emilydownward – Page 10 – Emily Downward

Knowing Your Why

October 24, 2012emilydownward

One of the tools in my coach tool belt actually comes from Toyota. The Japanese automobile manufacturers came up with a simple but highly effective way of determining the root cause of an issue by asking a series of “Why” questions. As a coach, I often use this with my clients to help them understand their motivation behind their actions, thoughts or fears. You can also use this on your own through journaling.

Understanding why you do what you do is critical if you want to change a behavior. For example, if you notice that you tend to hit the break room and gorge on junk food when you’re under a lot of stress at work, digging into the Why can help you find more healthy and effective ways of handling your emotions.

Understanding your Why is also important to realizing your goals and feeling fulfillment. We all need to have a sense of purpose, to feel like what we’re doing matters, whether that’s on a small or large scale. When I was in a job that felt like it was sucking the life out of me, big shifts internally – which preceded the external shifts – happened when I started asking myself why I was doing the job. The title did fluff my feathers a bit, I’ll admit. And the money was really good and made obtaining material things fun for a while. At first, I also enjoyed the challenge of the work. But when those things became less important to me, I realized I needed to find another way to make a living that was more in line with my values.

Why do I coach people on career issues and challenges? The tools and training I’ve received have given me so much freedom and peace from the limiting and painful thoughts (that I didn’t realize I was creating), and I want to give others that same freedom to allow them to fulfill their own goals. I have experienced time and again that coaching works, both personally by getting coached and with my own clients, and I love being in the position to help others find their purpose and joy in their work.

So what’s your why? I’d love to hear in the comments below!

Embracing Anger

October 17, 2012emilydownward

Anger is a tricky emotion for me, not one I generally enjoy. For years, I pushed it away, buried it inside or just avoided it altogether. Of course, this doesn’t work. Stuffing any emotion causes a negative reaction in the body. I’ve heard “Emotion” defined as “energy in motion,” and when we dam it inside, stifle it, it’s similar to shaking up a soda can just before you open it. The energy builds up, ready to blow.
I still don’t enjoy all my emotions, like anger, but I’ve become a student of them. I see them as teachers, as feedback, trying to tell me something. Feeling them also allows them to pass, where stuffing them keeps them around for a lot longer.
If you – like me for many years – have a difficult time feeling your emotions, I highly recommend breathwork, yoga or a similar form of exercise. I was recently in a challenging yoga class and while trying to keep up with the instructor’s series of poses (and not doing too well), I suddenly was FILLED with anger. Anger at myself, anger at my current situation, even a little anger at the teacher for expecting too much of me. Fortunately, I was with a group of people I trust and can be vulnerable around. While still uncomfortable for me, I allowed the tears to come and sank into child’s pose to let it all out. I became the “watcher of my thoughts,” as Eckhart Tolle calls it, and noticed all the dirty-pain thoughts that were coming up. As I described in this video, our thoughts precede our feelings, so finding the thoughts provides me with the map to where to follow up with some coaching at a later time. In the moment, though, I just felt the anger.
Anger is often an emotion that spurs us to action. Anger can inspire someone to fight for justice, search for answers, or create a new solution to a problem. And what I’ve learned is letting them course through my body and truly feeling them allows me to get to a clearer state of mind where I can make decisions from a place of peace.
Wishing you a peace-filled week.

I Don’t Know! (Or Do I?)

October 10, 2012emilydownward

I struggled for many years not knowing what I wanted to be doing, just knowing it wasn’t what I was doing. I was good at my job and had gotten promotions, moving my way up to additional responsibilities and larger salaries. I enjoyed having people report to me and mentoring them, but most of my responsibilities, which had at one time seemed like interesting challenges, had become uninteresting and incredibly stressful to me. In addition, I was overwhelmed with a never-ending amount of work, unrealistic deadlines and intense pressure from all sides. It took a huge toll on me, and my body was screaming for my attention. I knew I had to make a change.

And yet, I didn’t know what else to do. I figured I might as well keep doing what I was doing until I figured it out.

Now, I realize that when I was telling myself I didn’t know what to do, it was kind of a lie. Now, I know that our brains can spin incredibly believable stories, and most of them aren’t true.

Sometimes, when faced with making a big change, we get freaked out. Change can be scary. Even known terrible conditions and situations are sometimes chosen over the unknown, as depicted in the movie Shawshank Redemption. When faced with release from prison, long-time inmates struggle with their newfound freedom, preferring to stay in the known and confined community they’ve become a part of. While it’s inconceivable to think any of us would choose prison over freedom, I wonder, how many of us are living in a prison of our own making?

When you’re not sure what to do – ask yourself, “What DO I know?” Like a game of Hot and Cold, keep following what feels hotter, and take steps towards what feels better. You don’t have to have the whole plan figured out. (In fact, it may be better if you don’t: life may throw new opportunities or challenges at you that you can’t imagine now.) As I once heard Martha Beck say, when you’re driving from New York to Los Angeles, you don’t have to see the whole road. You only need to see as far as your headlights shine in front of you.

For me, when I was struggling several years ago, while not yet knowing what I wanted to do for a career, I knew I wanted to return to living close to my family. I craved those social connections and support.

Also ask yourself, “What do I know that I am pretending not to know?” I find that meditation and journaling help me when I’m trying to figure this out. I’ve also gotten help answering this question working with my own coach.

In my situation several years ago, I realized that I no longer valued things the same. While I had once felt pride in my title, I had come to see that a title didn’t make the person. While I still enjoyed my salary, I realized that for me, the price I was paying emotionally, physically and spiritually wasn’t worth the reward. And I realized my desire to do something to help people was growing, and what I was doing wasn’t in line with that.

As I recently wrote, sometimes change is forced upon us, and sometimes we choose it. And sometimes it creeps up on us and we wake up one day and realize that while the situation around us hasn’t changed, we’ve changed internally – our values, our preferences, our goals. I believe that we’re each here in human form to learn how to be happy. We have different missions to achieve that, and we each are given different struggles to overcome. And as we grow and learn, sometimes we find that we’ve outgrown jobs, relationships or situations, and it’s time to move on. Follow what makes you happy.

Hurry Up, Already!

October 3, 2012emilydownward

I don’t know about you, but I am, at times, very impatient. Take, for instance, the Internet. When I click on something, I want (expect) it to immediately appear. Don’t make me wait, Internet. Give me what I want when I want it.

This impatience extends to other areas of my life, too. I get an idea for a new program, I want to make it happen. I have an idea for what I want in my life – whether that’s a relationship or attaining a particular weight or reaching a certain level of fitness – and I want to have it NOW. I don’t want a long “process of becoming,” thank you very much. I want to be there already!

Naturally, this leads to much frustration, as very little in life comes to us instantaneously. (Sometimes the Internet obliges. I appreciate that tremendously…actually, I end up taking it for granted and then expecting it all the time so when it doesn’t instantaneously work, I curse it.)

Of course, I know that “it’s the journey, not the destination.” I’ve read Tolle’s The Power of Now and know that all we have is the present moment. I endeavor to stay present, in the Now, and appreciate what is. I light candles and incense and ring my meditation bell and try to channel my inner peace.

But sometimes, you just have to scream. Rage in frustration. Feel the icky feelings. Because pushing them away doesn’t work – what we resist persists – the only way out is through. As Winston Churchill said, “If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

No, it’s not pretty. But it is survivable. And once you get through the muck, it’s like the calm after a storm. In the calm, you can explore what these feelings are trying to tell you. Your feelings are part of your guidance system. To ignore them or not leverage them is like navigating without instruments. So I ask myself, “What is my anger/frustration/fear trying to tell me?” To me, it’s a bit like a game of Hot-and-Cold. More of this, less of that, steering me closer and closer to what’s right for me.

I’m sure I will still get impatient, still want things to happen already, still wish I was “there,” wherever there may be. I also know that I don’t know everything, and that there is a reason – even if I can’t figure it out – for why I’m where I am right now. When I look back on how I achieved other goals, I can see the reason and the value of the process. And I honestly don’t know if I’d appreciate things as much if they came instantaneously.

Except the Internet. Please continue to work instantaneously. Thanks.

Giveaway: What the Walrus Knows

October 3, 2012emilydownward

Have you ever felt so frustrated and unsure of what to do next and you wish there would just be a sign to point you in the right direction? I remember feeling that way, MANY times, where it seemed everything I was doing was coming up short. I couldn’t figure out how to get the answers I was seeking, and everything just felt wrong. I so desperately wanted a sign to show me the right way forward. What I didn’t know then that I know now is how to access my inner guidance and how to be quiet and observe the world around me – there are actually signs EVERYWHERE and the Universe gives you guidance all the time.

As I began to hear and listen to that inner guidance and I started studying life coaching, I was introduced to many gifted coaches and teachers. One of the most delightful has been Sarah Seidelmann. Sarah is brilliantly intelligent, unabashedly freaky, joy-inspiring and joy-filled. I loved hearing her story of how she went from working as a pathologist to pursuing her passion of being a life coach, and when I first heard her speak about animal totems, “Beasties,” as she calls them, I was both intrigued and skeptical.

After following her work, reading her book, What the Walrus Knows, as well as doing some additional research on my own, I’ve come to enjoy spotting beasties that show up in my life and learning about what messages they bring. And now there’s an app! Sarah has created a fun and informative iPhone or iPad app for What the Walrus Knows. The app gives you the ability to look up the symbolism of a beastie when you’re on the go, as well as providing a fun divination tool and helpful guidance on finding your spirit animal.

Sarah has generously given me two books and two promotional codes for the app to give away. I’ll draw four lucky winners from my commenters. To enter, simply share your favorite animal and explain why it’s your favorite. Specify in your comment if you’d like the book or the app (or either). I’ll randomly select the winners on Friday, Oct 5^th.

To Change or Not to Change

September 26, 2012emilydownward

I’ve always been fascinated by the interplay between change and resistance to change. Our lives, as humans, are constantly changing, and yet, we often resist this inevitability and try to cling to things, whether it’s relationships, jobs, our youth, children, pets, or even our favorite pair of jeans.

Our bodies are built for homeostasis – the state of maintaining or remaining the same. Our biological systems work to maintain our temperature, heart rate, blood pressure. We are geared for “stasis” – the same – and yet we are constantly evolving, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

Sometimes we are forced to change by events and circumstances outside of ourselves. We get dumped, fired, reassigned, and lose people we love. Massive changes cause us to work through our emotions and re-evaluate our position.

And then there are the times when we initiate change. We decide to make a move, change the way we’ve been doing things, or start a new routine. Generally, there’s a lot that happens “behind the scenes” before the change becomes apparent to the outside. I work with a lot of clients who are contemplating change or who recognize that what they’ve been doing isn’t working for them anymore, so they are open to doing things differently. I help them explore their feelings and thoughts about what’s going on and invite them to create a dream of what they really want, and then a plan to achieve it.

To make a change takes courage. Willingness to try and willingness to take a risk. Facing the idea that you might not succeed on the first attempt. I see clients with amazing courage and resilience and applaud them as they make positive changes for themselves and start to realize they can create the life they want. And as they see the positive changes for themselves, they gain confidence and empowerment and more joy.

And then they get hit with the Change-Back Attacks. Martha Beck coined the phrase to describe how those closest to you – your friends, family, coworkers – react to your new changes. Generally, as I mentioned, we humans resist change, and when one person makes some big changes, it upsets the homeostasis of the group. Others who are perfectly happy with the way things have been may try to cajole, force, manipulate or chide you back into familiar behaviors.

The best way to handle Change-Back Attacks is with love and compassion. Listen and understand that they are coming from a place of resistance, and if possible, calmly state your intentions. You can love and accept them for how they are without agreeing with them. Continue to follow your truth, your passion, and your capacity for love increases.

Love, Birds & Happiness

September 18, 2012emilydownward

When you’re in love, everything seems special: the birds sing so sweetly, there is beauty all around you, and you can’t stop smiling. If only there was a way to bottle this feeling and pull it out on days when you don’t feel so good!

Maybe we can…

Scientists have discovered we have mirror neurons in our brain, which enable us to feel what another is feeling. This allows us to empathize with others, and it also comes into play when we are reading a great novel or watching a play or a movie and feel the emotions of the character within our own bodies. Have you ever identified with a character so much you laughed out loud? (I’ve done this before reading a great book by myself in a restaurant. Who cares if I got crazy looks? Laughter is good!) Or found yourself crying during a touching scene in a movie? (Steel Magnolias or Terms of Endearment are sure tear-jerkers for me.)

Mirror neurons make it possible to feel something even if you’re not experiencing it yourself.

Knowing that our brains control what we feel, we can leverage it in our favor: saturate our minds with treasured memories and flood our brains with the feel good emotions and chemicals.

Martha Beck describes the technique of Sense-Drenching in her latest book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World, as one of the techniques to get to Wordlessness, a state of being where you shift your consciousness out of the verbal processing and into the more creative, intuitive and sensory brain regions. To try it, you simply come up specific sensory experiences or memories for each of the five senses. Start with your favorite tastes, imagining experiencing them in detail. Add in memories of your favorite scents, unrelated to the taste memory. Next, add in tactile sensations, like touching a kitten or holding a newborn. Then, call to mind the memory of sounds you love, like birds singing, wind chimes or the ocean. Finally, remember your favorite sights: a scenic overlook, a beautiful painting, or a loved one’s face. Try holding all these sense memories in your mind at the same time – this shifts your brain from thinking verbally to the peaceful state of Wordlessness.

In the field of Positive Psychology, researchers have determined to maintain a more positive outlook, you need to have 3 positive experiences for every 1 negative one, and interestingly, they found that the frequency is more important that the severity. You can leverage this, especially on tough days, by increasing the positive experiences in your day. Listen to your favorite music, take a favored snack with you to work, or wear your favorite color. Gratitude helps me, too, by keeping my focus on what I have rather than what I don’t have or don’t want.

Wishing you all a little extra happiness this week!

Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

September 12, 2012emilydownward

As I write this week’s blog post, I’m sitting in an airport. I’m freezing, and I’m so cold I’m actually considering putting on all the clothes in my suitcase. I’ve had a job assignment the past couple days that has kept me on my feet for hours at a time. While I wore comfortable shoes, the long amounts of standing triggered the scoliosis in my back, and my lower back and right hip are painful. Sometimes I can ignore it, but the pain is at the point at which it will not be ignored any longer. The scoliosis (curvature of the spine) usually acts up during PMS each month, and oh, yeah, I might be experiencing that fun, too.* I’m tired – having spent a couple nights in a noisy hotel, just down the street from a busy firehouse and across the street from an active, early-starting construction crew – and being sleep deprived never helps anything.

All of this “background” helps explain (at least to me) why I’m having such difficulty writing a decent blog post this week. Usually, writing for the blog comes easy to me, and I find it enjoyable. But today, I’ve gone through three different topics, none of which turned into anything worth sharing, and the last one, which I thought maybe was good enough, disappeared when I unexpectedly and inexplicably lost my Internet connection. (F*&K! Saving ridiculously often now.)

So I realized all of this Uncomfortableness is actually a pretty decent topic. My mentor, Martha Beck, talks about the Cycle of Change in her book Finding Your Own North Star. In it, she describes four squares we go through during any major change in our life. Square 1 is known as “Death and Rebirth,” and this is the stage at which we feel the most confusion (“I don’t know what the hell is going on”) as the way we had defined ourselves has changed, and we haven’t yet figured out who we are without the old role or title. Square 2, “Dreaming & Scheming,” is when we begin to create concepts of a new future, and Square 3, “the Hero’s Saga,” is where we test out those schemes and figure out what really works for us. Square 4 is “the Promised Land,” where things smooth out, but the mantra is “Everything’s changing, and that’s okay” because everything always does change. I love sharing the Cycle of Change with my clients because it provides people with a sense of understanding and community (“Oh, so that’s what’s happening to me! And everyone feels this at some point”) and also a sense of hope (Square 2 and 4 are the most-looked-forward to).

Martha’s been saying lately that with the rapid pace of change in our world, we are pretty much in Square 1 nearly all the time. (So much for my hope idea.) So to survive, to not drive ourselves insane, we have to get more comfortable with being a little uncomfortable. We have to learn to roll with the punches, surf the chaotic waters, and maintain our equilibrium.

How do we do this? By going within. Peace cannot be found outside of ourselves; it must be found within. And when there is peace within, then we can take that peace out into the world.

As I play out the role of airport hobo today and stop fighting the Uncomfortableness, I let myself sink into feeling grumpy, tired and in pain, and I actually find a little relief. I don’t have to be anything more than what I am in this moment, and there’s some peace in that. Struggling against it all, wishing it wasn’t happening or thinking it should be better just prolongs the suffering. Accepting the present moment, just as it is, not trying to MAKE it be better than it is, actually feels better.

Or maybe the ibuprofen I took is finally kicking in. Peace out!

* If you want (or need) a really funny (and accurate) Life Coach’s Guide to PMS, go visit Bridgette Boudreau’s site. Hilarious and some great advice for getting through it!

Stop the Internal Violence

September 4, 2012emilydownward

“Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit. You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.”

~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

The people who come to me for coaching aren’t struggling with self-control over whether to shoot someone or not. (Whew!) But this quote by MLK made me think of violence or nonviolence towards the self. Many of my clients would never act violently towards others, and yet the thoughts in their heads about themselves are atrocious.

What does your inner dialogue say to you about you? Is it mostly encouraging, focusing on your unique strengths and talents? Or does it constantly keep a record of your mistakes, noting all the things you don’t do well, comparing you to others in a poor light?

I’m always so impressed by those who have a mostly positive inner dialogue. As for me, I wasn’t wired that way. My inner dialogue was mostly negative, perfectionistic (an impossible goal that keeps one frustrated and dejected), and critical. And while I’ve made great progress at strengthening and listening to my positive inner voice, the negative voice is still there. It’s like the weakened Voldemort in the Harry Potter series. It doesn’t have as much power as it once did, but you know it could still be dangerous.

In the field of positive psychology, researchers have created a formula for happiness:

Happiness = Set Point + Circumstances + Voluntary Variables

Your Happiness level (a subjective measure) is about 50% due to your Set Point, or your genetic predisposition on how you view the world. Another 8-12% is the Circumstances or conditions you were born into: your socioeconomic status, your gender, the family you are born into. That leaves 38-42% of your happiness up to Voluntary Variables, the ways in which you intentionally intervene on yourself, your choices and actions. (That’s where the magic can happen!)

Isn’t it interesting that Circumstances are only 8-12%? We often hear the differences between the Haves and the Have-Not’s emphasized, the privileges or lack of opportunities between groups or countries being touted as determining factors of success or failure. But researchers have shown that the Circumstances are not NEARLY as important as how we think about things, how we look at the situation. It’s not what you have or not, it’s the story you’re telling yourself about it.

When I went through coach training, in addition to learning amazing tools to help others live their best lives, it was an intensive experience to rewire my own brain, creating new ways of thinking that serve me, rather than crippling me. It is my great joy to be able to help others now with what I’ve learned and help them find more peace, joy and success.

So what is your inner dialogue telling you? Is it working for you, or against you?

Mindfulness

August 28, 2012emilydownward

One of my mom’s cousins died unexpectedly a couple weeks ago.

A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer and is awaiting treatment to begin.

And my dad is now home recuperating after a few days in the hospital.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our daily lives – completing work projects, keeping up with our emails, grocery shopping, dealing with traffic – it takes a major event to wake us up, to remind us what life is REALLY all about.

I believe we all have unique purposes here, as we are “spiritual beings having a human experience,” as French philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin put it. But whatever our different purposes, I truly believe we are supposed to be happy.

Sometimes “happy” seems difficult to achieve, particularly when life knocks you down. My mentor Martha Beck says, “This is not a world where it is possible to stay on track, it’s a world designed for us to lose the track and then wander around feeling morose until we find it again.” So we lose our footing. We realize we are so far away from happy that we’ve forgotten what happy feels like. But that realization is the first step back. You must have awareness before you can begin to make changes.

I think the major events that occur in life give us an opportunity to assess our lives. For me, as the fragility of life becomes more apparent in my awareness, I also become aware of what I value and what I am grateful for. With a stronger sense of what’s truly important, I can choose more deliberately how I spend my time and energies, what things I will focus on, and what things I will discard.