Archive for January, 2012

What to Do When it Sucks

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , on January 23, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Sometimes, you have to wait it out.

My normally positive, sunshine-y niece had a rough day and told me, “You know what I learned? ‘Life sucks and then you die.’” I was so sad to hear that jaded phrase from her. Now, granted, she is getting to the precipice of puberty — you remember, that fun time when your hormones are bouncing around inside you like in a bounce house and you can go from euphoria to tears in mere seconds — but this was a pretty “normal” reaction to a crappy thing that happened.

Sometimes, there’s just no sugar-coating it. Sometimes, it really does suck. What to do? I have tried several coping techniques in the past that don’t work — or work for a short time but have disastrous consequences. Things like:

* Eating brownie fudge sundaes. Make a pan of brownies. Pour on chocolate syrup and (if you live in Texas and can get Blue Bell) Blue Bell homemade vanilla ice cream. Repeat at least daily until the pan is empty, then start over. Disastrous consequences: [You probably guessed this...] Weight gain. And that doesn’t make me feel better!

* Drinking a lot of wine, vodka or other alcoholic beverage. Temporary numbing and occasional hilarity. But similar to those wild hormones in puberty, the emotions can turn on a dime. Disastrous consequences may include doing things you’ll regret, hangovers, drunk dialing or texting (see doing things you’ll regret), and weight gain.

* Shopping or other ways to spend money, especially more money than you have. Can be crazy fun in the moment, but if you’re racking up those credit card bills…Disastrous consequences!

Too much of pretty much anything isn’t going to be good. (Even too much sex can cause bladder infections!) Balance in everything is important, but now I’ve got a few more healthy ways to cope with the times that suck:

  • Hang out with some really great friends. Even if it’s just a virtual get-together on a conference call, the support of good friends is hard to beat. People who understand what you’re going through, who love and support you no matter what, and who will also nudge you when you’re going off-course — I am so fortunate to have an amazing group like this.
  • Find the funny. If possible, if you can laugh at yourself or the situation, it makes it easier. For me, the friends help me see this. And if you can’t laugh at the situation or at yourself, watching a funny movie or a silly video on YouTube can lift your spirits. (A favorite funny of mine is Engrish.com. This one is my all-time fave of bad English translation.)
  • Feel the sadness, anger, fear. Believe me, I tried avoiding it. I’m quite good at stuffing it. The problem is, stuffing affects your body in strange and bad ways, everything from headaches to ulcers to knots in your muscles to IBS or worse! “What we resist, persists.” And if you actually give yourself a chance to just feel the emotion, it passes MUCH more quickly. If you’re scared that once you open that door, you’ll never be able to stop the torrent of emotion, be reassured:  if you really allow yourself to feel it, it only lasts about 90 seconds. Now, granted you might have a few waves of 90-second emotion, but the body is actually very good at processing and releasing these things.
  • Find the good. Rarely are things ALL bad. Even on the darkest days, you can find something to appreciate, even if it’s something small like “I love my cat.” (I do!) The brain is always looking for evidence that it’s right, so if you’re focused on negative, you’ll find more and more negative. If you focus on positive, even if it’s tough at first to get off the negative, you will find more and more positive. (Hopefully not in more and more cats. Remember, too much of anything isn’t a good thing!)
  • Remember, this too shall pass. The sun will come up again tomorrow. One thing about getting older (yay), I do realize that things never, never stay the same. (Even those things we wish would!) From the broader perspective, this will be one small part of my life. And even if the metaphoric sun doesn’t come up on this problem or time period for awhile, I know it will eventually. Trusting that, having that faith, gives me relief.

[Update - can't believe I forgot these! Thanks, Steph for the reminder.]

  • Get physical! Move your body. Even if it’s just a gentle walk, getting the body moving helps move that emotion through the system. “E-motion” — you need motion! I also really enjoy boxing for getting anger out. And you don’t need a fancy punching bag. You can always just use pillows or your mattress.
  • Music soothes the soul. Music can be a powerful trigger. I have playlists for anger, sadness and happy. While the sad music can be helpful to feel the emotion, don’t stay there too long. Give yourself a time limit and then put on some good tunes to shake your booty to.
  • Nature heals. Martha Beck talks about the healing effects of nature in her new book, Finding Your Way in a Wild New World. When you’re feeling low, get outside. If possible, get some sunshine. Walk around barefoot, or lean up against a tree for support. Notice how nature is constantly renewing itself. Your life will too.
  • Positivity on the horizon. Give yourself something to look forward to — whether that’s lunch with a friend, a weekend away, or setting aside some time to read a really good book. Knowing that you’ve got a little reward in the future can help get you through.

What do you do? It would be great to hear what works for you and have a grab-bag of ideas to try.

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Self-Criticism, Self-Love

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , on January 18, 2012 | 2 Comments »

“You have been criticizing yourself for years, and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”

-Louise L. Hay

Sometimes, when what you’re doing isn’t working, the best thing to do is try something else. I am my own toughest critic, have been for years. Has it made me achieve more? It’s hard to say. I have achieved many things and driven myself to do a lot. But not taking care of myself, or giving away all my energy and care to others, doesn’t serve me well. I get burned out, exhausted, and even resentful. For someone who is a natural fit for a caretaker role, taking care of myself isn’t particularly easy. I tend to focus on giving to others. And being a super-giver also tends to attract super-takers, kind of like blood in the water attracts sharks.

It can be difficult to make the switch from self-criticism to self-love. Perhaps some of the criticism you now hear in your own head was first told to you by others you loved and respected, like parents, teachers, or a spouse. And it’s been playing over and over in your head like a tape. But that doesn’t make it true! In fact, it’s probably holding you back from your own greatness.

How do you create a new, more empowering tape? The first step is awareness — recognizing what you’re saying to yourself. When you look in the mirror, do you look for “flaws”? Do you tell yourself that you’re too fat? Too gray? Too old? When you don’t achieve a goal, do you berate yourself and tell yourself that you’re too stupid, unorganized or just a loser? Notice what you’re saying to yourself. Would you talk to anyone you love this way? Try telling yourself what you do like, what you do well, and giving yourself a break. It just may give you the confidence to try again.

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The Gift of Animals

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , on January 10, 2012 | 7 Comments »

“There’s a bigger, deeper world all around us all the time, full of messages and support. We’re marinating in it. It permeates and surrounds our ordinary reality. I wasn’t aware of this deeper world until the Beastie spirits (energies) seemed to find me and I started connecting with them. Observing Beasties helps us tap into this deeper level of information.”

- Sarah Seidelmann, What the Walrus Knows

Being a part of the Martha Beck tribe of coaches has opened my world to so many amazing experiences and inspiring teachers and colleagues. In fact, it’s hard to put into words how much my life has changed, and as with any new knowledge, I can’t go back to the unknowing (nor would I want to). Many of the ideas and concepts I’ve learned have at first seemed improbable to me, not logical, and my rational mind at first resisted.  Remaining open to the possibility of these has provided me with an expanded understanding of how our world and our minds work. Other new ideas that I’ve been exposed to have resonated deep within me with a knowing that feels like coming home. Sarah Seidelmann‘s work has been like that for me. Her book, What the Walrus Knows, provides a great overview of the gifts and delights we can gain through embracing our connection to the animal kingdom.

Our culture has not always embraced the idea that we, as humans, are part of the greater whole, but with the rise in awareness of our impact on the earth’s ecosystems, we are beginning to understand that our actions have a direct effect on the broader whole. If we look at ourselves as part of this whole, we can start to notice that everything in our life is speaking to us in metaphors. If you open yourself to this possibility, you may receive information and solutions in whole new ways.

Sarah’s delightful book talks about the ideas of animal totems, or beastie energies, and what they can teach us about ourselves and the ways to approach life. There are guest beasties — those that show up at certain times with a particular message — and core beasties — those that are with us for a lifetime to guide and support. Since opening this door, I have been thrilled to welcome in all sorts of guest beasties and have identified a couple of core beasties for myself. Noticing and honoring these beastie energies helps me keep connected to the wonder of nature that is all around me and helps me put my silly human dramas in perspective. I highly recommend this book for anyone that is interested in a fun way to reconnect with the animal kingdom.

Turles are one of my core beasties, reminding me to keep a tough outer shell, stay soft on the inside, stick my neck out, and take small steps towards the goal. Oh, and that it's good to piggyback with larger turtles sometimes!

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Tuning Into Your Body’s Wisdom

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , , , , on January 6, 2012 | 2 Comments »

Nature and retreats like this one relax my body.

“I believe your body knows a lot more than your mind about the life you’re supposed to live.”

- Martha Beck, Finding Your Own North Star

I started working my first job after college having a sense of determination that I would work my way up the ladder of success, getting more responsibility, more senior titles and more pay. After all, I had gone through the educational system where you do just that, advancing to higher levels with each achievement. And for awhile, I did that. At my first job, at the headquarters of a national non-profit, I was promoted several times over my five-and-a-half year tenure and did very well. Then I decided to switch to the marketing side of things and went to an agency where I stayed for just over seven years. Again, I was promoted and continued to strive for higher positions, more responsibility, and management. Leaving there, I was recruited by another agency that tempted me with an even higher title and pay.

I never really asked myself if I truly wanted to keep moving up. I just assumed that’s what a person did who was successful.

And somewhere along the way, I stopped listening to my body. Before I left a company, I knew there were things that I wasn’t happy with, but I didn’t really connect the symptoms my body was producing as anything more than signs of physical illness or disease.

At that first job, I started taking antidepressants. While I don’t take them now, I do feel like these drugs can be life-saving and can make the world of difference for those who need them. At that time, it was as if someone had taken off the black-out shades in my life. It was amazing! I also started talk therapy and learned some healthy coping skills, but the drugs were so effective and easy that when, a couple years later, I started having anxiety attacks and additional depression symptoms, I went to my doctor for additional drugs. [Note to self: More is not always better!] While the drugs kept me out of the deep abyss of depression where it was hard to function, they also numbed my emotions a bit. I honestly didn’t want to feel what I was feeling, and at that point, I just took more to numb more. When I left that job, I did lower my dose again, although it was years before I was brave enough to try coping without them.

The next interesting symptom my body threw at me was IBS (irritable bowel syndrome). I won’t go into details but will sum it up by saying it’s not pleasant! IBS stayed with me for several years, always flaring up during periods of high stress.

The third symptom was back and hip pain. I assumed this was due to my mild scoliosis, diagnosed when I was a teen and always causing an achy pain in my lower back. But it was getting worse, including intense pain between my shoulder blades and my right hip completely giving out when I tried to put weight on it. After seeing several doctors who said that there was no treatment and that I should just “learn to live with the pain,” I got immense relief from chiropractic care. However, it wasn’t a permanent solution, and again, the pain would flare up, often during stressful times.

The thing that helped the most with all of this? Learning from teachers like Martha Beck that the unconscious mind communicates in symbols, sometimes using the body as it’s canvas, acting out its messages. The pain, muscle cramping and other irritable symptoms were my body’s way of telling me I was off course. WAY off course. After all, “disease” is “dis-ease.” My body was screaming at me. The more I ignored it, the more inventive it got to try to get my attention. Muscle spasms locking my neck or shoulders up to the point I couldn’t sleep or turn my head were probably the most painful and impossible to ignore.

I am happy (and relieved!) to report that I no longer have these symptoms. And now, I’m also starting to get some really cool and good feeling messages from my body, signs that I am on the right course. I do still get occasional twinges of pain in my back or hip, and when I feel them, I know it’s time to investigate. What am I avoiding? What’s my body trying to tell me? The message may be that I need to stretch or get some exercise, but it also may be that I’m not being honest with myself about how I’m feeling.

I’d love to hear about your experience: have you noticed this in your life? How does your body “talk” to you?

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Possibilities

Posted in Uncategorized, tagged , , , on January 1, 2012 | Leave a Comment »

Where will you go from here?

“Dare to live the life you have dreamed for yourself. Go forward and make your dreams come true.”

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is the first day of a new year. I am full of the sense of possibility and hope for the year ahead. And while each new day is a beginning, a chance to start anew, the start of a new year seems more momentous.

I am grateful for the experiences and lessons I’ve learned along my path, and my hope is to ease the journeys of others who may be struggling with similar challenges as those I’ve faced. As I continue to explain to friends, family, and people I meet what being a life coach means, I feel honored to be able to help my clients, teaching them tools to reduce their stress, increase their joy, and tune into their inner wisdom to find their purpose.

 

So here’s to 2012. What will it bring? I hope to face each day with wonder and appreciation, celebration and love. There are bound to be difficulties, and I hope I remember to ask for help and stay open to learning. Let the journey begin again!

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