Archive for August, 2012

Mindfulness

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , on August 28, 2012 | 2 Comments »

One of my mom’s cousins died unexpectedly a couple weeks ago.

A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with cancer and is awaiting treatment to begin.

And my dad is now home recuperating after a few days in the hospital.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our daily lives – completing work projects, keeping up with our emails, grocery shopping, dealing with traffic – it takes a major event to wake us up, to remind us what life is REALLY all about.

I believe we all have unique purposes here, as we are “spiritual beings having a human experience,” as French philosopher Pierre Teilhard de Chardin put it. But whatever our different purposes, I truly believe we are supposed to be happy.

Sometimes “happy” seems difficult to achieve, particularly when life knocks you down. My mentor Martha Beck says, “This is not a world where it is possible to stay on track, it’s a world designed for us to lose the track and then wander around feeling morose until we find it again.” So we lose our footing.  We realize we are so far away from happy that we’ve forgotten what happy feels like. But that realization is the first step back. You must have awareness before you can begin to make changes.

I think the major events that occur in life give us an opportunity to assess our lives. For me, as the fragility of life becomes more apparent in my awareness, I also become aware of what I value and what I am grateful for. With a stronger sense of what’s truly important, I can choose more deliberately how I spend my time and energies, what things I will focus on, and what things I will discard.

"Let today be a day where you take nothing for granted. For life is fleeting, fragile and precious and can change on a whim..." ~ Jackson Kiddard

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Getting What You Want

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , on August 21, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

"“External circumstances do not create feeling states. Feeling states create external circumstances.” ~ Martha BeckWhat do you want? What do you really want?

It’s a standard question coaches pose to clients, one that I pose to new clients, and one that I have pondered myself. What do I really want?

During times of great stress, sometimes all I could muster as an answer is for the stress or cause of pain to end. I think when you’re in the thick of it, it’s difficult to dream big. Like if you’re in the foyer of an Italian restaurant and someone asks you what you want to eat, you think of the Italian options – lasagna, spaghetti, manicotti, ravioli – you don’t even consider other cuisines, like Thai, Indian, or French, which you could have if you stepped out the door and walked down the street. You limit your options subconsciously. We do this in other areas of our lives, too.

So allow yourself to dream big, dream without rules or limitations, dream beyond your current circumstances, and come up with your heart’s desire. Got it?

Now, consider that what you really want isn’t what you’ve got in mind, but rather what you think having that thing or experience will make you feel. It’s all about the feeling state. How do you imagine you’ll feel when you have that perfect job, tons of money, the ideal body or your soul mate? That’s what you’re really after.

As Martha Beck writes in her book Steering by Starlight, while we think we’ll get these feelings by getting what we want, “External circumstances do not create feeling states. Feeling states create external circumstances.” Martha gives this example in the book:

“You’re an employer looking for someone to hire. Two candidates apply. One is desperate and frantic. ‘Please, please, I need this job; you’ve got to help me,’ he begs. The other candidate is calm and confident. He asks, ‘How can I help you?’”

Once you recognize the feeling state you’re after and find ways to feel that (or recognize where you already have this in your life), you’re much more likely to get what you’re wanting. (And you may find you don’t want it anymore, or at least not as much, once you realize you’ve already got what you really want, the feeling.)

Several of my clients are working towards their next promotion, and one mentioned to me that she really wanted the next title, that when she got that, then she would feel confident. Having been on both sides of that title (before and after), I told her from my experience that having the title doesn’t bestow that confidence. In fact, acting with confidence now, she’s more likely to receive that promotion.

So consider what you want, and then go deeper: what will you feel when you have that or experience that? Finding ways to experience that feeling now will not only give you more happiness, it will also make it easier for you to get those things you wanted in the first place.

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The Splinter You Can’t Ignore

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , on August 14, 2012 | 4 Comments »

"Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true." ~ Ralph Waldo EmersonHave you ever noticed that once you notice something, you can’t “un-notice” it? It’s like when you notice a splinter in your finger but don’t have the means to get it out. You may try to put it out of your mind, but you can’t stop picking at it. You know it’s THERE and you become fixated on it.

Sometimes we’re not ready for the truth. We tell ourselves everything’s fine or that we’re doing the “right thing,” but our bodies don’t lie: the stress shows up in our muscles, our digestion, our shallow breathing. And when we finally face the truth we’ve been avoiding, admit to ourselves that something isn’t right, that’s the point at which you can’t un-notice.

Perhaps this is why we like the state of pretending like it’s all okay. Because if we truly admitted to ourselves that something wasn’t right, then we’d have to DO SOMETHING about it. So we hang out in the “I’m fine,” self-medicate and pamper ourselves with massages, mani/pedi’s and decadent foods to distract us and try to make up for the splinter that we are avoiding. But then the splinter gets worse. It gets infected and more painful than before.

I once heard Oprah talking about how God whispers to us. First it’s a gentle whisper, or a tap on the shoulder. If you don’t pay attention, the next one might be a shake of your arm. If you keep ignoring the message, you get hit upside the head with a brick.

In my personal journey (and by personal, I mean both my personal & professional life), I’ve learned how to listen to those whispers and gentle taps. It’s MUCH easier to deal with those than the brick. But it’s been a long journey: I was so deaf and numb to those messages for so long, trying to convince myself that what I had (or what I was doing) was what I wanted, or rather what I should want.

One of my coach colleagues loves to say, “Stop shoulding on yourself.”

If you’ve got a splinter in your life, here’s three steps to making it better:

  1. Acknowledge it. Admit that there’s something wrong. This doesn’t mean it will always be wrong, or that you’re a failure for thinking so. It also doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. But how can you fix it if you don’t first acknowledge it?
  2. Imagine what you do want. Even if you don’t know the particulars, think about how you want to feel. Recognize and believe that you can have what you want.
  3. Each day, take one small step closer to what you want. And by small, I mean SMALL. Martha Beck calls these Turtle Steps. A step so small it seems impossibly easy to accomplish and it also doesn’t in the slightest overwhelm you.

Turtle steps can include researching your options, asking for help, following your “feel good.”  If you need some assistance, drop me an email or leave a comment below. I absolutely love helping people get on track to their right and best lives.

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Staying In-the-Moment

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , on August 7, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

"Whether you think you can, or you think you can't, you're usually right." ~ Henry FordI was on vacation last week, watching the beautiful ocean and feeling amazingly grateful to get to swim with the fish, but I missed quite a bit of the Olympics. I effectively unplugged, though, so I was able to shield myself from much of the results. I’ve enjoyed catching up on all my recordings and watching an overload of Olympic events since I’ve been back. I so admire these exquisite athletes and love watching them charge towards their goals and dreams. The triumphant smiles and tears of joy give me goose bumps.

One of the things I’ve noticed across events is the value of staying in the present moment. Several of the athletes have mentioned it, how they have to get out of their heads, not over-think things. I believe it’s been the deciding factor for many of the athletes. Watching the gymnastics, you can almost see it on their faces, whether they are thinking or whether they are fully focused on the element as they are doing it. When one of the gymnasts had a fall or an error, the ability to stay focused became even more important, not to let the internal dialogue take over but to continue to finish the routine in the way they had practiced thousands of times.

I think the ability to stay present is not only critical to success, it is also a key element in happiness. On my recent vacation, my nephew lamented on Day 2 that we only had 3 days left. In his mind, he was already leaving! While what he said was true, I reminded him that it was also true that right at that moment, we were in paradise, that “today” we would get to snorkel with the fish.

I had to chuckle at my nephew. I’ve been guilty of looking ahead so much that I miss what’s right under my nose, too. Other times, I’ve focused too much on looking back. And while it’s valuable to review what happened to make changes to your technique and approach for the future, and it’s definitely valuable to look ahead for planning and setting goals, the only thing we ever have is Now. This moment is the only one you are living right now.

Right now, find something you are grateful for. (If nothing else, you’re breathing – your body is effortlessly pulling in oxygen and sustaining life. You’re reading – your eyes and brain are working in magnificent symphony to comprehend.)

Right now – or, right after you finish reading this! – focus on the task in front of you. Write down other ideas or other tasks on your To-Do list to help clear your mind to stay present.

So channel your favorite Olympian and remember to stay focused. You’ll be less stressed, more focused and more likely to gain success and happiness.

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