“Hi! How are you?”
“I’m fine. And you?”
“Fine. Nice seeing you!”
How many times do we have this type of conversation with people in our lives? It is appallingly shallow and so common and pervasive that it seems normal. But does that make it right? I recently learned this quote from Thomas Payne: “A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.”
As I’m going through a major transformation in my life – it makes every earlier transition period in my life seem inconsequential – I am finding I have no energy for the superficial. I have become much more protective of what I spend my time and energy on, as it is critical for me at this time. I hope I can keep this clarity and conviction to maintain healthy boundaries and doing what is right for me (not at the expense or detriment of anyone else), as it feels like I am honoring my soul or my essential self more than ever before.
I’m reading the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser, “how difficult times can help us grow.” In the first section, she talks about her years of study and experience in personal growth, both individually and as co-founder of the Omega Institute. She refers to the Sufi poet Rumi’s idea of the Open Secret – that each of us hides from others that we are human, that we stumble and fall, that we are afraid and grieve what we’ve lost, dreams and people. When we hide it all from others, they go away and think, “How does she do it all? How come she has it all together? What’s wrong with me?” The irony is that we are all hiding the same secret, making it not such a secret after all. And when you can open the door on your secret, you make it safe for another to open, too.
As my heart is broken open and seemingly bleeding all over the place, I can’t hold it in, so I’m not trying. When I encounter a dear friend or sister or even my caring dental hygienist yesterday who asks, “How are you?” I may begin to tear up or cry. Because truly, that’s often how I am right now: sad, broken-hearted. Most people have been loving and supportive and offer what words or gestures they can of consoling and hope. But others are so uncomfortable. I am not attached to their reaction, which is new for me, but perhaps it’s because I have enough to take care of myself right now. I find it fascinating that MY willingness to share my emotions and feelings makes THEM uncomfortable.
How much life do we waste not truly connecting with others?
Granted, huge caveat here, you need to be careful whom you choose to be vulnerable with. I have learned through trial and error that some people cannot be trusted and may hurt you. I’m choosing to see that as a learning for me, to be more discerning in the future, but not to shut down. Because shutting your heart off, to protect yourself from the pain, also shuts you off from true connection and deep love. And that’s not a bargain I’m willing to make.
And the gifts from being open, from admitting your humanness, are amazing. To be truly seen and acknowledged, just as I am, gives more freedom and security than I’ve ever felt. Freedom to just be, just as I am, and security knowing that even in my broken humanness, I am accepted and loved. I am not alone. And that gives me strength to keep going.
Beautiful, Emily. So happy to acknowledge and love another broken open human in my life. Why can’t we all just tell the truth?! It’s so okay to not be okay all the time. As humans, our hearts would learn to expand for others if we could just let them feel free to expand for ourselves. Sending love to you!
Thank you, Sheila! Your comment about the heart expanding makes me picture the Grinch in my head, when his heart grew. 🙂
Emily thank you for being “not fine” and being OK to share that with all of us. You are right, it is such a waste to spend all that time pretending we are OK.
Thanks, Andrea. I’m just finding I don’t have the energy to do the pretending, and it’s kind of freeing!
Emily, this is so spot on. I love that you wrote about this. I recently went on vacation with someone who was so authentic and so transparent that it made me love her even more…she didn’t say it, she showed it! She was so imperfectly perfect (and I know others might have cringed but I loved her even more) and as a result, I felt so deeply connected to her. I told her this by the way….but you’re right, some people can’t handle your truth, are deeply uncomfortable with it because they are disconnected – they are not your people. I have learned this the hard way…thinking if I take the lead, they will follow – they will open up if I do. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don’t…and that’s okay. Which is why I hate cocktail parties and black tie charity events. Blah, blah, blah….the ultimate pretending party.. Thank you for being you and sharing this!
Thank you, Jackie. I’ll admit with some people I get initially disappointed that they don’t take my lead! But then I realize, their path is their path. And I’m with you on the cocktail party BS! XO
Loved this Emily! Cheers to authenticity! xo
Cheers, Erin! XO
Love this spotlight Emily. Your tenderness and truth make me love you all the more!
Thank you, Jody. I love you, too!
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable and real. It takes true courage to stand in your truth even when it hurts. You are an inspiration Emily and I know this adventure we call life has many wonderful blessings for you ahead. And Rumi…wouldn’t the world be such a better place if we all lived by his simple loving words? (Maybe I’m a little biased, what do you think?) Good luck on this journey my friend. Just keep picking up yummy bread crumbs and you’ll be somewhere delicious before you know it. Love ya!
Thank you, Bridgette, for your kind words and all your support. Love you.
If you need to talk, we are always at the end of a phone. We love you,
Richard, Paula and Luke XXXXXX
Thank you! Love you all. XOXO