career coach – Page 4 – Emily Downward

Putting It All Together

March 27, 2013emilydownward

I bought a new desk for my office, and it came in approximately 10,000 pieces. As I laid them all out on the floor and began to try to understand the directions and decipher which part resembled the diagram, I was reminded of a do-it-yourself mini robot kit I got one Christmas from an uncle. I was about 13 years old, and the box made it look interesting. Keep in mind, this was way before cell phones and touch screens and most electronic games. So the idea that I could build a robot that could either spin in circles clockwise or counterclockwise, or go straight if you engaged both wheels, and operate it with a remote control seemed pretty cool.

As I pulled out all the pieces and started looking at the enclosed directions, all I saw were Chinese characters that had no meaning for me. There were no English translations. However, I persevered and tried to match up the pieces as best I could using the drawings only. I was able to get it to work…sort of. The robot would go clockwise but not counterclockwise. Having only one wheel that worked, it definitely wouldn’t go straight. I also had an odd number of screws left over, and I was unsure whether they were intended extras or I had missed something. The novelty of directing the robot soon wore off, as it only spun in a circle one direction, and I was overwhelmed by the thought of deconstructing it and starting over.

Isn’t that just like life? Sometimes we want so badly to have directions, to learn exactly how we are supposed to find success, fulfillment and happiness. So we search for mentors, teachers, gurus. We watch how others find success and read self-help books. We take quizzes that promise to reveal that special something.

But the reality is that none of us came with directions. We all have to stumble through, trying to read the signs as best we can, making sense out of what we’ve been given. And sometimes we find that we are spinning in a circle, seemingly going nowhere. We have to take time to slow down, deconstruct what’s not working, chart a new course and make a plan to get us there.

For me, it makes it easier to enjoy the journey, knowing there is no one “right” way. And it helps to have wise mentors, teachers and coaches who can help me find my way back to my path when I feel like I’m lost.

Strength in Resting

March 13, 2013emilydownward

“The strength comes in the resting.”

It was such a simple statement by my personal trainer (aka my boyfriend) but also very profound.

He was remarking on my progress and complimenting me on sticking to my exercises to strengthen my hip, but he surprised me by telling me to take a day off – to not do anything threw me for a loop. My mind was momentarily puzzled. I had set my mind to do these exercises EVERY DAY and was convinced that if I didn’t do them every single day, I wouldn’t see the progress I wanted.

“The strength comes in the resting.”

Of course, muscle rebuilds during the resting periods. He reminded me of this, and I began to think of the other times when our strength comes during resting periods.

Like many people I know, I can get in a work-work-work mode to the point where I have difficulty switching gears and taking time out. If you’re like me, even when you get a chance to “rest,” your mind keeps up the 10,000-point To-Do list and keeps churning away on coming up with solutions for your challenges. This happens to me quite regularly, as my brain loves to run the program that I’m not doing enough. This thought can keep me very motivated and productive, but it can also drive me to the point of exhaustion and burnout. And I know, as you know, that we all need rest. I know that taking time to do things, like even 15 minutes for meditation, brings me so much additional energy and focus that I’m more productive for taking the break than if I just kept working.

Although this continues to be a struggle for me, what works best for me is to give myself permission for a specific period of time to rest, and to define what “enough” is. It may sound ridiculous, that I have to “give myself permission,” but what I mean by this is to combat the dictatorial voice in my head that tells me I have SO much more to do right now by returning to the thought (for example), “I’m going to sit here and meditate/read a book/play solitaire for the next 15 minutes.” Resting comes in different forms and in different durations depending on my schedule and what feels good in the moment.

Defining what “enough” is also varies based on my goal, energy level and time frame, but this has also been critical for me. By defining exactly what I feel comfortable with – rather than the elusive, undefined and therefore unachievable “enough” – I take back control over my inner dictator. I set the parameters, and I bring in the dictator to then execute it with precision.

I’d love to hear if you have additional techniques that work for you in switching out of work mode and into rest mode. And I wish you much peace and strength in your resting.

One Small Step at a Time

March 6, 2013emilydownward

I’m currently rehabilitating my right hip. Due to scoliosis and some other factors, it’s significantly weaker and has been causing me a lot of pain and making it difficult to walk. I’ve been doing a combination of therapies to relieve the pain and make it stronger, and after a couple of good days, I thought I’d join my boyfriend on a run around the lake. I was excited about getting out there and doing a run/walk, enjoying the nice weather and spending time together.

Unfortunately, I significantly overestimated my body’s current ability. I didn’t get very far at all before I began limping, and less than a mile into it, my leg started giving out completely. When this happens, I can usually catch myself with my other leg so I don’t fall down, but it’s very painful when it gives out. At this point in our “run,” I was hobbling. I decided to let my boyfriend run ahead without me while I turned back to SLOWLY make my way back to the car.

It was ridiculously slow. I had to stop and stretch several times, and I had to take very small steps to prevent my hip giving out. This gave me plenty of time to think, and my critical mind jumped in with a barrage of insults. “I CAN’T BELIEVE I can’t even run a mile! It was less than a year ago that I was doing my last triathlon and now I can barely walk! This is pathetic.”

I realized that although I want very much to be back at my triathlon training level, the reality is I’m not. I can either try to force my leg to do more than it can do (with the consequence of setting myself back and causing more pain), or I can take small steps, doing my physical therapy and allowing my body to rebuild the muscle strength at its own pace.

I am often impatient for things to be different, so this situation reminds me of many other times when I wished things were different NOW, whether it be at a job or in my personal life. I think the first step is recognizing where you are versus where you want to be, and the next challenge is to consistently take small steps towards your goal. It most often cannot be done all at once. Perhaps you want a new promotion. What are the steps to get there, other than talking to your boss or the decision makers about your intention? Notice what skills or expertise you need and determine ways to get that experience. Break down the progression into smaller steps, and keep your focus on executing those smaller steps flawlessly.

I also use coaching to quiet the critical voice inside my head. When I struggle against reality – what is true versus what I think it should be – I cause myself an incredible amount of stress and frustration. Accepting the reality doesn’t mean I give up on making improvements, though. It just means I have more peace in the moment. So I’ve traded the negative self-talk for encouraging thoughts: “Every day I do my exercises, I’m getting stronger.” And I’m taking purposeful, small steps – literally – towards my goal. (It’s working!)

“I’ll Be Happy When…”

February 20, 2013emilydownward

I have spent so much time looking ahead, looking forward to my next achievement. “I’ll be happy when I have ________” is what runs through my head. There are two problems with this way of thinking. One, I’m not in the present moment, grateful for and happy with what I have now (and all we have is Now). And two, when I get my fill-in-the-blank, I often find I’m not as happy as I thought I’d be.

At least I’m on to myself. I know I tend to do this future focusing. When I catch myself, I bring myself back to the present by breathing and focusing on my body. Then I find as many things as possible in my current reality that I’m grateful for. Sometimes, when you’re in a really sucky place, this could be a simple thing like the fact you’re still breathing or that the sun is shining. Anything that shifts you into a state of gratitude works!

The only reason we want things (or to achieve things) is because we want how we think it will make us feel. Ask yourself, “What will I feel when I get __________?”

As I work on growing my business, I’m in a pattern of trying and failing, trying and failing, trying and nearly succeeding, etc. There have been some successes (more things to be grateful for!), and I’m learning TONS along the way. I am still dedicated to my vision. I know in my heart I’m in the right job to best use my talents. Still, the failures and near misses are currently more prevalent than the successes. When I get discouraged, I remember the value in going back to the basics: What do I want, and what will I feel when I get that?

When I’ve identified what I want, I can go about breaking that goal into smaller steps and then taking those steps to get closer to the achievement. Equally important for me is the feeling state. When I know what feeling I’m looking to achieve, I can find ways to achieve that now, while I’m still taking steps towards my goal.

For example, one of the things I want to include in my coaching is to work with companies to help teams have more passion and joy in what they do, creating teams that work well together, and creating more success and efficiency for both the individual and the company. I have a clear vision of what it looks like, what type of people would hire me, and what kind of coaching tools I would use to help them learn more about themselves and connect with their passion and joy. When I ask what I will feel when I’m doing this, the answers include joy, fun, pride in my work, and a sense of fulfillment in helping others. How can I feel these things now? I get all of this out of coaching people, but I also can tap into those feeling states by reading the testimonials my clients have written about me or volunteering. I try to regularly tap into joy and fun, whether it’s sharing laughter with a friend (like the kind of laughter my youngest niece had when she recently told her sister, “You laughed a toot right out of me!”) or watching a cute video online.

Goals are important, and I believe in having a strong vision for where you want to go. But equally important is enjoying your Now. Find ways to be thankful for where you are and what you have in the present moment, and find ways to feel what you want to feel then now, because there’s no time like the present to start feeling better.

What Are You Waiting For?

February 13, 2013emilydownward

I was a senior in high school when the movie Dead Poets Society came out. In it, an unconventional English teacher, played by Robin Williams, inspires his students to seize the day. “Carpe Diem!” The Latin phrase became their rallying cry. I was moved by the movie and its message. What it meant to me was that we don’t know how long we have here on earth, our lives are meant to be fully lived, so take chances and go for your dreams.

I saw a great image on Facebook recently that said “The most dangerous risk of all – the risk of spending your life not doing what you want in the bet you can buy yourself the freedom to do it later.” Are you waiting for that point in the future, when you have enough money, when you have that degree, when you feel confident, when you have the right partner, to follow your heart’s desire? Sometimes, there’s no time like the present. Here’s what you CAN do now:

Define what “enough” is. The portion of our brain that resembles a reptile (officially the reptilian brain) is lovingly referred to by Martha Beck coaches as the Lizard. It is responsible for thoughts of lack and attack. The lack ideas are plentiful (not enough money, not enough credentials, not enough food, not good enough). One way to keep them in check is defining what enough is for you. How much money in savings will make you feel comfortable? If you don’t define it, you’ll never reach the nebulous “enough.” Putting a structure to it gives you a clear goal.
Bring pieces of your Future into your Now. How can you incorporate elements of what you want into your life now? If you want to change careers and have identified what you want to do, consider what activities you can start doing now. This might include anything from reading books about your new area to joining online or local discussion groups to practicing your craft. Finding ways to bring your future state into your present state will give you some of that joy now and make your transition easier.
Take small steps. When people ask me about my career transition, it often seems like I suddenly took a huge leap. I did have to leap a bit, but behind the scenes were many small steps that made the actual leap less frightening. Break things down into small steps and take those small steps each day. Go between keeping your eye on the larger goal (eagle view) to focusing on what you can do today (mouse view) to get one step closer. While it may seem that your progress is slow, remember that those small steps add up. It is far better to take a small step than be overwhelmed and not making any forward progress.

In the movie, Robin Williams tells his students, “You must strive to find your own voice. Because the longer you wait to begin, the less likely you are to find it at all. Thoreau said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation.” Don’t be resigned to that. Break out!”

Carpe Diem.

Being Unabashedly You

January 16, 2013emilydownward

One of my favorite assessments I ask my clients to complete is the Kolbe A Index. Based in decades of research, the Kolbe A Index measures your conative style, or how you take action. It focuses on what you do well, and learning more about your unique conative style can help you to leverage your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.

I’ll admit, I’m an assessment junkie. I love taking quizzes, from the serious to the silly, and learning more about myself in the process…or at least getting some frivolous fun from the results. Getting my results from the Kolbe A Index was the most validating to me, and I felt like a huge piece of the puzzle was snapped into place. As spiritual beings in this human experience, I think it’s natural that we ask ourselves “Who am I?” and “What am I meant to do?” For me, learning about how and why I do things the way I do was a fantastic revelation.

Of course, assessments like this are only as good as the application. Learning about my instinctual action mode has enabled me to leverage my strengths as I go about my daily work. Sometimes we all need a bit of prodding or bribing to get done tasks we’d rather forget. For me, deadlines (albeit realistic ones) are essential. If I don’t have a deadline, the task often languishes at the bottom of my To-Do list for weeks. I also know I prefer to have some sort of process to follow, although I like to modify processes when needed. If I’m starting out on an initiative that I don’t have a process for, providing myself with structure of any kind helps get me out of paralysis.

Kathy Kolbe, creator of the Kolbe A Index, provides an audio summary of your results, and I admire and appreciate how she highlights the value of each type, explaining how someone just like you has such a necessary role to play in our world. As she says, “Who you are is who you were meant to be.” So often we measure ourselves against others or try to do something the way we’ve been taught is the “right way.” I encourage you to forge your own path, do it your way, and celebrate what makes you uniquely you.

Opportunities for Growth

November 7, 2012emilydownward

I used to dread that time of year. You know the one, annual performance review time. Of course, it’s nice to think you might get a raise or a promotion you’ve been eyeing, but even with those potential silver linings, you still have to sit through about an hour of listening to someone point out your shortcomings and provide you with a list of things to improve. (And if you’re a manager, in addition to looking forward to your own review, you have one or several reviews to put together yourself!) We all know we have shortcomings, but it’s more painful to have someone else point them out to you then realizing it yourself, isn’t it?

Oh sure, they call them things like “opportunities for growth.” Positive sounding stuff, but you know it’s really “What You Don’t Do Well.”

And we always focus more on the bad stuff than the good stuff, don’t we? There can be 12 things you excel at and you’ll focus on the one that receives an Unsatisfactory score. (Or as Julia Robert’s character in Pretty Woman said, “The bad stuff is easier to believe.”)

Our culture is geared toward improving weaknesses to improve performance. Watching out for the negative is a natural human tendency, created out of a survival habit where looking out for danger kept us alive. But constantly looking for what’s wrong takes the focus off of What’s Right. And What’s Right is what makes you special. What can you do that no one else does as well? Or what combination of skills makes you unique?

Marcus Buckingham has written several fantastic books on focusing on your strengths. He defines strengths as things that you do well that also give you energy. We all have things we can do well that drain us – that’s not what we should focus on. Instead, ask yourself, When am I doing great work that energizes me?

Focusing on and enhancing your strengths not only leads to more personal satisfaction in your job, it also positively impacts company performance. The Gallup Organization has conducted ongoing surveys of workers in companies around the world to explore what makes companies and teams great. One question showed the greatest correlation to the most business outcomes:

At work, do you have the chance to do what you do best every day?

Teams whose members strongly agree that they have the chance to play to their strengths every day are:

38% more likely to be high-productivity teams
44% more likely to earn high customer satisfaction scores
50% more likely to have high employee retention rates

Do you know your strengths? How can you spend more of your time (at work and outside of work) utilizing and focusing on those?

Knowing Your Why

October 24, 2012emilydownward

One of the tools in my coach tool belt actually comes from Toyota. The Japanese automobile manufacturers came up with a simple but highly effective way of determining the root cause of an issue by asking a series of “Why” questions. As a coach, I often use this with my clients to help them understand their motivation behind their actions, thoughts or fears. You can also use this on your own through journaling.

Understanding why you do what you do is critical if you want to change a behavior. For example, if you notice that you tend to hit the break room and gorge on junk food when you’re under a lot of stress at work, digging into the Why can help you find more healthy and effective ways of handling your emotions.

Understanding your Why is also important to realizing your goals and feeling fulfillment. We all need to have a sense of purpose, to feel like what we’re doing matters, whether that’s on a small or large scale. When I was in a job that felt like it was sucking the life out of me, big shifts internally – which preceded the external shifts – happened when I started asking myself why I was doing the job. The title did fluff my feathers a bit, I’ll admit. And the money was really good and made obtaining material things fun for a while. At first, I also enjoyed the challenge of the work. But when those things became less important to me, I realized I needed to find another way to make a living that was more in line with my values.

Why do I coach people on career issues and challenges? The tools and training I’ve received have given me so much freedom and peace from the limiting and painful thoughts (that I didn’t realize I was creating), and I want to give others that same freedom to allow them to fulfill their own goals. I have experienced time and again that coaching works, both personally by getting coached and with my own clients, and I love being in the position to help others find their purpose and joy in their work.

So what’s your why? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

Embracing Anger

October 17, 2012emilydownward

Anger is a tricky emotion for me, not one I generally enjoy. For years, I pushed it away, buried it inside or just avoided it altogether. Of course, this doesn’t work. Stuffing any emotion causes a negative reaction in the body. I’ve heard “Emotion” defined as “energy in motion,” and when we dam it inside, stifle it, it’s similar to shaking up a soda can just before you open it. The energy builds up, ready to blow.
I still don’t enjoy all my emotions, like anger, but I’ve become a student of them. I see them as teachers, as feedback, trying to tell me something. Feeling them also allows them to pass, where stuffing them keeps them around for a lot longer.
If you – like me for many years – have a difficult time feeling your emotions, I highly recommend breathwork, yoga or a similar form of exercise. I was recently in a challenging yoga class and while trying to keep up with the instructor’s series of poses (and not doing too well), I suddenly was FILLED with anger. Anger at myself, anger at my current situation, even a little anger at the teacher for expecting too much of me. Fortunately, I was with a group of people I trust and can be vulnerable around. While still uncomfortable for me, I allowed the tears to come and sank into child’s pose to let it all out. I became the “watcher of my thoughts,” as Eckhart Tolle calls it, and noticed all the dirty-pain thoughts that were coming up. As I described in this video, our thoughts precede our feelings, so finding the thoughts provides me with the map to where to follow up with some coaching at a later time. In the moment, though, I just felt the anger.
Anger is often an emotion that spurs us to action. Anger can inspire someone to fight for justice, search for answers, or create a new solution to a problem. And what I’ve learned is letting them course through my body and truly feeling them allows me to get to a clearer state of mind where I can make decisions from a place of peace.
Wishing you a peace-filled week.