Throughout my childhood, my family moved around a lot, due to my father’s career in the airline industry and his progress up the corporate ladder. Being the new girl in classes and social groups became familiar, if not comfortable. I learned to listen a lot before I spoke, to sense the dynamics of the crowd before declaring my opinion.
We are social creatures, conditioned to compromise to be a part of the group. There was a time when belonging was absolutely necessary for survival, and sometimes, it feels like it still is. But compromising too much of one’s self becomes painful over time. To me, it feels like selling my soul to pretend to be something I’m not, or to deny a part of me that yearns for expression. I can do it for a while, but over time, the discrepancy between who I AM and what I’m pretending to be causes friction and pain inside, until I can no longer stand to be anything than other than what and who I am.
It’s like trying to squeeze into a blazer that no longer fits. You feel the constriction, limiting your movements and causing discomfort and possibly pain. For a while, you try breathing more shallowly, and you don’t raise your arms. You roll your shoulders forward in a hunched position as you try to make your physical self fit into this too small container.
But a part of you is waiting for the hour when you take that blasted blazer off and stretch your shoulders and reach your arms to the sky. You inhale deeply and let it out with a sigh. AH!
Six years ago, I was working in NYC as a senior vice president for a PR firm. I was consistently asked to play bigger, to make bold statements and predictions, to create point-of-view documents on major trends in digital health. I did it, to some extent, but it was very uncomfortable for me. Not just the uncomfortable-ness that comes from growing and becoming more, I also realized it was increasingly uncomfortable because this wasn’t the right place for me to become bigger. I didn’t want to be a leading authority in that arena. It wasn’t me. And the more I listened to that inner yearning to be and do something different, the more obvious it was to me that it was time to chart a new course.
You are not meant to squeeze yourself into clothes, jobs, or relationships that don’t fit. If the only way it fits is to make your self smaller, it may be time to upgrade.
What does it mean to Play Big?
I’ve been playing with what this means in my life, and here’s what I know so far:
Open the Door to the Possibilities. When I have a thought of “ooh, I’d love that,” my inner critic’s immediate response is something like “Yeah right! Who do you think you are? You’re not as [good, accomplished, talented, intelligent, sophisticated, lucky, rich, thin, healthy, beautiful] as that person. You’re better off just doing what you know works, what you’ve done before.” My inner critic believes I’ll only be disappointed if I go after something big, so I’m better off playing it safe and staying small. However, you never win the lottery if you don’t play, right? And while I’m not suggesting you all go out and buy lottery tickets, I invite you to tell your inner critic to eat a peanut butter cracker. Consider for a moment that it COULD be possible. The evidence that others have done it, even though they come from different backgrounds and choices, is proof that it CAN be done. And to all the negative “what if’s,” offer up some positive ones. What if it could happen? What if it does?
Believe in Yourself. Occasionally, I can get stuck in listing for myself, internally or in writing, all the things I need to change and improve. (I should exercise more, meditate more, eat even more greens, etc.) I can get so focused on all the things I’m not doing that I lose sight of all the things I’m doing well. Remembering that I can and have accomplished many great things helps me to believe in myself, that I can do and accomplish even more. And the fact is, every one of us is a survivor. If you’re reading this, there’s not been a single day when you haven’t risen to the challenge and gotten through it alive. Shift your negative self-talk for some positive reinforcement by chronicling for yourself all the things you’ve achieved.
Claim it and Live it. First, start by allowing yourself to have those big dreams. Write them down, in a journal or on a post-it note at your desk. Words carry energy, so choose them carefully. Rather than saying “I want to travel the world,” try “I will travel the world.” Feel the difference? The first one comes from a place of lack, while the second one makes a declaration. After you write down your dreams, start taking small steps towards them. For example, if your dream is to travel, you might begin looking at all the ways you can garner frequent flyer miles through the purchases and activities you make. Consider how a world-traveler thinks and acts and how you can incorporate that into your life now.
Every small shift gets you closer to the new, bigger you. And the world is waiting for you to show up. I believe the Universe can dream bigger dreams for us than we can ever dream for ourselves. But we have to get out of the way and allow them to come into our lives. Open yourself to allowing by seeing the possibilities, believing in yourself, claiming it and taking steps to live it now.