Anger is a tricky emotion for me, not one I generally enjoy. For years, I pushed it away, buried it inside or just avoided it altogether. Of course, this doesn’t work. Stuffing any emotion causes a negative reaction in the body. I’ve heard “Emotion” defined as “energy in motion,” and when we dam it inside, stifle it, it’s similar to shaking up a soda can just before you open it. The energy builds up, ready to blow.
I still don’t enjoy all my emotions, like anger, but I’ve become a student of them. I see them as teachers, as feedback, trying to tell me something. Feeling them also allows them to pass, where stuffing them keeps them around for a lot longer.
If you – like me for many years – have a difficult time feeling your emotions, I highly recommend breathwork, yoga or a similar form of exercise. I was recently in a challenging yoga class and while trying to keep up with the instructor’s series of poses (and not doing too well), I suddenly was FILLED with anger. Anger at myself, anger at my current situation, even a little anger at the teacher for expecting too much of me. Fortunately, I was with a group of people I trust and can be vulnerable around. While still uncomfortable for me, I allowed the tears to come and sank into child’s pose to let it all out. I became the “watcher of my thoughts,” as Eckhart Tolle calls it, and noticed all the dirty-pain thoughts that were coming up. As I described in this video, our thoughts precede our feelings, so finding the thoughts provides me with the map to where to follow up with some coaching at a later time. In the moment, though, I just felt the anger.
Anger is often an emotion that spurs us to action. Anger can inspire someone to fight for justice, search for answers, or create a new solution to a problem. And what I’ve learned is letting them course through my body and truly feeling them allows me to get to a clearer state of mind where I can make decisions from a place of peace.
Wishing you a peace-filled week.
anger
What Energy Are You Bringing?
In work (as in life), there are some people you enjoy being around and easily collaborate with. And then there are others…some who don’t inspire you but don’t annoy you, and some that really frustrate you and become the motivation for happy hour or the face you conjure up in kickboxing class. Unfortunately, you can’t change other people, so that leaves you. Even small changes in your own behavior and attitude can have ripple effects on others, even those really frustrating others.
Science is beginning to explain what the poet Maya Angelou said so eloquently: “People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” When brain scientist Jill Bolte Taylor was recovering from a left-hemisphere stroke, she quickly realized the energy people brought with them into the room – everyone from family to healthcare workers – had a profound impact on her, especially since she was primarily using the right hemisphere of her brain, which focuses on the present moment and processes information intuitively. Dr. Taylor asked that everyone who entered her room be responsible for the energy they brought into it. (You can see Jill Bolte Taylor share her beautiful, heartfelt description of her stroke and the impact it had on her view of life in her TED Talk. It’s worth watching.)
Scientists have also discovered mirror neurons in our brains, which allow us to understand how others are feeling. Think of how your body reacts when you’re watching a scary or suspenseful movie, and how you may even jump physically when watching a surprise on screen. In one-on-one conversations, we affect each other on an energetic and emotional level, even if we’re not aware of it. If we approach someone with anger, they are more likely to respond in anger or defensively. And while we can’t change others energy, we can and have the responsibility of what energy we are bringing to a situation or encounter. If you remain in a state of peace and love, you are more likely to diffuse another’s anger. Being in that peaceful state also allows you to think more clearly and creatively. When we are in fight-or-flight mode, we don’t have access to the more creative, problem-solving portion of our brains.
I’ve found the quickest way to shift my energy is to take a few deep breaths (this relaxes your body and gets you out of fight-or-flight) and think of as many positive things about the person as you can. This changes your focus from what you dislike about them to what you do, even if it’s something your critical mind thinks is inconsequential, and helps you make a positive connection with them.
I’m not saying it’s always easy. Some people just know how to push our buttons, but the more you can stay centered and come with positive energy, the more successful the interaction will be.