“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
– M. Scott Peck
Pain in this human life is inevitable. Our hearts will be broken (and sometimes our bones), our hopes will get dashed. We must learn how to pick ourselves back up again, and learn how to keep going after we experience loss. Sometimes life hits us hard with something that knocks the physical or metaphorical breath out of us, and other times it’s more like a nagging feeling that something’s just not right. Whatever the instigator, our discomfort can influence change. We realize that what we’re currently doing isn’t working, or is no longer working, for us.
My dear friend and fellow coach Kanesha had a revelation of this sort just last month, when she put herself on a self-care diet. Kanesha is one of those women who have so much going on, it’s exhausting to me just to contemplate it all! I don’t know how she gets it all done — and done WELL — and still looks so happy and put-together. But I can relate to the practice of doing so much and forgetting to take care of me. Self-care is very individual for each of us, but if you need some suggestions, I invite you to check out Kanesha’s self-care series — and it’s absolutely free. She has pulled together some inspiring experts, motivating worksheets and daily reminders all geared to help you take a few minutes each day to take care of the often overlooked but essential self. Oh, and I will be making a guest appearance later in the month. Don’t miss it!
“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”
– Dalai Lama
We all know we shouldn’t judge others. Many of the world’s religions and belief systems advise us not to judge. It’s a good ideal. However, it’s in our nature to judge. It’s common to look at others and compare ourselves to them, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse. We may look at others and wish we had what they had — material possessions, success, relationships, physical attributes — and despair over our lack of these things. Or, we may look at others and see ourselves as superior, better than them because of our actions, situation in life or possessions.
I think life serves up to us lots of lessons, and one of mine was related to judging. I used to think that people who had gotten a divorce just hadn’t tried hard enough, that they failed in commitments, and that they were “less” than people who stayed married. I didn’t ever say this out loud, of course, but this was the dialogue in my head, judging others who were divorced and thinking how I would never be like that…and then I found myself facing a divorce of my own.
I came right up against my internal beliefs, and it felt like a slap in the face. Suddenly, I realized several things: that no one except the two people in the marriage knows what it’s truly like, that there are many valid reasons for divorce, that I was wrong to judge other people when I hadn’t experienced (and couldn’t possibly know) what they had been through, and that I was going to have to revise my beliefs if I was to live with myself.
I had to forgive myself, and it wasn’t easy (or quick). But it was a huge opportunity for me to grow and learn. Cultivating compassion for yourself and others is essential in the journey to inner peace and happiness. Fortunately, we humans still haven’t mastered perfection, and we get many opportunities to learn compassion for ourselves.
I’m having “one of those weeks.” You know, the kind where everything seems to be not working smoothly, where even the simplest things are challenging, where you want to just throw your hands up and give up. And I’ve spilled blueberries TWICE. The thing about spilling blueberries is, they roll away in every direction!
The first time was at the grocery store. [Embarrassing!] I was picking items out of my cart to put on the belt — this was in the express-only-10-items lane, the one where people don’t want to wait long — and one of the last items I picked up was my pint of blueberries. Only I picked it up from the top, causing the lid to stay in my hand while the bottom fell open. Blueberries hit the floor and ROLLED. Ugh. I could see the disappointment and frustration on the cashier’s face. And a little girl passed by with her dad and said, “UH OH!” I apologized profusely and tried to help another employee clean them up. And, I ran for another pint, because I really did want those blueberries!
This morning, as I was making my breakfast, I did the same damn thing! Only this time, it was in my kitchen. Those round blueberries seemed to spring from their confinement, mocking me as they rolled under kitchen cabinets and the refrigerator. I yelled a few obscenities and picked them up, rinsing them again, because I still really want them.
I realize the blueberries are just a symbol — it’s not about the blueberries. That’s just a “wake up call” for me to turn inwards and deal with my stressful thoughts. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) teaches there are two kinds of emotional pain: clean pain and dirty pain. Clean pain is felt when we lose something or someone, grief and a feeling of loss. Dirty pain is related to all the thoughts we have about the loss. For example, when I went through my divorce, I had to grieve the loss of the relationship and companionship, the loss of the dream of what I had hoped for the marriage (clean pain), but I also had thoughts of “what if I never marry again?” or “what if no one ever loves me again?” (dirty pain). Clean pain must be felt — we need to cry, yell, hit a pillow…I found boxing to be very effective. Or, as one of the master coaches I admire so much, Abigail Steidley says, you can throw a tantrum. Dirty pain needs to be disbelieved. And for that, there’s thoughtwork. I’m ever so grateful to Martha Beck for her writings and teachings on how to dissolve these pesky thoughts that cause me dirty pain but don’t serve me. One of my favorite methods for dissolving is using Byron Katie’s Work. Questioning these thoughts sets me free, and I can see that I am more than my thoughts.
And if you need a visual of an adult throwing a tantrum, click over to YouTube for this great video of Matthew Perry in The Whole Nine Yards.
“Our obsession with attaining prevents us from finding contentment. We strive to attain wealth and status and possessions, but there is no end to that desire to attain. It never ends. We’re never content. And so we strive for more, and never find enough. This has led to huge waste, huge inequalities, bad health, and a culture where we look out for ourselves and not for each other.”
Ooh, this totally resonates with me. I’m always looking towards the next horizon, the next goal, the next race. I like projects, especially completing them, but immediately upon finishing something, I’m on to the next project.
For some things, I find it very beneficial to have goals. After completing my first triathlon, I signed up for the following year. But then I moved to NYC and skipped a year. I realized that making that commitment to do the triathlon in June kept me motivated to exercise, especially for the six months prior to the event. The year I skipped…well, that’s when that fat pic was taken of me! So I’ve done it every year since, and even added a couple additional events this year.
Working with my own life coach this year, we talked prior to my annual triathlon. I told her how my goal each year is to beat my previous time, and this year I trained harder than ever before. I got discouraged when I got sidelined for a bit by viruses, a minor bike crash and work travel. I told her I was frustrated that I wasn’t doing enough training. She deftly asked, “What is ‘enough?'” By setting a goal for myself that was undefined, I would never reach it. She wisely reminded me, it’s the JOURNEY, not the destination, and encouraged me to remember why I do this — to keep myself motivated throughout the year, not just that one day.
And I’m trying to enjoy the in-between times, too. Instead of signing up for another event this fall, I’ve decided to still keep up my training (although not at such an intense level) but also add yoga and meditation time. Time to Just Be. And while I still struggle with my inner over-achiever, I’ve also learned to really enjoy the pleasures of taking time to sit by the river, take a nap, or enjoy long lunches with friends. My hope is that you can find and take some time out for yourself today, too.
“If I make one point in this book, I hope it is that the surest way to make ourselves crazy is to get involved in other people’s business, and the quickest way to become sane and happy is to send to our own affairs… Self-care is an attitude of mutual respect. It means learning to live our lives responsibly. It means allowing others to live their lives as they choose, as long as they don’t interfere with our decisions to live as we choose.”
– Melody Beattie from her book “Codependent No More”
Codependent. Enmeshed. These are terms I’ve heard from counselors and therapists — unfortunately, they were talking about me! I’m an empathetic, caring person, and in the past, I would dive so deeply into caretaking that I lost sight of me. Many people want to please others, and there’s nothing wrong with doing nice things for those you love. It becomes a problem when you’re continuously choosing to do what’s best for someone else and ignoring what’s best for you.
I once had a boyfriend who told me, “You’re such a giver, you make it easy to take.” Wow! That said a lot about him AND a lot about me. (If you’re a “giver” like me, you may have attracted people like this into your life. Be careful: there are some people who will attach onto you like a parasite and suck the life out of you!) I believe our relationships — with partners, siblings, parents, friends, colleagues, etc. — are in our lives for a purpose and can help us to learn more about ourselves. This statement was a wake-up call for me. I realized I had been looking to him and his approval to assess my self-worth. That is an impossible situation — I had to determine for myself what I valued and then live those values. Some people are in our lives to demonstrate to us that we aren’t valuing ourselves.
Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent No More” was one of the first steps in the right direction for me. It helped me recognize how to set healthy boundaries and understand that self-care is not selfish. You have to tend your own garden first — if you’re always tending someone else’s, yours will quickly become a mess of weeds and wilted plants. What small step can you take today to take care of you?
“I learned that the best way to change the world is to change yourself.” – Joe Cross
I watched the documentary “Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead” this past weekend. It’s a story of personal triumph, of one man taking responsibility for his choices, specifically what he eats, to change his experience. Along the way, he shares what he is learning and inspires others to make healthy choices in their lives. His choice is to juice – to drink only fruits and vegetables for 60 days – to reboot his body and cure his auto-immune disease. It works, and he also drops the excess weight he’d been carrying around. He offers information, support and recipes on his site Reboot Your Life. The title of the documentary (Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead) is how Joe describes himself at the beginning of the film. I must admit, I’m intrigued by Joe’s approach and am considering doing the 5-day Reboot. It certainly sounds like a healthy way to recharge your system, and who couldn’t use more fruits & vegetables?
A few years ago, if someone were to make a documentary of my life, it could have been called “Fat, Depressed and Nearly Lost.” I was 40 pounds overweight, taking antidepressants and wasn’t sure which direction to go in my life. Unlike Joe, who truly changed his life in 60 days and solidified a new lifestyle within 6 months, it took me slightly longer.
As I turned 36, I realized I had been on antidepressants for 12 years — one-third of my life. For some reason, that really struck me. It’s a long time, and I decided it was time to try life without medications. I also felt, after several stints with different therapists, more than one self-help book, and much personal growth, I was better equipped at 36 to handle the triggers that had led me to depression’s door before. I met with my physician to discuss it, because it is important to taper your dose to limit the withdrawal effects. I had tried to withdraw from them a year or so before this time, and the dizzy spells and accompanying nausea were so bad I couldn’t do it. This time, I was prepared and tapered my dose much slower. It took about 6 weeks for me to completely get off of them. And…I’ve been fine. I have gotten sad, and even cried sometimes, but I haven’t had the depression return. I’ve also noticed a more vivid experience of my positive emotions. It seemed to me that the antidepressants insulated me from feeling my emotions, and without that buffer, life seems more real.
This is one of the last pictures taken of me before I started the weight loss. Of course, my beautiful, thin cousin next to me adds a nice comparison!
With that huge accomplishment down, I decided to tackle my weight. I knew that one side effect of antidepressants can be weight gain, but I also knew I hadn’t been making great choices — my portion sizes were out of control and I wasn’t exercising regularly. That summer I was 36, I was wearing a size 14, but it was getting tight. (I refused to buy anything bigger.) I remember avoiding wearing shorts and how my thighs had gotten so big, it was difficult to cross my legs. I was very aware of my stomach when I bent over or rode my bike. I felt awful about my appearance and hardly looked in the mirror, except just at my face (to put makeup on!). So I made a decision that I wasn’t going to stand for this anymore. I started counting calories, exercising daily, and put the next year’s Danskin triathlon back on my plan. (I had skipped a year and realized how important it was for me to have a date to work towards.) The weight came off very slowly, and it took me about 9-12 months. I’ve fluctuated a little bit since then, but I’ve been able to maintain a size 8.
As Joe Cross notes in his documentary, “What I gained was far more than what I lost.” When you accomplish a goal, even a small one — 2 lbs less or one dress size smaller — you feel more positive about the situation. That gives you momentum to keep going. It’s important to celebrate those small victories to keep you moving towards your goals. While it may seem like there are several hundred or thousand steps to take, you won’t get there without taking the first one. And each step gets you that little bit closer.
“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has purpose.”
– Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
Our lives are so busy. Perhaps not every culture is like this, but here in America, we push ourselves to do More, More, More! Countless articles and books have been written about the art and challenge of multi-tasking, the incredible demands that are placed on us with 24/7 email, mobile devices, social media, etc. I began working at my first job after college before email was commonplace. Do you remember? (or Can you imagine?) We would print MEMOS and put them in each person’s mailbox slot. They would read it at their convenience (or not). There was less expectation of everything having to be done NOW.
Today, of course, we fill our time to overflowing. If you find yourself waiting in line or stuck at a traffic light or sitting on a subway, do you reach for your smart phone to check email, read the news headlines or play a quick game? When you’re in your car, do you ever NOT have music or an audio recording of some kind playing? Do you ever take time to listen to the silence?
I believe sometimes we distract ourselves with noise. We aren’t ready to feel what we know is below the surface or to admit to ourselves that we aren’t happy. We come home from a non-stop day at work and immediately turn on the TV. Perhaps the only time we experience silence is right before we go to sleep. And then we wonder why we can’t fall asleep! Our mind runs through the endless task lists and the “don’t forget to’s” and we don’t give a name to the yearning feeling beneath it all.
I am still learning the art of doing nothing. I have found that meditation — like exercise — brings me great benefits, even if I can only do it for short periods of time. Some is better than none.
I invite you to try to sit with yourself for 3-5 minutes. Just breathe. Try to quiet your task-driven mind chatter and feel the breath entering your body, expanding your lungs and then moving out again. You will gain more connection with your inner self, your soul, at the very least. And if you can make this a practice and find the courage to listen to your feelings, you can gather additional guidance to the longings of your heart.
“No man is great enough or wise enough for any of us to surrender our destiny to. The only way in which anyone can lead us is to restore to us the belief in our own guidance.”
– Henry Miller, American novelist and painter.
Perhaps you are one of those fortunate people who always heard and trusted your inner wisdom. I, on the other hand, was always filled with doubts, and each “wrong step” turned into additional proof that I couldn’t trust myself.
By the time I was 28, I was getting divorced for the second time. (Yes, we get married [way too] young in the South, and yes, they were short-lived marriages.) In addition to signing up for therapy and reading many self-help books to understand why I had chosen the men I chose to marry and in hopes of not “making the same mistake again,” I enlisted the help of my friends. My best and most trusted girlfriends became members of The Committee, and we jokingly agreed that I was not to answer the question “Will you marry me?” without consulting The Committee. You see, I trusted THEIR guidance more than my own.
(I put “making the same mistake again” in quotes because I now see that the decisions I made were each unique and all part of my path. It’s difficult to say if they were truly mistakes or not, as each decision was a part of leading me to where I am and who I am now.)
As part of this wonderful journey to become a life coach, I have been taught simple but effective tools by Martha Beck and her master coaches to tap into my inner wisdom. And I must admit, I was skeptical at the beginning if I HAD any inner wisdom, accustomed as I was to not paying attention to it. But I’m pleased to report I do have some, and I continue to practice listening to it. Most often, it is more of a feeling than a thought. As some say, it’s a “gut reaction.” And each of us is so individual, only our inner wisdom can tell us what is right for us. What’s right for me may not be right for you, and vice versa.
And if there’s any doubt, my cat is also a great barometer. (She didn’t like either of my ex-husbands.)
I have just returned home from a visit to New Mexico. My parents are staying in Cloudcroft, NM to escape the seemingly unending Texas heat, and they invited me up for a long weekend. After 64 days over 100 degrees Fahrenheit here in Austin, it was glorious to breathe the much-cooler, fresh mountain air and feel a chill that made me enjoy putting on a light jacket.
Talking today with a new friend, I mentioned I moved to Austin a little over a year ago from NYC and how much I enjoyed all four seasons in New York. He commented that our summer heat must be really unbearable for me, but you know, it hasn’t been. I have lived in Texas before, and I am familiar with the heat. But this year has been different for me also because I chose to live in Austin. I chose to move here, knowing full well the summers are hot and long. And I am grateful to be here, close to my family and good friends and around abundant TexMex food. I am looking forward to the cooler temps of fall, but I’m not going to argue with the weather. It’s pointless — I’m not going to win — and what does it serve to be annoyed with the heat? It only ends up making me miserable. I am grateful for air conditioning, though!
I have learned that it doesn’t serve me to live my life playing the martyr, or giving up my personal responsibility by saying “I have to…” Saying (even if just internally), “I choose to…” is much more empowering, putting me in the driver’s seat of my own life. I own the choices I’ve made and accept the consequences. If I don’t like the consequences, I have the ability to make another choice. What are you choosing to do?
