career coach

Getting Through the Muck

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“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” ~ Pema ChödrönA coach friend called me recently to catch up. She is near and dear to me, but we hadn’t spoken in about four weeks. The last four weeks have been quite a rollercoaster for me, and I’ve gotten so used to riding along, it wasn’t until I heard her response that I realized it’s true: I’ve had a lot going on. A lot of chaos and unknown and just crappy stuff.

I’m in the midst of a cross-country move, going from the Charlotte, NC area to just north of San Diego, CA. My boyfriend received a well-deserved promotion, and we both were thrilled with the opportunity to live in the San Diego area. Being a corporate relocation, the move is being coordinated by my boyfriend’s company. I was grateful, having moved from Austin to Charlotte earlier this year and not completely looking forward to doing it again. Unfortunately, every single step of this process has gone badly, including lack of communication and miscommunication with the coordinator, the poor skills and sloppiness of the packers, multiple delays of the movers, careless handling of our stuff by the movers (they dropped at least three boxes that I saw), the damage to our vehicles by the shippers, and difficulty in obtaining permanent housing due to the shortage of available properties where we want to live. We’ve been put in a temporary apartment for the past month – it’s incredibly small, especially considering we are both working from home, and the traffic noise from the nearby busy street keeps us awake. (I’m happy to report that we finally get into a permanent place next week!)

My hip has been paining me for several months, slowly getting more painful and less flexible. I’ve gone from a triathlon last year to using crutches and a cane to get around. It significantly worsened (pain and inability to walk) while we were moving out of our place in the Charlotte area. I figured I had overdone it and with rest it would get better…but it hasn’t. Before the move, I saw an orthopedic surgeon who said I needed surgery, but I purposefully delayed it until we are settled in our new place. I’ve now seen an orthopedic surgeon in California who recommends a cortisone shot. I’m holding tightly to the belief that this will fix it.

I supplement my coaching income with some consulting work, and the company I’ve been working for has recently changed the terms of our arrangement. While I know that they want to continue to work with me (yes!), my future income is less predictable.

Suffice it to say, I have a LOT of uncertainty in my life. It’s very disconcerting and frightening and scary. So much unknown.

I realized that in some ways, I’ve gotten used to the chaos. I’ve been able to switch between eagle view – taking the big picture, and knowing that this will pass and will someday seem like a very small time frame – and mouse view – focusing solely on what is directly in front of me. It’s not necessarily one day at a time but sometimes just one step, literally. It’s what I learned to get myself through the triathlon: when I looked far in the distance and was overwhelmed by the hill I was biking or the distance I had to run, I put my head down and just looked two feet in front of me. I asked myself, can you go that far (2 feet)? Well, yes, of course. It’s so easy. And then repeat. Breaking down any large project into tiny, infinitesimal steps makes it nearly easy to achieve, and therefore more likely to lead to progress, rather than being paralyzed by overwhelm.

I read a great blog post recently by Danielle LaPorte on how validating your pain is the first step to getting stronger. It’s so true. It was so nice to hear my friend validate that I’ve got a lot going on. I’ve been trying desperately not to focus on all the negativity and frustration and pain I’m experiencing, but ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. “What we resist, persists.” So I’m putting it all out here, to give you the permission to share your own pain, and to give hope to others who are struggling through their own desert of uncertainty. Find support for your struggle, and then press on, one step at a time, and know that this too shall pass.

Recap of the World Domination Summit

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I attended the World Domination Summit last weekend in Portland. Led by Chris Guillebeau with the idea of “living a remarkable life in a conventional world,” the conference inspires positive social change. Here are a few takeaways from my experience:

  • I found Pam Slim’s the Art of Action seminar to be practical and inspiring. She gave us a simple formula to begin taking action on our dreams and asked us to brainstorm with the person next to us. The quick collaboration gave me a new idea to approach my goal of presenting and coaching within companies, and I have a straightforward list of actions and deadlines, as well as a new buddy for accountability.
  • I enjoyed Darren Rowse’s presentation on the main stage about the importance of dreams, and his breakout session with Chris Garrett was chock-full of best practices for blogging. I’m using one of their tips right now by asking you, reader: What topics or questions would you be interested in me covering on this blog? Leave a comment to this post below.
  • I found Steve Schalchlin’s performance (piano and singing) incredibly moving. Through his songs, he tells the story of his experience with HIV in the mid-90’s and the amazing return to life from death’s door when he was chosen through a lottery to receive a new medication. He calls his life now as “living in the bonus round,” and his message of hope and triumph were inspiring.
  • Donald Miller was the final speaker, and he shared his story and experience about stepping out of the false self we create to avoid shame and showing who we truly are. He spoke from the heart, and his authenticity gave strength to his message.

A lot of emphasis throughout the weekend was on entrepreneurship, and while the audience was largely entrepreneurs or those who want to leave their corporate job, I was surprised that there wasn’t any discussion on making a difference from within an organization. It was proudly mentioned several times that WDS is not sponsored by any corporations, but it seemed that the massive impact that corporations can have for good was completely overlooked. Not everyone wants to be an entrepreneur. Fortunately, you can still have a positive impact on the world, especially your world and those around you, by being a force for good where you are.
“The future is not some place we are going, but one we are creating. The paths are not to be found, but made. And the activity of making them changes both the maker and the destination.”~ John H. Schaar

Personal Independence

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“Those who really desire to attain an independence, have only set their minds upon it, and adopt the proper means, as they do in regard to any other object which they wish to accomplish, and the thing is easily done.” ~ P. T. BarnumHere in the U.S., we celebrate Independence Day tomorrow. I’m celebrating with my sweetie by travelling up to Portland where we’ll be attending the World Domination Summit over the weekend. (If you’re not familiar with WDS, it’s all about positive social change, started by author Chris Guillebeau. This will be my first year attending, and I’m excited about the planned content and speakers.)

What does independence mean to you? Is it about having enough money to do what you want when you want? Is it having time to rest, create and play? Is it being your own boss and setting your own schedule?

I have found it so helpful and illuminating to define exactly what I want. After all, if you don’t know what you want, it’s very challenging to chart your course to get it. I get most clarity by writing, so I make lists or descriptions of what I want in my journal, being as specific as feels good to me. It may sound simple, but it can be a very eye-opening because pesky thoughts about not being good enough or not being worthy may pop up as I begin to dream big. Cleaning up those thoughts (using Byron Katie’s The Work) helps me clear the path and get my brain to work FOR me instead of getting in my own way.

If independence doesn’t get your creative juices flowing, try defining success. Then make a list of what you want – it’s important to focus on what you want, not what you don’t, so write in the affirmative. If you’re feeling too separated from what you might really want, start with broad strokes and begin to notice what people, activities and events bring you energy and joy.

My Personal Tutor: My Hip

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Pain is a persistent teacher. It tells you when to stop and when to ask for help.My teacher Martha Beck stresses the importance of listening to the wisdom in our bodies. Our bodies are talking to us all the time, and I’ve heard that the body is primarily how our souls communicate to us. Of course, it’s a more subtle conversation than the constant chatter of our minds. Over the past couple years, I’ve gotten a lot better at listening, but I have to admit, I recently missed a big one. Guess what? If you don’t pay attention, the body gets louder to get your attention.

About nine months ago, I started having pain in my right hip. It was annoying and making it more difficult to run, but I pushed on, convinced it was due to muscle weakness and the scoliosis I’ve had since my teens. I began doing strengthening exercises and continued to run. It didn’t get better. Swimming seemed easier but wasn’t always accessible. I tried ice, heat, deep tissue massage, acupuncture – all with limited success. Running was soon out of the picture, but I kept walking and joined a yoga studio, thinking the stretching and strengthening would help. The pain continued. One day my favorite yoga teacher told us all at the beginning of class to consider this yoga practice as a conversation with our bodies and reminded us that conversations include listening. A light bulb moment for me, as I realized I had been pushing my body to do the advanced poses, trying to prove to myself, the teacher and my classmates that I was good enough to be there. I began to listen a little more.

I finally asked my doctor about it, got a referral to an orthopedic surgeon, and discovered I have a tear in the cartilage in my hip (due in part to scoliosis, the way I’m made, and in part due to repetitive motion). All the exercises I’ve been doing have probably made it worse, which is why the pain is increasing. I’m now at the point where I can barely walk, and I have humbly had to utilize a wheelchair in the airport and rented a motorized scooter for a recent convention. I’m planning on getting surgery soon, but in the meantime, I’m using this as a lesson. And I’m finding that the insights I’m having from this apply to the rest of my life as well:

  1. I need to listen more. Yeah, this is pretty obvious. I am working on listening and not judging – if my body says “I’m not walking,” I need to honor that. This applies to the rest of my life, too, because I often forget to listen first and jump into talking and sharing my POV right away.
  2. Go slowly. To be able to walk at all right now, I need to go VERY slowly. If I don’t, my hip either completely gives out or the pain intensifies even more. In our society, the pace of life has gotten so fast, and this injury has forced me to slow down. It makes me more conscious of what is going on around me.
  3. Focus on one thing at a time. Be mindful. I am used to doing many things almost at once, but again, my hip is forcing me to concentrate. If I try to pivot or spin around while walking (like in the kitchen), I get a sharp pain or the hip gives out. While multitasking has become the norm, researchers have proven that we really can only do one thing at a time. In my current state, I must be mindful of what I am doing and how I am doing it. It’s a good exercise in focusing, and I can use more of that in everything I do.
  4. Rest and recover. A lot. I like to do a lot of different things, and there is so much I want to do. I push myself to do more, such as trying to squeeze in an errand on the way to an appointment, or carrying what my dad would call “a lazy man’s load,” piling many things into my hands and arms to transport from one place in the house to another, which nearly always results in something being dropped. Now, I’m finding that I need a LOT of rest, including time for just putting my feet up and time for sleep. And I’ve had to battle with my inner taskmaster who thinks this is lazy and at odds with being an entrepreneur.
  5. Be willing to ask for help. This one is tough for me, but again, the state my hip is in now has made it a necessity. I have had to ask a lot of people for help, particularly my partner. I have realized how much of my self-esteem is wrapped up in what I do, and this has made me question that. Who am I if I can’t do everything I’m used to? What do I have to offer if I’m not able to do that?

Pain is a persistent teacher. It tells you when to stop and when to ask for help. Of course, you have to listen. May you listen to the whispers of your own body as it shares its wisdom with you.

Making It Easy

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We all have things to do that we don’t necessarily enjoy. Some of us have A LOT of things in our life we don’t enjoy. Some of us look around and have so much in our life that is making us unhappy, we wonder how we got to this place. It seems like we’re stuck. We trudge through, suffer through, telling ourselves that life is tough but we will persevere, or maybe that “this is my lot in life” and wonder when it’s going to get easier, when it will be our turn.

I’ve experienced this, both in my professional and personal life. I felt completely stuck, not knowing which direction to go in next when it seemed everything was not going right. Even though I’m now in a job I love, working with people I adore and have a fantastic flexible schedule, those thoughts still come up sometimes. “Why is this so difficult?” I ask myself.

Now, when I hear myself saying something is “difficult,” it’s my cue that I am most likely making things more difficult than they actually are and it’s time to start investigating my thoughts. Our thoughts cause our feelings, which influence our actions. Cleaning up the thoughts goes right to the source of the problem and enables me to take action from a much better place.

To clean up my thoughts, I use Byron Katie’s The Work. (I highly recommend you check out her free resources online.) And after doing that, I ask myself instead, “How can I make this easier?”
“Stress is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are.” ~ Chinese Proverb

The Messy Side of Becoming

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[My lovely teacher Martha Beck developed the Cycle of Change model that describes the process we go through with any major change. It begins with Square One: Death & Rebirth. I’ve been experiencing a lot of major change this year and getting intimately familiar with Square One. I thought I’d share my experience in hopes it sheds a little light for someone else.]

I think what’s so hard about Square 1 is the Death part. I have some friends who beautifully model a graceful embracing of death and dying. I value that quality and thought I was making strides towards that, but there’s this petulant part of me that is more like child that doesn’t want to go to sleep and miss something. I cling to who I once was, or what I thought I was, or, more aptly, my old way of thinking. The kicker is, even if I didn’t really completely like everything about who I once was, I still cling to it all just because of its familiarity, rather than seeing this as an opportunity to jettison those parts that weren’t working and create something new that fits better.

Logically, I know that death is a part of life, and that it’s the natural order and cycle of things. But emotionally, I struggle with the grief, fear, sadness, and anger. I fear the feelings will be permanent, so I resist them (thereby prolonging them, ironically). I try to mask my feelings, pretending everything’s fine, which takes so much more energy and creates dissonance inside me as my heart yearns to speak the truth. I dip my toe into the feelings and feel nearly overwhelmed by the undertow, so I quickly jump back on to the shore of resistance. There I am, clinging to the sand as the waves are sweeping it out of my clenched fists anyway. It’s painful to hold on, but I’m more afraid of letting go. But at some point, the pain gets to be too much, and I feel like quitting, giving up. “What’s the point of it all?” I feel like screaming.

Still petulant, I say to the Universe, “Fine! I give up!” and I let go. I let go of everything. I let go of my ideas and my dreams of who I thought I was and what I wanted so badly, and I let go of the pain of trying to be okay. I fall into the depths of my emotion. Falling, falling, I relax and let it carry me down. But then, I’m not down. There’s peace. Glorious peace that feels like a balm of contentment. Having finally let go, I can see new possibilities. I have so many more options than just the one I was clinging to. And I don’t have to let go of my dreams, it’s just the plans I had to get there that have changed.

I can see light again, the calm after the storm. And it feels so sweet. Still scary, as I navigate new territory that I haven’t been through before. I feel as vulnerable as a crab that’s just outgrown its shell, having split the old shelter and crawled my way out, I find that my new self is tender and exposed. But also hopeful. And I know the contrast between the storm and the peaceful aftermath are what make it so sweet, even though I wish I could bypass the storm altogether. (Maybe next time? Nah, probably not.)

“To be fully alive, fully human, and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest. To live fully is to be always in no-man's-land, to experience each moment as completely new and fresh. To live is to be willing to die over and over again. ” ~ Pema Chödrön

Energizers vs. Drainers

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“The energy of the mind is the essence of life.” ~ AristotleThere are two kinds of people in this world: people who energize you and people who drain you.

Those who energize you leave you feeling better. You catch a sense of their confidence in you and find yourself thinking more positively. You find time with them just flies by and you can’t wait to spend more time with them. And I’m not just talking about love relationships either. These are the people in your life that you always count among your blessings, who inspire you and provide a safe space for you to just be you.

And then there are the drainers, those people who, for whatever reason, zap the energy right out of you. They may be people who need constant reinforcement and attention, who always want more, more, more (the term hungry ghosts comes to mind – you can never fill them). Or they could be the downers in your life that always look for how things can never work out and give you all the reasons why you should worry, prepare for ultimate doom, and just give up now. Maybe you don’t know exactly why, but after spending time with them, you feel completely and utterly spent.

If you’re lucky, you can surround yourself in your personal and professional life with only those who energize you. More likely, you have some energizers and some drainers in your family, social circle and at work. So how do you keep the drainers from depleting your energy resources?

  • Awareness. It sounds so simple, and yet, if you’re not conscious about it, you can’t change it. Start noticing how you feel after interactions with different people.
  • Reduce exposure, where possible. Think of it like x-rays: a couple dental x-rays are okay, but you don’t want full-body radiation all the time. When and where you can, limit your time and exposure to the drainers. For example, I love my relatives dearly but some drain the life force right out of me. I try to reduce the duration of time I spend with them to a couple hours at any one time when possible.
  • Balance with energizers. We can’t always limit our exposure to the drainers, so find ways you can fill up your energy deficit by scheduling in time with people or activities that raise you up. When I was in the corporate world, even a quick walk around the block or taking the stairs instead of the elevator between floors gave me a chance to breathe and reflect.
  • Set a boundary. This may sound crazy, but try it with an open mind. I don’t know how it works, but I know it does. Before you encounter the drainers in your life, or at the beginning of your day, imagine a boundary around you, like an orb that completely surrounds you. The surface is semi-permeable: love can pass through. All other stuff is kept out. Try it and see if you can feel a difference.

I recently read a great analogy on energy that resonated with me. Think of your energy for each given day as a bowl with 24 beads in it. You get to choose how you want to spend them, but you only have so many. Make conscious decisions about how and on whom you want to spend your energy beads, and don’t forget to keep a few for yourself.

Instead of Worrying

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Difficult_timesI’m writing my blog post early this week, as this Wednesday I’ll be getting oral surgery. Eek. Probably one of my LEAST favorite things to do, and unfortunately, I’ve had my share of dental procedures over the years. I can describe the procedure to others, and when I see their reaction – wincing or pretend gagging – I realize I’m a bit detached from it. If I truly think about what the procedure entails, I get a little queasy myself.

I’ve known for several months that this procedure was going to happen, and there were times when I could easily get into feeling anxiety and dread, not to mention feeling sorry for myself that I have to go through this.  My thoughts would churn, and my imagination would create all the worst-case scenarios. Our brain is so powerful, we can create something out of nothing. This can be used for great effect, such as any creative person can attest, or it can be used to create a lot of extra stress for yourself. Since the body reacts (with cortisol and adrenalin) to real or imagined threats, your thoughts can easily create a state of fight or flight. (I’ve written before about the effects of fight or flight on creativity, as well as the easiest way to get out of that state.)

I didn’t spend too much time worrying – I’ll admit, I did some – but I don’t find it to be a very productive use of my time or my mind. Worrying steals your peace in the present, and it doesn’t change what is going to happen. In fact, it may even prepare your mind to expect the worst, rather than the ideal, outcome. And the mind is a powerful tool. Numerous studies have shown the results of setting and focusing on positive intentions.

So here’s how I’ve prepared:

  • Take responsibility for my decisions. I realized this is my choice. I don’t HAVE TO get this procedure. I am choosing to, because I am looking forward to the completed, and better, outcome. Switching from “I have to” to “I choose to” is more than simple word choice. It switches me from being in the powerless role to one that is empowered.
  • Stay in the present. The procedure itself only lasts an hour or two, and the recovery time will be a few days. If I choose to worry about it, I can extend that misery for MONTHS. Staying focused on what’s present enables me to enjoy myself more, and I’m all for feeling good.
  • Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I have prepared for the contingencies, but I have spent most of my energy focusing on what I want the outcome to be.

If you’ve got something you’re not looking forward to doing, such as firing an employee, getting a performance review that you know isn’t going to be great, or even giving a presentation in front of a critical audience, calm your worrying mind by taking responsibility – recognizing your control in the situation, staying in the present moment, and using your mind to imagine positive outcomes. While you may not be able to change the fact that something unpleasant is going to occur, you will (at the very least) make your present much more enjoyable. And you may just impact the future outcome in a positive light, too.

Five Steps to Move Past Self Doubt

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What if I fail?

What if I’m not good enough?

This will never work.

How the hell am I going to do this?

I don’t know what to do next, but I should do something. What am I supposed to do?

Who do I think I am?

What if I make a mistake (AGAIN)?

What if I’m making the wrong choice?

Ah, my old friend Self Doubt. There have been times in my life when I felt confident, but it seems those times are fewer than the ones in which I’ve been accompanied by my steadfast companion Self Doubt. I honestly thought, by this point in my life, I would be past all this nonsense, that I would have mastered the doubts and felt more sure of myself and my abilities. Lately, I’ve stopped trying to get rid of it. I’ve come to accept that Doubt’s along for the ride. In fact, as long as I keep trying new things – and I do so love new experiences and challenges – then Self Doubt will continue to be my companion.

“Like all explorers, we are drawn to discover what's out there without knowing yet if we have the courage to face it.” ~ Pema ChödrönI’ll admit, there are times when Self Doubt gets the better of me, when I am so wrapped up in all the “what if’s” and “I can’t’s” that I’m paralyzed into indecision. But I’ve found that these simple steps can help me continue to move forward:

  1. Speak your fears. Often times, the fears seem so large in my head, but if I actually say them out loud to a compassionate witness, they are so silly I might even laugh. Speaking them out loud can take the energy right out of them. It’s important to find the right person to share them with – I highly recommend NOT saying them to someone you know is a worry-wort. Bless their hearts, but they will just stir it up to be worse and more fearful. Find someone you know can provide calm, honest feedback, and if you don’t have someone like this, hire a coach to be your sounding board.
  2. It’s all feedback. Evaluate your fears and determine which have merit. They may be trying to tell you something, like you need to do more research or preparation. Or they may just be frightened in general. It helps me to evaluate them from a higher perspective, taking myself out of the moment and looking at it from the broad picture of my life.
  3. Minimize risk where possible. If your doubts have merit, address those issues to minimize risk where you can. Determine what is acceptable risk to you, and realize that for each of us that’s different.
  4. Wait to worry. What do you know and what do you not know? Focus on what you know, and wait to worry about the possible outcomes until you know more. There is always time to worry about that later. (Or not.)
  5. Take a leap of faith. At some point, you’re going to have to take that leap, or at least a step, into the unknown. After you have done the research, made preparations as best you can, and addressed the potential risks, take a chance. It actually helps me to think of worst-case scenarios and figure out how I would deal with them. Yes, I may fail. I have failed before, some real whoppers of failures, and I have survived them. This too shall pass.

(Full disclosure: I had doubts about posting this.)

Counting My Blessings

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“Because you are alive, everything is possible.”~ Thich Nhat Hanh“Is your life as fabulous as it looks on Facebook?” I was recently asked by a friend I hadn’t spoken to in awhile.

So I’ve decided to come clean: Yes and No.

How my life isn’t as fabulous as it looks on Facebook: I’ve had some crappy days lately. I don’t post about that. Actually, after attempting to get through it on my own, I finally “broke down” and asked for help from some of my trusted and loving colleagues (my ego hates to admit this, but it’s true, I can’t do it all alone). Coaches rock!

How my life IS as fabulous as it looks on Facebook: Even on the crappy days, I count my blessings. I know how lucky I am to have found someone amazing to share love, to have a loving family, to have an incredible group of friends, colleagues, and past colleagues who are supportive and inspiring. I am so thankful to know my passion for coaching and to be a certified coach. I have phenomenal clients that I get to work with, and to watch them grow in their confidence and realize their dreams is my distinct honor.

The field of positive psychology, the basics of which I apply in my life and in my coaching and find myself craving even more, focuses on increasing people’s resiliency, our ability to bend without breaking, to bounce back when life knocks us down. One of the quick ways to help yourself is by using the ratio of 3:1. For every negative experience, have 3 positive ones to increase your positive emotion over negative emotion. Interestingly, the frequency is more important than the intensity, so even if you count the simple positive things, it can work. I think this also helps by focusing your attention on what you do want rather than what you don’t want. Positivity, besides just feeling good, also broadens your mind and inspires you to be more creative. It also leads to stronger relationships with others. All these benefits can give you even more positive experiences to cherish.

Oh, and another thing? Positivity is contagious! (Did you catch it?)