emilydownward – Page 11 – Emily Downward

Getting What You Want

August 21, 2012emilydownward

What do you want? What do you really want?

It’s a standard question coaches pose to clients, one that I pose to new clients, and one that I have pondered myself. What do I really want?

During times of great stress, sometimes all I could muster as an answer is for the stress or cause of pain to end. I think when you’re in the thick of it, it’s difficult to dream big. Like if you’re in the foyer of an Italian restaurant and someone asks you what you want to eat, you think of the Italian options – lasagna, spaghetti, manicotti, ravioli – you don’t even consider other cuisines, like Thai, Indian, or French, which you could have if you stepped out the door and walked down the street. You limit your options subconsciously. We do this in other areas of our lives, too.

So allow yourself to dream big, dream without rules or limitations, dream beyond your current circumstances, and come up with your heart’s desire. Got it?

Now, consider that what you really want isn’t what you’ve got in mind, but rather what you think having that thing or experience will make you feel. It’s all about the feeling state. How do you imagine you’ll feel when you have that perfect job, tons of money, the ideal body or your soul mate? That’s what you’re really after.

As Martha Beck writes in her book Steering by Starlight, while we think we’ll get these feelings by getting what we want, “External circumstances do not create feeling states. Feeling states create external circumstances.” Martha gives this example in the book:

“You’re an employer looking for someone to hire. Two candidates apply. One is desperate and frantic. ‘Please, please, I need this job; you’ve got to help me,’ he begs. The other candidate is calm and confident. He asks, ‘How can I help you?’”

Once you recognize the feeling state you’re after and find ways to feel that (or recognize where you already have this in your life), you’re much more likely to get what you’re wanting. (And you may find you don’t want it anymore, or at least not as much, once you realize you’ve already got what you really want, the feeling.)

Several of my clients are working towards their next promotion, and one mentioned to me that she really wanted the next title, that when she got that, then she would feel confident. Having been on both sides of that title (before and after), I told her from my experience that having the title doesn’t bestow that confidence. In fact, acting with confidence now, she’s more likely to receive that promotion.

So consider what you want, and then go deeper: what will you feel when you have that or experience that? Finding ways to experience that feeling now will not only give you more happiness, it will also make it easier for you to get those things you wanted in the first place.

The Splinter You Can’t Ignore

August 14, 2012emilydownward

Have you ever noticed that once you notice something, you can’t “un-notice” it? It’s like when you notice a splinter in your finger but don’t have the means to get it out. You may try to put it out of your mind, but you can’t stop picking at it. You know it’s THERE and you become fixated on it.

Sometimes we’re not ready for the truth. We tell ourselves everything’s fine or that we’re doing the “right thing,” but our bodies don’t lie: the stress shows up in our muscles, our digestion, our shallow breathing. And when we finally face the truth we’ve been avoiding, admit to ourselves that something isn’t right, that’s the point at which you can’t un-notice.

Perhaps this is why we like the state of pretending like it’s all okay. Because if we truly admitted to ourselves that something wasn’t right, then we’d have to DO SOMETHING about it. So we hang out in the “I’m fine,” self-medicate and pamper ourselves with massages, mani/pedi’s and decadent foods to distract us and try to make up for the splinter that we are avoiding. But then the splinter gets worse. It gets infected and more painful than before.

I once heard Oprah talking about how God whispers to us. First it’s a gentle whisper, or a tap on the shoulder. If you don’t pay attention, the next one might be a shake of your arm. If you keep ignoring the message, you get hit upside the head with a brick.

In my personal journey (and by personal, I mean both my personal & professional life), I’ve learned how to listen to those whispers and gentle taps. It’s MUCH easier to deal with those than the brick. But it’s been a long journey: I was so deaf and numb to those messages for so long, trying to convince myself that what I had (or what I was doing) was what I wanted, or rather what I should want.

One of my coach colleagues loves to say, “Stop shoulding on yourself.”

If you’ve got a splinter in your life, here’s three steps to making it better:

Acknowledge it. Admit that there’s something wrong. This doesn’t mean it will always be wrong, or that you’re a failure for thinking so. It also doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. But how can you fix it if you don’t first acknowledge it?
Imagine what you do want. Even if you don’t know the particulars, think about how you want to feel. Recognize and believe that you can have what you want.
Each day, take one small step closer to what you want. And by small, I mean SMALL. Martha Beck calls these Turtle Steps. A step so small it seems impossibly easy to accomplish and it also doesn’t in the slightest overwhelm you.

Turtle steps can include researching your options, asking for help, following your “feel good.” If you need some assistance, drop me an email or leave a comment below. I absolutely love helping people get on track to their right and best lives.

Staying In-the-Moment

August 7, 2012emilydownward

I was on vacation last week, watching the beautiful ocean and feeling amazingly grateful to get to swim with the fish, but I missed quite a bit of the Olympics. I effectively unplugged, though, so I was able to shield myself from much of the results. I’ve enjoyed catching up on all my recordings and watching an overload of Olympic events since I’ve been back. I so admire these exquisite athletes and love watching them charge towards their goals and dreams. The triumphant smiles and tears of joy give me goose bumps.

One of the things I’ve noticed across events is the value of staying in the present moment. Several of the athletes have mentioned it, how they have to get out of their heads, not over-think things. I believe it’s been the deciding factor for many of the athletes. Watching the gymnastics, you can almost see it on their faces, whether they are thinking or whether they are fully focused on the element as they are doing it. When one of the gymnasts had a fall or an error, the ability to stay focused became even more important, not to let the internal dialogue take over but to continue to finish the routine in the way they had practiced thousands of times.

I think the ability to stay present is not only critical to success, it is also a key element in happiness. On my recent vacation, my nephew lamented on Day 2 that we only had 3 days left. In his mind, he was already leaving! While what he said was true, I reminded him that it was also true that right at that moment, we were in paradise, that “today” we would get to snorkel with the fish.

I had to chuckle at my nephew. I’ve been guilty of looking ahead so much that I miss what’s right under my nose, too. Other times, I’ve focused too much on looking back. And while it’s valuable to review what happened to make changes to your technique and approach for the future, and it’s definitely valuable to look ahead for planning and setting goals, the only thing we ever have is Now. This moment is the only one you are living right now.

Right now, find something you are grateful for. (If nothing else, you’re breathing – your body is effortlessly pulling in oxygen and sustaining life. You’re reading – your eyes and brain are working in magnificent symphony to comprehend.)

Right now – or, right after you finish reading this! – focus on the task in front of you. Write down other ideas or other tasks on your To-Do list to help clear your mind to stay present.

So channel your favorite Olympian and remember to stay focused. You’ll be less stressed, more focused and more likely to gain success and happiness.

Going Solo

July 31, 2012emilydownward

I’ve been in business as a “solopreneur” for a year now. I’m partially amazed and stunned by this — I’ve never done anything like this before, never owned my own business and wasn’t always sure how I would do it all, and a year has gone by very quickly — and partially very proud of myself for making it happen. There were a lot of fears to overcome. “Can I do this? Will I succeed? What if I fail miserably?” There were a lot of mini failures to overcome. I had to pick myself up from the self-pity that sets in when something doesn’t go right, make changes, and try, try, try again. And there were also lots of mini successes (as well as some big successes made by clients. Yay, You!).

Often when working towards a really big goal, we get frustrated that we’re not “there” yet. I have set certain goals for myself for my coaching business, and frankly, I haven’t achieved them all yet. One of my loving coach buddies gently reminded me to look back, look how far I’ve come. Yes, I’m not “there” yet, but I’ve come so far in just the past couple years.

It’s natural to have a negativity bias. After all, it’s a survival skill that kept us humans alive back in primitive times when being on the lookout for danger and noticing what’s wrong could help you make it through another day. But it’s critical to celebrate achievements and things we are grateful for to maintain a positive outlook and feel happier.

When I started out, armed with my lofty goals, beautiful new business cards, some office supplies and my laptop, there was so much I didn’t yet know. (Fortunately, I also didn’t know how much I didn’t know!) I wasn’t sure exactly what the road ahead would look like or what I might encounter along the way. Similar to a cross-country road trip, you prepare as best you can and then just start driving. You can’t see the whole road ahead at once, but as long as you can see where your headlights shine on the pavement in front of you, you can keep driving.

And there were some things I always knew I could come back to during those times of major uncertainty. I am more confident about coaching than I’ve ever been about anything in my life. I know that coaching is the profession for me. When I have doubts or need coaching of my own, my amazingly supportive tribe of Martha Beck coaches is always there to remind me who I am, cheer me on or listen to me vent.

I feel a huge amount of gratitude for each of you reading, those of you who comment, those of you who are subscribed to my mailing list, and most especially my clients, who have given me their trust and allow me to do what I love. From the bottom of my heart, Thank you!

I’m celebrating by taking a week off, recharging my batteries with family and friends in Cozumel. Hasta la vista!

Work Success Secret #3: Shift Your Focus

July 24, 2012emilydownward

This is the third in a series of posts designed to provide you with tips to be more successful at work, despite the increasing demands that are occurring across industries and across job titles. In the first post, I talked about creating, setting and communicating boundaries (Set Your Hard Limits). I covered how I learned this the hard way, and realistic, small ways to begin to enforce your own limits. The second post talked about shifting your physical state out of fight-or-flight mode to access your creative mind (Nourish Your Creativity). I provided a couple of easy ways to calm and center yourself. This third post is all about your focus.

Through my life coach training and in my continuing studies, I’ve been fascinated to learn more about how the brain works. Our brain is constantly adapting to our environment, our responses and our thoughts. When we think a thought, our brain likes to prove itself right, so it looks for evidence to back up this thought. So whether we think “I work with a bunch of idiots” or “I work with some really great people,” your brain will be focused on finding evidence to prove either one. (Which thought do you think is going to make you enjoy your work more? You get to choose. And before you go defending yourself with “But Emily, I really DO work with a bunch of idiots!” notice my second thought said SOME great people.)

Thoughts that we think over and over again become beliefs. These are created over time, influenced by our families, our upbringing and our communities. Some of your beliefs may be more conscious than others, but regardless of whether you are conscious of them or not, they shape the patterns of your thoughts, and therefore, what you experience.

Right now, take a minute and jot down the first three words that come to your mind when you think about Work.

Surprising? I was blown away to discover some of my own undercover beliefs about work. The connections in my mind were not at all positive. (If you didn’t write down your own beliefs about Work, do it now. Just write the first things that pop into your head.)

If the beliefs you hold about Work do not match what you want for yourself (and mine sure didn’t!), try this: write what you’d like to experience and try to find evidence for it in your current job. For example, perhaps you want to experience fun at work.

Now your brain is used to its existing patterns. You’ve built up strong neural connections between work and the beliefs you wrote down, compiling evidence to support those beliefs for years. It’s completely natural for you to have resistance to this, but you can create new neural pathways, new ways of thinking. It’s like a brain teaser, so play with this idea for a minute.

If you consider “Work is fun,” try and come up with at least 3 pieces of evidence how this could be true. Perhaps it’s fun when you get to collaborate with certain people, or it’s fun when you finish a big project. The more evidence you find, the more this new idea will get cemented in your brain.

If you go into a situation looking for trouble, you’re bound to find it. But if you go looking to be amazed, it’s amazing what you’ll find.

Work Success Secret #2: Nourish Your Creativity

July 17, 2012emilydownward

Have you been feeling increased pressure at work? One of the effects of the economic downturn has been for companies to create leaner teams, so if it feels like there are less people to do the same or more work, you’re not alone. In addition, we have amazing technology which allows us to be connected 24/7. Great in so many ways, especially in an emergency or if you get lost, but it doesn’t allow for much, if any, down time. Western society is so busy, and there’s a constant pressure to do more, more, more! It’s exhausting, and it takes a toll on your body. It also takes a toll on your ability to be creative. This is the second of three posts of what you can do for yourself in this situation.

Our bodies are designed to respond to times of stress by shifting our hormones, getting us prepared for fight-or-flight. It was very helpful when we were in caveman and cavewoman days. When a saber-toothed tiger showed up, we could leverage the burst of energy from our body’s response to escape. Some of the physical changes that occur include taking blood flow away from digestion to the muscles in your arms and legs, increased heart rate and respiration. The brain also shifts function from the outermost layer, the cerebral cortex, to the inner, more instinctual parts. When the danger had passed, we would breathe a sigh of relief – a physical way to tell your body the time for fight-or-flight is over, and your body could release the stress hormones and go back to calm.

Although the dangers in our lives have changed, our bodies still react the same way. I frequently talk to clients who experience stress at work and describe a sense of panic. I can hear over the phone their breathing is shallow and fast, and many people notice their heart beating quickly. The “tigers” today are constantly ringing phones, over-booked calendars and schedules, and never-ending email. (I remember when I was in the corporate world my set-point for email was to try and keep it under 100 or less unread. Most of the emails I received needed a response from me, and the incoming volume was more than I could keep up with. 100 was significant, but I really noticed my stress levels skyrocketing when it got above that.) The New York Times recently covered the issue of the insane amount of emails that are sent and received and noted how it is a major cause of stress.

Unfortunately, this fight-or-flight state of being shifts you out of your creative mind and makes you less productive. The brain is focused on survival and can’t make the connections and associations that create new ideas. And our work is not just demanding that we do more, more, more, they also want you to be brilliantly creative and conceptualize the next big thing. Or in fields like medicine and science, the creative brain is key to solving puzzles and treating patients with unique combinations of symptoms or conditions.

The simplest and quickest way to shift your body and brain out of the fight-or-flight mode is through breathing. Our breathing is the one thing that can be either automatically controlled, such as during sleep or fight-or-flight, or controlled by our conscious decision. By taking a few minutes to focus on your breathing, consciously drawing in a deeper breath and releasing it more slowly, your body will realize you are safe and you will be able to access your amazingly creative side. An easy way to do this is to breathe in to a count of 5 and breathe out to a count of 5. Do at least 3 inhalation and exhalation cycles.

I would suggest adding “Breathe” reminders to your calendar or phone. While this may seem ridiculous – who forgets to breathe??? – taking a short time-out several times a day can have amazing benefits to your physical and mental processes. If you want to take it to the next level, take 15 minutes to do a brief meditation or take a short walk outside. (I call these my non-smoking breaks.) While this doesn’t change the stressors in your work life, it can change your perception of them and therefore reduce your stress level. And your creativity should get a boost as well.

Work Success Secret #1: Set Your Hard Limits

July 10, 2012emilydownward

I’ve been talking to a lot of people lately about the increasing demands at work. It’s happening across industries: more work for fewer people, and increasing levels of stress across the board. People are feeling exhausted, overwhelmed and overworked. I think companies are going to have to make a change in the way business is done, taking care of their people as their greatest asset, but this is the first post in a three-part series of what YOU can do as the employee.

For many years, I worked in the agency world: internet, marketing, public relations. There was always more work than people and time to do it, and an incredible number of emails, meetings and client demands. After one particularly devastating break-up, I threw myself into work to fill up the time that had been previously spent with my boyfriend and our mutual friends, spending extra hours at work as a distraction and a balm to my newly empty evenings. It worked…for awhile. But I began to feel burned-out, needing the balance of work and not-work. Unfortunately, I had done extra work for long enough that people were used to it. While some of my coworkers had to leave the office at a specific time to pick up kids from daycare or go to exercise classes, I became known as the one who could stay late. I was the go-to person for extra work, especially crunch-time work. Extricating myself from this was tricky, but I knew it was up to me. I had gotten myself into it, and I was determined to get myself out! I realized by watching my coworkers, and how the company responded to them, that I could set the boundaries on my time. So even though I couldn’t suddenly have kids to pick up from daycare, I began saying “I have a class tonight at 7:00. I have to leave here by 6:30.” Whether I had a class or not, I was making the commitment to myself, to my life outside of work.

I truly believe we are given lessons in life, and if you don’t get it the first time, life gives you multiple opportunities to learn the same lesson again. Setting boundaries is one of those lessons I’ve had to practice several times before getting it, and it’s a constant one. You may go through times where you establish your boundaries well and have them respected, and other times where you give a little here and there for a period of time (like during a particular project or new business effort), and then you must re-establish your boundaries again.

As a single person, I saw that my colleagues with children knew they had to do this. Daycare closes at a certain time. Other colleagues who commuted knew they had to leave to get a particular train. But it’s important for everyone to know and set your own limits, boundaries for your time.

If you’re thinking, “Emily doesn’t understand. We’ve had layoffs, and I’m fortunate enough to still have a job. I have to do whatever they ask to show I’m a hard-worker. I have to keep this job!” While I don’t know the particulars of your specific workplace, I can tell you that you can’t keep waiting for the company to change. As Gandhi said, “You must be the change you want to see in the world.” Start small: instead of eating at your desk, take lunch outside of the office one day a week. Leave the office a little earlier than you usually do one day a week. (I’m guessing you’re working a great deal more than 40 hours/week, and I’m not suggesting you try to cut below 40, but how about 55 instead of 60?)

In my experience, the company will take as much as you’re willing to give. The company will not tell you, “You shouldn’t work so hard. You should take off early and go spend some time outside.” But YOU know what you need, and it’s up to YOU to communicate your limits.

Quitting vs. Knowing When to Call it Quits

June 27, 2012emilydownward

In my family, we enjoyed playing different board games. I started playing Scrabble as a young girl against my dad and my great aunt, both fierce competitors with [to me] astronomical vocabularies. I didn’t win a game against either of them until my aunt was in her late 80’s. I think I may have bested my dad once (as an adult).

Playing against either of them often seemed like trying for the impossible, but I learned from my losses. I watched them, learned their strategy techniques and new words.

I’ve recently started playing Words With Friends with a new friend, and thanks to my Scrabble boot camp as a child, I’m pretty damn good at this game. My friend has been taking a metaphorical whipping to my Words-play. Several times, as my score is 100+ points over his, he’ll resign and start a new game. At first, I was disappointed in him for resigning – it seemed like he was giving up, quitting. But looking at it again, he starts new games with me each time. I realized he knows when to call it quits, which is different than “quitting.”

I’ve often put pressure on myself for giving up on things. I admire persistence and determination, and I’d like to be true to those values. But with two divorces, I often wonder if I gave up too easily. I’ve come to terms with it because I know I made the right decision and that each relationship was detrimental to me. But turning it around, what if I had given up sooner (like before it got to a wedding)? Maybe it’s not that I gave up too soon, but that I tried too hard to make a bad thing work.

The same can be said for my employment history. I’ve been taught that you should stay with a company for a length of time – at the bare minimum a year, but preferably more – because it shows dedication and will give prospective employers credibility in your commitment. But what if it’s not a healthy work environment for you? Sticking it out, trying to convince yourself it’s the “right thing to do” even as your stomach ties in knots and your heart races each Sunday night before the next work week,…what are you really gaining by putting in another year, another month, another few weeks? And what are you trading for that? Evaluate the transaction and see if it’s worth it to you.

Consider the time and energy you are putting in versus what you’re getting out of it – salary, status, sense of accomplishment, achievements, what you’re learning, resume- or portfolio-building projects, working with great people. Like any relationship, there will be give and take, times when you have to put in extra hours or extra effort. Look at the bigger picture and see if the transaction is favorable to you. If it’s not, where can you make small changes that could have a big impact on your enjoyment?

And how do you know when it’s time to call it quits? For me, it’s when the transaction is so unbalanced, it’s not healthy for me to continue and all efforts to make changes have failed. I often try and try and try to make things work, because I do value persistence, but I’m starting to realize I might be better off saving my energy for the next game. Perhaps it’s better to admit defeat, move on, and start a new game.

It’s the Journey

June 20, 2012emilydownward

Our culture is very goal-oriented. It’s difficult to avoid this mindset, and although I remind myself to enjoy the journey, remind myself it’s not about the destination, I still fall into the usual, accepted way of measuring myself by my accomplishments.

This past weekend, I was participating in my 7^th sprint triathlon. Last year was the first year I did 2 in one year; I usually do one annually. I know how to train for them by now, and while I’m not the fastest by a long shot, I give myself a personal goal of trying to best my previous year’s time. Some years, I just beat my time by a few minutes. I am proud to finish and proud to know I got a little better. Growing up, I was never an athlete, and I get a kick out of knowing and calling myself a triathlete now. They also remind me that I can do things I think I can’t.

Sunday morning, the day of the race…I’m feeling good, well-prepared, ready to go. The swim went well, and I found a steady rhythm. I completed the swim in my best time yet, and I headed out on the 14-mile bike course. This course is close to where I live, and I’ve been training on it at least weekly. As the miles pass by, I’m happy with my time and feeling good. I pass mile 8 and then Bam! I hit something and my back tire is flat. I pull over and one of the volunteers who is helping direct traffic helps me patch and reinflate the inner tube. At this point, I’ve lost at least 15 minutes. I’m off again, but within a few yards the tire is flat again. I try one more time to reinflate it, but it doesn’t work. I finally realize I’m going to have to accept that I can’t finish the race and start to walk my bike back.

My thoughts were swirling. The word “forfeit” tasted bitter in my mouth. It sounded like quitting. I don’t want to be a quitter! But of course, there was nothing I could do. I didn’t fail; my equipment failed. I did chastise myself for not having another inner tube or not being able to fix it better. (I learned later that whatever I hit had torn through the rubber tire, too. There was no way I could have fixed it at that point.) And of course, I thought, “Why is this happening to me?”

As I walked along – slowly, as bike shoes aren’t meant for walking – I watched all the other cyclists pass me. Soon, it seemed I was the only one left on the course, so I walked in silence. I noticed the beautiful corn field beside me and noticed and was grateful for the cloud cover above. I was trying to focus on the positive as much as possible, and I was also grateful that I wasn’t physically hurt. I wish I could tell you I was completely peaceful and serene, but I still had some processing to do. I cried a bit when the police officer came and picked me up to drive me back, and I got choked up admitting to the race director that I had to forfeit.

Even when we are completely prepared for something, when we’ve done all we can do, there’s still so much that is out of our control. I realized the other day (many days before the triathlon) that life gives you a series of lessons to teach you you’re really not in control. And then, it’s as if life asks you, how are you going to respond? What are you going to do now? That’s where our control comes in, in our response.

Ebb and Flow

June 11, 2012emilydownward

“Because things are the way they are, things will not stay the way they are.” ~ Bertolt Brecht, German poet

Last week, I took a day off work to join my sister and a handful of kids to celebrate my nephew’s birthday at Schlitterbahn, an award-winning water park in New Braunfels, Texas. I hadn’t been to Schlitterbahn since I was a teenager, and I was excited to get to experience it again, especially with the kids’ enthusiasm and sense of wonder and adventure.

Most of the rides require you to be in an inner tube. Some are lazily slow-moving rides and others mimic mild rapids, with twists and turns and spins that elicit whoops and cries of glee. The rapids also create vortexes, little areas of whirlpools that cause you to stay in one place while you watch the other riders pass you by. I helped one boy in our party who kept slipping into these vortexes. “I’m stuck! I’m stuck!” he cried as I was coming by, and I would reach out with a hand to pull him along or bump him out with my inner tube. Sometimes, bumping him out would free him but put me in the stuck spot, and other times, I found the vortexes all on my own. It is a frustrating place to be, and given that you’re stuck in the tube with minimal access to your limbs to help you, it’s difficult to get out on your own.

The experience at the park was such an obvious metaphor for me; I couldn’t help but think of the vortexes and stuck places we experience in life outside the water park. When I found myself stuck and not moving forward, I could struggle and tense my muscles, kick off from the side or paddle with my arms, or…I could relax, and enjoy being in the water on a beautiful day, remembering that eventually, someone else would come along to bump me out and that the water would carry me down to the end of the ride where I would meet up with my friends again.

I’d like to say I took the Zen approach more often than the Workaholic approach, but my sore muscles the next day were an obvious sign that that wasn’t the case! However, when I noticed my frustration and sense of mild panic — accompanied by thoughts of, “Everyone’s ahead of me! I need to catch up! Ah, I’m stuck!” — and in noticing, I could take a breath and calm myself, deliberately focusing on something else — like the fact that I’m floating along at water park and not working! — I enjoyed myself so much more. It made the whole ride more pleasurable, and after all, isn’t that what it’s about? Enjoyment.

Back on dry land, I’m looking for the parallels between the water park vortexes and the parts of my life that seem stuck: relationships not working the way I’d like, projects stalling or failing, not being able to reach the next level of fitness I aspire to… I’ve been trying to push my way through these, and to be honest, it hasn’t worked so well. While accepting that where I am is where I’m supposed to be isn’t as pleasurable as realizing I’m floating in cool water on a warm day, it does take the self-imposed pressure off. And maybe, for now, that’s enough. I’m not going to be in this place of stuckness forever. I will continue to work towards my goals, and I know I’ll eventually get there. Acceptance isn’t about giving up, it’s a state of allowing. Because whether I struggle against it or not, where I am is where I am. It feels a lot better to accept it rather than fighting against it.