When I wrote last week’s blog post Let Go, I thought I was writing from a place of being through the worst of my own “Let Go’s.” After all, I reasoned to myself, I’ve had more than my share of losses this year.
Unfortunately, I was wrong, there was more. I got hit by another major change that has knocked me off my feet, casting me off into a sea of grief and uncertainty without a shred of a flotation device.
I feel like this year has been a stripping away process for me, and in the typical square one of the cycle of change that Martha Beck defines, I am wondering who I am. What’s left when all I thought defined me is gone?
I’m still processing a lot and still going through the grieving. I’m not rushing myself to make any decisions. Small revelations are already beginning to percolate in my brain, and I thought I’d share in case anyone else is having a major overhaul transformation of a year:
Sometimes you have to lose everything to find everything. (And don’t be afraid to ask for help.) A friend of mine who comes from an Eastern religion recently shared this with me: “In our spiritual wisdom, there’s a saying that when God likes you, He gives you everything you desire, but when He really loves you, He takes away everything that binds you to this material world.” Early in the year, I chose to leave my home and community in Austin to follow my heart. Then I lost the ability to walk for a while, losing how I viewed myself as a triathlete. Then I lost a source of steady income. Then I was told I can’t conceive. And now I’ve lost my relationship and my home. In losing my relationship, that I thought was the love of my life, and feeling rejected and having dirty pain thoughts of wondering if I’m just unlovable, I reached out for help and received an avalanche of loving support from family, friends, past and current colleagues from around the world. I feel so incredibly blessed and so loved. And I can already see that this breakup can be a blessing, releasing me to truly be loved and cherished for who I am.
I may not be the triathlete I thought I was, or a mother, or a partner. I may not have many trappings or certainty or a permanent address at the moment. What does that leave? I am a coach, a healer – not in the sense that I fix what’s wrong, but that I help people create new experiences. I have been developing some exciting new products and offerings that I know will help people, and I am looking forward to sharing them soon. But for now, I’m going to take some time, use my skills, and lean on my family and friends and work on healing myself, and create a new experience for me.
So powerful, beautiful, authentic, vulnerable and inspirational.Thank you!
Thank you, Jill.
Beautiful post Emily. That you’re able to have this kind of perspective during this difficult time speaks volumes about your character and resilience.
Thank you, Kasey.
You are a loving, inspiring being who is loved and deserves love. Thank you for sharing your pain with us, letting us all know that even when you feel you’re lost and alone, there are people to support you and carry you along your path when you think you can’t manage any longer.
A truly inspiring piece that touches the soul. We’ve all been through loss of one kind or another—and looking back, it’s always the case that it wasn’t right and needed to be taken from us to steer us on the path we should be following. As Steve Jobs said, it’s not until you look back that you can connect the dots. Follow your gut and your heart and you will be lead in the right direction.
Thank you, Valerie. I know that’s true, and it’s also so painful to let go sometimes of what we thought was right for us. Looking forward to connecting the dots!
You are a loving and inspiring being. Thank you for sharing your pain. You deserve love and are loved. Even though it’s hard to see the positive through the pain, as you put it, you have people who will support you and carry you when you think you can’t possibly manage. We can’t fill the void, but we can be there for you and sustain a different type of love.
Thank you, Sarah. I have been humbled by the love coming to me from so many across the globe. Including you! XO
You are so very inspirational … a truly loving and loveable person Em. XXXXXX
Love you, Paula! XOXO
You have truly been on my mind. I so appreciate you opening up and letting us into your world of pain, healing and the embracing of change. What a beautiful gift for all of us and I hope that the loving responses are a gift back to you. Be well and be confident that your path is just starting to unfold. I love the quote by Joseph Campbell, a guru in our home for sure, “We must let go of the life we have planned,so as to acccept the one that is waiting for us.”
Thanks, Laura! The love and support I have received are truly keeping me afloat as I try to navigate this experience. I have no idea where my path will lead next. Just trying to stay open to it.