Author: emilydownward

I recently listened to an old podcast from one of my favorite shows, Radiolab, called Emergence. In it, a scientist who studies ants describes how if you follow one particular ant, you will see chaos and seeming futility of activity. For example, she explained how she watched one ant drag a stick one direction, and another ant came along and dragged the stick back the opposite direction. The two ants did this for days, making no discernable progress with getting that stick anywhere.

However, if you look at the ants as a whole unit, it is amazing what they accomplish: huge structures with such precision and functionality, the ability to move incredibly large things compared to their small size, and cooperation on a grand scale.

It got me thinking about my life, and how looking at one decision, one year, or one aspect of my life that I consider a failure might just be one small part of an overall picture that means something so much more.

I’ve been working on a quilt for a loved one for the past six months. In the past, I’ve made quilts for many family members and friends to celebrate the birth of babies. Baby quilts are pretty easy, approximately 1 yard square. My current quilt project isn’t to celebrate a baby but rather a momentous life achievement, and so I embarked on my first “adult-sized” quilt. Making a quilt is in part meditative, as you get into a groove and listen to the rhythmic sound of the machine, and it is in part tedious, as there are so many parts to put together. The irony of cutting up fabric to then sew it back together isn’t lost on me either, but I love the combination of colors and designs of the finished squares and then the finished piece. While I am making a piece like this, I think of who I am creating it for and try to infuse my love for them into each stitch.

At the point where all the pieces of the top (where the main design is) came together and I laid it out on my dining table (which really should be renamed my sewing table), I saw the glaring mistakes I made. The particular quilt design I chose has vertical lines and horizontal lines outlining the squares of stars. The vertical lines are straight – the horizontal ones aren’t always. For a moment, all I could see was the mistakes, and I felt crushed. I constantly have to fight my perfectionist tendencies, which threaten to ruin nearly everything. As it was too late to go back and fix the mistakes, I had to come to terms with the fact that the quilt wasn’t going to be perfect. And perhaps, like my life, the mistakes won’t be as important as the overall piece of art.

A new chapter is beginning for me, which has had me thinking about all the steps that brought me to this point. I am starting a new full-time job with an incredible company, Health Union. This effectively ends my six-year journey as a self-employed entrepreneur, and while I am sad that the dream of what I wanted it to be didn’t come true, I am so relieved that the long struggle is over. Becoming a coach, I was so idealistic and optimistic about how I could use the tools and gifts I have to help others. And I did. I’ve worked with some incredible women and men and know that I have been of service and made a difference. I know that I am a great coach. But building a business is much harder than I imagined, and life catastrophes, multiple relocations across country, and several health challenges made that even more difficult.

Throughout the last six years, I’ve done consulting work for various companies and individuals, and I’ve had the privilege of working with Health Union for the past 20 months. They are such an incredible group of people, dedicated to helping people living with chronic conditions get the information and support they need. Imagine: a health company that is truly focused on patients first! I also appreciate and am grateful for their ability to see value in each of the individuals who are a part of the community – they see beyond the limitations of our diseases and conditions to what we can offer and bring to the whole.

And so I will continue to help others – it’s central to who I am – but I will be doing it in another form. I’ll still be a coach and will continue to coach a few individuals on the side, but my main job will now be as senior medical writer for Health Union.

The definition of Emergence is “the process of coming into being, or the process of coming into view.” My story isn’t finished, but a new pattern is materializing.

In a medical intuition course I’m taking, I’m learning more about the energetic causes of disease. One of the basic principles in the course describes how our bodies can leak energy, which, over time, can lead to health problems.

Your Daily Energy Allotment

Imagine that each morning, you receive an allotment of energy, and before you even get up, your mind and body decide where some of that energy goes. Any area of “unfinished business” subtracts from your total allotment. Unfinished business can take many forms, including subconscious, learned rules or beliefs from your family of origin that are in conflict with your current state of being, emotions that you haven’t processed, or resentments toward people in your past or present. Before you even get out of bed, it is possible to deplete your energetic allotment due to unfinished business. But you still need to get through your day! You need to get energy from somewhere.

Borrowing Energy

There are two ways to get energy: you can take it from other people (have you heard the term ‘energetic vampire?’), or you can take it from your cells. Taking energy from your cells’ stores works for a while…until you deplete those reserves. At that point, your health starts to suffer, as organs or systems don’t have what they need to continue to function normally. The depletion of your cells’ energy can have numerous effects on the state of your health.

Stopping the Leaks

Although I’ve been on a path of personal growth and development for several years, learning about this concept was a huge light bulb moment for me. I can see where I have gone into “energetic debt” in my own body, contributing to some of the health challenges I’ve been experiencing over the past few years. I believe there are multiple causes for health problems, including physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual factors. I’ve found that, for me, healing has to occur on all these levels for me to be functioning optimally. I value the role medicine and my healthcare professionals play in my health. And, I know that part of the healing journey is mine to make.

At one time, I may have judged myself harshly for getting into this energetic debt situation. It could be seen as evidence that I haven’t been doing my work – the work of tending to my emotions, finding and dissolving limiting beliefs, and dismantling the baggage that we all carry. However, that judgment feels like additional heavy baggage to me, and I’m not picking it up. Perhaps one of the perks of being in an energetic debt situation is that I am more aware of patterns that don’t serve me and I can more consciously choose not to participate in them. Frankly, I don’t have the energy for that!

Now, I’m on a mission to identify and eliminate any leakages in my energetic body. It’s working, as I’m feeling better, thinking more clearly, and having more stamina to accomplish all the things I want to do. And this framework has given me an excellent starting point to help my clients who are suffering from chronic health conditions, fatigue, or burnout.

It’s time for our energy to be focused on healing and moving forward, not leaking out to feed past regrets, resentments, or belief structures that no longer serve us.

I recently finished a series of 10 Rolfing sessions that has made me open to a deeper level of understanding of the mind-body connection. Rolfing is the name given to a type of bodywork that was originally created by Ida Rolf in the 1970’s. The practitioner (or “Rolfer”) uses a steady pressure to access the connective tissue layers beneath the skin. The goals of Rolfing are to balance and realign your body, enabling your body to experience more structural, functional, and energetic balance. After years of chronic physical pain, mostly due to scoliosis, I was curious to see if Rolfing could help me.

I was so fortunate to find Jeanne, who answered all my questions and provided such a safe environment for me. She has such a positive and nonjudgmental attitude, inviting me to also see areas of my body as full of possibility rather than lacking.

As Jeanne would find an area of tension in my body, occasionally I would feel what she terms “productive discomfort.” I have a pretty high tolerance for pain and even enjoy what I call “good pain” of deep tissue massage, but what was revelatory for me in this process was learning a new way to deal with physical pain. My tendency is to escape – if I have pain in my leg, for example, my mind goes elsewhere, focusing on an area of my body that doesn’t hurt, going through a to-do list, or imagining a vacation spot. Jeanne intuitively noticed this and would invite me to bring my attention back to the area “we” were working on. She would ask me to imagine breathing into that area, or she would ask me to do gentle movements in the area while she was working there. I couldn’t escape. I had to be present. And of course, being present for the process actually helps the tension to shift more easily and quickly. It’s similar to the work I do with clients, helping them to actually feel their emotions rather than pushing them down. The process of staying with the “productive discomfort” also reminded me of how shamans work using soul retrieval. The concept is that during times of trauma, danger, or immense stress, part of the soul leaves. Shamans call back these abandoned pieces to reunite with the whole. I wondered how many times I had abandoned my body because I was afraid.

Another light bulb moment for me was learning more about scar tissue. I had a hernia repair operation when I was 6-years-old, and during the session that worked on my abdomen, Jeanne described to me how scar tissue creates ropey roots that can venture internally far from the original incision. The scar tissue forms to lock down the wounded area so it can heal, but after the healing is done, the scar tissue can create an unnecessary inflexibility. Jeanne gently worked on my body to release the scar tissue. I imagined these great ropes being slowly dismantled, one thread at a time. And again I thought of the similarities with coaching, as I help my clients dismantle thoughts that are no longer serving them, breaking down neural pathways that have become habitual to create new thoughts and ideas that help them create the lives they want.

The 10-series focuses on different areas of the body systematically, and after each session, I noticed a tremendous difference in how my body moved. I have significantly less pain and noticeably more flexibility. I also have gained a much more connected, conscious view of my body – I am more aware of when I am tensing muscles (like holding my shoulders up) and in noticing, I can choose whether to maintain the posture or perhaps relax. More often than not, I can relax. As a coach, I also dig a little deeper, noticing what thoughts or emotions I was having that caused me to tense up. Overall, it feels much more comfortable and easy to live in this body now, and that is an incredible gift.

I’m co-leading a Retreat2Heal this November in Arroyo Grande, CA. Learn more about it at Retreat2Heal.com.

Have you ever been tossed and tumbled by a wave, completely at the mercy of the powerful ocean?

I remember one such experience vividly. It happened in the waters of Cabo San Lucas, where the Pacific Ocean meets the Sea of Cortez and creates a turbulent setting. I’ve always loved the ocean and was confident in my abilities as a swimmer, so I brushed off the warnings of a strong undertow.

Once in the water and looking towards shore, I didn’t see it coming. The powerful wave swept me off my feet and tossed me around so violently, my arms and legs flew helplessly in all directions. I hadn’t taken a deep breath before going under, and my mind and body instantly began to panic with the idea of “I need air!” I continued to be tumbled and thrown around, not even knowing which way was up.

Sometimes life can throw us around like this. We may not even see it coming. Suddenly, the ground we thought was solid beneath our feet is gone, and we are swept along at the whims of an external event.

I’ve been there: major relationships ending – not just romantic ones, but best friend relationships, too; cross-country moves that necessitate creating a social support structure anew; health challenges that mean the ending of some lifelong dreams. Or, in my case, all of these and a few more, all at once.

When you’re in the midst of the turmoil, it seems all is lost. At the moment, you may not even see a way forward. There is much to grieve, and all those uncomfortable feelings feel like they are part of the weight that is pulling you down.

If you’re in the ocean being tossed by a wave, one of three things can happen to help you out of the chaos:

• Your feet (or knees or hands) may touch the sand floor, which immediately provides you with the surface to push off against.
• You open your eyes and watch which direction the bubbles go – they rise to the surface, pointing your way out.
• Or, someone from the outside comes in to help you, giving you the support you need.

Looking back, the time I spent under and at the mercy of that powerful ocean wave was actually not that long. I found the ocean floor and got my feet under me again and pushed hard towards the surface. In the moment, though, time stretched out and held me captive.

When life tumbled me, I used all three methods of coping. I felt through my grief to the bottom. I looked for the bubbles – the things that brought me joy or peace – and I asked for help from friends and coaches I know, people who were outside of the chaos and could see things more clearly than I could at the time.

Everything changes. The grief and sorrow and chaos don’t last forever. And you don’t have to navigate it all on your own.

“The answers are all inside you.”

When you’re struck dumb by one of life’s quandaries, or frustrated to the point of wanting to tear your hair out because even after multiple tries, you still can’t figure out how to change your situation, this simple platitude seems like a slap in the face.

I’ve often searched outside myself for the answers from others who have accomplished more than I have, have more talent, degrees or certification. And no question about it, it can be helpful to get an outside perspective on the things that challenge us. We weren’t meant to live in isolation, doing everything on our own. We are communal creatures, and we benefit from the different views and ideas from others.

However, the key is not to put others’ opinions and ideas above our own internal guidance.

We are each so unique, there is no ONE SIZE FITS ALL solution for anything from diet to personal religion. While it can be incredibly helpful to get insight, suggestions or advice on what’s worked for other people, each of us then takes that input and weighs it against our own “bullshit meter” inside to determine what’s true or best for ourselves.

While I believe there is truth in the statement “The answers are all inside you,” I believe the answers come from our higher self, our soul, or our heart. They rarely come from our mind, so getting stuck in the activity of “figuring it out” doesn’t work.

There are times when you have to recalibrate your internal meter. Sometimes enmeshed relationships can create a disconnection with our sense of self. Other times, loss, grief, and/or uncertainty can shake us from our sense of self and make it difficult to hear or feel our inner truth.

I like to remember that even when I can’t feel the connection, I am still connected to my soul. It requires some trust, but I know that even during the darkest night, the sun will rise again. (Or as in Seattle: even when it’s overcast and I can’t see Mount Rainier, I know it’s still there.)

If you’d like to practice connecting to your soul’s wisdom and guidance, join us for the virtual class series, Messages from Your Soul, beginning June 2^nd.