emilydownward – Page 9 – Emily Downward

Being Unabashedly You

January 16, 2013emilydownward

One of my favorite assessments I ask my clients to complete is the Kolbe A Index. Based in decades of research, the Kolbe A Index measures your conative style, or how you take action. It focuses on what you do well, and learning more about your unique conative style can help you to leverage your strengths and minimize your weaknesses.

I’ll admit, I’m an assessment junkie. I love taking quizzes, from the serious to the silly, and learning more about myself in the process…or at least getting some frivolous fun from the results. Getting my results from the Kolbe A Index was the most validating to me, and I felt like a huge piece of the puzzle was snapped into place. As spiritual beings in this human experience, I think it’s natural that we ask ourselves “Who am I?” and “What am I meant to do?” For me, learning about how and why I do things the way I do was a fantastic revelation.

Of course, assessments like this are only as good as the application. Learning about my instinctual action mode has enabled me to leverage my strengths as I go about my daily work. Sometimes we all need a bit of prodding or bribing to get done tasks we’d rather forget. For me, deadlines (albeit realistic ones) are essential. If I don’t have a deadline, the task often languishes at the bottom of my To-Do list for weeks. I also know I prefer to have some sort of process to follow, although I like to modify processes when needed. If I’m starting out on an initiative that I don’t have a process for, providing myself with structure of any kind helps get me out of paralysis.

Kathy Kolbe, creator of the Kolbe A Index, provides an audio summary of your results, and I admire and appreciate how she highlights the value of each type, explaining how someone just like you has such a necessary role to play in our world. As she says, “Who you are is who you were meant to be.” So often we measure ourselves against others or try to do something the way we’ve been taught is the “right way.” I encourage you to forge your own path, do it your way, and celebrate what makes you uniquely you.

Positive Influence

January 9, 2013emilydownward

A few weeks ago I wrote about emotional contagion – how others can affect us and we can affect others, similar to how a virus gets spread from person to person. Most of the time people talk about emotional contagion, it’s in the negative sense, how “one rotten apple spoils the barrel.” My article provided tips for combating negative emotional contagion, but the other side of the contagion factor is, how can we influence others positively?

Researchers have been studying brainwaves for years and have found that when two people are placed together in a room, without talking, their brainwaves synchronize within minutes. Entrainment is the process of causing brainwave frequencies to adjust to a desired state, and scientists have found they can influence entrainment through use of rhythmic sound or light. Enthusiasts of brainwave entrainment have noted that it has been used in one form or another for centuries, such as shamanistic societies use of drumming.

But if people do this to each other naturally, without the introduction of sound or light, which brain state is the stronger one? Which one pulls the other into alignment? You may be surprised to learn it’s the peaceful brainwave state that is the most powerful. Think of the peaceful revolutions led by Gandhi or Martin Luther King, Jr. that were the catalysts for massive change.

My personal practice, and one which I now help many clients with, has been to find my peaceful center and then return to it or maintain it even in stressful or difficult situations. Finding my peace was a process. As a busy executive in a demanding career, I had become quite adept at stuffing my negative emotions and allowing the many distractions in my world to keep me from paying attention to what I really wanted. As coping mechanisms go, it wasn’t the most unhealthy, but coping only works for so long. I feel so much better being in my peaceful state, and now my focus is on holding it during stressful situations or returning to it quickly if I find myself off-kilter.

When you can maintain your peace during intense meetings, negotiations, or confrontations, not only do you feel more calm and content, you are also more likely to positively affect, or entrain, the others in the room. What we do and how we are affects others. Whether your goal is to feel better or to influence others, the starting point is the same: it begins with you.

Ready, or Not

January 2, 2013emilydownward

The start of a new year gives me the feeling of wonder and anticipation, like the first day of school, starting a new grade. While I’ve known the date was coming and am eager to experience this new beginning, I’m unsure exactly what to expect.

In the past, I have jumped on the resolution bandwagon, creating big goals for myself that were difficult and unattainable, and I found myself guiltily going back to my old ways around mid-February or March. For some, those big goals work to motivate them, but I’ve found that for me, I’m more likely to truly change and incorporate a new way of doing or being when I’m ready for the change, not when someone else or a calendar date tells me I should. And I also know I can’t force that ready feeling. Even if I’m looking forward to the future change, I can’t make myself get there faster. It’s like a child wishing she was an adult. It doesn’t make it go any faster, and it actually makes you more unhappy and unsatisfied.

I spent so many years looking forward to future events, thinking I would be happy when I had this or when I had achieved that, but I was never quite satisfied. There is always something more to achieve or obtain. And being continually future-focused meant I wasn’t happy with where I was in the present, so I was left with an overall sense of being unfulfilled and in a constant state of wanting.

It’s difficult to break this mindset, as our society is quite established at creating milestones and levels of achievement. But the more I choose to focus on the present moment, to be grateful for what I have now, to be content with where I am and know that I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be, the more peaceful and content I feel. Sometimes, to get to that peaceful place, it’s a bit paradoxical. If the present moment is full of chaos or frustration or just being in the in-between (a state I’m still not fond of, although I’m getting more familiar with it), I’ve learned the quickest way out is through – leaning into the feelings of frustration, sadness and/or anger, rather than resisting them or wishing them away.

So if you’re feeling a bit lackluster about the new year as far as what you’ll accomplish or change or experience, just wait a bit. It will come to you. And there will be a day when you feel ready. It still may feel a bit scary, the future unknown, but it will be the excitement-fear, not the dread-fear. As one of my teachers describes, it’s like being on the high dive at the pool, and looking down into the crystal clear water, not looking down and seeing grimy sludge. And in the meantime, find something, anything, to be grateful and content about in your present moment. Savor the good stuff.

What Motivates You?

December 18, 2012emilydownward

I like to exercise outdoors, and there’s a nice track nearby that I frequent. I’ve noticed there are two different groups of exercisers – those who love it and those who are making themselves do it. Those who love it have found a physical movement and pattern that works for them. They look almost effortless as they glide through their exercise, and they know the benefits will be more than just physical, as exercise releases endorphins in the brain that provide a positive feeling.

In contrast, those who are making themselves do it look pained, their bodies struggling. Their expressions aren’t euphoric – they are practically wincing. I think they are more motivated by fear. It might be the fear of gaining too much weight and not fitting in social circles. Or it could be the fear of disease or its consequences.

What motivates you? Is it fear, or is it love? I think we can be motivated by both, but I have a hunch that our results are going to be better when we are motivated by love.

Are you going to a job you love? Are you inspired to help your clients, create beautiful work, be a supportive manager and mentor others? Or are you just trying to keep your job, to stay employed, not rock the boat? I’m intentionally pointing out the extremes, and for most, it’s probably not a black-and-white issue. But I think it’s interesting to question yourself and figure out what your motivations are.

If you realize you’re making yourself go to a job (or do anything, really) more out of fear, consider how you can reframe it to do the same activity out of love. This will shift you from a victim perspective (“I HAVE TO go to work”) to one that is more empowering (“I’m choosing to do this job today to the best of my abilities”).

Try it, and let me know what happens in the comments!

Permission to Shine

December 12, 2012emilydownward

Have you ever known someone who was so talented, bright, well spoken, creative and just all-around amazing…but they didn’t step into their gifts? You can see how much they have to offer the world, but whether it’s lack of confidence, fear of failure or fear of rejection, they just play it safe, keeping their brilliance muted, always coloring in the lines and holding their tongue.

The world is constantly giving us messages in the people and experiences around us. It’s all feedback that can be used for learning and as guides in self-discovery. You may have heard that when you are annoyed with someone in your life, it’s because you don’t like those same characteristics in yourself. It’s often easier to blame someone else for being selfish than to admit we are selfish. The same is true for those we admire. We wouldn’t be able to recognize admirable qualities if we didn’t have at least the potential for them ourselves.

That person you know who’s holding back their magnificence? It’s You.

You may be waiting for someone to tell you it’s okay to speak out, to follow your passion, that it’s your time now. But you know what? The only person who can really give you permission to Be You is You.

What Resting Doesn’t Look Like

December 5, 2012emilydownward

I am someone who tries to put too much into a day, who somehow impossibly believes I can do more than I can in a day, an hour, even 15 minutes. I think, erroneously, that it’s more efficient to pack in errands on the way to an appointment or meeting and even have phone calls (using my hands-free, don’t worry) while I’m driving so I don’t “waste time.” (I don’t understand why I’m late.) I love lists and the satisfaction I get from checking things off the list is only overshadowed by the never-ending tasks that get added to my lists. Sometimes I just start new lists. And I try not to get too discouraged and frustrated with myself for not completing some of those items.

I’ve now been sick for four weeks. It started off as a gift from my niece, who was generous in sharing her germs while I was taking care of her for a week. I let myself sleep in a bit the first day and figured I’d just power through. By the next week, the respiratory virus was turning into bronchitis, which I know I’m susceptible to. Still, I “powered through,” took some Mucinex and did my homeopathic things. By the end of that week, I was feeling pretty darn puny (while on vacation), and I finally went to an urgent care clinic for a prescription. It worked, sort of, but the infection worsened, so I’m now on a super-duper prescription that promises to knock out every bacteria, good or evil, in my system. (Great…) I’m marginally better. I feel like I don’t know what happened to November, and I feel like I’ve been in a fog.

What have I learned (again)? That I need to REST. Not just a little catnap kind of rest. My body wants to VEG OUT. Do a lot of nothing. Eat lots of soups. Wear pajamas and lay on the couch. Sleep and sleep some more.

But of course, I worry about doing this. I run my own business. If I’m not working, there’s no one else to pick up the slack. If I’m not working, my business isn’t growing. And if I’m not exercising (gasp!), I will gain weight and be completely out of shape. Pesky thoughts like these make me stay away from the comfort of the couch and keep me on the computer and pushing my body to go-go-go. So I’ve followed my pesky brain’s advice and have tried to power through. It hasn’t worked so well. I’ve stayed sick a lot longer than I think I would have if I’d just taken the time at the beginning to recuperate.

And is it really true that we “waste time?” Is that even possible? I’m beginning to believe in a different kind of time. One that values the present moment, whatever it holds. And I’ve been letting things slide, out of necessity, realizing that if it truly needs to get done it will get done. If I forgot to email a friend back, they will remind me. If I missed a big story on the news or Facebook, it will come up again.

I’ve been trained as a health educator (back in the day), but don’t follow my example if you’re suffering with a virus or infection. Give yourself permission to heal, and listen to your body for what it needs. Taking the time from work may seem impossible – everyone I know is more-than-busy – but what’s the cost if you don’t take the time?

(My cat Lucy shows how resting is really done well.)

Five Tips for Combating Negative Emotional Contagion

November 27, 2012emilydownward

Most people have some coworkers they enjoy working with, and others they would rather avoid altogether. There are some people who make even the most demanding and challenging projects more fun and rewarding, people who always seem to lift the mood of the team and get everyone rallied around doing great work. And there are others who throw a metaphorical wet blanket over everything as soon as they enter the room. They drag in a cloud of negativity and are focused on how everything won’t work, rather than how it could. Do you know people like this?

While some of your work might be individual and completely dependent on you alone, most of us have at least some times when we must work with others. Being aware of emotional contagion is the first step in avoiding being swept away by it.

Researchers have studied the effect of emotional contagion on groups and in the workplace and define emotional contagion as “the transfer of moods among people in a group.” The influence of positive emotional contagion is linked to improved cooperation, decreased conflict and increased perceived task performance. Negative emotional contagion is linked with the opposite: less cooperation, more conflict and, I would hypothesize, less productivity and creativity. Studies have found women are more susceptible to emotional contagion (both positive and negative emotions) than men, explained in part because women are raised to be more emotionally responsive and expressive than men in our culture. Understanding the impact of emotional contagion is important for the individual and managers who wish to foster a positive and efficient workplace.

Here are five tips for combating negative emotional contagion in the workplace:

Be aware of your own emotions – as well as what’s NOT yours. Being conscious of what you’re feeling is a critical first step. If you’re not currently in touch with your emotions, begin by scanning your body and seeing where you have tension and ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” If you notice something you can’t easily define, ask yourself if this is your feeling or someone else’s that you may have picked up on.
Be authentically you. While we all would rather be positive and inspire others all the time, it’s just not realistic that you will always be in a positive mood. Sometimes life throws us curve balls (or wrecking balls) and you’re going to have bad days. Acknowledge this, to yourself and if appropriate, to your coworkers. Emotional contagion research shows that people pick up on nonverbal cues even when individuals are trying to mask how they feel, and being honest and authentic is going to engender more trust and credibility.
Give yourself a Reset. I call these my “non-smoking breaks.” Just a few minutes to get up from my desk, stretch, breathe deeply and get re-centered. Three deep breaths can be very cleansing. You can also get your muscles engaged to clear emotions by taking a brisk walk, jumping up and down, dancing, or shaking your hands as if you were shaking water off them. (Depending on your situation, some of these may be more challenging to do in the workplace!)
Recognize what you’re focusing on. There will always be positive and negative. Which are you focusing on? What you focus on will encourage more of the same, so notice where you’re putting your energy and attention and adjust if needed.
Have fun! Add in fun times, fun activities or items into your workplace. I have a Jibber Jabber doll in my office that makes a ridiculous sound when you shake its neck that is guaranteed to make someone go from frustrated to laughing. Find ways to add in humor and light-heartedness to help elevate your mood and others.

I’d love to hear if you have additional tips for avoiding negative emotional contagion – please add in your experiences in the comments.

What Now?

November 21, 2012emilydownward

There are times when life throws you a curve ball. You’re going along, everything’s going great, and suddenly Wham! You get the wind knocked out of you with something that totally throws you for a loop. It could be a layoff, a death in the family, a break up, a diagnosis. Or sometimes it’s an opportunity, a promotion, a new relationship, the birth of a child. These are all catalytic events, and they throw you into what we Martha Beck coaches call Square One, where the way you defined yourself before no longer works now. It causes an internal identity crisis (the motto for Square One is “I don’t know what the hell is going on, and that’s okay.”), and we go through this many times in our lives. It’s not exactly pleasant, but it is survivable.

I’ve been going through some of my own Square One stuff in my life lately, and I thought it might be helpful to share a few things that help me survive the chaos.

1. Don’t make any major decisions or life changes. Wait a bit, until things settle — and they will settle. Square One doesn’t last forever, if you allow yourself to work through the emotions, which leads to…

2. Allow your emotions space to be. I’ve written before (and it’s still true) that I don’t always (ever?) find it easy to allow my emotions to be present, particularly those which feel unpleasant to me, like anger or sadness. But emotions are “energy in motion,” and as Jill Bolte Taylor describes in her book My Stroke of Insight, if we allow them to flow through our system, they course through our body in 90 seconds. It’s when we stuff them and resist them that they linger. 90 seconds seems doable to me, and I have found that it’s true: I feel better and get through the muck faster when I can allow these emotions space. (Note: it took me quite a bit of coaching and personal work to get reconnected to my emotions after stuffing and numbing them for years. I highly recommend getting help if you are feeling stuck in this area.)

3. Question everything. With your new perspective on how things are in your life now, you may realize that the assumptions you had before no longer apply. Take this opportunity to question your assumptions and create better thoughts and beliefs that work for you. For instance, when I got divorced, I came smack up against the idea I’d always held in my mind that divorced people didn’t really try hard enough to make it work. I hadn’t realized I had this judgment in my head, until of course I was in that situation myself. That judging thought made me feel awful about myself, and so I revised that belief. Coaching has given me great tools to identify and change my thoughts, and I believe it’s the ability to choose our thoughts that brings us the most internal peace and happiness.

4. Give yourself permission to ask for help. I’m fiercely independent and often have the can-do-it-myself attitude that is often demonstrated by young children. But when things get messy, when everything feels like it’s falling apart, it feels so good to know I’m not alone and that there is help out there. We aren’t meant to be solitary beings — the human experience is all about interconnectedness and relationships. Find someone who can give you some support and help you through your Square One mess.

5. Focus on gratitude. While it may seem counter intuitive when things are crappy, focusing on what you have instead of what you don’t will help shift your energy to a more positive place. You also may notice some really good things that come out of a Square One identity crisis. Perhaps in some ways you were ready to shed that old identity, and the catalytic event was a blessing in a strange way. Find the good things, even if they’re small, to be grateful for.

And as it’s Thanksgiving week here in the U.S., I am so very grateful for you, my readers and my clients, and for being able to serve as a life coach in this world. Wishing you all a good week and hoping you have some quiet time to reflect on your gratitude list.

Opportunities for Growth

November 7, 2012emilydownward

I used to dread that time of year. You know the one, annual performance review time. Of course, it’s nice to think you might get a raise or a promotion you’ve been eyeing, but even with those potential silver linings, you still have to sit through about an hour of listening to someone point out your shortcomings and provide you with a list of things to improve. (And if you’re a manager, in addition to looking forward to your own review, you have one or several reviews to put together yourself!) We all know we have shortcomings, but it’s more painful to have someone else point them out to you then realizing it yourself, isn’t it?

Oh sure, they call them things like “opportunities for growth.” Positive sounding stuff, but you know it’s really “What You Don’t Do Well.”

And we always focus more on the bad stuff than the good stuff, don’t we? There can be 12 things you excel at and you’ll focus on the one that receives an Unsatisfactory score. (Or as Julia Robert’s character in Pretty Woman said, “The bad stuff is easier to believe.”)

Our culture is geared toward improving weaknesses to improve performance. Watching out for the negative is a natural human tendency, created out of a survival habit where looking out for danger kept us alive. But constantly looking for what’s wrong takes the focus off of What’s Right. And What’s Right is what makes you special. What can you do that no one else does as well? Or what combination of skills makes you unique?

Marcus Buckingham has written several fantastic books on focusing on your strengths. He defines strengths as things that you do well that also give you energy. We all have things we can do well that drain us – that’s not what we should focus on. Instead, ask yourself, When am I doing great work that energizes me?

Focusing on and enhancing your strengths not only leads to more personal satisfaction in your job, it also positively impacts company performance. The Gallup Organization has conducted ongoing surveys of workers in companies around the world to explore what makes companies and teams great. One question showed the greatest correlation to the most business outcomes:

At work, do you have the chance to do what you do best every day?

Teams whose members strongly agree that they have the chance to play to their strengths every day are:

38% more likely to be high-productivity teams
44% more likely to earn high customer satisfaction scores
50% more likely to have high employee retention rates

Do you know your strengths? How can you spend more of your time (at work and outside of work) utilizing and focusing on those?

Wanting More

October 31, 2012emilydownward

People hire me to help them overcome a variety of career challenges and stresses, and recently I worked with one client who is frustrated that he’s not in a higher position within his company. It’s a natural frustration – I can clearly remember being part of some organizations where I knew I had more knowledge and/or experience than some of my superiors. Having to take direction from them and knowing that they have more clout in the organization AND are making more money gave my brain lots to chew on. (Martha Beck coaches call this “compare and despair,” where you compare yourself to others and end up feeling despair at your current circumstances.)

As I mentioned previously with regard to emotions, “what we resist persists.” This comes into play in a hierarchy situation, too. By resisting where you are, or “what is,” you prolong it. While it’s a natural human tendency to grow and excel, the key to maintaining your peace & sanity in the moment AND to making the process progress faster is gratitude. Find a way – even if it’s a small thing – to feel thankful for what you have now, for where you are now.

I’ve been recording some new podcast episodes for Possibilities Ahead, the free career podcast series about making decisions that positively impact your career, and we had a question from a listener about wanting more versus feeling grateful for what you have now. I see it in a different perspective. Rather than seeing this as an “either or,” I see it as an “and.” Feel grateful for what you have now AND want more. For example, I am grateful for the clients I have AND I’m looking forward to working with more. I am grateful for my income AND I’d like to increase it next year.

Feeling gratitude doesn’t mean you’re giving up on more or that you’re completely satisfied, but it does give you something to be happy about and shifts your focus from lack to abundance. This exercise trains your brain to look for the good, and with consistent practice, you can alter your brain chemistry and circuitry.

(If you have a career question you’d like us to consider for a future episode of Possibilities Ahead, submit your question here.)