emilydownward – Page 5 – Emily Downward

Take Charge of Your Thoughts

January 15, 2014emilydownward

Our brains can be one of our biggest assets in helping us achieve amazing feats and seemingly impossible goals…or they can be our biggest liability in keeping us small, low and stuck.

I’m not sure when I became more aware of my thoughts, but it’s been a huge revelation for me in changing my life and shifting from days where I was barraged with depression, loneliness, anxiety and overwhelm to days with more peace, happiness and contentment. I certainly don’t feel like I’ve reached nirvana: I still have some days when I forget that I can choose my thoughts, and I slide down the tunnel, following the spiraling train of negative crap that my inner voice knows how to do so well. But I’m getting much better at catching it and stopping it.

The brain always searches for evidence to prove our thoughts true. So if you’re in a rut of thinking “I can’t handle this” or “My life is out of control,” your brain will look for examples of how that is true. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more evidence your brain finds, the stronger that thought becomes in your mind.

Learning to become aware of your thoughts can be a process. Even now, I often ask for assistance from a fellow coach to help me see what I’m not seeing. It may be easier to start with how you’re feeling. Identifying what emotions are coming up for you can help you identify the thoughts driving those emotions. For example, “I can’t handle this” may bring up feelings of panic, anger, fear, and/or overwhelm. Shifting the thought to a question “how could I best handle this?” or even dissecting the issue and moving to “I can handle this piece right now” puts you more in a state of control and will shift your emotions to curiosity and confidence.

You are so much more than your thoughts. Remember to choose the thoughts that serve you in doing your best work, living your best life.

Finding Your Focus for 2014

January 8, 2014emilydownward

I like the opportunity of a new year. It is ripe for fresh starts, and the turn of the calendar reminds me of a clean slate to begin anew.

Perhaps it’s because I work in the self-help arena, but I have been bombarded with marketing messages to join new programs that promise to fix me. It’s exhausting and overwhelming. It could be overwhelming because of where I am in my life…I’m dreaming and scheming about what I want my Next to look and feel like.

Often, when I am searching for answers to those big life questions like “What do I do now?” or “What am I supposed to be?” I find myself signing up for classes, buying lots of books and consulting the Experts. I’ve done my share of that in the past few months, diving in and learning a lot. But interestingly, the answers to the questions I’m asking can’t come from outside of me. They have to come from inside.

So as I begin this new year, I find myself simplifying more. I have chosen to focus on a few key areas to learn more about that will help me personally and help me be a better coach. Whenever I start to feel overwhelmed, I remind myself of my focus and purpose for this year and question if the thoughts or activities I’m considering are in service with that purpose. If they’re not, I drop them and consciously choose to direct my thoughts and actions towards my purpose again. It’s only the second week, but I already feel clearer by doing this.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed already by all the demands on your time, all the goals you want to accomplish, and all the dreams you want to create in your reality, I invite you to simplify with me. Choose one or two ideas, concepts or activities you want to focus on. You can do this mentally, as I am, being aware of your thoughts and feelings and directing them back on track when needed. Or, you can write yourself reminders, posting a word or phrase in a place you will see it daily, like the bathroom mirror, your computer monitor or the refrigerator.

Wishing you a blessed and enlightening 2014.

Changing Habits

December 4, 2013emilydownward

Sometimes we make changes to our habits because we have to: we are faced with something so big that it’s obvious that we cannot continue to do things the way we’ve always done them. I’ve seen people make huge changes when faced with a serious diagnosis, an impending new addition to the family, or a change in employment.

Other times, we get the idea to make changes all on our own. We may decide to be healthier by eating better or exercising. We start a meditation practice or begin consciously using more positive thinking. We begin to see or feel a difference and gain some momentum with the new way of doing things.

And then, life turns up the heat. Stress escalates, as it sometimes does, and our default is to go back to our old programming – what we “know,” what feels comfortable. We eat the junk food or “comfort food” that we believe we deserve. We scrap the exercise or meditation because we are overwhelmed with the stress at hand.

It’s ironic that it is exactly these times of great stress when we need those healthy behaviors most of all.

Take, for example, the adage that we should drink 8-10 glasses of water a day. It feels good to be well hydrated. Our bodies and brains work better. Drinking adequate amounts of water helps with satiety, keeps our kidneys happy and helps flush out all sorts of things from our system. If you get a viral infection, like the common cold, what’s the number one advice? “Drink plenty of liquids.” Even though I KNOW that’s the advice, I always appreciate the reminder because I’m so focused on my stuffy nose or headache that I forget to do the basics.

This year, I had some massive stress, like a tsunami ran through my life. For a short while, I considered going back to my old ways. Fortunately, I listened to my body, which was all kinds of tense and anxious when considering that. I also had my amazing support team to help me keep focused on what’s best for me.

What serves us better is to keep on with our new, improved behaviors, even if they feel uncomfortable or if you doubt they will work or make a difference. Even if you doubt it – you KNOW the old ways don’t work. You’ve already proved that to yourself. Stick with the new ways, and give them a chance to create something new in your life. (I’m here to tell you…it’s working for me!)

What I Learned from Making Fire

November 22, 2013emilydownward

Last weekend, I had the opportunity to participate in a nature based coaching seminar led by my friends and colleagues Michael Trotta and Margaret Webb. I learned how to make my own rope, how to tune into my other senses when I’m blindfolded, where I still have work to do on stepping into and owning my space, and…WE MADE FIRE. I was very excited about the opportunity to make fire. I’ve never done it before without matches or a lighter, and I’ve heard Margaret share so many great metaphors about fire-making and fire-tending, relating it to our own inner fire.

We were split into teams of five people and given some wooden tools, a rope and a small wood chip. We were instructed not to speak to each other and to figure it out. My team quickly figured out how the wooden pieces worked together, but it took us awhile to determine how to use the rope. It was interesting not talking. It made us work more as a team. Words can be so limiting to describe things sometimes, and often the loudest or most assertive person can overrun a group. No one could talk over anyone else – we had to use our hands and show what we were thinking. Being silent, it felt like we were more equal.

At intervals, our guides would allow us to talk to each other for one minute, or to ask them one question. We made smoke and heat, but it wasn’t until we’d been at it for nearly an hour that they demonstrated the fine points of how to get it all to work. But still…it wasn’t working. My team members and I traded off on the different roles: one person held the bottom piece of wood, one person held the top piece of wood down, two people worked the rope which moved the middle piece, and one person tended the kindling. As our arms would tire, we’d switch roles. I noticed when I was pulling the rope opposite one of my teammates, they were pulling significantly harder than me. During our silence, I tried to motion to ease off on the effort. Later, when I could speak, I asked them to not pull so hard. But as we worked and worked to make the fire start, the frustration and determination were increasing, and with that, the effort increased as well. I relinquished my role of pulling the rope to tend the kindling. I felt I couldn’t get my point across successfully that the effort was too much. Then, our guide Michael suggested we find a rhythm. I began to sing – not a rhythmic work song, but a calm, soft one: When You Say Nothing at All. I instinctively knew we needed to relax a bit. After the second verse, we had a significant coal. After all that time, it really didn’t take long at all when we had the right technique AND the right energy. My job was to place the coal on the kindling and coax it to life. The flame caught and burst spectacularly into bright light right before my face, and we all whooped and hollered with our success.

I could feel the “must make it happen” energy. I know it well, because I’ve done that for most of my life. I have pushed myself to be more, to do more, to achieve more until I’m physically and mentally exhausted or injured.

Michael said to our intent-on-making-fire team at one point, “It wants to happen.” Ah, revelation! Fire wants to happen! We didn’t need to fight it.

What wants to happen in your life? Can you allow it? Allowing doesn’t mean not doing anything. We were still a busy crew with our fire-making tools. But the energy was completely different as we shifted from the must-make-this-work energy to one that was more playful, more relaxed, and cohesive with each other and our tools. I invite you to play with this energy, to allow what wants to happen in your world.

In pursuit of knowledge,
every day something is added.
In the practice of the Tao,
every day something is dropped.
Less and less do you need to force things,
until finally you arrive at non-action.
When nothing is done,
nothing is left undone.

True mastery can be gained
by letting things go their own way.
It can’t be gained by interfering.

~ Lao Tzu

Living in the Moment

November 7, 2013emilydownward

In the past couple months, my whole life has been turned upside down. Some might say everything fell apart; it could be that it’s falling together. I have become very aware that none of it is in my control, other than how I choose to react to it. I’ve been utilizing my coaching skills and my family, friends and extended network of coaches and energy healers to lean on. I wanted to take this opportunity to deal with this crisis differently than I ever have before.

What that looks like was first, allowing myself to feel all my emotions. There were lots of tears. I also experimented with meditation using mantras, Trauma Releasing Exercises, and Emotional Freedom Technique. All were very helpful, particularly in the most intense times where I felt like I was drowning in the powerful emotions I was feeling. What I didn’t want to do was stuff the feelings. I know stuffing is only a temporary solution, at best, and the energy of those emotions gets channeled in other ways, often causing extreme distress on our bodies.

In the state of extreme emotion and grief, I found I couldn’t make very good decisions, if I could make decisions at all. This is unusual for me, as I’m generally very decisive, but it’s not unusual for grief. My mind still struggles with “figuring it all out.” My thoughts tell me I’ve “had enough time for this grieving sh*t, that it’s time to make moves and DO something.” When I listen to that voice and go through the motions of making plans, I get completely overwhelmed and indecisive. Basically, my heart isn’t ready. Even though my mind thinks it knows best, I’m listening to my heart this time.

Not being able to make big decisions (or even medium-sized ones), I had to take my vision from eagle view down to mouse view. At first, I could only plan day-to-day. I’m now up to week-to-week and moving up to a couple weeks at a time. The only focus for this time is to answer for myself, “What sounds good next?” It may sound too simple, but when you’re in extreme grief, keeping things simple is good. It’s the only thing you can do, really. And when thinking about the long-term decisions gets overwhelming, it’s been extremely comforting to me to bring my attention to the present moment, reminding myself that for today, I have what I need: food, shelter, loved ones, enough money. I have enough for now. This shifts me into a state of gratitude, rather than panic and worry, and it feels so much more peaceful, as well as a better state from which to create a life that I want.

The other critical factor for me during this time period has been reaching out for help. I generally consider myself as someone who is very independent and self-reliant, and I love helping others…I’m not so good at asking for and receiving help. A dear friend and mentor told me in times of grief, we tend to isolate ourselves, when in actuality, it’s the time when we need communities the most. So I have reached out, again and again, and I’ve been given so many gifts of love, friendship, support, from phone calls and emails to shared meals and warm beds to stay in. In losing what I thought was “the love of my life,” I’ve found SO much love in my life. In losing my home, I’m remembering what it’s like to come home to myself, in a soul sense.

I’m still on the journey, still figuring things out as I’m able to, but I can see light on the horizon. The sun is breaking through the clouds of this dark time, and I know that all is well.

Feeling My Way Through

October 25, 2013April 14, 2015emilydownward

Grief is a sneaky little f*&ker. It comes up again just when you thought you were done with it.

Last night I gobbled half a bag of cheddar popcorn before recognizing that I was indeed stuffing something, and it wasn’t just the popcorn. Oh, hello, grief. It’s you again. Damn.

While my logical (read: ridiculous) brain thinks I should be “done with this already!” I’m doing things a bit differently than I have before. And that means just letting the feelings have their moment, even if those feelings are quite uncomfortable. I’m by myself in a remote cabin in the woods, so there’s no one to hear the ugly cries, but still my first reaction is to resist. And stuff with popcorn.

I put the popcorn down and grabbed a handkerchief and let myself cry. And you know what? I didn’t cry for that long…maybe 15 minutes. And then I took a bath and washed all that unreturned love down the drain. I reclaimed my energy for myself and imagined cutting all the cords that had connected me to that other person. I remembered that I am always surrounded by love.

So I may not be through with grief…it may rear its ugly head again. I may be sitting in a coffee shop with a friend, or listening to the radio, or just remember something that brings back the lump in my throat and the tears to my eyes. As Elizabeth Lesser writes in Broken Open, “our grief is proof of how much we have loved.” And I am proud of my capacity to love.

Are You Fighting Against the Current?

October 23, 2013emilydownward

As a kid (and okay, I may have even done this as an adult, too), I liked to try to race against the escalators. If no one was around, I’d try to go up the down escalator, sensing the challenge and increasing my speed to see if I could make it to the top. The escalator stairs kept coming down and taking me down, but I would pick up my feet and try to take two steps up for every one coming towards me to compensate for the downward motion.

While on the escalator this can be a fun physical challenge, sometimes in life, we are pushing ourselves up the wrong escalator and resisting where life is trying to take us. “I don’t want to go down! I’m going up!” We push ourselves and keep forcing movement and effort even against all signs to the contrary.

I understand (and have plenty of personal experience) that the road isn’t always easy when we’re going in the right direction. There is a time and place for dedication and persistence. But that’s not what I’m talking about here.

I’m referring to those times when you and I get so fixated on what we want and exactly what that looks like, even when life keeps trying to guide us another direction.

I’ve been playing with the concept of holding onto the dream while letting go of the how. We can keep our wants and desires, but letting go of exactly what that looks like allows for amazing things to happen. One of the ways to do this is to think about what you want and then go deeper: how will you feel when you have that thing? Focus on the feeling state you want and let go of what it will look like.

There is great relief in letting go, in accepting what is the current reality while remembering that you are moving towards something new. Riding the escalator or current doesn’t mean giving up. But not fighting against what is opens you up to experiencing the joy and blessings in the present moment.

I’m not Fine (And You Might Not Be Either)

September 25, 2013emilydownward

“Hi! How are you?”

“I’m fine. And you?”

“Fine. Nice seeing you!”

How many times do we have this type of conversation with people in our lives? It is appallingly shallow and so common and pervasive that it seems normal. But does that make it right? I recently learned this quote from Thomas Payne: “A long habit of not thinking a thing wrong gives it a superficial appearance of being right.”

As I’m going through a major transformation in my life – it makes every earlier transition period in my life seem inconsequential – I am finding I have no energy for the superficial. I have become much more protective of what I spend my time and energy on, as it is critical for me at this time. I hope I can keep this clarity and conviction to maintain healthy boundaries and doing what is right for me (not at the expense or detriment of anyone else), as it feels like I am honoring my soul or my essential self more than ever before.

I’m reading the book Broken Open by Elizabeth Lesser, “how difficult times can help us grow.” In the first section, she talks about her years of study and experience in personal growth, both individually and as co-founder of the Omega Institute. She refers to the Sufi poet Rumi’s idea of the Open Secret – that each of us hides from others that we are human, that we stumble and fall, that we are afraid and grieve what we’ve lost, dreams and people. When we hide it all from others, they go away and think, “How does she do it all? How come she has it all together? What’s wrong with me?” The irony is that we are all hiding the same secret, making it not such a secret after all. And when you can open the door on your secret, you make it safe for another to open, too.

As my heart is broken open and seemingly bleeding all over the place, I can’t hold it in, so I’m not trying. When I encounter a dear friend or sister or even my caring dental hygienist yesterday who asks, “How are you?” I may begin to tear up or cry. Because truly, that’s often how I am right now: sad, broken-hearted. Most people have been loving and supportive and offer what words or gestures they can of consoling and hope. But others are so uncomfortable. I am not attached to their reaction, which is new for me, but perhaps it’s because I have enough to take care of myself right now. I find it fascinating that MY willingness to share my emotions and feelings makes THEM uncomfortable.

How much life do we waste not truly connecting with others?

Granted, huge caveat here, you need to be careful whom you choose to be vulnerable with. I have learned through trial and error that some people cannot be trusted and may hurt you. I’m choosing to see that as a learning for me, to be more discerning in the future, but not to shut down. Because shutting your heart off, to protect yourself from the pain, also shuts you off from true connection and deep love. And that’s not a bargain I’m willing to make.

And the gifts from being open, from admitting your humanness, are amazing. To be truly seen and acknowledged, just as I am, gives more freedom and security than I’ve ever felt. Freedom to just be, just as I am, and security knowing that even in my broken humanness, I am accepted and loved. I am not alone. And that gives me strength to keep going.

Mondayitis

September 18, 2013emilydownward

From Urban Dictionary:

Call it what you want, but “Mondayitis” is a feeling of weariness, sadness, apathy and general distress that many individuals feel when starting the Monday morning work week.

A couple months ago, I was talking to a dear friend who was having a rough time. She doesn’t feel like her job is a good fit, and she made the comment, “I just need to get through this week.”

It struck something in me, like a tuning fork being struck. I remembered so many times in different jobs when I felt like I was just slogging through the weeks. There was one job in particular, when I had a particularly mean and mind-twisting boss, that I struggled to keep making myself go to. As I was driving to that job on Monday mornings, my heart would begin racing, the first sign of the panic attack that was coming. Other jobs I didn’t feel so anxious about, but many times I had a sense of dread.

I do believe sometimes our bodies are trying to tell us when something’s not a good fit. However, I also believe there’s something to learn in every situation, and our way of thinking can make the difference between suffering through and being productive and constructive. Much as you might fantasize about quitting in a blaze of glory, it may not be feasible for you to quit your job right now. And getting “clean” on your thoughts about your job – which entails observing your thoughts and cleaning up the ones that are causing you pain and keeping you stuck in negative patterns – can enable you to be more at peace with the job as it is. It also enables you to leave, if that’s what’s best for you, in a professional and no-burning-bridges way.

Talking to my friend about her job gave me the inspiration to create Remedy for Mondayitis. It’s an 8-step workbook that guides you to shift your mindset about your work week and helps you be more empowered and in control about what you want to accomplish and how you want to feel. I want to share this widely with anyone who can use a little boost to their work life, and it’s free to download when you sign up for my newsletter. (My newsletter comes out weekly and provides inspirational thoughts, tips and different ways to look at life. Of course, you can unsubscribe at any time.) Even if you don’t find yourself in a Mondayitis kind of way, these exercises can help you get clearer and focused on what you want to achieve for the week.

I’d love to hear how it helps you, or if you have any questions.

Healing

September 11, 2013emilydownward

When I wrote last week’s blog post Let Go, I thought I was writing from a place of being through the worst of my own “Let Go’s.” After all, I reasoned to myself, I’ve had more than my share of losses this year.

Unfortunately, I was wrong, there was more. I got hit by another major change that has knocked me off my feet, casting me off into a sea of grief and uncertainty without a shred of a flotation device.

I feel like this year has been a stripping away process for me, and in the typical square one of the cycle of change that Martha Beck defines, I am wondering who I am. What’s left when all I thought defined me is gone?

I’m still processing a lot and still going through the grieving. I’m not rushing myself to make any decisions. Small revelations are already beginning to percolate in my brain, and I thought I’d share in case anyone else is having a major overhaul transformation of a year:

Sometimes you have to lose everything to find everything. (And don’t be afraid to ask for help.) A friend of mine who comes from an Eastern religion recently shared this with me: “In our spiritual wisdom, there’s a saying that when God likes you, He gives you everything you desire, but when He really loves you, He takes away everything that binds you to this material world.” Early in the year, I chose to leave my home and community in Austin to follow my heart. Then I lost the ability to walk for a while, losing how I viewed myself as a triathlete. Then I lost a source of steady income. Then I was told I can’t conceive. And now I’ve lost my relationship and my home. In losing my relationship, that I thought was the love of my life, and feeling rejected and having dirty pain thoughts of wondering if I’m just unlovable, I reached out for help and received an avalanche of loving support from family, friends, past and current colleagues from around the world. I feel so incredibly blessed and so loved. And I can already see that this breakup can be a blessing, releasing me to truly be loved and cherished for who I am.

I may not be the triathlete I thought I was, or a mother, or a partner. I may not have many trappings or certainty or a permanent address at the moment. What does that leave? I am a coach, a healer – not in the sense that I fix what’s wrong, but that I help people create new experiences. I have been developing some exciting new products and offerings that I know will help people, and I am looking forward to sharing them soon. But for now, I’m going to take some time, use my skills, and lean on my family and friends and work on healing myself, and create a new experience for me.