Everybody

We often say “everybody says…,” “everybody will think…” or “everybody knows…” but in reality, our brains are generalizing this mythical Everybody based on the opinions of a few people.  As Martha Beck explains in Finding Your Own North Star, “Our social nature makes us long to fit in with a larger group, but it’s difficult to hold the tastes and opinions of more than five or six individuals in your mind. So the resourceful social self creates a kind of shorthand: it picks up on a few people’s attitudes, emblazons them on your brain, and extrapolates this image until it covers the entire known universe.”

Psychologists term this the “generalized other.” I call this the Committee. Who is on your Committee – that judging board of directors in your head – is up to you.

When I first identified who was on my mental Committee, I was shocked to find that in addition to a few loved ones, it included a past boss who never liked my work or saw any potential in me, and a critical ex-boyfriend that I hadn’t spoken to in years. These were people I no longer had contact with in my real life, yet my brain was still holding onto the criticisms and negative opinions they had held of me! I set to work firing them from the Committee and replacing them with people I respect who are loving and fair.

Occasionally, one of the kicked-off Committee members will try to weigh in on something again. But now I’m on to them. I know their patterns and how they phrase things. And just as I knew I had to move on from those relationships in the physical world, I know they don’t serve me in the mental world either.