“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”
-Louise L. Hay
Sometimes, when what you’re doing isn’t working, the best thing to do is try something else. I am my own toughest critic, have been for years. Has it made me achieve more? It’s hard to say. I have achieved many things and driven myself to do a lot. But not taking care of myself, or giving away all my energy and care to others, doesn’t serve me well. I get burned out, exhausted, and even resentful. For someone who is a natural fit for a caretaker role, taking care of myself isn’t particularly easy. I tend to focus on giving to others. And being a super-giver also tends to attract super-takers, kind of like blood in the water attracts sharks.
It can be difficult to make the switch from self-criticism to self-love. Perhaps some of the criticism you now hear in your own head was first told to you by others you loved and respected, like parents, teachers, or a spouse. And it’s been playing over and over in your head like a tape. But that doesn’t make it true! In fact, it’s probably holding you back from your own greatness.
How do you create a new, more empowering tape? The first step is awareness — recognizing what you’re saying to yourself. When you look in the mirror, do you look for “flaws”? Do you tell yourself that you’re too fat? Too gray? Too old? When you don’t achieve a goal, do you berate yourself and tell yourself that you’re too stupid, unorganized or just a loser? Notice what you’re saying to yourself. Would you talk to anyone you love this way? Try telling yourself what you do like, what you do well, and giving yourself a break. It just may give you the confidence to try again.
“There’s a bigger, deeper world all around us all the time, full of messages and support. We’re marinating in it. It permeates and surrounds our ordinary reality. I wasn’t aware of this deeper world until the Beastie spirits (energies) seemed to find me and I started connecting with them. Observing Beasties helps us tap into this deeper level of information.”
Being a part of the Martha Beck tribe of coaches has opened my world to so many amazing experiences and inspiring teachers and colleagues. In fact, it’s hard to put into words how much my life has changed, and as with any new knowledge, I can’t go back to the unknowing (nor would I want to). Many of the ideas and concepts I’ve learned have at first seemed improbable to me, not logical, and my rational mind at first resisted. Remaining open to the possibility of these has provided me with an expanded understanding of how our world and our minds work. Other new ideas that I’ve been exposed to have resonated deep within me with a knowing that feels like coming home. Sarah Seidelmann‘s work has been like that for me. Her book, What the Walrus Knows, provides a great overview of the gifts and delights we can gain through embracing our connection to the animal kingdom.
Our culture has not always embraced the idea that we, as humans, are part of the greater whole, but with the rise in awareness of our impact on the earth’s ecosystems, we are beginning to understand that our actions have a direct effect on the broader whole. If we look at ourselves as part of this whole, we can start to notice that everything in our life is speaking to us in metaphors. If you open yourself to this possibility, you may receive information and solutions in whole new ways.
Sarah’s delightful book talks about the ideas of animal totems, or beastie energies, and what they can teach us about ourselves and the ways to approach life. There are guest beasties — those that show up at certain times with a particular message — and core beasties — those that are with us for a lifetime to guide and support. Since opening this door, I have been thrilled to welcome in all sorts of guest beasties and have identified a couple of core beasties for myself. Noticing and honoring these beastie energies helps me keep connected to the wonder of nature that is all around me and helps me put my silly human dramas in perspective. I highly recommend this book for anyone that is interested in a fun way to reconnect with the animal kingdom.
Turles are one of my core beasties, reminding me to keep a tough outer shell, stay soft on the inside, stick my neck out, and take small steps towards the goal. Oh, and that it's good to piggyback with larger turtles sometimes!
I started working my first job after college having a sense of determination that I would work my way up the ladder of success, getting more responsibility, more senior titles and more pay. After all, I had gone through the educational system where you do just that, advancing to higher levels with each achievement. And for awhile, I did that. At my first job, at the headquarters of a national non-profit, I was promoted several times over my five-and-a-half year tenure and did very well. Then I decided to switch to the marketing side of things and went to an agency where I stayed for just over seven years. Again, I was promoted and continued to strive for higher positions, more responsibility, and management. Leaving there, I was recruited by another agency that tempted me with an even higher title and pay.
I never really asked myself if I truly wanted to keep moving up. I just assumed that’s what a person did who was successful.
And somewhere along the way, I stopped listening to my body. Before I left a company, I knew there were things that I wasn’t happy with, but I didn’t really connect the symptoms my body was producing as anything more than signs of physical illness or disease.
At that first job, I started taking antidepressants. While I don’t take them now, I do feel like these drugs can be life-saving and can make the world of difference for those who need them. At that time, it was as if someone had taken off the black-out shades in my life. It was amazing! I also started talk therapy and learned some healthy coping skills, but the drugs were so effective and easy that when, a couple years later, I started having anxiety attacks and additional depression symptoms, I went to my doctor for additional drugs. [Note to self: More is not always better!] While the drugs kept me out of the deep abyss of depression where it was hard to function, they also numbed my emotions a bit. I honestly didn’t want to feel what I was feeling, and at that point, I just took more to numb more. When I left that job, I did lower my dose again, although it was years before I was brave enough to try coping without them.
The next interesting symptom my body threw at me was IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I won’t go into details but will sum it up by saying it’s not pleasant! IBS stayed with me for several years, always flaring up during periods of high stress.
The third symptom was back and hip pain. I assumed this was due to my mild scoliosis, diagnosed when I was a teen and always causing an achy pain in my lower back. But it was getting worse, including intense pain between my shoulder blades and my right hip completely giving out when I tried to put weight on it. After seeing several doctors who said that there was no treatment and that I should just “learn to live with the pain,” I got immense relief from chiropractic care. However, it wasn’t a permanent solution, and again, the pain would flare up, often during stressful times.
The thing that helped the most with all of this? Learning from teachers like Martha Beck that the unconscious mind communicates in symbols, sometimes using the body as it’s canvas, acting out its messages. The pain, muscle cramping and other irritable symptoms were my body’s way of telling me I was off course. WAY off course. After all, “disease” is “dis-ease.” My body was screaming at me. The more I ignored it, the more inventive it got to try to get my attention. Muscle spasms locking my neck or shoulders up to the point I couldn’t sleep or turn my head were probably the most painful and impossible to ignore.
I am happy (and relieved!) to report that I no longer have these symptoms. And now, I’m also starting to get some really cool and good feeling messages from my body, signs that I am on the right course. I do still get occasional twinges of pain in my back or hip, and when I feel them, I know it’s time to investigate. What am I avoiding? What’s my body trying to tell me? The message may be that I need to stretch or get some exercise, but it also may be that I’m not being honest with myself about how I’m feeling.
I’d love to hear about your experience: have you noticed this in your life? How does your body “talk” to you?
“Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true.”
– Ralph Waldo Emerson
It is the first day of a new year. I am full of the sense of possibility and hope for the year ahead. And while each new day is a beginning, a chance to start anew, the start of a new year seems more momentous.
I am grateful for the experiences and lessons I’ve learned along my path, and my hope is to ease the journeys of others who may be struggling with similar challenges as those I’ve faced. As I continue to explain to friends, family, and people I meet what being a life coach means, I feel honored to be able to help my clients, teaching them tools to reduce their stress, increase their joy, and tune into their inner wisdom to find their purpose.
So here’s to 2012. What will it bring? I hope to face each day with wonder and appreciation, celebration and love. There are bound to be difficulties, and I hope I remember to ask for help and stay open to learning. Let the journey begin again!
“To navigate the wild world, you need to move your basic perceptual and analytical thinking out of your head and into the whole inner space of the body.”
—Martha Beck, Finding Your Way In A Wild New World
As much as I know time marches on, it’s still amazing to be at the last week of 2011 and look back on the year that has passed. I went through my photos from this year to pull out a few for my holiday card, and remembered the trips I took, the relationships that were deepened, and the huge step I took this year to drastically change my career and follow my passion for coaching.
While my life has been changing in large part because of changes I have made, both internally and externally, I am also aware of great shifts in the world. Our world is changing radically. Systems and structures that once seemed steadfast and permanent have collapsed under economic upheaval or tsunamis. The ideas and beliefs that we once held as “tried and true” methods aren’t always working anymore.
I’m thrilled that one of my favorite authors (and my teacher) Martha Beck has a new book coming out TOMORROW. I enjoy her writing for its honesty, brilliance, inspiration and laughter-inducing humor and have been anxiously awaiting this latest treasure, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World. As a Martha Beck coach, I’ve been given some glimpses, sneak-peaks and overviews, which have done nothing but whet my appetite for the rest of the book even more! In it, Martha describes new ways to navigate your life to fulfill your life’s purpose. I have already pre-ordered the book (available at Amazon.com) and should magically receive it delivered to my Kindle tomorrow, at which point you will be able to find me cuddled on the couch with my cat, savoring every word.
I invite you to get the book, too, and read it between now and February. Then, join me for a free, virtual book club where we’ll discuss the content, try out the exercises and support each other on this incredible journey. I’ve organized the book club on Mondays in February at 12 noon Central Standard Time. Each call will last 45-60 minutes and will be recorded, so if you have to miss one, by registering, you can still get the mp3’s for your listening pleasure. Register to join the group.
Should make for an excellent and interesting launch for 2012!
“Your success and happiness lies in you. Resolve to keep happy, and your joy and you shall form an invincible host against difficulties.”
– Helen Keller
Peace, Love & Joy. That’s what I wish for everyone, of every religion or non-religion as we bring 2011 to a close. I continue to cultivate these things in my life and in my mind and heart, and I thought I’d share three ways you can add more joy into your life this holiday season.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPDpszkLgWw]
1. Look at the world as if through the eyes of a child. Notice the wonder and amazement in a child’s eyes as they experience things for the first time, and take a moment to notice the beautiful and wonderful things around you.
2. Use the 3 B’s. When going through your to-do list, use the 3 B’s to help you get through: Bag it, Barter it, or Better it. If you can Bag it and not do it today (or maybe ever), do it! Bartering could be trading favors with someone else or hiring someone to do it. And bettering it can take on many forms. Think of your five senses — sight, hearing, touch, smell, taste — and how you might bring in something that delights you while you do your chore.
3. Focus on gratitude. Turn your attention to those things you are appreciative of, those things you want more of, instead of the things that frustrate you or add stress to your life. This helps you not only in the moment, by shifting your attention away from negative situations, but also helps by shifting your energy, which will bring more of the good things to you.
These are just three ways to add more joy into your life, but by no means are they the only three! I think you just can’t get enough of joy and would LOVE to hear your ideas for adding more joy in the comments.
Ultimate Relief: Looking over my knees at the beautiful beach in Roatan, Honduras
Do you remember that old Rolaids commercial? I know I’m dating myself by sharing this, but it popped into my head during a cold walk around a local lake in the misty rain and I couldn’t help but giggle! (If you want a trip down commercial memory lane, watch this 1981 Rolaids ad with Roger Staubach!)
So often, we are looking for things or people or experiences that we think will make us feel better. Maybe we are looking for a partner or spouse to feel loved. Or a new job that will make us feel appreciated. Or better finances to make us feel secure. But it’s our interpretation that those things will give us those feelings — certainly not everyone who has a partner feels loved all the time. And most jobs have times when it’s just hard work and appreciation goes by the wayside. And money? Well, it cures everything, right? (I’m hoping that you can read the sarcasm in my words here!)
Perhaps the best thing we can do for ourselves is answer the question, how can I feel better now, in my current circumstances? It could be doing something nice for yourself — like after that cold walk in the rain and wind, I took a hot bath — PLEASE NOTE, you must be able to turn off the critical voice in your head for a few minutes while you enjoy your treat. You know the one, that says horrible things like “You don’t have time for a bath! There’s laundry to do! You should be doing something productive, but now that you’re going for it, look how fat you’ve gotten.” Give that voice a peanut butter sandwich to munch on and for a few minutes, just relax.
But back to relief…if you can’t think of something to do, consider NOT doing something. Give yourself a break from the incredible pace of your overachieving life and leave something undone. I’m not suggesting that you decide not to pick up your kids from the babysitter or not stop at a red light, but there are plenty of things we do each day, that we tell ourselves we HAVE TO do, that truly aren’t necessary for our life to continue.
How do I spell relief? A hot bath is pretty wonderful. Music also brings me joy, and this time of year, I enjoy singing and harmonizing the holiday favorites with my family. Another small thing — and I’m doing it right now! — is heating up my cinnamon & cloves heating pad (similar to this one) and wrapping it around my shoulders. (A great gift from my sister a few years ago.)
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”
~Dr. Seuss
Yesterday, along with several thousand other people here in Austin, I had the privilege of seeing and hearing some amazing speakers at the Get Motivated! conference. The line-up included Colin Powell, Rudy Giuliani, Stanley McChrystal, and Southwest Airlines CEO Howard Putnam (among others). But my absolute favorites were Mary Lou Retton and Bill Cosby.
Mary Lou Retton spoke about her journey to the Olympics and the improbability of her winning the gold medal. (Just six weeks before her Olympic competition, she had knee surgery!) Her message was “don’t let anyone tell you that you CAN’T,” and her incredible energy was infectious. She mesmerized the audience.
Bill Cosby spoke just after Mary Lou and was obviously the favorite of many. He was hilarious, of course, but he also touched on spirituality. He had several great quips, using the lyrical genius of James Brown as his talking points, including “Get up!” and “Do it!” — each of which he would punctuate by imitating James Brown’s “Hah!”
But reflecting back on the day, I think what made these two the most enjoyable to me was that they were authentic about who they are. Neither one tried to be something else or give a message that wasn’t true to their experience. It was a great example (and lesson) to just show up, be yourself and let your light shine. Definitely very motivating.
The Thanksgiving holiday here in the U.S. is focused on gratitude, and we count our many blessings, including family, friends, and the great food. This year, I’m also trying to look beyond the obvious things and find benefits in the struggle, the contrast, the lack of certain things. What can I learn from this situation that isn’t how I want it to be? How can I give thanks for the struggle?
When a butterfly emerges from its cocoon, it must struggle against the chrysalis that has protected its amazing transformation. The struggle is vitally important to strengthen the butterflies wings. In fact, if you cut the chrysalis to help the butterfly emerge, it never gets strong enough to fly, and dies.
Using this metaphor, I know that there is a broader purpose for all those things which I might deem “struggles.” And I am grateful for the process, trusting that something beautiful will emerge.
“You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
– Christopher Robin to Pooh Bear
I’ve been struggling to keep the faith lately. I’m not talking about religion, but rather faith in myself. I am my own toughest critic, and when my lizard brain gets activated, it spits out all sorts of negative talk.
Fortunately, I know that I am more than my brain and its crazy thoughts. I can choose which thoughts I want to believe. Before I got immersed in coaching, I remember hearing or reading people talking about the importance of choosing your thoughts, but it didn’t make sense to me. I hadn’t yet learned how, as Eckhart Tolle says, to be the watcher of your thoughts. Tolle realized he could just notice his thoughts as if they were running at the bottom of a TV screen like closed captioning.
I now understand a little more about how the brain works — although much of it still is a mystery — and I have enjoyed learning from teachers like Tolle, Byron Katie, Jill Bolte Taylor, and Martha Beck. I know now that the left brain, predominant in most of us in our culture, always seeks evidence to prove itself correct. So if we have a thought of “I can’t do it,” we will find the evidence to support that thought. However, if we consciously change the thought to something that serves us better, like “I can do it” — and seek to find as many pieces of evidence to support the new thought…well, that’s how we can rewire our brain to work FOR us instead of against us.
So today, I’m choosing to believe I can do it. I can accomplish things I once thought were impossible, like a triathlon, or moving to a city where I know no one, or starting my own company. And just like the triathlon, which I always want to mistype “triathlong” — and it does seem impossibly long at times! — I will make it to the finish line if I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. And you know what else? I believe in you, too.
