emilydownward – Page 4 – Emily Downward

The Grand Experiment

April 24, 2014emilydownward

Sometimes I get so caught up in the everyday drama that is my life that I forget that I chose this. I don’t mean I wanted go through, for example, a nasty breakup last year and have to start over from scratch, to the point of having to even buy an iron and toaster again. But in a sense, yes. I believe my soul chose this life, with my wonderful and sometimes wacky family, with my challenges and eclectic strengths and foibles, and that I’m here to learn something. (Sometimes I have a sense of what I’m supposed to learn and other times I’m just bumping along, hoping to just learn how not to repeat the choices I’ve made that led to painful consequences.)

And when I remember, “oh yeah, some part of me (my soul, spirit, higher self, whatever you want to call it) actually chose this, wanted to go through this challenge to have the growth experience of overcoming it,” it gives me a broader perspective, and with that distance, a little relief. I remember that while individual choices matter in that they will lead to consequences of one sort or another, it’s all good. I can’t make too big of a mistake that I won’t be able to later use to my good, for my own life knowledge.

With that bit of distance and relief, I can get more playful, which feels MUCH more fun. How can I experiment here? How can I take a little risk, trust a little more, try something new?

Are you ready to try something new? I can help you with that. Get on my calendar here.

Emily helped me learn to tame the chaos happening in my heart and head, offering tools that allowed me to ask myself questions and reveal answers that I would never have believed would come from within me. ~ Sarah D.

Success Is…

April 17, 2014emilydownward

Success is living your life on your terms and having the willingness to redefine those terms when what used to fit doesn't fit anymore. I was recently coached by a dear friend and talented coach, Jody Low-A-Chee, who quickly identified where I was keeping myself in a painful thought pattern. She encouraged me to redefine for myself what it means to be successful, and as I wrote in my journal on that, I realized I was internally holding myself to a socially driven definition of success, even though I don’t agree with that definition, and getting frustrated when I don’t measure up. (A no-win situation, to be sure.) I believe to be truly successful, we each need to define what success means to us. I began a free-flow of ideas on what success looks and feels like to me now:

Success is enjoying the outcome no matter what you accomplish (or don’t).
Success is being free to make your own choices of how you will spend your time, your energy, your resources and being satisfied with the choices you made.
Success is being at peace with where you are and dreaming new dreams of where you want to go next.
Success is allowing yourself time to savor the good and the hard-fought challenges.
Success is sharing your accomplishments and failures — owning them all with humility.
Success is more than just surviving; it’s thriving in spite of it all and smiling anyway.
Success is finding joy and laughter through the pain and storms of life.
Success is finding reasons to celebrate and give thanks when all seems lost.
Success is being at peace and knowing that you are enough.
Success is finding the light in the darkness, finding yourself again and coming home to yourself.
Success is being okay with who you are — all that is wonderful about you and all that is boring, ridiculous or embarrassing — and having the courage to stand up and proudly say, “Yes, this is Who I Am.”
Success is following your dreams even when it seems impossible, even when everyone tells you it can’t be done.
Success is living your life on your terms and having the willingness to redefine those terms when what used to fit doesn’t fit anymore.
Success is being me, being true to myself in every moment, being kind and compassionate with myself.

How do you define success? What does it look like for you? I’d love to hear YOUR definition in the comments below.

The Thing about Stuff

April 3, 2014emilydownward

I’ve recently completed my fourth cross-country move in 12 months. (Yes, I’m exhausted and the sight of moving boxes sends me into fight-or-flight mode.) I’ve found a nice little place to start my new home on a quiet street in North Seattle. I love the quiet. I am glad to have my own space. And, I could describe my apartment as Cozy.

The truth is, it’s small.

Or, I have too much stuff.

I have been battling the boxes, unpacking them and trying to find a place to put everything, and noticing how creative I can get with the space I have. Finally, though, I had to admit, there is NO MORE SPACE. Every drawer is filled, every closet packed, every cabinet has enough in it.

I’m not a hoarder, and I purge my things at least yearly, going through my closet to identify anything I haven’t worn in a year – besides the Halloween costumes. You never know when you might need to reprise one of those – and combing through the vast collection of bathroom items I seem to collect, including soaps, makeup, skin care samples, aromatherapy, lotion, hair products, travel size toiletries,… you get the idea.

So I’ve been purging more, but I reached a point at which I can’t get rid of much else and I STILL have too much stuff. And it’s stuff I either need to keep (like paperwork that needs to be kept for a few more years) or want to keep (like my Christmas decorations and the china from my great aunt). I realized I have two options: allow it to be piled in an anti-feng-shui manner in corners, OR admit I need more space and rent a damn storage unit.

After trying option 1 for nearly a week, I realized how much this Stuff is getting to me. It stresses me out! One of the questions I love to pose to clients is, “What’s the kindest thing you can do for yourself right now?” Initially, the answer was that it was kinder not to have to think about a storage unit. I didn’t want to pay a monthly fee and really wanted to try and achieve some minimalism ideal. But this week the answer changed to Admit I can’t do any more with what I have and rent some space. Immediately, I felt better. Lighter. Less stress. Ah…

I think many of us do this to ourselves a lot. Life serves us up a challenge (stress), and we Try To Solve It! We go into work-mode. The I-can-do-it and the try-harder mode. And we have pressed our nose to the grindstone so hard that we can’t see the solution: Give Up. It sounds so easy, so lazy, like you’re not trying hard enough. But where has all the trying got you?

Obviously, it’s a balance between trying and giving up that’s the true answer. For me, (and perhaps some of you dear readers) a little more giving up is not only the kinder way to go, it’s also where the solution lives.

Freedom in Being Yourself

March 26, 2014emilydownward

I recently asked the question, “Why am I having so much physical pain? (And, what can I do to not have so much?)” in a guided meditation. The message I got was clear and emphatic: Stop trying to be something you’re not!

On some levels, I’ve never been as congruent as I am now. I think back to when I was in a job I really didn’t like, knowing it absolutely wasn’t the right job for me but partially seduced by the financial benefits and partially just overwhelmed into inaction by the indecision of what else to do. Now, I choose what projects and clients I get to work on. It’s been such a relief and feels so freeing to do the work that I am best at, and refuse projects that do not fit what I do best.

So where am I still not being fully who I am designed to be? That’s the question I’m still pondering for myself, in meditation and journaling. I know there is relief in letting go of trying to be something I’m not, and freedom and self-acceptance in being who I am. I have a hunch my focus in coaching is shifting. My coaching practice for the past three years has focused on coaching people on work, helping them find more joy, passion and success in what they do. I love it, and yet lately, more people are coming to me looking for something bigger than work, and the coaching is going into more big picture purpose and spiritual connections. It’s extremely fun and interesting, and I feel very much of a fellow traveler on this journey with my clients, perhaps leading them from just a step or two ahead on the path. I don’t know where it’s going yet, but I am totally in for the ride.

Where are you trying to be something you’re not? What steps can you take to be more authentically You?

'Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.' — Me in 1979. I marvel at the 7-year-old me who is so confident and sure of who she is.

Holding On, Letting Go

March 11, 2014emilydownward

For the past six months, I’ve been on a journey, emotionally, spiritually and physically. The ending of my relationship thrust me into the chaos of grief and being uprooted without a home base, and it also sent me into an intense healing period and connecting to myself at an even deeper level. I’ve become more in tune with my spiritual center, and less interested in superficiality. I’ve had to let go of many attachments, to people and things, and I’ve found I can get by on much less stuff than I thought.

When I packed a couple suitcases in September, I had no idea it would be six months before I discovered and decided where I wanted to live, found a place, and recollected my things from storage. I guess I could have sped up the process – with my work being virtual, I can live and work from anywhere with good internet and phone service – but I wanted to allow myself time to grieve and not make a hasty decision, to not make a quick decision out of fear and uncertainty but to allow the time to regain my peace and choose wisely.

It hasn’t been easy. Even with all the coaching tools and knowledge, it’s still difficult to let go sometimes. I cling to old ideas of who I thought I was, how I thought my dreams would look, and my heart still wants some of those dreams. I’ve had to grieve the loss and tease out the parts of my dreams that I can hold on to, and those I have to surrender. I still get to keep the essence of the dream, but I know it won’t look like I thought it would. I’m choosing to believe it will look even better than I thought, even though that is currently an exercise in faith.

Trying to hold on is painful – it’s impossible to succeed and it’s painful. The pain for me manifests physically, and I’ve been dealing with some extreme physical pains lately – an indication that the letting go is a process, and I’m still working on allowing it.

I listened to a guided meditation recently that included this phrase: “It all melts away…all that doesn’t serve.” I liked it – I liked it enough to open my eyes and write it down before resuming the meditation! It makes me feel better about letting go, realizing that those things (people, ideas, or objects) no longer serve me. And it reminds me to focus instead on what DOES serve me. I’ve also found this refocusing helpful when dealing with so much uncertainty – focusing instead on what I am certain about, even if sometimes that’s not much! For example, I can get pretty wound up about being technically homeless, or I can give thanks for the friends and family who have graciously invited me into their homes and to their tables. I can recognize that I have a roof over my head, somewhere to sleep, food in my belly. And, I can remember that having always moved around and travelled (being, as my Auntie Norma calls me, a gypsy at heart), I am always at home in my body, wherever on the earth that happens to be. Focusing on the certainties helps me relax, even if just a bit, and that enables access to the creative parts of my brain, allowing me to come up with solutions and ideas.

Many people I know, friends and clients and colleagues, are also dealing with incredible changes and losses. If you are experiencing massive changes and letting go, I encourage you to focus inwardly, find your inner peace – the part of you that is always okay, always perfect. Some may call this the soul or the spirit or your essential self. Connect with that part as often as you can and allow yourself time and space to grieve, feeling your emotions and allowing them to wash through you. Find the essence of your dreams, those pieces you can keep, and let go of the rest. In letting go of those things you try to grasp in your hands, you open your hands to receive something new.

Why is This Happening Again?

February 26, 2014emilydownward

Have you ever had one of those days where you ask yourself, “Why is this happening to me again?!?!?”

I had one of those recently. Frankly, I was pissed. I know I have changed so much about how I deal with things, and it’s beyond annoying to have the same results show up. It could be seen as evidence that all the positive changes I’ve made don’t amount to anything. I know our brains always look for evidence to prove our beliefs correct, and it seems that my brain is STILL focused on those old beliefs, even though I’ve done so much to change my thinking to work for me and for my goals. I know I’m still focused on what I don’t want because my thoughts went something like, “I’m so tired of this! It’s not FAIR! I don’t deserve this!” and I felt like shouting, screaming or crying – or some combination of all three. And then there’s the additional judgment about this thought-storm in my mind: “This is NOT very evolved, mature, or a good example of how a life coach ‘should’ be.”

I recently read a great article by a coach I love from a deliberate creation perspective. Jeannette wrote that those circumstances where it looks like nothing has changed is an echo of what we used to get. Her writing really resonated with me, as she gave the metaphor of how Facebook will ask “Are you sure you really want to do that?” and requiring a Yes or No from us before taking the action we initiated.

Or, as Martha Beck puts it, “Our external circumstances don’t change our feeling states. Our feeling states change our external circumstances.” Martha teaches we have to change our internal feelings first, and that shifting our feelings affects the external circumstances. We often want things because of how we think they will make us feel: for example, “once I get that promotion, then I’ll feel confident and empowered.” Unfortunately, that’s just not the way it works. We have to feel confident and empowered (or whatever your desired state is) FIRST. I’ve seen this happen in my own life and in my clients’ lives. Once the shift is made, the circumstances come about so quickly.

But in the moment of frustration, when I’m raging against what is happening, that this is NOT what I want, it’s so tempting to go back to old patterns of thinking and coping. At least this time, I recognized exactly what was happening and I was aware of what I was thinking and feeling. This is crucial – as I tell my clients all the time, awareness seems so obvious once we have it, but it’s a HUGE first step towards changing things. In that moment, I could see how I could easily think the things I’ve always thought, and do the same things that I used to do to comfort myself. BUT I also know that doing things the same way will keep me in the same, or similar, circumstances. And that’s not where I’m going. I’m choosing a new road. And the answer to “why am I still getting this situation?” is just because I need practice. I haven’t quite mastered this lesson yet.

When do YOU say “enough is enough; what I’m doing isn’t working. I’m willing to try something else”? Are you ready to try something new?

Do It Anyway

February 19, 2014emilydownward

I spoke recently to a group and one of the questions they asked me has continued to circulate in my mind. I keep thinking of additional answers, not in a “I-wish-I-had-answered-it-better” kind of way, but rather, in a deeper understanding of my own truth to the question.

The question was, “How do you teach about such things at your young age?” (Everyone in the group I was speaking to happened to be older in age than me.)

First, I must admit, I don’t think I’m at such a young age anymore! (I recently saw a quote about how I’ll never be as young as I am today, and I’ve never been as old as I am today. Always true!) But being young has consistently been a challenge for me in my professional career. I have been blessed with good genes, and combined with a near obsessive use of sunscreen, I have often been mistaken for a younger woman. It’s a blessing, to be sure, EXCEPT when you are judged critically as being too young to be credible or knowledgeable.

However, the question didn’t make me go on the defensive. It was asked sincerely, without cynicism or doubt in my abilities.

Initially, I was reminded of my first job out of college, working for the Komen Breast Cancer Foundation, where I managed a group of volunteers who were breast cancer survivors and were mostly my mother’s or my grandmother’s age. I respected their knowledge and experience and approached them as a servant leader. I did push them – such as shifting all their resources to computer rather than notebooks and making them all learn how to use computers – but I recognized the value they brought to the group, as well as sharing my strengths.

“How do you teach about such things at your young age?”

The question also makes me think of the somewhat ridiculous name of “life coach.” As if I have all of life figured out and am telling people how to best live theirs! (That’s not what coaching is.) I do not believe I have everything figured out…far from it. But I have learned some amazing tools that have helped me tremendously in rewiring my brain to work more FOR me than against me, as well as tools that help me regain my peace and balance much more quickly when life, as it sometimes does, knocks me off. My life has been impacted by coaching so incredibly that I can’t help but want to share this with others, so they too can experience the joy, peace and success that I’ve been blessed to experience.

“How do you teach about such things at your young age?”

Additionally, the question brings to my mind Marianne Williamson’s often shared quote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we’re liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

And so I will continue to speak, teach and coach to people of all ages who will listen, about my experience, my truth and what I have to offer the world. Because if I shrink away from it, believing that I’m not old enough, accomplished enough or accredited enough, I’m not helping anyone. And in braving the potential critics or naysayers and doing it anyway, I just might make a huge difference in someone’s life.

Where are you shining your light? Where are you hiding it?

What Impact Are You Having?

February 5, 2014emilydownward

I’m laying on my back on the floor in a semi-darkened room. The sunlight is streaming through the window shining its rays above me, and I can see minute dust particles dancing in the space above me. I watch them swirl as I exhale and think about how they must also enter me as I inhale. I’m reminded of how everything is connected, and how at the elemental level, we (and everything else) are made up of energy.

We can’t see it, but we have an effect on our environment and the people around us, in subtle energetic ways.

When you become conscious of this, you can choose the effect you want to have. Are you adding to the negativity around you? Or are you making a positive impact, shining light wherever you go?

Clean Getaway

January 29, 2014emilydownward

I wrote last week about signs that it’s time to quit your job. However, I strongly believe and encourage my clients to get clean about their job before leaving, if possible. What do I mean by clean? Cleaning up your thoughts, taking responsibility for your part of the relationship, and making peace with it all.

[Caveat: I’m talking in generalizations. Obviously, there are some instances and environments when you need to get out NOW. Take care of yourself and do what is best for you.]

1. Cleaning up your thoughts

I believe our thoughts have incredible power. They also influence our feelings, so if you are feeling something you don’t enjoy (like sadness, frustration, fear or anger), examining your thoughts is critical to help you identify WHY you are feeling that emotion. By identifying your thoughts about the job you want to leave and examining them to understand the story you are telling yourself about the circumstance, you can more objectively make decisions that are based on what’s best for you, and not just making choices because of the story your brain is concocting.

When I work with my clients, I help them identify the thoughts that are causing them pain. There are several resources that can help you with your thoughts; one of my favorites is Byron Katie.

2. Taking responsibility

Another lesson from Byron Katie is the concept of business, as in, “Who’s business are you in?” Katie classifies three kinds of business: your business, other people’s business, and God’s business. Your business includes how you think and feel about things. Other people’s business is how they think and feel, including how they think and feel about you. You have no control over that, which you may know if you’ve ever had an experience where you did everything “right” and they still didn’t like you. Finally, God’s business encompasses natural disasters, weather and other big things we have no control over.

When you stay focused on your business, life gets a lot more simple. By taking responsibility for how you feel, you take back your power and also let others off the hook of making you happy.

3. Making peace

Peace is two-fold: it’s best to leave a job in a professional manner (think about the Golden Rule), and keep your mind focused on the positive. That may sound counter-intuitive…after all, you’re leaving the job. But by focusing on the positive – what you learned (either skills, or learned about yourself), the people you connected with, the experience you gained – helps your brain continue to look for what’s positive in your life. Our brains are naturally wired to look for the negative, to keep us out of danger, so shifting your brain to focus on the positive takes diligence and practice. It has immense benefits, as I recently wrote about. Recognize that this job, for the length of time you were in it, played some role for you. If nothing else, it helped you get to the place where you are now.

Leaving a job cleanly not only makes for a smoother transition for you and the company, it also puts you in a better position to begin something new without dragging the old habits, negative thoughts and patterns with you.

7 Signs that It’s Time to Change Jobs

January 23, 2014emilydownward

When I started my career, I had the belief (instilled by my parents and what worked in their generation) that you stay with a company for the long-haul. Of course, that has changed dramatically, and hiring managers don’t negatively view a resume with multiple companies. (However, it’s still a bit suspicious if someone only stays at a place for a year or less.)

Our human propensity for homeostasis and fear of the unknown can keep us stuck, perhaps staying too long in a no-win situation. Here are 7 symptoms that indicate you may need to shift something at work:

You dread going into work. Sunday night panic attacks, Monday morning queasiness, and your shoulders tied in knots are regular occurrences. This is more than the mild letdown after a great weekend or vacation. I’m talking about that sick-to-your-stomach feeling, thoughts of “I don’t know how much longer I can do this” and debating whether to call in sick for your mental health.
You look around and realize you don’t respect or want to emulate any of your superiors. ‘Nuff said.
You are asked to do things against your own moral or ethical values. When you go against your own values, you disrespect yourself and your self-esteem suffers.
You’re not given the resources (time, staff, equipment, other) to do your job well. Despite multiple attempts on your part to make things better (including asking for help and more resources), your efforts are thwarted and/or you get no support.
You aren’t learning anything new or given new challenges to develop your skill set. We want to evolve in life, and part of living is learning. If you’ve stopped learning and being challenged, it’s time to look elsewhere for growth.
Your boss is sadistic. Life is too short, and you deserve to be treated fairly. Abusive relationships, whether in your personal life or professional life, are unacceptable. Save yourself by getting out.
You’re consistently overlooked and underappreciated. If you are achieving your goals and meeting your responsibilities and don’t get recognition for your accomplishments consistently – and by consistently, I don’t mean just once – you may want to look for a more supportive environment. Recognition can come in many forms, including salary, bonuses, verbal praise, company publicity, promotions, etc.

If you are experiencing one or more of the above, (or if you’re Googling “how to know when to quit your job”) you may be a prime candidate for a job change. However, I encourage you to end your job on a clean note: don’t burn any bridges. I’ll write more next week about ending cleanly. Until then, you may want to check out my free Remedy for Mondayitis to create an empowered mindset to take into your work week.