I’ve known for several months that this procedure was going to happen, and there were times when I could easily get into feeling anxiety and dread, not to mention feeling sorry for myself that I have to go through this.  My thoughts would churn, and my imagination would create all the worst-case scenarios. Our brain is so powerful, we can create something out of nothing. This can be used for great effect, such as any creative person can attest, or it can be used to create a lot of extra stress for yourself. Since the body reacts (with cortisol and adrenalin) to real or imagined threats, your thoughts can easily create a state of fight or flight. (I’ve written before about the effects of fight or flight on creativity, as well as the easiest way to get out of that state.)

I didn’t spend too much time worrying – I’ll admit, I did some – but I don’t find it to be a very productive use of my time or my mind. Worrying steals your peace in the present, and it doesn’t change what is going to happen. In fact, it may even prepare your mind to expect the worst, rather than the ideal, outcome. And the mind is a powerful tool. Numerous studies have shown the results of setting and focusing on positive intentions.

So here’s how I’ve prepared:

• Take responsibility for my decisions. I realized this is my choice. I don’t HAVE TO get this procedure. I am choosing to, because I am looking forward to the completed, and better, outcome. Switching from “I have to” to “I choose to” is more than simple word choice. It switches me from being in the powerless role to one that is empowered.
• Stay in the present. The procedure itself only lasts an hour or two, and the recovery time will be a few days. If I choose to worry about it, I can extend that misery for MONTHS. Staying focused on what’s present enables me to enjoy myself more, and I’m all for feeling good.
• Prepare for the worst, but hope for the best. I have prepared for the contingencies, but I have spent most of my energy focusing on what I want the outcome to be.

If you’ve got something you’re not looking forward to doing, such as firing an employee, getting a performance review that you know isn’t going to be great, or even giving a presentation in front of a critical audience, calm your worrying mind by taking responsibility – recognizing your control in the situation, staying in the present moment, and using your mind to imagine positive outcomes. While you may not be able to change the fact that something unpleasant is going to occur, you will (at the very least) make your present much more enjoyable. And you may just impact the future outcome in a positive light, too.

What if I’m not good enough?

This will never work.

How the hell am I going to do this?

I don’t know what to do next, but I should do something. What am I supposed to do?

Who do I think I am?

What if I make a mistake (AGAIN)?

What if I’m making the wrong choice?

Ah, my old friend Self Doubt. There have been times in my life when I felt confident, but it seems those times are fewer than the ones in which I’ve been accompanied by my steadfast companion Self Doubt. I honestly thought, by this point in my life, I would be past all this nonsense, that I would have mastered the doubts and felt more sure of myself and my abilities. Lately, I’ve stopped trying to get rid of it. I’ve come to accept that Doubt’s along for the ride. In fact, as long as I keep trying new things – and I do so love new experiences and challenges – then Self Doubt will continue to be my companion.

I’ll admit, there are times when Self Doubt gets the better of me, when I am so wrapped up in all the “what if’s” and “I can’t’s” that I’m paralyzed into indecision. But I’ve found that these simple steps can help me continue to move forward:

1. Speak your fears. Often times, the fears seem so large in my head, but if I actually say them out loud to a compassionate witness, they are so silly I might even laugh. Speaking them out loud can take the energy right out of them. It’s important to find the right person to share them with – I highly recommend NOT saying them to someone you know is a worry-wort. Bless their hearts, but they will just stir it up to be worse and more fearful. Find someone you know can provide calm, honest feedback, and if you don’t have someone like this, hire a coach to be your sounding board.
2. It’s all feedback. Evaluate your fears and determine which have merit. They may be trying to tell you something, like you need to do more research or preparation. Or they may just be frightened in general. It helps me to evaluate them from a higher perspective, taking myself out of the moment and looking at it from the broad picture of my life.
3. Minimize risk where possible. If your doubts have merit, address those issues to minimize risk where you can. Determine what is acceptable risk to you, and realize that for each of us that’s different.
4. Wait to worry. What do you know and what do you not know? Focus on what you know, and wait to worry about the possible outcomes until you know more. There is always time to worry about that later. (Or not.)
5. Take a leap of faith. At some point, you’re going to have to take that leap, or at least a step, into the unknown. After you have done the research, made preparations as best you can, and addressed the potential risks, take a chance. It actually helps me to think of worst-case scenarios and figure out how I would deal with them. Yes, I may fail. I have failed before, some real whoppers of failures, and I have survived them. This too shall pass.

(Full disclosure: I had doubts about posting this.)

So I’ve decided to come clean: Yes and No.

How my life isn’t as fabulous as it looks on Facebook: I’ve had some crappy days lately. I don’t post about that. Actually, after attempting to get through it on my own, I finally “broke down” and asked for help from some of my trusted and loving colleagues (my ego hates to admit this, but it’s true, I can’t do it all alone). Coaches rock!

How my life IS as fabulous as it looks on Facebook: Even on the crappy days, I count my blessings. I know how lucky I am to have found someone amazing to share love, to have a loving family, to have an incredible group of friends, colleagues, and past colleagues who are supportive and inspiring. I am so thankful to know my passion for coaching and to be a certified coach. I have phenomenal clients that I get to work with, and to watch them grow in their confidence and realize their dreams is my distinct honor.

The field of positive psychology, the basics of which I apply in my life and in my coaching and find myself craving even more, focuses on increasing people’s resiliency, our ability to bend without breaking, to bounce back when life knocks us down. One of the quick ways to help yourself is by using the ratio of 3:1. For every negative experience, have 3 positive ones to increase your positive emotion over negative emotion. Interestingly, the frequency is more important than the intensity, so even if you count the simple positive things, it can work. I think this also helps by focusing your attention on what you do want rather than what you don’t want. Positivity, besides just feeling good, also broadens your mind and inspires you to be more creative. It also leads to stronger relationships with others. All these benefits can give you even more positive experiences to cherish.

Oh, and another thing? Positivity is contagious! (Did you catch it?)

The brain likes to prove itself right, so when it comes up with a thought, it looks for evidence to prove it. The accumulated evidence then becomes cement for that thought to become a belief. Biologically, it creates a strong neural pathway, and when circumstances occur, the brain fires along those existing neural pathways to make sense of what’s going on. The left hemisphere of the brain in particular looks to the past to determine the future, so it’s always trying to comprehend what’s happening based on what has happened before.

But, as the saying goes, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” If you don’t like how things have been going and are ready for a change, it might be time to rewire your brain. If that sounds impossible, it might be because you’ve never done it before! Brain scientists have proven it is possible to create new connections, new neural pathways, in the brain. One of the simple (but not necessarily easy) ways to do this is to question your thoughts.

Of course, in order to question your thoughts, you have to be aware that you are not your thoughts. Awareness is a huge first step. Eckhart Tolle writes in The Power of Now about being “the watcher of your thoughts.” Try meditating and clearing your mind, getting to the quiet stillness between the thoughts. (I found this incredibly difficult at first and still can only maintain the stillness for brief periods.) If you find your brain spitting out all kinds of thoughts and ideas and to-do lists during this time, don’t despair – just notice. Imagine your thoughts going across your mind like a scrolling electronic ticker at the bottom of a television screen. Or imagine them floating away in bubbles.

Once you have become the watcher of your thoughts, simply ask “is that true?” and “could the opposite also be true?” and of course, “what am I making that mean?” Sometimes that’s all it takes to have a shift occur. However, I still find there are some subjects and beliefs that I am so attached to that it’s helpful to have an unbiased outsider to help me. This is one of the biggest benefits in hiring a coach.

Remember, you are the author of your own story. If you don’t like the story, you can change it.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about catalytic events – those occurrences in our lives that knock us off our feet, take the wind out of our sails, and cause us to redefine who we are and how we think. Catalytic events come in three types: shock, opportunity and transition. Shock and opportunity are pretty self-explanatory and arrive unexpectedly. Transition events come from within, often beginning as a slight inner dissonance that grows and becomes impossible to ignore. All types of catalytic events send us into a period of death and rebirth, as we grieve what we were, or how we once defined ourselves, and give birth to a new, redefined version of ourselves.

I’ve been going through a few catalytic events simultaneously in my life recently, all of the opportunity variety. I am thoroughly grateful for these opportunities, so I have struggled a bit to allow myself the accompanying grief. It took a loving friend-coach pointing out to me that I was ignoring my grief. I then realized I was avoiding it, afraid of the depth of the sadness.

Catalytic events bring up our issues, and I’m finding that although I’ve done a lot of personal work on my issues already, there’s still a little more to work through. What I thought was a banana is now looking like an onion, as I peel off one layer to uncover yet another. Martha Beck teaches her coaches to “live it to give it.” So I will continue to peel away the layers, exposing the limiting beliefs in my mind and creating new ones that will serve me better (hint: they are more kind and empowering).

If you are grieving, and if you, like me, tend to want to avoid that, remember that pretending to be happy or to not feel what you’re feeling only prolongs the process. Allowing yourself to feel it, although it seems unpleasant, is the quickest way through. Resisting the feelings only makes them persist longer.

Psychologists term this the “generalized other.” I call this the Committee. Who is on your Committee – that judging board of directors in your head – is up to you.

When I first identified who was on my mental Committee, I was shocked to find that in addition to a few loved ones, it included a past boss who never liked my work or saw any potential in me, and a critical ex-boyfriend that I hadn’t spoken to in years. These were people I no longer had contact with in my real life, yet my brain was still holding onto the criticisms and negative opinions they had held of me! I set to work firing them from the Committee and replacing them with people I respect who are loving and fair.

Occasionally, one of the kicked-off Committee members will try to weigh in on something again. But now I’m on to them. I know their patterns and how they phrase things. And just as I knew I had to move on from those relationships in the physical world, I know they don’t serve me in the mental world either.

The narrator said, “You can’t make a flower bloom more quickly.” It reminded me how often I want and try to hurry things along. I wonder…if we are like a seed under ground or a butterfly still in its cocoon, if perhaps things are happening under the surface to prepare us for what will come.

I think change can come to us externally, like a new job offer you didn’t expect, a layoff, or the death of someone close to you, or it can come from internal changes, by steady effort to make a change happen. Either way, there is a necessary adjustment period, as our perspective shifts to adjust to a new reality.

If you’re finding yourself in the midst of change, whether it’s by design or by surprise, I encourage you to relax, to let the river of change carry you to your new destination. You may feel like resisting it, and for a while, you may feel like that’s working. But there’s a freedom in letting go of the resistance, of accepting the change and trusting in the process. Trust that things are happening under the surface and that they are happening FOR you, not TO you.

As I pulled out all the pieces and started looking at the enclosed directions, all I saw were Chinese characters that had no meaning for me. There were no English translations. However, I persevered and tried to match up the pieces as best I could using the drawings only. I was able to get it to work…sort of. The robot would go clockwise but not counterclockwise. Having only one wheel that worked, it definitely wouldn’t go straight. I also had an odd number of screws left over, and I was unsure whether they were intended extras or I had missed something. The novelty of directing the robot soon wore off, as it only spun in a circle one direction, and I was overwhelmed by the thought of deconstructing it and starting over.

Isn’t that just like life? Sometimes we want so badly to have directions, to learn exactly how we are supposed to find success, fulfillment and happiness. So we search for mentors, teachers, gurus. We watch how others find success and read self-help books. We take quizzes that promise to reveal that special something.

But the reality is that none of us came with directions. We all have to stumble through, trying to read the signs as best we can, making sense out of what we’ve been given. And sometimes we find that we are spinning in a circle, seemingly going nowhere. We have to take time to slow down, deconstruct what’s not working, chart a new course and make a plan to get us there.

For me, it makes it easier to enjoy the journey, knowing there is no one “right” way. And it helps to have wise mentors, teachers and coaches who can help me find my way back to my path when I feel like I’m lost.

My mentor Martha Beck teaches in coach training about the Living Space tool. It’s based on the research and experience of Thomas Moore, a former monk and clinical psychologist. Coming out of the monastery and its austere way of life, Moore realized the significance and value of what we choose to put in our living spaces. He believes that every choice we make in the material world reflects the condition of our inner lives.

In the Western world, we seem to accumulate and value material possessions. I have found it interesting to note what I have too much of: kitchen and bathroom items. Some have been gifts, and some I’ve brought in to my home. I obviously get some comfort from having all these things, even though I found many things that haven’t been used in years.

So as I’m choosing what to unpack and what to store away, I’ve also been finding myself questioning what’s working and what’s not working in my habits and activities. What do I want to keep, and what am I ready to let go of? I’m doing more of what serves me and serves my clients and less of those things that drain my energy and don’t provide a good return on investment.

The interesting thing about our environment: when we make a small change in the outside, it can have ripple effects on the inside, too. It’s known as the butterfly effect. Coming from chaos theory, the butterfly effect explains how a small change can have a huge impact on a later state, such as how a butterfly flapping its wings can shift the trajectory of a hurricane.

Try this experiment: Look at your physical space and find the area that bothers you the most. What’s one thing you can change about it, either by taking something away or adding something? This works at home and the office. The changes you make in your surroundings will have effects on your inner state as well.

“The strength comes in the resting.”

It was such a simple statement by my personal trainer (aka my boyfriend) but also very profound.

He was remarking on my progress and complimenting me on sticking to my exercises to strengthen my hip, but he surprised me by telling me to take a day off – to not do anything threw me for a loop. My mind was momentarily puzzled. I had set my mind to do these exercises EVERY DAY and was convinced that if I didn’t do them every single day, I wouldn’t see the progress I wanted.

“The strength comes in the resting.”

Of course, muscle rebuilds during the resting periods. He reminded me of this, and I began to think of the other times when our strength comes during resting periods.

Like many people I know, I can get in a work-work-work mode to the point where I have difficulty switching gears and taking time out. If you’re like me, even when you get a chance to “rest,” your mind keeps up the 10,000-point To-Do list and keeps churning away on coming up with solutions for your challenges. This happens to me quite regularly, as my brain loves to run the program that I’m not doing enough. This thought can keep me very motivated and productive, but it can also drive me to the point of exhaustion and burnout. And I know, as you know, that we all need rest. I know that taking time to do things, like even 15 minutes for meditation, brings me so much additional energy and focus that I’m more productive for taking the break than if I just kept working.

Although this continues to be a struggle for me, what works best for me is to give myself permission for a specific period of time to rest, and to define what “enough” is. It may sound ridiculous, that I have to “give myself permission,” but what I mean by this is to combat the dictatorial voice in my head that tells me I have SO much more to do right now by returning to the thought (for example), “I’m going to sit here and meditate/read a book/play solitaire for the next 15 minutes.” Resting comes in different forms and in different durations depending on my schedule and what feels good in the moment.

Defining what “enough” is also varies based on my goal, energy level and time frame, but this has also been critical for me. By defining exactly what I feel comfortable with – rather than the elusive, undefined and therefore unachievable “enough” – I take back control over my inner dictator. I set the parameters, and I bring in the dictator to then execute it with precision.

I’d love to hear if you have additional techniques that work for you in switching out of work mode and into rest mode. And I wish you much peace and strength in your resting.