Goals, Achievement and Failure

May 23, 2012 by Emily Downward

triathlon finish

Finishing my 6th triathlon, and beating my personal best time. Achieving your goals feels great, but what about when you don’t achieve them?

“What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.”
~ Zig Ziglar

Do you set goals for yourself? Do you write them down or just know them in your mind or in your heart? Studies have shown it’s actually beneficial to write them down, and while I do that for my professional goals, I definitely have some that are just so intrinsically bound to who I believe I am that they are always within me.

It’s my birthday week, and it’s a big one. A decade milestone. I have mixed feelings about this, but it’s coming, whether I like it or not. So in true coach-y form, I’ve been delving into my feelings and the thoughts behind them.

On the one hand, I am happy to celebrate. First of all, I think it’s always fun to have a day to celebrate YOU just for being you. I always make it a point of telling the people I love and care about how much they mean to me on their birthdays. I like the idea of a celebration just because. Not because of any accomplishment or achievement, just for being alive. And while I’m not THAT old yet, I have outlived some of my friends. Thinking of their too-short lives makes me grateful for each of my years.

BUT…then there’s the other thoughts. The not-so-excited-to-be-FORTY thoughts. As a coach who trained in a class of amazing coaches, I’ve been self-coaching and been a practice client for my colleagues on many of these thoughts. These thoughts are dirty pain — as opposed to clean pain like grief, dirty pain is the thoughts about it that you have like “it’s my fault he left” or “I will never find another job/partner/friend like him again.” Dirty pain thoughts are nasty, and definitely painful, but they can be dismantled.

The biggest resistance I have about turning FORTY (it’s big…it deserves all caps) is that I haven’t achieved some of my personal goals that I thought I would have by now. I could explain this in two ways: 1) it’s out of my control, there are circumstances and others involved and there’s nothing I can do about it, or…2) I have made choices, for good reasons, that have led me to this point, and even though it’s not where I want to be, I honor and value the choices I have made. The first explanation puts me in the role of the victim or the martyr, and that doesn’t feel good to me. The second explanation puts me back in the driver’s seat of my own life, and I like that more. While I have yet to reach my desired destination, I do feel good about the journey.

If you have goals for yourself, and you don’t meet them (for whatever reasons), I invite you to explore what you’re telling yourself about not achieving the goal. You get to craft the story in your head, so make it a good one! Use goals as motivators to keep striving towards, but don’t use the goals as sticks to beat yourself up with.

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Making Your Brain Work FOR You

May 15, 2012 by Emily Downward

I like to include a picture with each post. How do you show “enough” in a picture? Oh well, I like turtles.

“How you do anything is how you do everything.” ~ Derek Sivers, incredibly successful entrepreneur, author of Anything You Want

I knew starting my own business would be challenging, and it has been. There are lots of unknowns, many things I had (and still have) to learn as I go. One of the most unexpected and interesting learnings for me has been about myself.

I honestly didn’t realize how much pressure I put on myself. All the time.

Being a coach puts my analytic powers to good use. I use the tools I learned through training on myself daily, digging in to understand what’s motivating me, what’s holding me back, what is causing me frustration or stress. A lot of the frustration and stress I experience is completely due to the thoughts in my head. While this is somewhat annoying (why do I DO that?), I also know how to change it.

One of the thoughts that is on the frequent playlist in my head is “I’m not doing enough.” This can apply to many areas of my life: triathlon training, housework, family time. (The way we do one thing is the way we do everything.) But I’d like to share how it shows up in my work life. I hope that by sharing this, you may gain some insight and relief in your own work life.

What I’ve realized is that this thought comes up regardless of where I work, who I work for, or what I’m working on. And while it may seem like this is a motivating thought that makes me do more, more, more (and therefore achieve more, more, more), that’s not the case. When I have the thought that I’m not doing enough, it’s demoralizing. I feel overwhelmed and feel like it’s impossible to achieve. And it is. “Enough” must be defined, or it is always an impossible goal.

I’ve learned that the brain always tries to prove itself right. It constantly looks for evidence to support its thinking. So if I’m thinking “I’m not doing enough,” I can find piles of papers that need to be filed, unfinished projects, and of course there’s always the never-ending email inbox. All these pieces of evidence support that faulty thought.

But turn it around. After defining for yourself (understanding that your boss likely has some input) what “enough” is, find evidence for how you ARE doing enough. For me, I set aside a number of hours a day and a week to work on my different projects. I make a list of to-do’s (I get much satisfaction from checking them off!). I set deadlines for myself and meet them. And I focus on what I’ve accomplished instead of what I haven’t yet.

The other key to making my brain work for me instead of against me…reminding myself why I’m doing this. I’m an entrepreneur because I wanted more flexibility. I wanted to do something that helps people. And because coaching makes me happy. So I can ask myself: did I take advantage of the flexibility of my job today? Did I help someone today? Am I happy? And if the answer to those is yes, then I can put my over-active brain at ease: I did enough.

Do you need help identifying where you might be overworking yourself? I help professionals set and achieve goals that really matter to them. I can help you love the job you’re in or make a plan to create a job you’ll love.

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The Secret to Happiness

May 8, 2012 by Emily Downward

photo by Neal Fowler, Flickr: http://www.flickr.com/photos/31878512@N06/3490869804/

“Happiness is not something the world owes you or can give you. It is not passive. It is not rest… Happiness is an activity of the soul in accord with excellence.” ~ Norman Melchert, philosopher, author, professor

I’ve been taking a fascinating continuing education class on Positive Psychology. The field of psychology has been largely focused on disease, but for the last 20 years or so, there has been a growing trend of looking at the positive side, looking at what makes people resilient and happy. What a fantastic idea: instead of singularly looking at what’s wrong, let’s look at what’s right!

We hear so much about Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but statistically, a person is just as likely to experience Post-Traumatic Growth from a challenging event. At the beginning of my career, I worked with a number of cancer survivors. Many of them, even those who had recurring disease and who knew they would die from their cancers, would tell me it was the best thing that ever happened to them. They viewed their cancer experience as a wake-up call, to recognize what was truly important and discard petty grievances and stresses that didn’t matter.

Two of the prominent researchers in Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman, PhD and Ed Diener, PhD, have quantified a formula for happiness:

Happiness = Genetic Set-Point + Circumstances + Voluntary Variables

Your genetic set point is what you’re born with. I think of it as how optimistic or pessimistic you naturally are. This accounts for about 50% of your happiness, and as something you’re born with, you can’t really change this.

Your circumstances — where you live, the things that happen to you — account for about 8-12% of your happiness. Surprising? Sometimes in the Western world in particular, we believe that we need more, more, more to be happy. But many studies have shown that’s not the case.

So the remainder of happiness, anywhere from 38-42%, is made up of voluntary variables. This includes the ways in which we intentionally intervene on ourselves, our choices of thought and action.

The exciting news here is that while we can’t change our genetic set-point and may have limited control on our circumstances, we absolutely have control over the voluntary variables. This is why people say you can choose to be happy. I also think of the “glass half full” concept here. If you have a glass with your favorite beverage in it, do you consider it half full or half empty? Are you focusing on what you have or what you don’t have? And of course, there’s always the slightly sassy answer about being thankful you even have a glass!

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The Power of Positive Thinking

May 2, 2012 by Emily Downward

Sedona

Taken in Sedona, NM, March 2012

“Understanding on a scientific level how cells respond to your thoughts and perceptions illuminates the path to personal empowerment. The insights we gain through this new biology unleash the power of consciousness, matter, and miracles.” – Bruce Lipton, PhD, The Biology of Belief

I’m recently read Bruce Lipton’s book, The Biology of Belief. As a cell biologist, he provides a scientific approach and explanation for the value of the environment on our cells, and collectively, on our bodies. His research provides a new dimension to understanding life, demonstrating that genes and DNA do not control our biology but instead, DNA is controlled by signals outside the cell, including the energetic messages emanating from our positive and negative thoughts.

Dr. Lipton recognizes it’s not just about positive affirmations – although those can be helpful – the key is that the subconscious and conscious mind must be in alignment. You can’t just put whipped cream on dirt and call it dessert. As he states, “the subconscious mind is millions of times more powerful than the conscious mind…You can repeat the positive affirmation that you are lovable over and over or that your cancer tumor will shrink. But if, as a child, you heard over and over that you are worthless and sickly, those messages programmed into your subconscious mind will undermine your best conscious efforts to change your life.”

So how do you know if your positive affirmations and your subconscious are in alignment? Sometimes I notice it in my emotions. When they aren’t in alignment, I feel dissonance, and I don’t really believe the positive affirmation. Or, I notice the results – my positive thinking isn’t having the desired effect. This is where I find working with my coach to be very helpful in allowing me to get to the underlying beliefs that are holding me back. A good coach can help you get to the root of the issue, the beliefs that your subconscious mind holds as truths but are limiting your potential.

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Hope

April 24, 2012 by Emily Downward

“Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul…and sings the tune without words, and never stops…at all.” – Emily Dickinson

During difficult times in our lives, when we lose loved ones or outgrow friendships or jobs, there are times of loneliness and hunger for connection. Martha Beck likens this to an empty elevator – you’re in between floors and have left your old community and haven’t yet made it up to the next level. It can be challenging, during these times, as we are created to be social creatures and desire connection with others. We may even consider “going back,” back to how we were before, suppressing our new ideas of ourselves or pretending we don’t want anything more. And while this may work for a while, eventually the discontent grows. We find we must answer the longing in our hearts and head out into the empty elevator stage.

I find solace and promise in nature. Consider how nature responds to the seasons, or to extreme weather changes. Nature finds a way to adapt and prevail. During a drought, some plants wither and die. Others may get a chance to flourish with less competition. And although a drought can last many seasons or even many years, the rain eventually comes again, and “balance” is restored. Plants that have left seedlings underground get a chance to bloom again.

It’s so easy to feel like the challenging times will last forever. Think of the last time you were really, really ill. It’s hard to remember during the sickness what it feels like to be healthy. It’s almost as if it’s unattainable. You just know that it includes the absence of the sick symptoms – no pain, no congestion, no vomiting. But “healthy?” Difficult to remember how that feels.

But slowly, or perhaps all at once, things change. “Nothing lasts forever” – we say this during good times to brace ourselves for the next challenge, but it is just as true for the bad times. The sun will come up again. And while I don’t believe we can go back, there is promise in the future: more wonderful experiences for you to enjoy, new friends and loved ones to share laughter with, and new discoveries to be made.

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Facing your Fears

April 18, 2012 by Emily Downward

What are you most afraid of? What about it scares you?

One of my fears is the fear of heights. Even watching a television show or movie where the actor is precariously perched on a high ledge or walking a tightrope makes my palms begin to sweat. (In fact, my palms just got a little sweaty even writing that!)

I wasn’t always afraid of heights…when I was 8 years old, we lived in St. Louis. I visited the Arch several times. On one visit, after riding the rickety elevator up to the top with my dad, I climbed up to the little window and leaned my head up against it.

“Look, Daddy! If you lean way over you can see the bottom of the Arch!”

My dad didn’t join me in my discovery. It was enough for him just to hear me say it!

I’ve learned that babies are born with just two fears: the fear of loud noises and the fear of falling. All other fears are learned. So whether I learned my fear of heights from falling out of a tree or from my dad warning me not to get too close to the edge of a platform, I learned it. It’s not a bad fear, as fears go. I can see how it can be protective.

However, I am also very stubborn. I don’t like to be held back by things, and I don’t like chickening out of a good challenge. So several years ago, when my team at work when out to a ropes course, I tried everything. Most of the exercises were “team building” — different activities to get us to work together and succeed as a team. But one of the final, optional exercises was individual. I volunteered.

The goal was to climb up a telephone pole (standard height, which is WAY high). Once you reached the top, you had to stand on top of it. (FYI, telephone poles aren’t that wide, so my size 9 feet were hanging off both the front and back a little.) Hold on…have to wipe my palms….okay, so once you’re standing at the top of this pole, you have to jump and grab a trapeze bar. It’s not close. You really have to push and jump for it.

It took me several minutes to get to the standing position. And then I had to contemplate and really screw up every vestige of courage I had, and then plan a bit more. Finally, I jumped with all my might and reached for the bar.

My fingers JUST touched the bar, and I saw the bar swing out of reach as I felt myself falling. I began screaming.

Now, yes, they did have all the safety gear on me, and although I felt the falling, I didn’t hit the ground like a sack of flour. They eased me down. But by that time, I was hysterical. Crying. Gulping for air. Repeating, “I missed the bar! I missed the bar! I missed the bar!”

My coworkers tried to reassure me, telling me I was safe.

Oh, God. My coworkers are seeing me go absolutely crazy hysterical.

I was in full fight-or-flight mode, though, and there was no graceful way out.

Looking back at it now, it’s certainly not one of my finer moments. Not nearly as sweet as my triumph at finishing the triathlon, family and friends (and strangers) cheering me on as I cross the finish line. But it taught me nearly as much as completing that tri did. From this hellish telephone pole experience I learned:

1. I shouldn’t pursue work as a telephone repair person. I also probably shouldn’t try for a job in a trapeze act.

2. I didn’t die. While I FELT like I was going to several times (at the top of the pole, just missing the trapeze bar, falling, and even riding the panic attack on the ground), I didn’t. Our brains are really good at catastrophizing — imagining the worst outcomes — but they are just as capable of opportunity mining. We just have to focus our incredibly powerful brains in that direction.

3. I have courage. Maybe even more than I thought I did. I’m glad I tested it, because knowing I did this crazy stunt (or attempted to), I was better able to make other leaps, to different jobs, to different cities, to new relationships.

So, I wonder, what are you afraid of? Where in your life do you need to make a leap?

(And no, that picture isn’t of me. Although someone WAS taking pictures that day, I have completely forgotten where I stashed them.)

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Faithful Friend

April 10, 2012 by Emily Downward

Sabrina

“The dark does not destroy the light; it defines it. It’s our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows.”  - Dr. Brené Brown

The past month has been difficult for me, and I just couldn’t write about it before now. At the beginning of March, my 18-year-old cat Sabrina was euthanized.  She had been with me basically all my adult life. I got her when she was 6 weeks old during my senior year of college. I saw her the day she was born, as my college boyfriend’s cat was her mom. Of the litter, Sabrina picked me, coming to sit on my lap and claiming me as hers.

She was my “little love,” and was with me through some of the most difficult transitions in my life: divorces, break-ups, cross-town and cross-country moves. She was my constant, my steady companion, providing me with so much love and affection.

I’ve struggled with my grief, wanting it to be over already. I’m tired of crying. I’m tired of feeling sad and expecting to see her when I come home. I’m tired of missing her, tired of feeling the ache and emptiness in my heart when I think how she’s not here to sit beside me. Tired of not being able to sleep because her absence is still so acute.

I’ve tried to rationalize with myself. I know she had a really long life, and I am grateful for it. I know the last year in particular was difficult for her, and her health had deteriorated so much. I don’t feel guilty for euthanizing her. It was time. I never wanted her to suffer, and although I treated her conditions to keep her comfortable and functioning as optimally as possible, I didn’t want to do extreme measures just to keep her alive. Her body was just shutting down, unable to keep going.

But all the rationalization doesn’t diminish the pain of the loss. And as much as I want to push it aside, get over it already, or pretend it doesn’t hurt as much as it does, it’s still there. And I know that disconnecting from my sad feelings also disconnects me from all feelings. You can’t shut down just some.

I know in time, it will feel less acute. I know her leaving has left an opening for something new to come in. I know she’s at peace, free from her declining and painful body. I know we had something special, a bond that changed me, and her memory will always live in my heart.

“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” – Mother Teresa

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