yet knowing what I wanted to do for a career, I knew I wanted to return to living close to my family. I craved those social connections and support.

Also ask yourself, “What do I know that I am pretending not to know?” I find that meditation and journaling help me when I’m trying to figure this out. I’ve also gotten help answering this question working with my own coach.

In my situation several years ago, I realized that I no longer valued things the same. While I had once felt pride in my title, I had come to see that a title didn’t make the person. While I still enjoyed my salary, I realized that for me, the price I was paying emotionally, physically and spiritually wasn’t worth the reward. And I realized my desire to do something to help people was growing, and what I was doing wasn’t in line with that.

As I recently wrote, sometimes change is forced upon us, and sometimes we choose it. And sometimes it creeps up on us and we wake up one day and realize that while the situation around us hasn’t changed, we’ve changed internally – our values, our preferences, our goals. I believe that we’re each here in human form to learn how to be happy. We have different missions to achieve that, and we each are given different struggles to overcome. And as we grow and learn, sometimes we find that we’ve outgrown jobs, relationships or situations, and it’s time to move on. Follow what makes you happy.

To Change or Not to Change

September 26, 2012emilydownward

I’ve always been fascinated by the interplay between change and resistance to change. Our lives, as humans, are constantly changing, and yet, we often resist this inevitability and try to cling to things, whether it’s relationships, jobs, our youth, children, pets, or even our favorite pair of jeans.

Our bodies are built for homeostasis – the state of maintaining or remaining the same. Our biological systems work to maintain our temperature, heart rate, blood pressure. We are geared for “stasis” – the same – and yet we are constantly evolving, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Sometimes we are forced to change by events and circumstances outside of ourselves. We get dumped, fired, reassigned, and lose people we love. Massive changes cause us to work through our emotions and re-evaluate our position.

And then there are the times when we initiate change. We decide to make a move, change the way we’ve been doing things, or start a new routine. Generally, there’s a lot that happens “behind the scenes” before the change becomes apparent to the outside. I work with a lot of clients who are contemplating change or who recognize that what they’ve been doing isn’t working for them anymore, so they are open to doing things differently. I help them explore their feelings and thoughts about what’s going on and invite them to create a dream of what they really want, and then a plan to achieve it.

To make a change takes courage. Willingness to try and willingness to take a risk. Facing the idea that you might not succeed on the first attempt. I see clients with amazing courage and resilience and applaud them as they make positive changes for themselves and start to realize they can create the life they want. And as they see the positive changes for themselves, they gain confidence and empowerment and more joy.

And then they get hit with the Change-Back Attacks. Martha Beck coined the phrase to describe how those closest to you – your friends, family, coworkers – react to your new changes. Generally, as I mentioned, we humans resist change, and when one person makes some big changes, it upsets the homeostasis of the group. Others who are perfectly happy with the way things have been may try to cajole, force, manipulate or chide you back into familiar behaviors.

The best way to handle Change-Back Attacks is with love and compassion. Listen and understand that they are coming from a place of resistance, and if possible, calmly state your intentions. You can love and accept them for how they are without agreeing with them. Continue to follow your truth, your passion, and your capacity for love increases.

Surprise Grief

October 26, 2011emilydownward

Foggy Manhattan — View of Manhattan from Statue of Liberty

“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind is part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter into another.”

– Anatole France

Even so called “good” changes mean saying goodbye to what was. When I was recruited up to New York City and left Dallas, I felt conflicting emotions. It was an amazing opportunity, and I was thrilled, nervous, excited and couldn’t wait to experience everything NYC had to offer. At the same time, I was leaving behind some amazing friends, moving hundreds of miles away from my family, TexMex food and everything familiar.

The grief — although I didn’t really recognize it as such at the time — came in waves. Sometimes I would just need to cry. Other times I felt it helpful to walk, especially down by the Hudson River. I find water to be very calming and restorative. I often found myself looking for a familiar face in the crowd, thinking I recognized someone, only to realize the person I was looking at just slightly resembled someone from my previous life in Dallas.

It was a difficult transition, but one I’m glad I did. Over time, it got easier. The tears for what I left behind ended, and I made new connections. And of course, there were fantastic experiences that I wouldn’t have had if I hadn’t been in NYC. I learned so much about myself, became much more independent and comfortable in different situations, and met many interesting people.

If you are facing a new beginning, or saying goodbye to a situation, relationship or job, I invite you to be gentle with yourself. Allow the grief, even along with the excitement and hope of new possibilities. As Richard Bach said, “What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.”