career coach – Page 2 – Emily Downward

7 Signs that It’s Time to Change Jobs

January 23, 2014emilydownward

When I started my career, I had the belief (instilled by my parents and what worked in their generation) that you stay with a company for the long-haul. Of course, that has changed dramatically, and hiring managers don’t negatively view a resume with multiple companies. (However, it’s still a bit suspicious if someone only stays at a place for a year or less.)

Our human propensity for homeostasis and fear of the unknown can keep us stuck, perhaps staying too long in a no-win situation. Here are 7 symptoms that indicate you may need to shift something at work:

You dread going into work. Sunday night panic attacks, Monday morning queasiness, and your shoulders tied in knots are regular occurrences. This is more than the mild letdown after a great weekend or vacation. I’m talking about that sick-to-your-stomach feeling, thoughts of “I don’t know how much longer I can do this” and debating whether to call in sick for your mental health.
You look around and realize you don’t respect or want to emulate any of your superiors. ‘Nuff said.
You are asked to do things against your own moral or ethical values. When you go against your own values, you disrespect yourself and your self-esteem suffers.
You’re not given the resources (time, staff, equipment, other) to do your job well. Despite multiple attempts on your part to make things better (including asking for help and more resources), your efforts are thwarted and/or you get no support.
You aren’t learning anything new or given new challenges to develop your skill set. We want to evolve in life, and part of living is learning. If you’ve stopped learning and being challenged, it’s time to look elsewhere for growth.
Your boss is sadistic. Life is too short, and you deserve to be treated fairly. Abusive relationships, whether in your personal life or professional life, are unacceptable. Save yourself by getting out.
You’re consistently overlooked and underappreciated. If you are achieving your goals and meeting your responsibilities and don’t get recognition for your accomplishments consistently – and by consistently, I don’t mean just once – you may want to look for a more supportive environment. Recognition can come in many forms, including salary, bonuses, verbal praise, company publicity, promotions, etc.

If you are experiencing one or more of the above, (or if you’re Googling “how to know when to quit your job”) you may be a prime candidate for a job change. However, I encourage you to end your job on a clean note: don’t burn any bridges. I’ll write more next week about ending cleanly. Until then, you may want to check out my free Remedy for Mondayitis to create an empowered mindset to take into your work week.

Take Charge of Your Thoughts

January 15, 2014emilydownward

Our brains can be one of our biggest assets in helping us achieve amazing feats and seemingly impossible goals…or they can be our biggest liability in keeping us small, low and stuck.

I’m not sure when I became more aware of my thoughts, but it’s been a huge revelation for me in changing my life and shifting from days where I was barraged with depression, loneliness, anxiety and overwhelm to days with more peace, happiness and contentment. I certainly don’t feel like I’ve reached nirvana: I still have some days when I forget that I can choose my thoughts, and I slide down the tunnel, following the spiraling train of negative crap that my inner voice knows how to do so well. But I’m getting much better at catching it and stopping it.

The brain always searches for evidence to prove our thoughts true. So if you’re in a rut of thinking “I can’t handle this” or “My life is out of control,” your brain will look for examples of how that is true. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more evidence your brain finds, the stronger that thought becomes in your mind.

Learning to become aware of your thoughts can be a process. Even now, I often ask for assistance from a fellow coach to help me see what I’m not seeing. It may be easier to start with how you’re feeling. Identifying what emotions are coming up for you can help you identify the thoughts driving those emotions. For example, “I can’t handle this” may bring up feelings of panic, anger, fear, and/or overwhelm. Shifting the thought to a question “how could I best handle this?” or even dissecting the issue and moving to “I can handle this piece right now” puts you more in a state of control and will shift your emotions to curiosity and confidence.

You are so much more than your thoughts. Remember to choose the thoughts that serve you in doing your best work, living your best life.

Finding Your Focus for 2014

January 8, 2014emilydownward

I like the opportunity of a new year. It is ripe for fresh starts, and the turn of the calendar reminds me of a clean slate to begin anew.

Perhaps it’s because I work in the self-help arena, but I have been bombarded with marketing messages to join new programs that promise to fix me. It’s exhausting and overwhelming. It could be overwhelming because of where I am in my life…I’m dreaming and scheming about what I want my Next to look and feel like.

Often, when I am searching for answers to those big life questions like “What do I do now?” or “What am I supposed to be?” I find myself signing up for classes, buying lots of books and consulting the Experts. I’ve done my share of that in the past few months, diving in and learning a lot. But interestingly, the answers to the questions I’m asking can’t come from outside of me. They have to come from inside.

So as I begin this new year, I find myself simplifying more. I have chosen to focus on a few key areas to learn more about that will help me personally and help me be a better coach. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed, I remind myself of my focus and purpose for this year and question if the thoughts or activities I’m considering are in service with that purpose. If they’re not, I drop them and consciously choose to direct my thoughts and actions towards my purpose again. It’s only the second week, but I already feel clearer by doing this.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed already by all the demands on your time, all the goals you want to accomplish, and all the dreams you want to create in your reality, I invite you to simplify with me. Choose one or two ideas, concepts or activities you want to focus on. You can do this mentally, as I am, being aware of your thoughts and feelings and directing them back on track when needed. Or, you can write yourself reminders, posting a word or phrase in a place you will see it daily, like the bathroom mirror, your computer monitor or the refrigerator.

Wishing you a blessed and enlightening 2014.

Changing Habits

December 4, 2013emilydownward

Sometimes we make changes to our habits because we have to: we are faced with something so big that it’s obvious that we cannot continue to do things the way we’ve always done them. I’ve seen people make huge changes when faced with a serious diagnosis, an impending new addition to the family, or a change in employment.

Other times, we get the idea to make changes all on our own. We may decide to be healthier by eating better or exercising. We start a meditation practice or begin consciously using more positive thinking. We begin to see or feel a difference and gain some momentum with the new way of doing things.

And then, life turns up the heat. Stress escalates, as it sometimes does, and our default is to go back to our old programming – what we “know,” what feels comfortable. We eat the junk food or “comfort food” that we believe we deserve. We scrap the exercise or meditation because we are overwhelmed with the stress at hand.

It’s ironic that it is exactly these times of great stress when we need those healthy behaviors most of all.

Take, for example, the adage that we should drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. It feels good to be well hydrated. Our bodies and brains work better. Drinking adequate amounts of water helps with satiety, keeps our kidneys happy and helps flush out all sorts of things from our system. If you get a viral infection, like the common cold, what’s the number one advice? “Drink plenty of liquids.” Even though I KNOW that’s the advice, I always appreciate the reminder because I’m so focused on my stuffy nose or headache that I forget to do the basics.

This year, I had some massive stress, like a tsunami ran through my life. For a short while, I considered going back to my old ways. Fortunately, I listened to my body, which was all kinds of tense and anxious when considering that. I also had my amazing support team to help me keep focused on what’s best for me.

What serves us better is to keep on with our new, improved behaviors, even if they feel uncomfortable or if you doubt they will work or make a difference. Even if you doubt it – you KNOW the old ways don’t work. You’ve already proved that to yourself. Stick with the new ways, and give them a chance to create something new in your life. (I’m here to tell you…it’s working for me!)

I’m not Fine (And You Might Not Be Either)

September 25, 2013emilydownward

“Hi! How are you?”

“I’m fine. And you?”

“Fine. Nice seeing you!”

How many times do we have this type of conversation with people in our lives? It is appallingly shallow and so common and pervasive that it seems normal. But does that make it right? I recently learned this quote from Thomas Payne: “A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.”

As I’m going through a major transformation in my life – it makes every earlier transition period in my life seem inconsequential – I am finding I have no energy for the superficial. I have become much more protective of what I spend my time and energy on, as it is critical for me at this time. I hope I can keep this clarity and conviction to maintain healthy boundaries and doing what is right for me (not at the expense or detriment of anyone else), as it feels like I am honoring my soul or my essential self more than ever before.

I’m reading the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser, “how difficult times can help us grow.” In the first section, she talks about her years of study and experience in personal growth, both individually and as co-founder of the Omega Institute. She refers to the Sufi poet Rumi’s idea of the Open Secret – that each of us hides from others that we are human, that we stumble and fall, that we are afraid and grieve what we’ve lost, dreams and people. When we hide it all from others, they go away and think, “How does she do it all? How come she has it all together? What’s wrong with me?” The irony is that we are all hiding the same secret, making it not such a secret after all. And when you can open the door on your secret, you make it safe for another to open, too.

As my heart is broken open and seemingly bleeding all over the place, I can’t hold it in, so I’m not trying. When I encounter a dear friend or sister or even my caring dental hygienist yesterday who asks, “How are you?” I may begin to tear up or cry. Because truly, that’s often how I am right now: sad, broken-hearted. Most people have been loving and supportive and offer what words or gestures they can of consoling and hope. But others are so uncomfortable. I am not attached to their reaction, which is new for me, but perhaps it’s because I have enough to take care of myself right now. I find it fascinating that MY willingness to share my emotions and feelings makes THEM uncomfortable.

How much life do we waste not truly connecting with others?

Granted, huge caveat here, you need to be careful whom you choose to be vulnerable with. I have learned through trial and error that some people cannot be trusted and may hurt you. I’m choosing to see that as a learning for me, to be more discerning in the future, but not to shut down. Because shutting your heart off, to protect yourself from the pain, also shuts you off from true connection and deep love. And that’s not a bargain I’m willing to make.

And the gifts from being open, from admitting your humanness, are amazing. To be truly seen and acknowledged, just as I am, gives more freedom and security than I’ve ever felt. Freedom to just be, just as I am, and security knowing that even in my broken humanness, I am accepted and loved. I am not alone. And that gives me strength to keep going.

Let Go

September 5, 2013emilydownward

This quote came to mind for me today, as I’m consistently and repeatedly being asked to let go:

Some of the things I’m being asked to let go of are easier than others. For example, letting go of a career a couple years ago that never really felt like it was a good fit was exhilarating. And it was also scary, as I contemplated the unknown and began life as an entrepreneur. Sometimes we hold onto things that are familiar even if we know they aren’t a good fit for us because we’re afraid of the unknown. “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” goes the saying, but I never liked that way of thinking. It only gives two options, and both aren’t that attractive. What about heaven? And by heaven, I mean joy, bliss, contentment, excitement? Why would I stay in a situation that I KNOW doesn’t work for me rather than take a chance that a new situation will REALLY work for me?

And then it seems that taking that leap of faith opened up the door to other leaps of faith, and some of them haven’t been so easy to accept. The song from Les Miserables comes to mind: “I had a dream my life would be so different from this hell I’m living. So different now than what it seemed…now life has killed the dream I dreamed.” Sometimes it’s not so easy to let go of our original dream of how we thought it would be.

So you have a choice: you can choose to stay in the hell that Fontine captures so eloquently in her song, or you can choose to let go of the dream. And letting go isn’t easy. If your journey is anything like mine, it includes grief and fear and frustration, which all must be felt and allowed to flow through your body. And when it seems that the dark night will never end, you come to a place of acceptance of what is the reality, at least for now, and it opens you up to new possibilities, new dreams, and magic. For I don’t believe we were given our human life to suffer, but rather to find our way back to peace and happiness again and again.

6 Tips for Doing Stuff You Don’t Like (But Need to Do)

August 28, 2013emilydownward

This week, I’ve been doing a lot of things that aren’t particularly pleasant but that must be done. Some of these are work-related, and some are personal. Some are things I’ve been putting off for YEARS. I didn’t plan on packing them all into one week….it just happened. But I decided when I woke on Monday morning that I didn’t want to be in a state of dread and feel like I was slogging through the week. That doesn’t feel good.

We all sometimes need to do things that we would rather avoid. But avoiding has its price, too. One of the fun tasks I have this week is going to the California Department of Motor Vehicles for a driver’s license and vehicle registration. (I know, you’re jealous!) I have put it off for a bit, but it needs to be done. If I get pulled over for some infraction of the law (I never speed, I’m sure that wouldn’t be it), I could end up with a handful of tickets and some hefty fees to pay. As it is now, anytime I’m driving around and see a police car, I tense up. This is stealing my peace. In addition, it is a part of the large “things to do” list that is always in the back of my mind.

There are ways to “better” unpleasant but necessary tasks. Here are my tips for getting those things done:

Set your intention. When I first woke on Monday morning, I had that “UGH!” feeling. While it’s true I’ve never been a morning person, I quickly realized this wasn’t how I wanted to feel throughout the day or the week. I decided to refocus my intention for the day. How would I like to feel? Now, I knew it wasn’t realistic for me to go all the way to “blissful” this week, but I decided to settle for satisfaction: satisfaction at taking action and getting things done. That felt much better, and I noticed a difference in my day. While I still wake up pretty much every morning with a “I don’t want to get up” feeling, as soon as I’m conscious, I’m setting my intention for how I DO want to feel.
Check it off. I get a lot of satisfaction of checking things off my list. If you’re also motivated by lists and checking them off, experiment with what gives you the most satisfaction: a checkmark, crossing through the item, or marking it with “DONE!” (The last one is my favorite. It makes me feel like I achieved something.) Be aware not to overwhelm yourself: don’t put too many things in any one day.
Reward yourself! When I was a kid, I had to have a painful ingrown toenail procedure. My mom rewarded me afterwards by buying me my first bra. I was so excited! Of course, I didn’t really NEED a bra in those days, but I felt special and very grown-up wearing it. Find different ways to reward yourself for accomplishing unpleasant, dreadful or painful tasks. Create a reward sheet with small items (like a Starbucks coffee drink, a phone call with a treasured friend or a short walk in nature) and big ones and use them as needed to motivate yourself to get through big or small tasks.
Make a plan. Some things you need to do may be complex or have many smaller tasks within them. Rather than put the huge summary item on your to-do list, break it into the smaller pieces. These are more digestible to your brain – it won’t seem as overwhelming – and it’s much easier to chip away at something. Think of how much pollen a bee must collect to create even a drop of honey. Does the bee sit around thinking, “Oh my, how will I ever do it all? I’ll never have enough!” No. He gets to work on the flower in front of him.
Create accountability. If the task you are facing doesn’t already have accountability built in (like your boss is waiting for you), create your own by telling someone what you are planning on achieving and by when. You can even ask them to check in with you to make sure you’re doing it. Some writers and dieters I know use social media for this purpose and get encouragement from their friends’ comments.
Remind yourself Why. It is helpful for me to remember why I am doing this task. It could be for my health, for my profitability, to obey the law (driver’s license & registration), or for my peace of mind. Keeping focused on the outcome motivates your sense of purpose.

There’s still a few days left in this week, and still more tasks I’d rather avoid…what did I forget? Do you have some other ways that help you get things done? I’d love to learn from you — please leave me a comment.

What Are You Missing?

August 21, 2013emilydownward

It’s minutes before the meeting, and you are frantically searching for the report you KNOW is on your desk. You go through the piles and files and finally decide to print another one. Running down to the printer, you see it’s jammed and several people are in queue in front of you – you’re not going to be able to get another copy in time. You go back to your desk – they’re calling you from the meeting room – and exasperated, go without it. Later, after lunch or the next day, when you’re calmly doing something else, you find the exact report you were frantically looking for, and it IS on your desk. You wonder how you could have missed it!

Has this happened to you? Whether at work or at home, sometimes I get in such a panic looking for the thing I’m needing…and it’s precisely that state that makes it more difficult to discover anything useful. It’s a fight-or-flight state of panic, and it feels grasping and anxious. In that state, our vision is narrowed. It’s a state that is meant to protect us from danger, but our bodies respond to physical danger and perceived danger the same. Unfortunately, many of our workplaces are structured to be hurried and “everything’s urgent,” which can stimulate our fight-or-flight state quite easily.

Last week, my boyfriend and I visited the San Diego Zoo. It was a vacation day for us, we weren’t in a hurry, and since we joined as members, we knew we could come back again and didn’t need to try to see the whole park in that one visit. I’m still rehabilitating my hip, so I’m still walking slower. (But I’m walking! So grateful.) We meandered through, occasionally annoyed at others who pushed ahead of us to jockey for a prime viewing position, but soon they were gone, rushing to the next thing. We noticed how many of these people would remark that they didn’t see the animal they were looking for before moving on. We just looked at each other and smiled before turning back to look at the “missing” animal in the exhibit.

When you are in a calm state, you can use a soft focus – not pinpointed on any one thing, your vision is broader, and you are more able to take in a wider perspective. This is helpful not only for finding “lost” items, but also for collaboration and negotiation, critical skills in any business. A broader perspective allows you to “see” others’ viewpoints more easily.

The quickest way to get out of fight-or-flight is [at least] three deep breaths. Relax your belly and breathe deeply, filling your belly and chest with air. As you exhale, try to make the exhalation longer than the inhalation. Repeat twice (or more). And then take another look.

In Dealings with Others, Be Smarter than Your Brain

August 14, 2013emilydownward

I’m fascinated by how the brain works. Until we can watch our thoughts, and even after we know to do that, our stories or our inner dialogue drive so much of our experience and our behavior. It’s no wonder we get stuck in the same patterns month after month, year after year.

Our brains, particularly the left brain, looks to the past to predict the future. We base what will happen by what has happened before. This can be very helpful in many situations. Take cooking for example. You know how to make a certain recipe and the steps and ingredients involved. You may have even played with the recipe a bit and know what you can leave out and what’s essential.

But in other areas, such as in relationship with others, this predictive process of the brain can be extremely limiting and cause conflict, both for you and for others. If others have experienced you during a trying or difficult time in your life, and if they experience you as cranky or emotional or impatient, they may assume this is how you always react to others. We do the same to others in our life – in our social circles, families and in the workplace. We see how others react to us and our brain stores the information away as evidence of “this is how he/she is.”

Unfortunately, if someone has changed, through conscious work or just due to the passage of time, we may miss the change.

I recently watched a British documentary 56 Up that followed 13 people in 7-year increments throughout their lives, from the age of 7 to 56. It was fascinating to see the differences in their progress across the ages. Several of the participants remarked on the local notoriety they received, as well as how they were judged, even years later, for a flippant opinion they gave at a certain age. One man wisely noted that the brief interviews were a snapshot of how a person changes over time but not necessarily a complete view of who he was. I thought that was a brilliant assessment. Who of us would want to be confined to the opinions we espoused at age 14 or 21? We want the freedom to evolve, to grow and improve.

This week, try to look at those around you with new eyes. Allow others the freedom to be whoever they are. You don’t have to agree with them or do things like they do – you get to choose for yourself how YOU want to be. Remember that we are all doing the best we can with the knowledge and resources and experience that we have at the moment, and we are all on different journeys and at different points along those journeys. Namasté.

(“Namasté” is Sanskrit and means “that which is sacred in me greets that which is sacred in you.”)

5 Tips on Working Location Independent

July 24, 2013emilydownward

For the past few years, I’ve been working out of my home, or wherever I may be travelling, and have been able to continue to build my coaching business and work on consulting projects to keep a steady income flowing. This has been very helpful this year especially, as I’ve had two interstate moves taking me from coast to coast. I’ve learned as I’ve gone along what works well – and what doesn’t. Here are my top five tips on how to successfully work location-independent:

Meticulously Plan – Before leaving on a trip or an extended stay away from my office, I mentally go through what will be happening each day and what supplies I’ll need. I visualize each step, even the small ones, to help me remember all the components I’ll need, such as files, power cables, presentation adapters, headset, and my favorite writing instruments. I also think through back-ups. (For example, what if I can’t get my computer to work with a client’s system for presentation? Bring a USB drive.) Much of this has come from learning from my mistakes. I’ve accumulated extra power cords from trips when I had to buy one because I forgot mine at home, so I now keep these ready to go in my backpack.
Get the Essentials – To be able to do my work, I must be connected with phone and Internet. It’s pretty easy now to find internet access somewhere, and for those few hours here or there when I don’t have it, I focus on the work I can do that doesn’t need internet, such as writing next week’s blog post. I also have times when I’m coaching clients that I need a quiet space for phone conversations. I plan ahead for these to ensure I’ll have the privacy and quiet required.
Be Vigilant of Time Zones – Between my cross-country moves this year and multiple trips, I have to double-check time zones to make sure I don’t miss an important meeting or call. For me, this includes changing the time zone on my calendar when I’m landing in a new place, as well as coordinating my time zone with my clients’ locations. I frequently check TimeandDate.com to make sure I’m calculating it right.
Over-Communicate – Remember the saying “tell them what you’re going to tell them, tell them, and tell them what you told them?” I highly recommend this for working remotely: tell them what you’re planning on doing, tell them what you’re currently working on, and tell them what you’ve completed. If you’re not in the office, people aren’t sure what you’re up to. It’s better to over communicate than to assume they know what you’re working on. Quick status phone calls and (at minimum) weekly emails give you the opportunity to share what you’re doing. I also have found it’s extremely important to share your accomplishments and kudos. Some people do this more easily than others. For me, it doesn’t come naturally, but I’ve found if I don’t note my accomplishments, others won’t either. Don’t assume your supervisor or upper management know what your contribution is. Make sure they know the part you played.
Set Boundaries – For me, boundaries work both ways: I need to clearly define when I’m available and when I’m not for others AND for me. It’s critical to let others know, but it’s just as important for me to honor my boundaries for myself. I know I have a tendency to give more to others, and chronically doing this only burns me out. I set times for work and times to allow myself to turn off email and phone, to let myself recharge. I still have to battle the thoughts in my head that I need to do more. If my mind is churning on what needs to be done, I’ll write a quick list, truly determining if anything is actually urgent, and prioritizing those. I also find meditation helps to calm my mind, but often, I need to get it all written down in a list before I can let it go.

One of the benefits of connectivity in today’s world is being able to work remotely from just about anywhere. I enjoy working location independently, but I’ve also learned it’s vital for me to disconnecting from electronics to connect inward and cultivate inner peace, to connect with nature and experience wonder, and to connect with others to experience love.